I'm a bad aunt, I can't STAND my niece and nephew

They are now 18 and 20 years old. My 18 year old niece is a typical, vapid teenager obsessed with her boyfriend and belly button ring. My nephew is a Marine who thinks he's a badass.

I had to go to my brother and sister-in-laws house on Sunday because my nephew is leaving for Afghanistan in a few days. His birthday was this month so it was sort of a goodbye birthday party. I feel awful because I couldn't care less about these kids. I lost interest in them when they turned about 12 or 13. My niece is sweet enough to me, but... We have nothing in common. My nephew thinks I'm a weird dork. I sent them both cards with money and didn't get a thank you at all.

I was miserable on Sunday... It was my bro and sis-in-law, my other brother, my parents, the brats and one of their close friends, a couple they've known for years. That couple brought their equally vapid, texting obsessed bitch daughter as well. My hubby couldn't come because he had a side job that day, so I was alone. I spent most of the day outside smoking by myself, petting the dog that lives behind them. This dog is totally neglected and crazy for attention. My brother hates dogs and always has to make a comment about 'that stupid dog'. Ugh.

How in the fuck are we related? I try to be nice, I try to deal with it, but I can't stand it. I really wouldn't care if we moved away and I never saw them again. I didn't want to go to this dinner on Sunday, but my other brother said I should go, that this may be the last time we see my nephew...that he won't be the same when he comes home. I have a little respect for what he's doing but...at the same time, I think that he's just a 20 year old macho brat who doesn't realize what he's getting into. I don't know... I just don't care.

All I know is that I'm not sending these entitled brats ANY of my hard earned money for their goddamned birthdays EVER again. Fuck them. It sucks, but I really have no respect for most young people these days.

They don't appear to be putting forward much effort in maintaining a relationship (or expressing gratitude) in your direction. I don't think you should feel obligated to keep putting forth effort when they don't respond to it.

Like I said in another thread, my brother's wife is a raging bitch, and looks down on the rest of us (she thinks she's so much better than the rest of us because she used to be a manager at a mall L'Occitane, one of those expensive soap stores that smells like old people) and because my brother makes more than the rest of us. She also, somehow knows more than anyone she's talking to, which personally, I find this insulting because she hasn't (or has barely) gone to college, and here I am working on my third degree.

Either way, when my brother gets deployed, she doesn't call us to let us know how their two kids are, no pictures, nothing, and when we call her, she's a totally rude bitch.

As far as I'm concerned, she's probably going to raise her kids to be just like her, and I just don't see the point in associating with people like that.

My main point is, if the only reason you try to connect is because they're related to you, but you find the experience incredibly unpleasant, than what exactly is the point?

I don't know why you feel bad about not liking them. They sound like self-absorbed assholes without the benefit of basic manners.

And, think about it, it's laughable your SIL feels superior because she worked at a store in a mall. No matter the store, it's STILL A MALL! What an idiot.

If it's any consolation, DH and I have no idea what any of our nieces or nephews are named or how old they are.

Seacreature, listen to me... YOU. ARE. NOT. A. BAD AUNT!!! I feel for you immensely, and what you are is woman, who's been hip to the big lie for a good part of her life, while these fuck for brains went according to the script blindly (as usual with these people). Why SHOULD you continue sending these brats money when they can't even be bothered to send you a simple thank you note- or a phone call! They've got SUV cell phones with all the decals and trappings! That says a lot about your brother and SIL. They could give a damn about you too if they couldn't be bothered to teach OR tell their shitsacks to remember their relative's kindness and generosity.Don't worry, believe in karma. The Marine badass will have that slapped out of him the minute he lands in west Waziristan and the stench of decomposing bodies hits his fat nose, courtesy of the Taliban (something he probably doesn't know a whole lot about since I don't think he's been looking into colleges). As for the little bitch, I have a feeling you'll be hearing from your bro and SIL a lot once she brings home a new boyf that's not of of the preferred skin color.

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sheila
And, think about it, it's laughable your SIL feels superior because she worked at a store in a mall. No matter the store, it's STILL A MALL! What an idiot.

I know! She acts so high and mighty because she USED TO BE (she's a SAHM now) a manager a mall store. Whoop. De. Shit. At least other people see it my way. Again, I take a little umbridge to the condescending attitude because she hasn't had any higher education, and I'm working on my THIRD degree, yet she somehow "knows everything". She doesn't even work, my brother makes all the money, and somehow that gives her the right to look down her nose at us.

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sheila
If it's any consolation, DH and I have no idea what any of our nieces or nephews are named or how old they are.

I know the older one's bdays, because they're either easy to remember or the same day as something else, as for the other two, I know the month they were born... hard pressed to remember the day though.

You're not bad! You're a person whose kindness wasn't acknowledged. And someone who doesn't have anything in common with these people. Don't put any more thought into this situation than they are. I guarantee they aren't lamenting how they have failed to connect with you.

*meh* Don't let it phase ya.

I'm ambiguous about my relationship with my nieces and nephews as well. I'm the one who has to trek half-way across the country (they live in the middle, I live on the east side) to visit and am treated with every cordiality; even affection; but as soon as I leave I know I'm forgotten. I never hear from them, never received holiday cards though I assiduously sent them each year. I talk to my older sister a couple of times each month but never hear from anyone else (I have three siblings). I suppose if I were to die before anyone else, the reaction would be "oh, Aunt Dori died? Wow, that's too bad. Hey, I need some extra money, my insurance went up because I got two speeding tickets. When's her funeral, is someone taking up a collection? Btw, what was her husband's name ... Dan, John, Don ... something like that."

It's best just to concentrate on those who are truly your nearest and dearest. If it isn't too onerous, acknowledge the existence of your other relatives but don't be surprised if they don't consider you critical to theirs.

Maybe it'd be more disheartening if you were a bad aunt to good nieces and nephews, but these two sound like a couple of little assholes. Don't feel bad about how you treat them because odds are they love Aunt Seacreature the most when they want monetary gifts. This is no big loss for you, so don't fret over it too much

Build a family out of your friends, they won't come with soul-crushing obligation to like them when they're assholes.

You are most certainly not a bad aunt. You don't get along with them, and they just take your kindness with out even showing any gratitude in return. The best thing to do is stop showing them kindness, it sounds mean but you are not obligated to give them anything so don't let them make you feel guilty about it.

I can understand the guilt, but don't worry about it. You can't choose family.

Let me echo the other posters' sentiments - nephew will soon be living a wide-awake nightmare in Gofuckistan and niece could be knocked up by Memorial Day. Their parents will be fretting and fighting. You will continue to enjoy life as usual. You win.

Ahhh. Family. The unfortunate thing with family is that you are pressured by everyone (family AND strangers alike) to hang around with and even like family members JUST because they are family, when, if you were strangers, you wouldn't ever hang out and no one would have a problem with that. It's crazy. (This is one of the reasons I don't want to be a parent. My kid would feel pressured to hang out with me and I'm boring as hell, so that would be torture for the poor kid. I really think that very few people can tolerate me as a real life best friend and I'm okay with that.)

In my opinion, you are not obligated to like or even hang around your relatives, even though society likes to guilt trip people into doing so.* Also, if your niece/nephew don't acknowledge your presents, then you do not have to send them any. They are getting old enough, anyway. Most of my relatives have stopped sending me cards/presents and I'm totally cool with that. I appreciate their previous efforts and I understand if they don't want to do it anymore or if they forget since they have other obligations in their life. I appreciate their time when they can give it over material things. I know that they will be there for me if anything goes down and they know that I'll be there for them.

If you are the only one putting any effort into the relationship, then it's a waste of time to continue to do so. I do believe that some people are better off having little or no contact with one another (temporarily or permanently) and that there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe your niece and/or nephew will want to establish a relationship with you in the future and you'll have a deeper connection. Maybe they won't. Both possibilities are fine.

I don't want to sound like I'm totally defending the kids, but maybe they do appreciate the presents but they are still too immature for whatever reason to realize and/or let you know that they appreciate what you have done for them. Try not to waste your energy being angry at them over that. No matter what happens, you did good things and you did try. You are not a bad aunt at all. You sound like a pretty good aunt, in fact. Sometimes, people just don't "connect" and that's okay. All you can do is treasure the people you *do* connect with whether they are blood-related or not blood-related.


*Since I have yet to seriously deal with relative/family situations, please take my comments with a grain of salt. I don't want to come across as a hypocrite. LOL.

You're not a bad aunt. I probably am. I haven't met any of my nieces or nephews, and the oldest are around 10 years old. I just don't give a shit; maybe when they're interesting we can form a relationship (but more likely not, given how they are being raised).

You've put something into the relationship, and you've realized that you don't like these people. They are not grateful for what you've done, and don't reciprocate. I don't see why you should be feeling guilty just because you happen to share a higher proportion of genetic material with them. I'm sure they don't feel remotely guilty over their lack of effort in the relationship; they probably see your effort as their due.

They're assholes. Why feel bad about giving up on assholes?

Horrible. Especially since they're 18 and 20, and should be acting much better. I'd have to blame the parents for the way they've turned out. I was raised by my grandparents, and I've always been sort of a crotchedy old man, even when I was a kid. I still remember having those moments as kid when I acted like a spoiled kid. My grandparents would usually bring me something of interest when they went somewhere, so I was somewhat accustomed to adults bringing me something everytime they arrived at the house.
I remember my aunt and grandmother went somewhere together and came back, I rushed the car and my first words to my aunt was "what'd you bring me?!" She was and is childfree, and I could instantly tell that I had said the wrong thing. And then my tenth birthday rolled around, and she gave me a children's elementary dictionary. It was much below my reading level, I had no trouble consulting an adult dictionary when needed, but I didn't accept the gift graciously. I turned my nose up at it and informed her that I had no use for it. Horrible thing to do.
Her gifts and attention abruptly stopped after that. I'm not mourning the material losses I've experienced since that mistake, but I certainly do regret placing a sense of entitlement and emphasis on material goods on the relationship. I've not spoken to her for 13 years. We live in the same town, and I probably see her at Wal-Mart and don't even realize it. I'm sure she's spotted me several times. She's someone, since I'm now an adult, that I think I would enjoy knowing.
I was ten when I made my mistakes with her. This neice and nephew, they're twice the age. I don't see any excuse for their attitudes, and I don't see how it could get better. Perhaps if they would've been admonished as I was at a younger age, they would've learned to cease and not continue the same mistakes ten years later, as I think I did.
I'm sure the parents had ample opportunity to teach their children better, but they didn't. The children couldn't help being born, but the parents could have taken responsibility for their education once they were.

qld, that's sad. Have you ever tried telling her how you feel, or at least offering an apology? Even if a relationship can't develop now, I imagine that she'd appreciate your recognition of your mistake. (At least I would, in that situation.)

I didn't have much a relationship with my childfree aunt when I was younger (mostly due to distance, I think, but like me she's also not fond of children), but when we lived in the same town I took the opportunity to get to know her better. I think it was better for us that our relationship developed when we were both adults.

You are not a bad aunt. You are a badass aunt who will no longer be sending gifts to the brats who do not appreciate you.

Thanks everyone, for all of your comments and stories. Aahhhh...the validation that comes from like-minded people...

It's so true, people are different and sometimes they don't connect. We had very different childhoods and that can make a huge difference. My niece and nephew were raised in a happy, Christian household, were always cute/pretty, always had friends...were never outcasts. I guess part of me is a little jealous. I had great parents and a pretty happy childhood too, that is, when my peers weren't torturing me. I know that I wasn't an ugly kid, I just attracted assholes because I was nice, weird and emotional. It was like I had a sign on my head that said, "Fuck with me, I WILL cry." When I was my niece's age, I had terrible acne and hadn't even had a boyfriend yet. As soon as I wasn't pulsing with those awful teen hormones, I realized how pathetic and stupid it is to dwell on such things and that having a boyfriend or husband does not complete a person, just like having kids doesn't. I just can't help but look at my niece and think, "She has no fucking clue. She's had it so EASY. Cute, skinny little bitch".

You're all so right, just because they're related doesn't mean I have to give a shit about them. They're young and think they know everything. Maybe that stage will pass and we'll get closer in the future. Maybe not... I somehow doubt they'll ever be the type of people I want to be around though, seriously. And when I really think about it, I'm not that close to any of my aunts, either. Who cares? I'll just grin and bear the family get-togethers that I have to and move on with my life, cultivating relationships with those who see me for who I am and appreciate it.

I can absolutely relate. My brother and his wife are a couple of asshole, and guess what: their oldest two children, close to the same ages you mentioned (a boy and a girl as well) have turned out to be a real couple of grade A assholes as well. I've tried relentlessly to talk to them and be friendly. I've given them gifts and showed up for their bullshit events for the last two decades. I gave up entirely on the spoiled, obnoxious niece about six months ago and just recently decided to cut the arrogant, mean spirited boy out of my life as well. They won't miss me, and vice versa. Thank God one of the younger ones is a genuinely nice kid.

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Patty
I can absolutely relate. My brother and his wife are a couple of asshole, and guess what: their oldest two children, close to the same ages you mentioned (a boy and a girl as well) have turned out to be a real couple of grade A assholes as well. I've tried relentlessly to talk to them and be friendly. I've given them gifts and showed up for their bullshit events for the last two decades. I gave up entirely on the spoiled, obnoxious niece about six months ago and just recently decided to cut the arrogant, mean spirited boy out of my life as well. They won't miss me, and vice versa. Thank God one of the younger ones is a genuinely nice kid.

I've seen this happen and wonder about it sometimes. You have a family where the older kids are absolute jerks while the younger one is nice. They were raised in the same house by the same parents, so how does it happen?

My niece is now 23 and I haven't heard anythingout of her since she was about 10. We sent her presents every christmas and her mother thanked us but never heard a word from the neice. (she's the sister of the nephew who lived with us for a while) So we've cut her off.
The nephew acted like a texting/FB'ing/ devil may care teen till he was 26. That's when we tossed him outa here and he had to make it on his own. This week he turns 29. He is on his own, 2 hours from us, 1200 miles form moomie, and trying to buy his own condo. Quite a change in only 3 years. He used to text at the dinner table, while we were watching a movie together and, once, he texted his gf the whole time we were opening gifts together on Christmas. Iwanted to take that phone and chuck it.
Last time he visited I didn't even SEE the phone. He joined in adult conversation and listened... I guess they do finally grow up. He just had to get away from 'moo influence'. OH.. and he and the gf have broken up now. Why? She has decided she wants kids... and my nephew doesn't (I knew there was some redeming quality about that guy.

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CMFree Misanthrope

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Patty
I can absolutely relate. My brother and his wife are a couple of asshole, and guess what: their oldest two children, close to the same ages you mentioned (a boy and a girl as well) have turned out to be a real couple of grade A assholes as well. I've tried relentlessly to talk to them and be friendly. I've given them gifts and showed up for their bullshit events for the last two decades. I gave up entirely on the spoiled, obnoxious niece about six months ago and just recently decided to cut the arrogant, mean spirited boy out of my life as well. They won't miss me, and vice versa. Thank God one of the younger ones is a genuinely nice kid.

I've seen this happen and wonder about it sometimes. You have a family where the older kids are absolute jerks while the younger one is nice. They were raised in the same house by the same parents, so how does it happen?

As the youngest, I can testify why we may turn out so differently: we get all the crap the olders deal out to other people but not to themselves (verbal bullying of the youngest is standard). We know how it feels so we're less likely to do it to others.

Also, because we're bullied into silence, we do a lot more watching and listening. From an early age, I learned to see that their opinions were a severe disconnect from reality--or what this board would call grade-A crap.

I had tried to be nice to my neice and nephew for years. I understand teens can be jerks but now they are in their twenties and they seem to be worse, enabled by their mother. I may have a serious situation with one of them who is openly attempting to take advantage of their grandmother. My sister will do nothing about it and if I involve the law it could unleash something ugly but the lawyer says I have to do something or I would be negligent. So it's nice when the kyds you sent money to and tried to talk to for years actually threaten you. They have to be made to know they are not in my will. Even if they threaten me they are so dumb and entitled they probably still think they are my heirs since I am CF.

They have to be made to know they are not in my will. Even if they threaten me they are so dumb and entitled they probably still think they are my heirs since I am CF.

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Ours ARE in the will. I wanted dh to take BOTH out after the crap with the nephew... but now that he's maturing he is very different and I don't mind him being in there. However.. the neice is so into herself that she doesn't give a f*** about us at all. I told dh that while we have law services included in our insurance pkg at his job, we need to get her no good spoiled arse outa there. She has made no attempt to contact us for over 10 years... and that's after christmas and birtthday gifts (which wer cut off when she turned 18) and we helped her brother out and I was friends with her mother (till she majorly bingo'd me last year) At least she's a smart kid.... in med school.... but that doesn't excuse being rude.

I recently found out I am going to be an aunt.

My first thought was not "OMG I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!"

It was "They've been married less than two months, live in a tiny apartment, and don't have any money. Bring me the popcorn, because this is a TRAINWRECK IN PROGRESS!"

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"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

Thing is I would love to be an aunt to older kyds and I'd even spoil them if they were decent people. What kids wouldn't want that? I see my SOs family being nice to each other and everyone doesn't have that. I'm glad some of them come around but some will get worse and toxic and it's best to cut them off. It sucks to be entangled through parents and grandparents though, it's like an imprisonment.