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"Childfree" step-parents confused smiley

Posted by pepper labeija 
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thom_c
Re: My on-the-gound question: "Childfree" step-parents
July 05, 2011
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laura
Hi all, I see that I should have posted my question here! Great discussion. Please keep it running and I'll track and at the end of month sum what pple said! ~Laura http://laviechildfree.com

Please post the link here when you do.

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
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blondie
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 05, 2011
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loavesstillsuck
I DEARLY wish he had about a hundred childfree brothers for all you single ladies on the forum!

Oh, they're out there. It actually makes it easier by eliminating the huge number of duhds so we can concentrate on what is available in the CF pool. People who choose to become parents don't want a partner to be first in their lives, they gave that up when they bred. A parunt and a CF partner are never equal, the parunt always holds the power.
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Banshee
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 06, 2011
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loavesstillsuck
I DEARLY wish he had about a hundred childfree brothers for all you single ladies on the forum!

Ok...I decline. smile rolling left righteyes2 I'm not a fan of mayuuuns, either.
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Lavender Dreams
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 08, 2011
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Snark Shark
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kidlesskim
I was a step-moo from 1993-2005. At that time I did NOT consider myself childfree, although I seriously wished I had made a different choice in the matter of becoming a step-moo. I lurked on childfree sites at that time, but never posted on them because I didn't belong. Childfree means NOT having a hand in the raising of or caring for a child, IMHO.

that must have MASSIVELY SUCKED!

at least you escaped!

:::::shivers at the mere thought:::::
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Dorisan
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 08, 2011
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remaininteresting
I have a step son and consider myself child free. I didnt realize when i joined this group (TODAY) that it would be so elitest, but i digress..

*shrug* and that would be accepted in some CF groups. But not this one.

You would be better off over at TCFL There, you'll find plenty of people with the same opinion about us as you hold


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pepper labeija
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 08, 2011
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remaininteresting
I didnt realize when i joined this group (TODAY) that it would be so elitest, but i digress...
Hmmm...

e·lit·ism or é·lit·ism (-ltzm, -l-)
n.
1. The belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect, social status, or financial resources.
2.
a. The sense of entitlement enjoyed by such a group or class.
b. Control, rule, or domination by such a group or class.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

e·litist adj. & n.


There doesn't appear to be any of that going on here, remainiteresting. Nobody here said they were better than "childfree" step-parents, just that they don't think of those people as being childfree. Whether or not you continue to hang around is up to you but I agree with Dorisan that TCFL may be a better fit.
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blondie
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 08, 2011
Elitist more appropriately describes TCFL, but they do let parents post.
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nokids4me
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 08, 2011
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remaininteresting
I have a step son and consider myself child free. I didnt realize when i joined this group (TODAY) that it would be so elitest, elitist,, selective, truthful to what the group actually claims to be, but i digress will go on about how "mean" y'all are instead of reading the FAQ or listening to any of the intelligent and eloquently written posts by KidlessKim or Yurble
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yurble
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 09, 2011
remaininteresting

You do not belong in this group, because you do not meet the definition of childfree that we use. As you have noticed, there isn't a single person who has posted in this thread who believes that it is possible to be childfree and be a step-parent of a minor child. We do welcome former step-parents like kidlesskim, but not people whose daily life is impacted by child-rearing (it is, even if your husband is not the custodial parent).

A good number of us believe that having children in an overpopulated world is a moral evil, and I can't imagine you're going to be happy listening to us speak of your husband that way.

You can consider that elitist or prejudiced if you want, but it's the same as a Young Republicans group not wanting to allow a registered Democrat as a member. It dilutes the purpose of the group. We are never going to welcome non-CF people on this board, because our commonality lies in being childfree, and we have ample opportunities in daily life to associate with non-CF people. Within the context of childfreedom, diversity is welcome here. We don't care about race, sex, sexuality, nationality, religion, political leaning, where you live, or whether you like or hate children--so long as you haven't bred and aren't engaged in parenting. We are probably more inclusive than all but the broadest websites.

We just aren't a good fit for you. Try thechildfreelife (TCFL).

nokids4me

Thanks for the compliment smiling smiley
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Amethyst
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 09, 2011
I'd agree it's 'no' -- you're not CF if you have step-kids or step-grandkids.

Admittedly, you can be a steppie and still have the moral stance and the mindset of a CF person. A step-parent is nothing to do with the selfish and craven decision to breed like a fungus. They also did not participate in pregnancy, childbirth, naming, and the general 'everybody look at me, I have a child!' activity that parents engage in day-in, day-out for 10 or 20 years. Most step-parents marry their spouses despite the spouse's children, not because of them. So even though they're not CF, they're not really parents either.

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly
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Anonymous User
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 09, 2011
I feel terrible for kids who have a stepPARENT who believes they're childfree. Even kids who don't see the non-custodial parent very often deserve to be fully accepted as family and shouldn't be made to feel like an outsider in their parent's house because a stepparent doesn't want to spend time with them. I cringe every time I read on a certain other board about stepparents who talk about their relief that the poor kid is barely part of their life.

We're the people who are actually THINKING OF THE CHILDRRRUUUN by not putting a child in the position of being unwanted and regarded as an inconvenience, or subjecting any children to our feelings of relief that they're "only" "visiting" for weekends or the summer.

I've said this before, but I couldn't be in a relationship with a stepparent of a minor child because he'd either be a good father or a worthless breeder. A real PNB would only marry a woman who loved his children. He would always be looking for ways to include his children in his life and spend time with them. I respect this person, but his life obviously isn't for me and someone who saw themselves as CF would have to lie to him for him to consider them. And then there are single BNPs who pretend as if they don't have children. They don't seek custody or spend time with their kids. And some people get involved with these people and say - see, I'm still CF because the kid isn't part of our life. UGH. Why would a self-respecting person ever want to be involved with someone who isn't taking responsibility for his own choice in reproducing?

I do think there's some grey area with truly adult children who have never showed abnormal dependency or dysfunction. I mean, if someone is 60 and marries someone with 40 year old children who don't need or expect parenting and don't see them as a 24 hour daycare for the grandkids, I'd still consider them CF, since there are no "children" in the picture.
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Dorisan
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 09, 2011
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FreeAndHappy
I do think there's some grey area with truly adult children who have never showed abnormal dependency or dysfunction. I mean, if someone is 60 and marries someone with 40 year old children who don't need or expect parenting and don't see them as a 24 hour daycare for the grandkids, I'd still consider them CF, since there are no "children" in the picture.

If that interpretation works for you. I still see it as a partnership where there would not be the true sharing of a couple. In some respects you would have to make sure that your interests are protected. Also, there is always the uncertainty of a hardship falling on the kid(s) or grandkid(s) that would cause them to turn to their parent and, perhaps, go against your own principles of how much support you feel should be granted them.
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blondie
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 09, 2011
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Dorisan
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FreeAndHappy
I do think there's some grey area with truly adult children who have never showed abnormal dependency or dysfunction. I mean, if someone is 60 and marries someone with 40 year old children who don't need or expect parenting and don't see them as a 24 hour daycare for the grandkids, I'd still consider them CF, since there are no "children" in the picture.

If that interpretation works for you. I still see it as a partnership where there would not be the true sharing of a couple. In some respects you would have to make sure that your interests are protected. Also, there is always the uncertainty of a hardship falling on the kid(s) or grandkid(s) that would cause them to turn to their parent and, perhaps, go against your own principles of how much support you feel should be granted them.

I have to agree. Your kyds are your kyds until you die. Adult kyds freak out when their older parent marries because they worry about property and inheritance issues. CF means CF. I don't know why we are trying so hard to find gray areas and exclusions.
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Sorceress
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 09, 2011
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Dorisan
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FreeAndHappy
I do think there's some grey area with truly adult children who have never showed abnormal dependency or dysfunction. I mean, if someone is 60 and marries someone with 40 year old children who don't need or expect parenting and don't see them as a 24 hour daycare for the grandkids, I'd still consider them CF, since there are no "children" in the picture.

If that interpretation works for you. I still see it as a partnership where there would not be the true sharing of a couple. In some respects you would have to make sure that your interests are protected. Also, there is always the uncertainty of a hardship falling on the kid(s) or grandkid(s) that would cause them to turn to their parent and, perhaps, go against your own principles of how much support you feel should be granted them.

I'm in an even grayer area. My husband has an adult step-daughter to whom I have absolutely no responsibility. Technically he doesn't, either, because he never legally adopted her. They still have a good relationship, but we've made it clear to her that our house is our house, period. We are united on this. We've also told her when/if she has kids, we will NOT be involved, and will not babysit. Period. I don't know that she believes us, but she'd better because we aren't deviating from that position.
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Dorisan
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 09, 2011
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blondie
Your kyds are your kyds until you die. Adult kyds freak out when their older parent marries because they worry about property and inheritance issues. CF means CF. I don't know why we are trying so hard to find gray areas and exclusions.

I guess because some people don't want to rule out potential partnerships -- the old "what if I fall in love with someone who has kids?"

All I know is that - for me - that would never, ever, won't-even-consider-it, happen. Once I felt like I was at a point in my life where I considered settling down and looking for a mate, guys with kids weren't even given a glance. In fact, talk about making a girl woodie deflate. Finding out a man wanted kids, or *gulp* had them turned him into a very unattractive person.
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Anonymous User
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 09, 2011
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Dorisan
If that interpretation works for you. I still see it as a partnership where there would not be the true sharing of a couple. In some respects you would have to make sure that your interests are protected. Also, there is always the uncertainty of a hardship falling on the kid(s) or grandkid(s) that would cause them to turn to their parent and, perhaps, go against your own principles of how much support you feel should be granted them.

Besides being childfree, I'm also marriagefree. So I guess that being an actual legal stepparent would be out of the question.

I have never dated anyone who has ever had children (anyone I would consider dating wouldn't be old enough to have adult children anyway), but I've happily been with my boyfriend for years and we do not share finances or have any access to each others money, although we have joint property that we contribute to 50/50 that is legally protected. We don't consider ourselves to be extensions of the other person's family as far as our parents and extended family being in-laws either. My boyfriend plans to give presents to his niece that I wouldn't choose to spend on a child, but not a cent of it comes out of my finances, so I'm certainly not going to control what he does with his disposable income. The idea of sharing everything as a couple is not at all attractive to me, so I think that with the same principles but being considerably older, a partner's life including truly self-sufficient older adult children wouldn't be different to me than that person wanting to spend time with nieces and nephews.
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Dorisan
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 10, 2011
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FreeAndHappy
The idea of sharing everything as a couple is not at all attractive to me, so I think that with the same principles but being considerably older, a partner's life including truly self-sufficient older adult children wouldn't be different to me than that person wanting to spend time with nieces and nephews.

How you want to configure your partnership is under your own control, but one partner having kids can affect your relationship in ways you won't be able to anticipate.

There have been events in my partnership that have allowed me to construct "what if" scenarios. Almost a decade back, my mate had a couple of bad health years - heart problems one year, a stroke the next. I was glad that we were >700 miles away from his family. Though they would have been helpful in a benevolent fashion, neither of us are the kind of people who want relatives hovering, suggesting or trying to be supportive. Now, if he had kids I believe the scenario would have been different. I don't think there's any kid, having a good relationship with their parent, who would have been happy being kept away, not apprised of their parent's condition, or prevented from having a say in the treatment. And, if what the offspring wishes is different than the spouse, who would want that kind of aggravation?

Another "what if" was the job relocation we accepted almost 21 years ago from the Midwest to North Carolina. When offered, we both said "get out of the boring Midwest; it's awful seasons; the lack of anything interesting to do; accept an opportunity to move to a whole different part of the country? Oh hell. Where do we sign?" It was a glad and easily accepted opportunity for us, yet we saw how it really tore our divorced co-workers. Most of them turned the relo down, though it meant losing a job, good benefits and having to start over in their careers - all because they would not face losing contact with their kids.

A partner who has kids is more complicated than just divvying up who buys presents or easily drawing lines. There can be life changing decisions or critical situations where the childless half of the partnership has to go along with what the parented side decides, factoring in the needs of the kid(s), if they want the relationship to continue. In a truly CF partnership, it's just between the two of you. That's the only kind of relationship I wanted.
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Miss_Hannigan
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
July 10, 2011
remaininteresting
Many things factored into the decision to marry a man with a child. (no worry or pressure for me to get pregnant, 50/50 custody arrangement means he is only with us half the time, he's not a small child but rather in middle school, etc etc. )

Bullshit. Soon you'll be pressured into having "A Clone of Our Own" to "seal" the man to you, and that 50/50 shit with his existing kid? That'll be a full-time job soon enough, now that he married a live-in babysitter. Hope you like sticky fingers and vomit. Good luck and go away.

--------------------
"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny
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Laura Carroll
Re: My on-the-gound question: "Childfree" step-parents
August 02, 2011
Thanks to all of you who weighed in on the childfree step parent question--here is a summary of what people said:
http://lauracarroll.com/2011/08/hapyy-non-parents-day-and-reporting-back-july-on-the-ground-question/

Would love your thoughts on the August on-the-ground question at La Vie Childfree: What childfree stereotype have you been subjected to most in your life? How has it impacted you? How have you dealt with this?
~L
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the noodler
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
August 03, 2011
Even before I decided to be childfree, I wanted NOTHING to do with childed/divorced men w/ kids. NOTHING! They are all assholes. I also have no experience with "step" stuff. My parents actually stayed together and 99% of their friends were married w/kids or childless singletons. The very few of these types that our family DID interact with solidified my stance later in life as to how fucked up all the divorce and step stuff is.
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Miss_Hannigan_NLI
Re: My on-the-gound question: "Childfree" step-parents
August 03, 2011
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Laura Carroll
Thanks to all of you who weighed in on the childfree step parent question--here is a summary of what people said:
http://lauracarroll.com/2011/08/hapyy-non-parents-day-and-reporting-back-july-on-the-ground-question/

Would love your thoughts on the August on-the-ground question at La Vie Childfree: What childfree stereotype have you been subjected to most in your life? How has it impacted you? How have you dealt with this?
~L

I''m curious as to why you're hanging out here. You don't even like us enough to include Bratfree as a link on your site.
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blueorchid
Re: "Childfree" step-parents confused smiley
August 03, 2011
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Miss_Hannigan_NLI
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Laura Carroll
Thanks to all of you who weighed in on the childfree step parent question--here is a summary of what people said:
http://lauracarroll.com/2011/08/hapyy-non-parents-day-and-reporting-back-july-on-the-ground-question/

Would love your thoughts on the August on-the-ground question at La Vie Childfree: What childfree stereotype have you been subjected to most in your life? How has it impacted you? How have you dealt with this?
~L
I''m curious as to why you're hanging out here. You don't even like us enough to include Bratfree as a link on your site.

I've actually been wondering the same thing. She probably can't get enough responses on her own site.
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