I my non-childproof home...

Earlier today I was reading a schadenfreude-licious update from a former friend who was dumb enough to have four kids. I wandered away from my computer to get some chores done. While putting away dishes from the dish rack, I thought about how her mommy-brain would flip out about my kitchen: knife block sitting out on the counter, cleaners and chemicals galore under the sink, cupboards full of breakable dishes, junk drawer containing a single-edge blade scraper and a box of replacement blades, bundle of plastic grocery bags under the sink...

I put away the dishes and looked around the rest of my house, and just snickered at what she'd think of the rest of it. Glass-front stereo cabinet in the living room, right next to the open wood-burning fireplace. Hatchet right on the other side of the fireplace.

Bathroom: more cleaners and such under the sink. Razors left on the counter, right next to the medications.

Office space: two computers with unfiltered internet access and rated 'M' games. White gas stored with the camping gear in the closet.

Bedroom: heh heh. We store the sex toys carefully and take good care of them, but we certainly don't lock them up.

Throughout the house: permanent markers, scissors, tons of lighters and matches are all within easy reach. Not a capped outlet in sight.

I never really thought about it before, but I take a certain odd pride in how dangerous my house would be for a small kid. I think I take pride in it because I haven't had to change my adult ways or hide my adult life (hello, nude art on the walls!). I like that my home is not G-rated!

Anyone else ever thought that way? I'm sure we have houses full of all sorts of hazards. Awesome, isn't it?

You betcha!

About fourteen inches from my right ear hangs my combat grade samurai sword. An eight year old could reach it. Frank Frazetta and Boris Vallejo art books in the living room. Fully clawed cat asleep on the scratching post about eight feet away. Pretty durn heavy Stratocaster leaning against the amp in what should be the dining room. What else can I spot without having to stand up? Oh, lit incense stick. Big heavy glass jug of apple cider within pulling down on head range. Plastic tarantula within eyesight of a four year old. Far too many breakable glass heirlooms on lower shelves, not behind glass or doors. A sliding glass door that's so clean that I almost walked through it, so you know a brain-dead sperm chimp would, too. Matches and lighters everywhere for said incense sticks and my pipe. As for the bedroom, lots of sex toys in the bottom two drawers of my nightstand, and lots of sharp objects in DW's. That doesn't count all the dangerous books we have that might actually force a kid to think!

Ah, bliss! Yep, I agree with you. Our homes look like our homes, not those sterilized suburban dens of staleness that breeders call homes. They reflect our lives, not the lives of children.

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I like not having to think about child proofing my home. I like it that my pets have never been terrorized by a sprog.

I like being able to have pretty, valuable things out without having to worry about some rugrat trashing them.

Most of all, I love it when THINGS STAY WHERE I PUT THEM, which is all the time.

I'm rather boring I suppose, decor wise (and I have actually seriously considered becoming an Interior Designer!)

Just because I'm watching an old re run of Archie Bunker - this would be the type of space I occupy. That type of house in the same type of urban area.

Not very exciting.

Rooms are pretty big though, + high ceilings on main floor. Upstairs were three beds but I had walls removed and now there are two.

All orig. wood and tile floors, also. And woodwork.

I don't have many possessions. Mostly by choice, I consider myself to be somewhat of a "Minimalist". I too have a fire place in the LR, in there, furniture wise is a black leather chaise couch. And one table.

So goes the rest of the place. I only have one small TV, no pay TV, this is out here on the 'back porch' (enclosed) - I only smoke in this area and it consider it 'the lounge'.

It's probably not dangerous in here because there really isn't that much stuff in here. Even cleaning products (might be dangerous) - I probably have one bottle of Mr. Clean under the kitchen sink. Between the two baths - one there's really nothing in - otherwise - I probably have 2 bottles of shampoo, 1 conditioner, 1 body wash.

I do not have anything in the (small) back yard, either. There is a little 'deck' area - beyond the porch - but it's nothing really. Walk out on it to go down the stairs to the yard or driveway. I do not have any flower beds or gardens or decorations out there. It's just a patch of grass.

And some of my neighbors here *do have* complex things in their yards. And not crappy / tacky / Famblee Friendly either - like serious work with complex plants and planning it all out in a fairly small area. I've not only seen this but I stop and ask about some of it - I do get out and talk to my neighbors - and some of this stuff that they do is just WOW.

Yes, I just have my boring little patch of grass.

In the garage is - the car.

I know - I'm just over loading you with exotic excitement here, aren't I?



Post Code: nymph

I have that thought all the time.

Not only is my home profoundly non-childproof, but I don't allow any children in my home ever.

I try to avoid noxious chemicals, but the few I have (sometimes you need a hammer) are all under the sink, at perfect toadler-grabbing level. Draino, 409, stuff like that.

I have a small collection of antique straight razors. I keep them bloody sharp, and nicely displayed.

No socket covers, no locked cabinets, tall, slender lamps that could easy be knocked over and whack a child unconscious.

I have a vintage record player and a collection to match on the bottom shelf. Candles on my coffee table which a small child could easily reach.

I recently switched my cat to a raw diet, so right now, I have raw meat in her bowl at floor level. Said cat also has all her claws, of course.

I've been thinking about learning to shoot and perhaps getting myself a revolver. It will not be locked up.

I love my CF home.

I don't have to worry about little shits breaking my dragons, getting into my makeup or jewelry, or their snowflake ears as I curse, while playing an RPG. And if I ever, EVER have the time and money for cosplay (Midna), I wouldn't have to worry about some kid pawing at my hard work.

You all have described my home environment.
( I will try to give more detail later).
Children are not EVER permitted in my home.

A few more things I noticed later on and figured I'd add: collection of knives (mostly folding) in a box on my dresser. In my house, anything with a blade is kept in nearly-surgical condition--I hate working with dull implements.

We have candles in various locations, usually with lighters or matches right next to them.

Also in the living room: a few DVDs of various movies, none of them suitable for children.

Hot water heater is set above that wimpy "kid-safe" zone. (apparently some rental laws require the lower temperature settings, in case childed people move in...when I was renting, I quickly figured out to bump up the temp so I could get a proper hot bath, not a barely-above-tepid one)

Tool box full of tools (including hammers, box cutter, xacto knife) in the hall closet. Crosscut saw sitting next to it.

Yay, I have a hazardous home!

No child has been in my house, and none ever will be.

Along these lines, I have taken great pleasure lately (again) in defeating those FUCKING childproof caps. On the kind that you have to press and turn, I found a guy's blog where he describes how to pry the inner cap out and use that alone for a blissfully NORMAL cap.

http://jimlaurwilliams.org/wordpress/?p=118

I haven't had such a sense of accomplishment in a while. :satan

Here is another one I've used as well:

http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-make-Evil-Childproof-caps-easy-to-open/

The one for mouthwash is the easiest. I LOVE IT.

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Shauna's like a gluten-free Jim Jones for dumb, lifeless middle-aged women. I swear, this bitch could set fire to a orphanage and they would applaud her for bringing them light. ~ Miss Hannigan

Oh GAWD the mouthwash!

Which I use plenty of because I have allergies and I like everything to be clean and pollen free. I HATE! those squeezy caps! Grrrrrr!

I usually just leave it sort of half closed. Which means - knock it over and you'll have a nice big mess to clean up!

You know - serious afficianados of the distilled spirits *drink* this stuff! How in the hell are they supposed to get it open?

Won't someone PLEASE!? Think of the DRUNKS!!!

I'm supposed to be cleaning my nice CF home right now. Erg. Did get up earlier and got all my work done to have this time.

Cannot. Get. Motivated! Do not want!

And like I say - I don't really have all that much stuff either. I just don't wanna do it! Boo!

Maybe I'll go drink that bottle of mouthwash

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CrabCake
Along these lines, I have taken great pleasure lately (again) in defeating those FUCKING childproof caps. On the kind that you have to press and turn, I found a guy's blog where he describes how to pry the inner cap out and use that alone for a blissfully NORMAL cap.

For prescription meds, you can request non-childproof lids. I signed a form at my pharmacy requesting non-childproof lids as default, so now that's what I get every time.

Well, I looked at those cap tips and my mouthwash - mine's different. Figures. Tabs are on the bottle neck, not the cap.

Oh and the weather guy just said "it's going to be like a tropical rainforest". Oh great! eyes2 This means I *will* be cleaning today before it gets bad again.

Gah. You know what's a nice cooling drink? "Peppermint Schnapps"

No, I do not drink the mouthwash. Will wait til I retire to Skid Row for that. Thinking about cleaning makes me kind of want to though.

Some helpful cleaning tips - tell yourself - it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be *done*. Also - well, I did *something*. It's better than it was. Finish this room and then you can go get some beer. Reward yourself!

Yeah, I wouldn't make it as a "house wife". See what happens when you don't teach the Young Ladies "Home Ec"?

Pfffft.

Mmmmm........Peppermint Schnapps..........

@ zzelda, so fucking true. Are you like my twin or something because I do the same damn things when I clean. Wonder if it is a female engineer thing because I have never met a female engineer who is tidy/ can deal with cleaning.

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mistress rotwang
@ zzelda, so fucking true. Are you like my twin or something because I do the same damn things when I clean. Wonder if it is a female engineer thing because I have never met a female engineer who is tidy/ can deal with cleaning.

Ha. Are there cameras in here? I was just going to gripe about my broken fan - which I spent time attempting to fix rather than much cleaning. Hey, I ran the vac around!

My place is about as non-childproofed as can be, and has a random furnishing style too. All kinds of chemicals and whatnot in the utility room, spiked jewelry on the coffee table and desk, bedroom set up as a workshop and a place to keep my clothes and some stuff in plastic tubs (I don't like sleeping in beds and find bedrooms confining), cords everywhere, no capped outlets, essential oil bottles in the bathroom (including some toxic ones like eucalyptus oil), non-childproof pill bottles that aren't locked up, one couch with storage ottoman to sit on/watch TV on, one chaise to sleep on, no nonslip anything, chemicals under the sink, one kitchen cabinet and half of my freezer filled with liquor, one fold-up table to eat at, and anything remotely kid-friendly that I might eat is made otherwise by ordering it or preparing it with hot peppers, adding hot peppers to it, or adding Sriracha to it. Even my preferred sodas aren't kid-friendly (Vernors, Reed's, Tab, Irn Bru, Ironbeer, Moxie)

Sadly, I don't have my own place right now. Financial constraints, and all that. :c

However, our house still isn't brat-friendly. Sharp edges on furniture, detergents under the sink, 18-rated games and films, matches and lighters about the place (not mine), a generous amount of booze (also not mine), and a kitty with all her claws still attached (and spiders absolutely EVERYWHERE).

It's even worse in my room: scary books (guess who my favourite author is ongue2), scary sketches, more sharp edges, more spiders, craft knives, the aforementioned cat (sometimes), heavy/extreme/scary/weird music, more 18-rated films and games, lots of messy art materials and a HUGE poster of that lollipop girl from GTA IV.

And don't get me started on my laptop...

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"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it."
George Bernard Shaw

"An oyster can play catch if u only give it the oprotunity"
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"hate comments will be deleted!! fuckers!"
Some random YouTube uploader

I'm also enjoying my non-kidproofed temporary home...jewelry laying out, hentai out in the open, no one tormenting my cat, knives not properly stashed...enjoying the ever-loving hell out of it. :biggrin2

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Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

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My home is what I like to call kitten proofed. I use certain baby proofing things like locks on cabinet doors but it's only because Aries is still young enough to possibly Darwinize himself and Archer thinks it's funny to eat some fairly bizarre things. I still don't allow spawn and I would never advertise that to anyone.

These are some of the items that are within easy reach in my home.

Kitchen: knives in quantity, cleaners under the sink, cupboards full of breakable dishes, bundle of plastic grocery bags, toaster oven, fire extinguisher, etc

Bathroom: Razors, medications and personal care products easily accessible.

Living Room: two computers with unfiltered internet access, an electric fireplace that can go up to 1500 watts, etc

Basement: boxes piled up, woodworking, repair and power tools, gardening items, laundry detergent, deep sinks, buckets, fire extinguisher, etc

Throughout the house: stairs, tall shelves, permanent markers, scissors, pictures with glass, glass stone and metal decor items, decor items that should not be chewed / eaten, etc

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Zzelda

You know - serious afficianados of the distilled spirits *drink* this stuff! How in the hell are they supposed to get it open?

Won't someone PLEASE!? Think of the DRUNKS!!!

larious

Liquor and dope (hubby's). Bottles with medicines, including tranquilizers, sleeping pills. 2-3 pistols, one assault rifle, unloaded. Knives, lighters, tools. Two fully clawed cats who dislike little people. One big unfriendly guard dog. Steep, tumble friendly stairs to basement, oops. Sanitizer bottles everywhere. Uneven floors, covered with uneven rugs. Not enough electric outlets to ensure proper darwinization. Big heavy books. Cluttered piles of stuff that could hide a dead body for weeks. Top heavy microwave oven, television and stereo equipment. Must install "No trespassing" signs.

I have a can of peanuts on the bottom shelf of the cupboard. And a jar of Peanut butter too!

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mumofsixbirds
I have a can of peanuts on the bottom shelf of the cupboard. And a jar of Peanut butter too!

You, madam, are a public health threat. Next, you'll be telling us that you eat peanut butter sandwiches, and have the nerve to exhale in public, afterward.

(The ones mongling about, wearing crash helmets, with nary a skateboard, rollerskate, or bicycle are the ones to target - I've gotten three this week).

Thanks to whomever coined the verb "mongling." It and "pregnoid" are my two newest favorite words.

I live in a second-floor apartment that can only be accessed by a steep set of stairs. There are front and back balconies, and I have the front one decorated nicely with solar lights and potted plants. I have some weapons that are not locked up (sword, pocketknife, etc.) and lots of sharp corners. On my bookshelves are all sorts of strange tomes about vampires, aliens, conspiracy theories, and the paranormal, not to mention fantasy books, classics, current events, and history.

None of my outlets are covered and my house panther has all of her claws. Sometimes she nips when she wants to be playful. There are candles and lighters sitting out, as well as a stocked wine rack that is sort of low to the ground. My CD collection is mostly metal, punk, goth, classical, and soundtracks.

I can have wine glasses, money, and random tchotchkes sitting out because I know they won't get broken.

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The only thing I recall being "child proofed" in our home when I was growing up was my mother put those plastic plug in caps over electrical outlets and that was only after one of my sisters had stuck a knife into one and blew out a circuit breaker. We were taught to respect their things so we didn't plunder through their bedroom where medications, guns, and who knows what all else was stored. It never occurred to us to swill back Clorax, hang ourselves on curtain cords, play hide-n-seek inside of appliances, lock ourselves in trunks, go swimming in back yard pools without permission, take naps behind the wheels of parked cars, stick our hands and feet under lawn mowers at any time especially while they were running, make chew toys out of dryer sheets or other similar cleaning items, wrap ourselves in dry cleaning plastic, stick BB's up our noses or foreign objects up our asses, dine on tooth paste or mouthwash, or play darts using razor sharp steak knives.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!