Your child gets to choose her own interests and hobbies, dammit!

So a friend recently posted online that in what my friend dubbed "a twist of fate I wouldn't have planned" her 6 year old daughter has become interested in ballet. I read that and thought, "yeah, like a zillion other little girls out there. So what?".

Other friends were quick to point out that ballet fosters discipline, strength, confidence, and athleticism; Mommy countered with "Oh, I've been trying to get her interested in dance for a while. I just didn't think that ballet would be the on-ramp for that". It became clear to me that it's not just that Mommy didn't expect it. Mommy doesn't want it.

This woman has always been haunted by body issues and would never, EVER have been comfortable taking a ballet class. I think in her mission to raise strong, confident girls she has written off ballet--too stereotypically feminine, and I'm pretty sure she also sees it as something that'll foster eating disorders.

She is rabid about raising girls that are strong and independent...I just think she has a limited scope of what "strong and independent" can look like. What form of dance did she have in mind for her kids? Ballet and tap are pretty common starting points for kids, especially little girls.

I haven't responded to her yet...trying to decide what to say. No point to just going off on her, because then she won't listen. I would like to find some way to point out that her kids get to have their own interests.

The fact she's been trying to get the kid into dance says alot here, it was never the kids choice of hobbie, mommy wanted her to be a dancer, little child wants to not pick any of the other dance choices her mum has been shoving in her face for month/years since she was a birth concept, mommy is shocked that the kid won't do as she wants it to do now that its brain developed a wee bit from mindless sack of crap to slightly self fuctional.

I'd the kid magically wanted to do a sport rather than dacing, then yeah, that might be a bit of a surprise since it wouldn't have obviously been on the table to begin with, but choosing a type of dance when the moo wants it to do dancing, nah, that's barely even worth a status update.

My cousin used to be a competition grade ballet dancer, my auntie forced both her daughters to do every gender correct thing to the fullest, my now 33yr old cousin was so skinny as a teen from trying to look flawless that she didn't have periods till she was almost a full adult, as an adult she's the biggest hoe I know, she's now trying to be the first to give grandma great grand babbyes, even though she just called off her most recent engagement, on the other hand, her younger sister is flip flopping between trying to be popular as a 31 yr old adult and wanting to hide from the world.

I never did any kind of dancing, I did little athletics as a kid, rode bikes, played computers and swam, I'm actually the most confident indapent person I know, I'm over weight, know I look good, lived alone in my own houses 8years, know what I want from my future and relationship, can't say remotely the same for any of my friends or family, all the girls that did dance ended up with rather fucked up perspective and lives

Just another case of a Moomy trying to live vicariously through her child.

On the positive side, my parents were always okay with me choosing my own hobbies and recreation.

But I had real parents, regardless of their shortcomings.....

I studied violin for 20 years, and taught the instrument for several. I had no-end difficulty with pahrunts who would "choose" the violin for their children, even when sometimes the child wanted a different instrument, like guitar or piano, or sometimes didn't want musical training at all.

You don't choose your child's musical instrument for them - that's a personal decision. It's like trying to choose a child's spouse for them. And you DON'T choose a super-hard instrument like the violin! A kid has to really, really want to play the violin; if s/he doesn't, and the parents force them to, it will merely turn them off to the discipline of music altogether.

But do you think that injunction carried any weight with the parental units? Most of the time, no. They had a mental image of their kid up on stage wailing away on a violin, and Mombie's fantasies trump reality every time!

I've written before about how my parents, who strangely enough were very critical of parents and schools that placed heavy emphasis on sports, tried to force me into swimming. I wasn't allowed to have other interests during this time and if I tried to pursue something, it always had to be dropped for swimming. They did this for almost 4 years of my childhood until for some unknown reason, finally stopping.

If a kid is forced into something, they may try, may just go through the motions, but they will never learn to like it and the second they have the chance, they'll leave it behind for good.

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exile
The fact she's been trying to get the kid into dance says alot here, it was never the kids choice of hobbie, mommy wanted her to be a dancer, little child wants to not pick any of the other dance choices her mum has been shoving in her face for month/years since she was a birth concept, mommy is shocked that the kid won't do as she wants it to do now that its brain developed a wee bit from mindless sack of crap to slightly self fuctional.

Actually, I'd bet my cat that she NEVER tried to get her kid interested in dance. She only said that to appease the people who responded to her post with "Actually, dance can improve her strength, coordination, confidence, etc". Once they said that, THEN she was all "Oh, I've been trying to interest her for years". Yeah, right. Never happened, I bet. She was just trying to soften her stance...a backpedal of sorts.

I'm going based on how she's been when her kid's shown interest in things Mommy herself can relate to. Other non-dance forms of art, for example. Mom likes visual art, and Dad's a pretty talent artist himself...no surprise that the kid has a good eye and draws/paints extremely well. Mommy can relate to that, so when the kid asked to sign up for a Saturday art class, Mommy signed her up for it. When her art supplies run out, Mommy is willing to get her more. Similar for food/cooking. Mom has a broad palate and loves ethnic foods. When Kid is into a new type of food, Mommy can relate.

But Mom has lots of body issues, and from comments she's made in conversation with me in the past, I've concluded that she has written off ballet as an anti-feminist breeding ground for eating disorders. She would feel horrible about herself if SHE had to take ballet; therefore, she hasn't wanted her daughters to study it. Thus, she sees her daughter's interest as "a bizarre twist of fate".

I say let the kid try it. There's a lot of good that can come from studying dance, and the kid in all likelihood will abandon it after a few years anyway. And if she doesn't...tough shit. Mommy can deal with the fact that her kid isn't her.

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selidororous
Just another case of a Moomy trying to live vicariously through her child.

On the positive side, my parents were always okay with me choosing my own hobbies and recreation.

But I had real parents, regardless of their shortcomings.....

YES!

My own dad can dog-paddle and that's about it. He grew up a lower-middle-class kid in the middle of Chicago, and at that time and place, swim lessons simply weren't a priority. He developed other hobbies that had nothing to do with water, and thus doesn't miss something he never had. But he was fine with us kids taking swim lessons, and thought it was pretty neat when I went the lifeguard route. He didn't fuss when I added moving-water rescue (not surf guard; didn't need it where I was) and other endorsements that involve doing things that would scare the crap out of him...because he realizes that I am not him. The sooner parents come to this realization, the better off everyone is!

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randomcfchick

But Mom has lots of body issues, and from comments she's made in conversation with me in the past, I've concluded that she has written off ballet as an anti-feminist breeding ground for eating disorders. She would feel horrible about herself if SHE had to take ballet; therefore, she hasn't wanted her daughters to study it.

After I saw this I thought, maybe its a little to the side of that, what if mommy, feels bad about having to go to and be at ballet while daughter dances, because of the other moms? If she really had got body image issues, and most ballet mums are ex ballet themselves trying to relive it through their kids, then they would probly still have image and eating issues themselves, if she's no super model and thinks she relates more with an ugly duckling, being around those people would be hellish, even if they didn't judge her themselves, she would feel bad just being near them.

one of my friends mums used to drop her off at tap, jazz and ballet go grocery shopping and come back for pick up, because she said she hated talking to the bitchy mums that wanted to stop the class every few minutes to yell at their child for not doing it well enough. Her daughter was also fat, so she got ignored by the teacher and picked on by the other mums under their breaths, but her daughter wanted to dance regardless even against her mums request to do something more accepting of her size.

Maybe she was secretly hoping that the kid would share her own (moo's) body insecurity, so that she (moo) could take on the noble role of comforter and self-esteem boosters. When daughter doesn't have the body confidence issues, and is perfectly confident with something like ballet, this threatens moo because 1) jealousy and 2) fear that her daughter will be unafraid of life and thus will not be emotionally dependent on moo as a security blanket.

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exile
After I saw this I thought, maybe its a little to the side of that, what if mommy, feels bad about having to go to and be at ballet while daughter dances, because of the other moms? If she really had got body image issues, and most ballet mums are ex ballet themselves trying to relive it through their kids, then they would probly still have image and eating issues themselves, if she's no super model and thinks she relates more with an ugly duckling, being around those people would be hellish, even if they didn't judge her themselves, she would feel bad just being near them.

Could be. I have heard that dance moms are often pretty intense.

Given her particular combination of geeky and crunchy, I could see her secretly nursing hopes that her kid would be interested in African dance, or Celtic, or both. Something more offbeat and earth-mothery.

Not sure if she's looking to leash the kid to herself in a co-dependent body image thing, but I do think that her scope for building independence and strength into her kids is more limited than she realizes. Having a gender-conforming interest (like ballet) doesn't mean your kid will be a spineless wimp. From experience with kids, I'd say that an even bigger part of it is how are you teaching that kid to THINK about the world around them? Expecting intelligent thought, rational reasoning, and valuing her dedication, strength, and passion are WAY more important than just encouraging her to pursue certain hobbies that Mom thinks are "independent".