Well... we knew it was going to happen (Neph and Harp stuff)

Dh is now insisting that we invite Nephew and Harpi and the loaf to our home because "We haven't seen the baybee yet and I feel kind of guilty"

I said "I dont need to see it... they all look alike"

He wants to invite them over and then said that I don't even need to cook for them (Harpi doesn't eat anything I cook anyway) Cooking for them is not the issue anyway. I do not like Harpi. I am also afraid (after I have gotten over my shyness) I will say something to them on my true feelings. I just don't need one of the things in my life that annoys the crap out of me in MY HOME and under my scrutiny. I know I will not be able to keep quiet when the kyd yells or spits up or craps or whatever.

Dh said "you dont' even have to hold the kyd" (not like I intended to)

Looking at it will be bad enough. For some reason I do not even like looking at baybees for any prolonged period of time. they live about an hour away and so the visit will be the length of at least a few hours. (thank goodness NOT overnight like visits to my old house)

I will probably pull out all my loaf terminology on them... I know it. Sometimes dh says I have to stay away from you people because my language toward moos, duhs and kyds is getting 'too colorful' but then.... he laughs and is in agreement on most of it. It's one thing when you really like the parents of the kyd and they made sure their lives were in order before they hatched it... but the fact that I only tolerate Nephew and can not stand Harpitina and this poor loaf was born into a germ infested junk heap of a home.... that makes me less tolerant of the whole mess.

So.. dh wants to have them over on Easter Monday. That's about 6 weeks away. Why then? Why not just invite them in a week or so and get it over with. I dont need this 'visit' wearing on my for 6 whole weeks. In 6 weeks I could surely think of somewhere else I could be. LOL

Okay.. that's the latest.

I'm wondering that, if he's 'feels guilty' about not seeing it, why doesn't he just go up there himself to look at it? Nothing's stopping him, and it's not fair to force you into a situation that he is really the one feeling guilty about. Heck, I'd even encourage him to take a week-long 'vacation' up there so that he can get his fill of all of the drama, smells, and forced 'free' babysitting these folks will quite happily shove on him any opportunity they can.

He'd get tired of it soon enough, once the novelty wears off.

If he wants to, let him. Without you. Although I can see why you might like to stay home, to have some control over what happens in the house.

I did suggest that he go up there and see the kyd if he feels so guilty.... Nope..he said that we BOTH need to "make the effort" (and dh does not want to go up to that moldy trashy house anyway) because HE still loves his nephew and doesn't want to "hurt his pweelins'
We didn't meet Nephew till he was TWO!

Simple fact of the matter on this kyd. I just don't WANT to meet it...see it... interact with it. I just don't. Period. And why should I have to because dh feels 'guilty?'

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starlady
Simple fact of the matter on this kyd. I just don't WANT to meet it...see it... interact with it. I just don't. Period. And why should I have to because dh feels 'guilty?'

Italics by me, because that part contains the salient point of all this: you're not responsible for his feelings about a situation that has zero to do with you. Those feelings are his to work through. I suppose some would say to let the baby and nephew and harpi visit when you're out of the house for the day, but I have a "no minors" policy at my house and would not want to have to leave my house just to accommodate the spouse's feelings of guilt.

He doesn't want to go to the moldly, trashy house because who would? Plus the trashy, moldy house is the reality of their pathetic lives, and who wants to be faced with that? Doesn't obligate you in any way, of course. But that's probably what's going through his head. He doesn't like what Nephew's life has become, but that's not your fault.

depends on if this is the hill you want to die on.
seriously, it may come down to 'see the loaf or I leave'; and I doubt the courts would look too kindly at you.
I would also keep the comments on the jackassholes to a minimum, he may be tired of hearing it. Just smile sweetly, and go on.
if you want to stand your ground and he brings the dump to your house you can a) find something else to do for the day elsewhere b) go elsewhere in the house c) be in the same room until the inevitable 'why don't you wanna hold the crotchturd' begins. then leave the room.
this is almost a guaranteed 'lose' situation. and it could provide ammunition if your hubby walks out 'she won't even hold the baaabbeee ...'
be careful.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Starlady, are you close to any of your side of your family? Maybe it's time for some reciprocal family annoyances.

"Sure, we can have Nephew and Harp and crotchfruit over, as long as my (insert your annoying relative name here) can join us as well."

If your hubby wants to give Nephew and his family money, an equal amount should be distributed to (insert your annoying relative(s) name here). Fair is fair.

My answer might not be the right one, because I am single so my perspective is probably slanted by that. But here is my take on it:

You are not obligated to do anything for anyone unless you said you would. That house is yours as much as it is your husbands, and I would try talking him out of it. Your DH said "You /need/ to make an effort too," I would ask him why? You don't owe your relatives anything {you didn't choose for nephew to marry the harpy}, and even if DH feels he does, you can argue that they are distant relatives, so you owe them less.

Try to ask DH to look at it through your eyes, or compromise by leaving the house. You don't owe people your time. If he is adamant that they come up no matter what, treat yourself to a movie / lunch, etc. That is what I did when I was a teenager living at home. A third option, if husband really doesn't want to hurt the bitch's feelings, is for you to pick up a shift at work, even a short one, and then just go out after. That way if they ask where you are, DH can say work. Either way though, stick to your guns. DH's sense of obligation isn't your burden and you don't owe people your time.

Lock him up or put him down.
Stolen from Shiny.

Okay... first of all. Dh is not going to walk out on me over this. We've been married 40 years and have been through much worse in our relationship than this... and he's still around.

I don't have any family left. I was an only child and my parents both died over 20 years ago... and the rest of the cousins just vanished (somewhere in Florida I think...lol) I do not work so extra shifts are not an answer either.

My best bet is to let them come but tell dh that it will be a very short visit... and then think up something I have to do that day so I will need to get rid of them so I can get ready. Actually... in looking at my calendar... the 17th of April is a day when I COULD have a meeting I must attend that evening...anhour's drive from here. (my charity org) This could work... a little hello.. "yeah, you got a baybee there alright...let's go to lunch"
then have lunch out so I dont have to lift a finger... because "I have an important meeting to go to" (whether it's important or not)

My fear after that will be that dh may say "We will have to invite them down for ...say...July 4th"( or some other day) and want to see them over and over. Could get sticky.

@starlady

That isn't a bad idea. Actually, if you wanted, you could meet them at the restaurant and then leave from there, so they wouldn't be in your house at all.

Lock him up or put him down.
Stolen from Shiny.

Ya know what I remember dh saying about them coming here. He wants to show off our new house to HER as "something she'll never get"
LOL! Seriously?

I'd rather meet them at a restuarant.. but we did that last time (before we moved) and he saidthat was too impersonal. Well... it was after that lunch we went with them and bought them a freekin dresser for the kyd which I never got a 'thank you' for from HER. Yeah.. that was all too impersonal.

I don't know...but... I'll handle it one way or another. First time I ever met the beotch (and I had bad vibes before I even met her) I had to have 2 glasses of wine...and I don't drink. I was actually half drunk when I met her. Didn't phase her...she said later "my whole family is nuts.. I'm used to it" WHAT? Well.. that sounds encouraging.

I could put on a nice 'show' and then have a grade 1 anxiety attack after they leave. It will be interesting.. IF it happens. I will try to prevent it if I can. I could get some funny stories out of it.. who knows.

I would get very, very ill the day they plan to show up. That way you could tell them that you have to beg out because you have a cold and don't want to expose the loaf to your illness. She'll have to decline, because if she still shows up, she'll be shown out to be a really bad moo.

It's just an idea, but I have no idea how that will work with your husband.

I'm not sure how to get out of this situation (others have made suggestions) but has dh ever talked to Nephew about getting neutered? Sounds like a conversation and an appointment that needs to happen.

I worry about you leaving while they are there (although I think that's a generally great idea). If hubby is anything like my ex (dog forbid!) he will use your absence to lessen his "guilt" by giving them money or something. Maybe just Own your Inner Bitch and say "OK time to go out to lunch about 15 minutes" after they get there. And do a Miss Manners by just repeating "No, we have to go now or I will miss my meeting" "No, sorry , it can't wait" and "no, sorry!" over and over!

You could always do the classic "I can't I have plans," followed by the internal 'I plan to not be here.' It's great because it isn't a lie and it's not considered as rude as openly admitting you aren't interested

Lock him up or put him down.
Stolen from Shiny.

Sorry you have to deal with this. There isn't a good out for it other than the visit being cancelled. At least the baybee isn't mobile (!) as that would be immeasurably worse ---diapers and a toadler getting into everything...ughh.

It may be good for you to be there to prevent damage control so you'll know what was touched and now requires cleaning or sterilization. They baybee is going to have to be changed somewhere and at least you could have say in where this happens and then anti-germ and bleach if necessary. And be sure to have a trashcan RIGHT NEXT to where the "temporary changing table" is located. And while the visit is happening make a ridiculously high maintenance meal that requires you to be in the kitchen instead of around them. Be sure to run late with food preparation so that your husband can spend as much time as he wants talking with them.

And make sure to milk up the meal preparation for all it is worth so they understand how big the effort is that you went into to please them. May not hurt to make your husband run out for a couple of last minute grocery runs so that he isn't sleeping in and watching TV while you furiously prepare...maybe he'll associate the memory with too much effort and won't be so fast to invite them over again. Make sure he participates in the preparation and clean up afterwards.

Being absent may be worse as you wouldn't know what was going on and your husband may not be paying much attention to if the baybee is spitting up and where and the location of the diaper changing. Double line every trash can in case a diaper winds up there. Also, if there is a trashcan or room you don't want them in then lock the door and move the trashcan where they can't access it. Since they're slobs, remove any nice comforters from beds they will have access to and replace them with washable blankets that could potentially have human waste on them. Try to make everything you own that is fragile or expensive inaccessible. I wouldn't waste any time cleaning before they arrive because I'd be sterilizing everything once they left. Do you have a kitchen table that doesn't need coasters? They don't sound like the type of people who would use coasters so watch where you let them sit otherwise you could wind up with water damage on your furniture. Be prepared to physically put their drinks on coasters throughout the visit.

If you have trashcans outside, have your husband move them before they visit unless you want to risk opening it and seeing a nasty diaper and then having to clean and hose it out the can. If he doesn't do this and winds up with a mess then another visit may not be pushed.

Doubt I've covered everything but I'd recommend safeguarding everything. Remember these people are slobs and don't take care of anything.

I like the idea of the involved meal... but they would not appreciate it. Also.. I live in the land of the 'open concept' where the kitchen, eating area and family room are all one room.

I fully intend on deciding on a place for changing. Thought about a drop cloth from the dollar store thrown on the bed in the guest room with an old beach towel on there. then you can just roll it up and toss it. I mean... cover the entire bed with it...kind of sending a message. LOL Thank doG she doesn't BF anymore. I just hope they don't get the idea to plop the baybee seat/carrier on the table. I will not put in the leaf and there will be no room. Kyd seat must sit on the floor...and she can beg with the dogs. LOL OH... and maybe I'll put a drop cloth down there too. Yeah, this could actually be fun if I play it right.

Whenever I am around a kyd.. in close proximity... a get sick within 3 days. So, we'll see what happens. Maybe dh will get sick. That'll teach him.
It's usually a stomach issue. Probably the e coli effect.

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starlady
I did suggest that he go up there and see the kyd if he feels so guilty.... Nope..he said that we BOTH need to "make the effort"

Yeah, nope. You are an adult, not a recalcitrant toddler, and another adult doesn't get to tell you that you need to participate in something. A partner can request my participation and explain why it is desired, but telling me something is mandatory does not fly if I don't share the opinion.

While I might accede to something I'm not keen on for the sake of a partner, having it presented to me in this manner would piss me off.

I think that you and Mr. Star need to have a talk, to make sure you're on the same page when it comes to this situation. I would tell him how you are feeling and that you would rather not have nephew, harpi and loaf in the house, even though it would be a great opportunity to show them how nice your home is and how good you have it, compared to what they have - and maybe open their eyes. Nephew already knows how good the two of you have it because, if I recall correctly, he has been to your home before and helped you move, did he not?

As for harpi, the two of you do not get along so why knowingly bring that tension into your home, your sanctuary? Also, ask hubby if you want the smell of shitty diapers and puke permanently infiltrating your home and porous surfaces? Once it's in there, there will not be a way of getting it out and you will have to keep smelling it for a long time after they are gone.

If you must see them, it has to be out somewhere. Granted we all know a wailing baby can be a pain to other patrons in an eating establishment, but were else are you going to go in the dead of winter? I mean it's not like you can go to the park for a picnic. This way, if baby starts wailing and getting fussy etc than they will have to leave. In a sense you can keep this visit short and not so sweet, waving behind them and saying 'good riddance!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They are having children for selfish and narcissistic reasons, or are simply irresponsible. Funny... Those are the terms often used to describe the CF

~Live, Laugh, Love~

Ya know what I remember dh saying about them coming here. He wants to show off our new house to HER as "something she'll never get"
LOL! Seriously?

Does Harpi want to be in your will and get the house after you are gone??

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cfdavep
Ya know what I remember dh saying about them coming here. He wants to show off our new house to HER as "something she'll never get"
LOL! Seriously?

Does Harpi want to be in your will and get the house after you are gone??

Well... OFCOURSE she does. Nephew was going to get our former house and it was in 'trust' Now that we've moved.... we have to do that part of the will over again. Haven't done it yet. I have told dh that I don't want her to get any of it...but if he gets it... she gets it. There are clauses you can put in where she gets nothing if they get divorced. When we go to fix the will I am going to mention that. I surely do NOT want her living in my house ... and they would surely move right on in. THAT will be a huge fight... I'm sure.

I am not sure WHY I dislike this woman so much. I disliked her before I met her. I gave her a chance by inviting them for holidays and going up there for Thanksgiving once )wow... was that crazy) Tried to get closer to her...but her vibes are just pushing me away. She showed her true colors when they were planning the wedding. Her real thoughts came out and her attitude was so that I didn't want any part of her from that point on. Just don't know what it is...but... I do NOT like her. That is my prerogative. If I choose not to like someone then that is my business and I refuse to be forced into it.

Nephew checked in with dh this evening. Loafly is sick again... with breathing problems. Most likely from living in a filthy house. What a mess.

That could be your out. Tell nephew and the bitch you don't think loaf should travel while sick. Too bad, you'll have to reschedule for "some other time," sometime beteeen now and never.

Lock him up or put him down.
Stolen from Shiny.

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starlady
Well... OFCOURSE she does. Nephew was going to get our former house and it was in 'trust' Now that we've moved.... we have to do that part of the will over again. Haven't done it yet. I have told dh that I don't want her to get any of it...but if he gets it... she gets it. There are clauses you can put in where she gets nothing if they get divorced. When we go to fix the will I am going to mention that. I surely do NOT want her living in my house ... and they would surely move right on in. THAT will be a huge fight... I'm sure.

Do you agree to him getting it? He's made a lot of bad decisions lately. Why should all your hard work go to someone you sort of tolerate?

Nope..he said that we BOTH need to "make the effort"

Your husband doesn't get to make any decisions for you on who you will maintain a relationship with. It's your home, too - the "two yes, one no" rule should apply. If both parties are in agreement that a visit/function will happen in the home, then fine. If one person does not want the visit/function in the home, it doesn't happen.