Waahhh! My precious baby has defiled her skin! Ask Amy

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Dear Amy: My 45-year-old daughter got a large tattoo on her inner arm. Imagine my surprise when I finally saw it. I said to her, “Is that real?” She laughed and said, “Yes.” Nothing further was said during my visit except for once when I stated, “I don’t like tattoos.”

That was three years ago. Life went on, and the tattoo dissolved, for me, into the background of our relationship.

Now, she has sent me pictures of her with her dogs, husband, friends, etc., and I am seeing another tattoo. We are planning another visit. What do I say, if anything?

She obviously wants me to notice. This is a woman who has a very responsible job, but is choosing (in my opinion) to defile her body.

It’s probably generational, but I can’t stand to see my daughter with tattoos. I just don’t know how to approach it. I think I got it wrong last time. Please tell me what to say.

— Tattoo Hater

Dear Hater: Sometimes I fall back on this: “If you can’t find something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

For your daughter, these tattoos are not a defilement, but a decoration. A statement. Part of her external identity. And yes, your reaction is largely generational.

Before preparing any response, absorb this reality: Your daughter is her own person. Her body belongs to her. She is not deliberately trying to upset you. She is just living her life.

You have choices regarding this relationship. You can choose to focus on something you see as a flaw and take it personally, or you can choose to love your daughter wholeheartedly, regardless of her adornment, and accept and embrace her, just as she is.

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Before preparing any response, absorb this reality: Your daughter is her own person. Her body belongs to her. She is not deliberately trying to upset you. She is just living her life.

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kittehpeoples
Another one of these? And it's always the mothers...have we ever seen one of these where a father complained about a kid's tattoo?

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freya
I doubt she obviously wants her mother to notice her tattoos. She probably shows them in the photograph because she likes them.
Bet everything and anything that happens in this family is all about the moo. If they're planning a visit most likely there is a long car or plane flight involved and I think that is by design.

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randomcfchick
She is one who often thinks that family members should put up with shit from each other because blood is thicker than water and all that.

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contemplativeintrovert
^^^

Fucking THIS! I have heard so many times that I need to tolerate bullying comments from my brother because he's FAMBLY or be nice to niece because she's FAMBLY and FAMBLY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. Fuck that noise. How can people honestly believe that 1. Involuntary obligations are valid, and 2. You owe people something simply by virtue of being related, again, something you had no control over? Smh. I'm studying to get my BA now, and eventually I hope to become a psychologist. One of my relatives asked me if I got my degree would I help niece, because FAMBLY. Um, no. Not only should you never try to treat family / friends / people you know because your bias would skew your treatment, but also, you don't owe your family anything.

And lest lurking moos think me an ungrateful bint, let me say, it is not everyone in my family I have a problem with. I love my mom to death. However, I treat my family the same way I treat my friends, coworkers, and strangers; I don't put up with toxic relationships and I don't subject myself to anybody's company. Period.