Six Ways A Toadler Can Ruin Your Life

What a bullshit article, , typical soft-pedaling of the Hell that is Breeding.

1. "You have to think about what you eat"? Because everyone who doesn't have a chyld is eating at bars, getting drunk every night and eating pizza for breakfast? Uh, all adults think about what they eat and I've personally decided to not use plastic because it's bad for the environment and bad for me. No child required to come to that conclusion.

2. "They want to come everywhere with you." Well, Duh, do people go to the trouble to have a kid and not realize that once the baybee shower, public accolades and attention are over, yes, you have to raise that kid. If you are a woman particularly it means having a small sticky human attached to you for an extended period of time? (More if you are a crunchy Moo.) And perish the thought, there is a suggestion if you like to go to exotic places, you'll have to take your toddler along. I don't fucking think so. How about realizing your life has changed and staying home with your brat? Because this is what you wanted and nobody else wants to be in Tahiti with your brat.

3. "They wake you up early." Well, a bit of honesty.

4. "They make you use your imagination." I'm an adult and I use my mind every day and it's not playing kiddie games.

5. "They force you to learn life lessons." Such as: using a condom has lasting effects on one's life? Hopefully these lessons don't include: why did I allow society/my partner/social pressure to make me do something I wasn't ready for or I didn't want.

6. "They'll make you forget to care about your appearance." Because everyone becomes a sloppy Moo. My mom raised two kids and never looked like a hot mess.

No mention of the real, documented effects on finances, marriage, career, life. Just keep pedaling that soft stuff and making yourselves feel better.

Parents are always trying to be funny, insightful, blah blah....but really, they haven't done anything that hasn't been done since the beginning of mankind. They try to put a positive spin on things because they are secretly resentful of their kids and are trying to deal with their shitty life choices. I think this is also a way to lure fence-sitters to their side. Misery loves company. I've seen enough parents to know that they aren't all like that. The ones who aren't busy writing stupid lists like that are actually, ya know, being parents.

The transparency in this list is almost laughable.

Number 1 depends on how you're raising your kid. Working poor parents don't have the luxury of getting organic everything or making sure their baby's skin never touches anything but 100 percent unbleached natural fibers. This is aimed squarely at crunchy yuppie white moms.

Number 2 is a "well duh" comment. Little humans are wired to stay close to their caretakers when they're tiny. It's survival. Don't bother taking those vacations and traveling the world with a toddler. It's more life experience, it enriches them, blah blah...but they also have no context for comparing foreign cultures or flora/fauna. They'd be just as happy exploring the plants, animals, and people of your immediate area. They don't know the fucking difference, and they don't travel super-well, so just accept that your world has shrunk considerably for a few years and just stick close to home You'll be doing your fellow travelers a huge favor.

Number 3 is another "well duh". Their sleep and wake cycles are still closer to a baby's. They run themselves out, they sleep. They get up and repeat. This is your life for a few years. Get the fuck over it.

Number 4 makes me feel sorry for parents, because it reminds me of people who're excited to have kids because it means they get to do kid things like draw, play with Lego, etc. "They make you use your imagination" means that the author thinks imagination stops when you're a working adult. There's no rule saying you can't daydream and imagine as an adult, just like there's no rule against the Playmobil, wind-up creatures, and Lego figures that populate the shelf of my desk.

Number 5...I dunno. Toddlers live in the moment because their brains are underdeveloped and don't understand time. I'm glad I can keep a schedule and plan ahead. And while I'm a creature of habit, breaking with a schedule and "living in the moment" is probably less of a big deal for me because...well, I don't have kids. I don't have someone constantly trying to tear me away from what I need to get done. And frankly, Number 5 doesn't sound so much like "life lessons" as it does "toddlers have no concept of time or impulse control, and will try to do what they want, when they want. You'll be left dealing with the aftermath".

Number 6 makes me laugh. Yeah, the toddler doesn't care if you haven't showered and have bags under your eyes. But enough days of that and you're a miserable mofo, no matter now you try to spin it. Mom raised the three of us and no, she didn't run around looking like June Cleaver or Donna Reed, but she kept herself put together.

I work from home some days and am happy to slob it around in sweatpants and a ponytail. I and my clothes are clean, but not exactly fashionable. Look, I got #6 without parenting. Or does it not count because I put on appropriate clothes when I head out?