Attachment Parenting: How Today's Parents Are Messing Up Their Kids

“We’re confusing our own needs with our kids’ needs and calling it good parenting,” Blume said, letting out a sigh. I asked him why he sighed. (This is what happens when two therapists have a conversation.) “It’s sad to watch,” he explained. “I can’t tell you how often I have to say to parents that they’re putting too much emphasis on their kids’ feelings because of their own issues. If a therapist is telling you to pay less attention to your kid’s feelings, you know something has gotten way of out of whack.”

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/1/

This article is great, I'm on the 2nd page right now. I like how it seems to show the selfishness of attachment parenting.

Whatever happened to kids being part of the family, rather than the center around which it revolves, and on a golden pedestal? We knew from the get-go that we were loved, BUT that we were no more special or deserving than any other member of the family - parents included. As a result, a kid learns to take turns, respect others and their needs, and doesn't get a sense of entitlement. WTF happened???

Although I hadn't realized it was "Attachment Parenting" at the time, my ex SIL and Bil, who had five kids, practiced this bullshit. It was a complete pain in the ass to be around them because of it and all of the fucking nonsense like asking a toddler's permission to put his ass in a car seat, "Gabriel, is it okay if daddy straps you in now?", or allowing a 5 y/o to make his own lunch choices while AT a busy lunch counter line and everyone is WAITING while this crap goes on: "Zachariah, do you want the chicken nuggets like at McDonalds, the little hot dogs on a stick like at the fair, the baby hamburgers like at Krystal, or the ham sandwich with the crust cut off like at Gram Gram's?. Do you want pink milk, Juicy-Juice with a straw, a bottle of water, or do you just want to drink some of mommy's lemonade from your cup? Do you want the curly wurly fries, the little tater wedges, or the big boy baked potato like daddy gets?", FFS JUST ORDER ALREADY AND MOVE THE FUCK OUT THE WAY!

They of course do this shit in a sing-sing voice and scan the audience for nods of approval too which is HIGHLY obvious and annoying as well. Then they'd do that thing with the baby wearing, asking the kids' opinions on everything from what they ate or watched on TV, "Okay guys! It's Rachel's turn to pick where we go eat tonight!", or "Joseph, you and Rebeccah decide on either the Disney channel or the Cartoon network, but remember, it's only fair that daddy get to watch the ballgame at 8PM, so pick something that's over by then, okay? Is that okay? You agree that's fair, don't you?" FFS, dump them in a back bedroom where there's a small TV with kiddie videos and be DONE with it! :headbrick

In addition to all of that, they'd do all of it loud enough and in that ANNOYING voice they get so that everyone could see what great parents they were. She is a Captain in the Air Force and he had a masters degree in computer science, but was a stay at home dad and NEVER worked another day after the first loaf and he home schooled too. Those kids ALL have something wrong with them too including behavioral disorders, anorexia, anxiety and phobias, and one of those kids STILL hadn't uttered an audible word by the time he was in kindergarten and I have no idea what his diagnosis was or why he would only whisper to one of his parents when asked a question by someone else and they basically spoke for him.

My up close look at Attachment Parenting caused me to believe it was a crock of shit and an irresponsible parenting "method".:BS

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

Ok, got it now, this is what my exSIL practiced. Now I know the problem. She was exactly like yours, 'kidleskim'. there was that asking permission shit. I mean she would ask my nephew if he wanted to go in the back seat and wear his seatbelt (no seat..no booster seat) and if he'd say 'no' then he was allowed to RIDE ON HER LAP!!!! (I have a pic of him doing just that) He also didn't utter much more than 'Duh' till he was 5. He worships his mother so much that he can't see if she ever does anything wrong (like the few times she told me off when he lived here) She was always right in his eyes. Oye! Now I think we all know that our parents are not perfect. They all have their flaws. This kid does not see a single flaw in his mother. It's because she'd give him every freekin thing he wanted. It was always 'reasoning' and not 'diciplining'. She let him make his own choices in everything.. The kid even picked his own sister's NAME. (luckly he picked something decent) The moo had to make sure that the 5 yo brother would approve of the name they gave his sister. OMG... no wonder this kid is a spoiled rotton moocher.

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kidlesskim
Although I hadn't realized it was "Attachment Parenting" at the time, my ex SIL and Bil, who had five kids, practiced this bullshit. It was a complete pain in the ass to be around them because of it and all of the fucking nonsense like asking a toddler's permission to put his ass in a car seat, "Gabriel, is it okay if daddy straps you in now?", or allowing a 5 y/o to make his own lunch choices while AT a busy lunch counter line and everyone is WAITING while this crap goes on: "Zachariah, do you want the chicken nuggets like at McDonalds, the little hot dogs on a stick like at the fair, the baby hamburgers like at Krystal, or the ham sandwich with the crust cut off like at Gram Gram's?. Do you want pink milk, Juicy-Juice with a straw, a bottle of water, or do you just want to drink some of mommy's lemonade from your cup? Do you want the curly wurly fries, the little tater wedges, or the big boy baked potato like daddy gets?", FFS JUST ORDER ALREADY AND MOVE THE FUCK OUT THE WAY!

Their response to criticism of this behavior is, "Well they need to learn how to function in public!!!"

That's fine by me, but why does it have to be this big spectacle? Why the attention whoring? And why are you permitting them to take so long when all I want is to grab a plain bagel before I have to hop on a plane for a 5 hour flight???

I had the exact opposite upbringing - where my parents did all of my "choosing" for me up until my early 20's until I married and left my fambaweird. My mother was very strict - did not like my choice of anything, even something simple like bedroom curtains. Yep she needed to control me, perhaps because she felt she made the mistake of allowing Dad too much freedom and not controlling him. So with that sort of background, no, I do not want nor need children in my life.

The last time I saw this attachment parent shit I was in Target. A kid (maybe 4) was standing up in the seat part of the shopping cart and could have gotten hurt. Instead of saying, "SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW," duhdee was saying, "Now Caitlyn, you really need to sit down, ok? Because you could get hurt and mommy and daddy would be so sad." Why would you have to explain and rationalize to a four year old???

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nobodylikesyourkidbutyou
The last time I saw this attachment parent shit I was in Target. A kid (maybe 4) was standing up in the seat part of the shopping cart and could have gotten hurt. Instead of saying, "SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW," duhdee was saying, "Now Caitlyn, you really need to sit down, ok? Because you could get hurt and mommy and daddy would be so sad." Why would you have to explain and rationalize to a four year old???

The Attachment Parenting cult don't "believe" in raising their voices, spanking, letting a kid "cio"(cry it out), time outs, or any OTHER type of "punishment" They preach, "natural consequences for bad behavior". An example of this nonsense would be if a kid left a bunch of toys out he was supposed to have picked up. He won't be allowed to play with THOSE toys until he complied, but it's okay to "redirect" him and let him play with other toys. One of the most extreme ones I read about on a moo forum was about a moo getting pissed when her toddler ran out into traffic outside of a Pizza hut and another customer-bystander snatched his ass out of harm's way as the driver honked and the kid wailed.::bawl

The moo was pissed off because he yanked the kid and yelled at him. Although she didn't say anything to the hero, she bitched about it on the moo forum and said she thought he handled it in a non Attachment Parenting "gentle" way. Instead, she ranted the child should have been gently taken by the arm as to not upset or startle him, taken aside and held against her bosom and maybe even breast fed on the spot to soothe his tears because he had been frightened, and after he calmed down, to lovingly explain to him WHY running out into the street could have hurt him and caused a "BAD boo boo", so forth and so on, .....................

A toddler will NOT remember that "gentle discipline" bullshit the next time he wants to dart out into traffic, but I'll bet he remembers getting snatched up, swacked across the ass, and scolded. :bdid

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

"Gentle discipline" "Attachment parenting" is fucking bull shit!!! In 2006, I had a roommate who had a six year old little girl, I'll call her Psycho Brat. Moo believed in "gentle discipline". If Pycho Brat wanted to watch something on TV, but it wasn't her turn, (yes, moo thought I was taking turns with a 6 year old. She was surprised when that didn't work) Psycho Brat would stand in front of the TV and scream until she got what she wanted. Moo gave in, but I never did. Moo actually thought Psycho Brat was "expressing herself" when she did this. NO, it wasn't "expressing feelings", it was throwing a tantrum, and for some reason that shit was tolerated. This is one of many reasons that mess was reported to CPS. I've seen attachment parenting in action, and I don't want to deal with these brats when they're old enough to have jobs.

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satansbitch
"Gentle discipline" "Attachment parenting" is fucking bull shit!!! In 2006, I had a roommate who had a six year old little girl, I'll call her Psycho Brat. Moo believed in "gentle discipline". If Pycho Brat wanted to watch something on TV, but it wasn't her turn, (yes, moo thought I was taking turns with a 6 year old. She was surprised when that didn't work) Psycho Brat would stand in front of the TV and scream until she got what she wanted. Moo gave in, but I never did. Moo actually thought Psycho Brat was "expressing herself" when she did this. NO, it wasn't "expressing feelings", it was throwing a tantrum, and for some reason that shit was tolerated. This is one of many reasons that mess was reported to CPS. I've seen attachment parenting in action, and I don't want to deal with these brats when they're old enough to have jobs.

The only kids I've seen first hand raised this was were my niece and nephew. Mostly I witnessed it with my nephew because by the time my niece came along (when the nephew was 5) I distanced myself from them because I couldn't take watching it. Both kids are now adults. I don't have contact with the niece, but the nephew lived with us for a while. (as some of you know by now) Ok, so, here's how it goes at his jobs. He goes into a new job with the idea that he'll get into management almost imediatly (no college degree btw because college was too HARD for him and he dropped out) When he doesn't get into management in the time he thinks he should.. the quits. His weekly pick up hockey games are so important that he'll leave work early in order to get to them. He does this because he 'neeeeeds to play' ... and I have seen him mope around when he was unable to go to his game. He's freekin 28!! Ok... and get this. My dh and I are not interested in hockey. We have never gone to one of his games because we are just busy and not interested. He moaned and groaned that "we don't support him because we don't go watch him play" No..well,,, we let him live rent free in our house for 6 months... and when we asked him for rent on the 7th.. he got all upset and called and complained to his mommy. What a turd!
He got himself a GF and now he's mooching off of her. At least he's out of OUR house.

I know someone who's doing this, her kid is already a whining useless hunk of shit at the age of like five.

I think she still nurses too. It horrifies me.

All this reality tv, people being famous for nothing, it's all the same kinda thing I think. Narcissism pure and simple; it's like these people are purposely making these kids narcissists for some reason...scares the shit out of me.

If only parents would realize that simple rules aren't necessarily the same as "simplistic".......i.e. "bad." Why make life so complicated, when it doesn't even WORK?

(Even smart people often don't get this.)

From Aesop's Fables:

THE CAT AND THE FOX

A fox was boasting to a cat one day about how clever he was. “Why, I have a whole bag of tricks,” he bragged. “For instance, I know of at least a hundred different ways of escaping my enemies, the dogs.”

“How remarkable,” said the cat. “As for me, I have only one trick, though I usually make it work. I wish you could teach me some of yours.”

“Well, sometime when I have nothing else to do,” said the fox, “I might teach you one or two of my easier ones.”

Just at that moment they heard the yelping of a pack of hounds. They were coming straight toward the spot where the cat and the fox stood. Like a flash the cat scampered up a tree and disappeared in the foliage. “This is the trick I told you about,” she called down to the fox. “It’s my only one. Which trick are you going to use?”

The fox sat there trying to decide which of his many tricks he was going to employ. Nearer and nearer came the hounds. When it was quite too late, the fox decided to run for it. But even before he started the dogs were upon him, and that was the end of the fox, bagful of tricks and all!

APPLICATION: One good plan that works is better than a hundred doubtful ones.

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selidororous
I had the exact opposite upbringing - where my parents did all of my "choosing" for me up until my early 20's until I married and left my fambaweird. My mother was very strict - did not like my choice of anything, even something simple like bedroom curtains. Yep she needed to control me, perhaps because she felt she made the mistake of allowing Dad too much freedom and not controlling him. So with that sort of background, no, I do not want nor need children in my life.

That sounds like my upbringing. They'd do my choosing for me too, or they would let me choose, then go behind me and make sure my choice was undone. It didn't teach me to do what they wanted, it just showed me they didn't care about my views or my feelings on anything.

What was worse was they'd sometimes consult with my sister on what I should do, so I in effect had 3 parents. She was raised just the opposite, she did what she wanted and if they tried to assert authority over her, she'd run to her room and slam the door, and they'd cave in every time. They were also overly concerned with her self esteem, which is why whenever I hear about the so called self esteem movement, I cringe, because I've seen some of the results of artificially inflated self esteem and it isn't pretty.

JD

I too have seen what Attachment Parenting has done to young adults. I was a child in the mid eighties and I remember children getting choices and "gentle discipline". Those are also the same children who now live on their parents couch and can't do ANYTHING for themselves. My ex-boyfirend was that way. His mom was/is the sweetest, but she did EVERYTHING for her kids. So much so, that they ALL (4) still live at home. My ex is 28 and his youngest sibling is 19 or 20. He now has a baby and his baby mama living with them as well.