"Stop telling me I'll change my mind later"

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So it’s endlessly surprising when people tell me I’ll change my mind. Uber drivers, a GP, once even a woman-child working in a clothing store who looked about 12. I’d like to think it’s my youthful good looks. But it’s not. It’s disbelief that I’m not still striving to quicken.

Darn, I was attributing the ongoing bingos to my youthful looks. Now I can't find any silver lining to it at all.

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The subtext of “you’ll change your mind” goes back to the idea of motherhood being the natural position and anything else being deviant. That in turn means that the childless must be locked in battle against the mythical biological clock. That hormones will eventually ensure the right instinct kicks in. That a proper woman will at some point gasp and realise she is destined for children. (Hey, if she does, do not get smug on her pregnant arse. That’s just rude.)

Smug isn't exactly the word I'd use if she's been going around saying she's CF.

I like this comment because I think it is very accurate:

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commenter
I asked one of my friends with kids if she actually enjoyed being a mother once - her pained response (we were alone ) was that there are rare moments when it is magical but for the most part its an unbearable slog. But it was her life, so she had to get on with it.

I cannot imagine describing my own life in such depressing terms.

It reminds me of those unintentional messes you make that you end up spend an hour or more cleaning up. Not the routine cleaning we all have to do, these are the messes that eat into your free time and are an unpleasant surprise.

But with kids you are stuck cleaning those messes for 18+ years.

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freya
I like this comment because I think it is very accurate:

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commenter
I asked one of my friends with kids if she actually enjoyed being a mother once - her pained response (we were alone ) was that there are rare moments when it is magical but for the most part its an unbearable slog. But it was her life, so she had to get on with it.

I cannot imagine describing my own life in such depressing terms.

It reminds me of those unintentional messes you make that you end up spend an hour or more cleaning up. Not the routine cleaning we all have to do, these are the messes that eat into your free time and are an unpleasant surprise.

But with kids you are stuck cleaning those messes for 18+ years.

I feel like with kids, your life is a never-ending queue of obligations. I'm always trying to reduce my obligations because I resent spending my time on tedious things. Obligations tend to be tedious at best, unpleasant at worst. Of course I do the things I need to do, like cleaning my apartment and brushing my teeth and taxes and so on, but I would not willingly add to them. I wonder if I'm hyper aware of how much of my day is spent doing things I don't enjoy due to being an antinatalist.

I would be utterly miserable as a parent.

The only people who tell CFers they'll change their minds are either barren wanna-breeders who are bitter that they have no choice or actual breeders who had kids and regret doing so. Other childfree people don't bingo one another, and the PNBs I've told I don't want kids always responded with "Good choice!" - not because they hate their kids, but because they know what a pain in the ass it is. Gynecologists are biased because a woman with no kids isn't gonna be as much of a money maker as one who has/wants them.

Children are seen as a default life setting, even though they are a 100 percent voluntary choice. I think if there was no social stigma to breed and people actually put thought into having kids before going and having them, the birth rate would be insanely low. People are wising up for a lot of reasons and it's like they now have to be tricked or guilted into breeding because they know what a shitshow it is, kinda like the social human equivalent of hiding your dog's pill in a wad of chicken to make him take it. Unhappy breeders will gladly lie to your face with promises of happy, idyllic motherhood experiences if it means they can drag you down into their miserable world with them.

I'm waiting for someone to give me the mind change bingo again so I can respond with, "And what if I don't like it?" I'm sure they'll still tell me I'll definitely enjoy it, much like a salesman trying to sell me something they know is a piece of shit. Well let's say I don't like it after all, are you willing to take the kid if I don't like it? Since you spoke so highly of mommying, obviously YOU would be the perfect person to take my kid in the allegedly unlikely event I don't love it! And then you get the chance to turn their bullshit back at them. "What do you mean you don't want another child? You said it was the most wonderful thing in the world, so who wouldn't want more of something so wonderful?" Assholes.

And why does the fabled mind change only happen to childfree people? Let's hear about parents who changed their minds and are raising kids they can't stand because murder is still illegal and adopting the fuckers out would get them socially crucified. Surely that pendulum swings both ways, but it's just more fun to pick on the unchilded people because we're the bad boy deviants who need to be taught a lesson and it's mean to call out the people who made the "right" choice.

Me not having kids affects nobody else but me. Meanwhile, breeding impacts everyone on multiple levels. The world's slow demise will happen just fine without a contribution from me.

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Cambion
The only people who tell CFers they'll change their minds are either barren wanna-breeders who are bitter that they have no choice or actual breeders who had kids and regret doing so. Other childfree people don't bingo one another, and the PNBs I've told I don't want kids always responded with "Good choice!" - not because they hate their kids, but because they know what a pain in the ass it is.

Oh, I think this is oh-so-true. The only people who've ever been really accepting of my CFness are other CFs and the handful of PNBs I know.

I was once talking about being CF to a breeder coworker, and I also mentioned my sister had her tubes tied in her mid-thirties. The cow assured me in a very condescending tone, "She'll be sorry." Sis is now in her late 60s. Obviously she has no regrets. But my coworker was dead certain (or maybe just hopeful) that she knew my sister, whom she'd never met, better than I-- or more importantly, better than my sister knows herself. The arrogance, the surety, is always amazing and never stops coming.