Helicopter breeders at university: it's not about you

Author takes breeders to the task for making their children's departure to college about themselves: "Stop whining empty nesters. Your child going to uni is not about you."

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For some years now, there’s been a strange generational blurring, where kids can’t even go to rock festivals without their parents shouting “cooee!” from the next yurt. It’s usually nice, parents being friends with their kids, but, occasionally, things whiff more than a little of parental narcissism, where everything that happens to their child becomes more about them, and how they’re feeling about it.

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It’s not all parents and in any case people are entitled to be emotional about their children leaving home. It’s a huge deal. But whose huge deal? Parents should be careful that this doesn’t turn into an unseemly hijacking of a moment that by rights belongs to the child. You hear about parents sobbing as they drop kids off – not exactly a positive start to the university experience. Other parents rather overdo helping children “settle in”, practically getting in professional decorators for their dorm-rooms, embarking on huge food shops (guilty, I did this), taking them out for lunch, then dinner… How to put this politely – parents, eff off. The time when new students arrive is hugely important – for them to mingle with their peers, not sit in Wagamama with you.

A university professor has commented on “needy” British students demanding feedback and pleading “special circumstances”, much more than the Mexican students he’s also taught. Some of this might relate to the exorbitant cost of university these days, but perhaps “needy” student culture extends to hyper-needy parents too, with Mum and Dad emerging as the true, perma-melting snowflakes.

Doesn't surprise me. Parents see their child's departure from home as the ultimate achievement for themselves - they put in all that hard work for years (read: taking advantage of everyone and everything they possibly can to do as little work as possible while still retaining bragging rights) and obviously the kid got into college because of the stellar parenting they received and the intelligence they inherited from Moo and Duh, so parents see kids going to college as some kind of trophy for them. Never mind that it's easy as shit to get into many colleges now, especially for-profit ones.

These are the parents who totally hijack their kids' college experience as much as possible: doting on them in their dorm rooms, calling professors to demand grades, sometimes going so far as to move to the same town/city the kid attends college or even enrolling in the same school themselves. Had a roommate like this in college too - nice girl, but her mother was a cunt and pretty much took over the dorm room every weekend for an entire semester and bitched at all of us for doing normal college shit while spooning with her daughter in her bed. I felt bad for the girl, honestly.

The kids of these assclowns usually suck too, demanding special treatment left and right from administrators, professors, RAs and being dickhole roommates to boot. Dear lord, parents used to celebrate when their brats got the fuck out of the house, and now apparently the kids finally leaving the nest is grounds for therapy. Not that it'll last forever because a decent chunk of those college kids will move right back home and probably never leave because, for some strange reason, their $90,000 philosophy degree isn't getting them a high-powered job and the minimum wage job they managed to secure with their education doesn't pay enough to cover student loans and rent.

Don't parents want freedom? Or is the Stockholm syndrome that strong that they can't remember what freedom feels like and lose their minds when they have no more kids to scream at?

Jeezus. When I started at the UA, my parents basically said "'Bye Honey! Enjoy college!"

(Yes, I went to school at a university in my home town. However, I moved out of my parents' house and into a dorm. My folks were glad to be empty nesters.)

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Cambion

These are the parents who totally hijack their kids' college experience as much as possible: doting on them in their dorm rooms, calling professors to demand grades, sometimes going so far as to move to the same town/city the kid attends college or even enrolling in the same school themselves. Had a roommate like this in college too - nice girl, but her mother was a cunt and pretty much took over the dorm room every weekend for an entire semester and bitched at all of us for doing normal college shit while spooning with her daughter in her bed. I felt bad for the girl, honestly.

I worked in the Residence Life department of a major university for 18 years, and the stories I could tell about helicopter parents. Like the woman who traveled 800 miles every 2 weeks so she could show up at the dorm and cut her daughter's toenails.

Yes, really.

When my sister was still at home after graduating high school and was 19 and not interested in college, my father invited the Navy recruiter over for lunch.

I never left for University or College, but when I moved out, the first thing my mother did was give her notice and move into a one bedroom apartment. She was glad that I was gone.

That article articulated quite well what I haven't been able to for years: some parents are obliterating the lines between their child's thoughts, feelings, etc and their own. Not healthy.

I am youngest of 3, and while my parents were a little emotional about me leaving for college (just for maybe a few minutes when dropping me off at my dorm), they went back to their OWN FUCKING LIVES and moved on. I was expected to get decent grades and figure out a career, but that was about it. I'd call them regularly, and they were always happy to chat on the phone. But now that I think about it, I tended to call them much more often than vice versa.

While I was in college they remodeled the house, put a hot tub in the backyard, went on trips, etc. and generally had a decent empty nest life.

My parents generally encouraged us to be independent. We played outside, rode our bikes around town, walked/biked to school, and then in the summer went on trips with aunts/uncles, went to summer camp, etc.

So glad I grew up in an era where this type of life was still acceptable.

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skyeyes
I worked in the Residence Life department of a major university for 18 years, and the stories I could tell about helicopter parents. Like the woman who traveled 800 miles every 2 weeks so she could show up at the dorm and cut her daughter's toenails.

Yes, really.

Not the least bit surprised. Breeders coddle their kids all their lives and then when the kids are off on their own, they can't deal with the slightest shred of independence and need Mommy (never Daddy, it seems) to come to school and do their laundry, cook their food, and pretty much do everything except change their diapers... which, given the rise in adults with diaper fetishes in the last few years, might change soon.

The girl I mentioned with the dingleberry Moo, her mother would drive about 12 hours one way to spend the weekend with her daughter because the kid was homesick and she'd stay in our dorm room and sleep in the same twin bed as her daughter. Fine, whatever, some people have closer relationships with their parents than others. I just hated that this bitch would give the rest of us hell in our own room for keeping her awake. Mind you, she'd go to bed at around 9pm. You tell me how many college kids you know that go to bed or stay quiet at 9pm on Friday and Saturday night. I was pretty quiet, but she claimed that my typing at 3am interrupted her beauty sleep. I don't know why she didn't just get a hotel room and take her kid with her to get her out of the room for a bit.

Thankfully, this girl switched rooms. Not because she wanted to, but because her mother didn't like us and told her kid she had to switch rooms. None of us were heartbroken.

But aren't breeders supposed to be happier once they are empty nesters, or is that only the moderately sane ones? Reading about the toenails and the shared bed just makes me wonder how those breeders think their kids are going to function as adults. Do they think that they are ensured of immortality because their children are still going to need to be tucked in at 70?

I really don't get why you would emotionally cripple a person you claim to love, and teach them none of the skills they will need for a successful life.

I was never 'completely independent' until after my parent's death when I was in my 40s, but I wasn't a normal kid. I was a little autistic sped who in late teens developed schizophrenia & bipolar disorder. Still, my mother would have never cut my toenails. That makes me cringe. My parents definitely had hobbies that were separate from mine. My parents liked to collect anything they could lay hands on.

One reason why the helicopters of today makes me barf is because my parents were of the Silent Generation. They had no compunction about turning a kid loose in the neighborhood until the lights came on in the evenings, and expecting age appropriate behavior from kids. My father (not stepfather) refused even to buy me coloring books; saying that I should draw my own pictures to color.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

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yurble
But aren't breeders supposed to be happier once they are empty nesters, or is that only the moderately sane ones? Reading about the toenails and the shared bed just makes me wonder how those breeders think their kids are going to function as adults. Do they think that they are ensured of immortality because their children are still going to need to be tucked in at 70?

I really don't get why you would emotionally cripple a person you claim to love, and teach them none of the skills they will need for a successful life.

I think it only applies to PNBs. Breeders, on the other hand, will gladly keep their children dependent for as long as possible so they don't have to "retire" from parenthood and can feel needed forever. They don't give a fuck if those children will be completely helpless in adulthood without Mommy around to wipe their noses and cook their meals. They want to infantilize their kids for as long as possible so they never have to feel obsolete. Doesn't matter what happens after they die because they'll be dead and won't have to care, meanwhile the offspring they leave behind will be 50-somethings that don't know how to wash a dish or use a stove.

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Cambion

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skyeyes
I worked in the Residence Life department of a major university for 18 years, and the stories I could tell about helicopter parents. Like the woman who traveled 800 miles every 2 weeks so she could show up at the dorm and cut her daughter's toenails.

Yes, really.

Not the least bit surprised. Breeders coddle their kids all their lives and then when the kids are off on their own, they can't deal with the slightest shred of independence and need Mommy (never Daddy, it seems) to come to school and do their laundry, cook their food, and pretty much do everything except change their diapers... which, given the rise in adults with diaper fetishes in the last few years, might change soon.

The girl I mentioned with the dingleberry Moo, her mother would drive about 12 hours one way to spend the weekend with her daughter because the kid was homesick and she'd stay in our dorm room and sleep in the same twin bed as her daughter. Fine, whatever, some people have closer relationships with their parents than others. I just hated that this bitch would give the rest of us hell in our own room for keeping her awake. Mind you, she'd go to bed at around 9pm. You tell me how many college kids you know that go to bed or stay quiet at 9pm on Friday and Saturday night. I was pretty quiet, but she claimed that my typing at 3am interrupted her beauty sleep. I don't know why she didn't just get a hotel room and take her kid with her to get her out of the room for a bit.

Thankfully, this girl switched rooms. Not because she wanted to, but because her mother didn't like us and told her kid she had to switch rooms. None of us were heartbroken.

Didn't the girl want to have fun on the weekends instead of hang w/ her sleeping moo at 9p?

Did she cut her nails front of everyone? Wasn't the girl embarassed? what did her new roommates think of her and her moo?

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Cambion

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yurble
But aren't breeders supposed to be happier once they are empty nesters, or is that only the moderately sane ones? Reading about the toenails and the shared bed just makes me wonder how those breeders think their kids are going to function as adults. Do they think that they are ensured of immortality because their children are still going to need to be tucked in at 70?

I really don't get why you would emotionally cripple a person you claim to love, and teach them none of the skills they will need for a successful life.

I think it only applies to PNBs. Breeders, on the other hand, will gladly keep their children dependent for as long as possible so they don't have to "retire" from parenthood and can feel needed forever. They don't give a fuck if those children will be completely helpless in adulthood without Mommy around to wipe their noses and cook their meals. They want to infantilize their kids for as long as possible so they never have to feel obsolete. Doesn't matter what happens after they die because they'll be dead and won't have to care, meanwhile the offspring they leave behind will be 50-somethings that don't know how to wash a dish or use a stove.

I was for a long time an adult with a lot of hidden disabilities, and now that I think back on it I am sure that my mother was probably looked at as a helicopter parent. She wasn't, I just took a hell of a long time to raise into independence and still have problems due to disability. I eventually learned how to live on my own, finally, right when my mother's health began to fade. She died January 2012.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

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craftyzits
I was for a long time an adult with a lot of hidden disabilities, and now that I think back on it I am sure that my mother was probably looked at as a helicopter parent. She wasn't, I just took a hell of a long time to raise into independence and still have problems due to disability. I eventually learned how to live on my own, finally, right when my mother's health began to fade. She died January 2012.

I am sure there are cases like yours...but I think 99% of the time, it's breeders being helicopters. I've met some people who were raised like that, and they weren't disabled in any way, but still had no clue how to adult. Like not knowing how to do their laundry, and instead taking it to mom on the weekends, not knowing the basics of cleaning (like the vacuum cleaners fill up), etc.

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yurble

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craftyzits
I was for a long time an adult with a lot of hidden disabilities, and now that I think back on it I am sure that my mother was probably looked at as a helicopter parent. She wasn't, I just took a hell of a long time to raise into independence and still have problems due to disability. I eventually learned how to live on my own, finally, right when my mother's health began to fade. She died January 2012.

I am sure there are cases like yours...but I think 99% of the time, it's breeders being helicopters. I've met some people who were raised like that, and they weren't disabled in any way, but still had no clue how to adult. Like not knowing how to do their laundry, and instead taking it to mom on the weekends, not knowing the basics of cleaning (like the vacuum cleaners fill up), etc.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!