Autard sister Xmas fail

Many on here know about my aggressive/severely autistic sister and the stellar parenting I grew up with as a result (sarcasm).

My parents have her sleep over only twice a year due to this (Xmas and her birthday) she lives in a group home. My parents dont have aided to help because my sister will get mad if her aides are in the house (in her mind they're supposed to be in the group home, not my parents home) likewise we can't visit her group home because we aren't "supposed" to be there, her aides drive her to my parents house in Xmas.

I am getting a new bigger apartment in December, my parents house Xmas every year (immediate family only). I wanted to host my first Xmas I had never done it before, and of course included my sister (I can't host her AND parents/other sister overnight due to spacing issues) but her group home is only 20 min from me while it's over 90 min from my parents, so it would be much easier for her group home aides to come pick her up at the end of the day.

My mother declined the invitation because if we deviate from my sisters routine she'll "lose it," my mom says "she expects Xmas just as it's always been and I won't be able to control her at your apartment." So it has to be at THEIR house.

I am very hurt by this, it's not like I'm excluding my disabled sister I welcomed her with open arms. Plus I thought it would've given my mom a break from cooking.

I know y'all' probably won't be surprised by this (those of you who have read my experiences before), but it doesn't make the sting any less. I completely include her and it's still not good enough. It really triggers me from past bad memories of having to abide by my sister's absurd rules.

See previous thread.

I can only give you the advice I gave you in the previous thread. (Note: I put a lot of personal information about myself in the thread to show I could relate to growing up with people who did not protect me from harm. I since have removed this information because: 1. I really don't want my personal information out there, and 2. it appears you are not reading it anyway.

These people abused you and failed to protect you from harm.

Everyone would like to grow up in a happy and functional family, but you did not get that. Your expectations and your desire to please them are allowing them to disappoint and hurt you again. You are an adult and you now have the power to make them stop hurting you, and you should, if you care about yourself.

You can really stop this if you want. It's really not hard to block people. Block their phone numbers and other electronic access. Stop taking money and gifts from them. Write "delivery refused" on anything they send you. Put down a boundary that you can always modify if their behavior changes or they start to acknowledge you as a human being. (Note: It's very unlikely they will change, as I wrote earlier, because they fancy themselves to be "wonderful parunts." )

By continuing to want "justice" that you will not get, you are allowing them to hurt you and affect your life now.

Don Henley said it best: "So many times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key."

I hope you enjoy Christmas in your new apartment with people who truly care about you. or even alone. Better to be alone than to wish you were alone because the company sucks so bad.

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bell_flower
See previous thread.

I can only give you the advice I gave you in the previous thread. (Note: I put a lot of personal information about myself in the thread to show I could relate to growing up with people who did not protect me from harm. I since have removed this information because: 1. I really don't want my personal information out there, and 2. it appears you are not reading it anyway.

These people abused you and failed to protect you from harm.

Everyone would like to grow up in a happy and functional family, but you did not get that. Your expectations and your desire to please them are allowing them to disappoint and hurt you again. You are an adult and you now have the power to make them stop hurting you, and you should, if you care about yourself.

You can really stop this if you want. It's really not hard to block people. Block their phone numbers and other electronic access. Stop taking money and gifts from them. Write "delivery refused" on anything they send you. Put down a boundary that you can always modify if their behavior changes or they start to acknowledge you as a human being. (Note: It's very unlikely they will change, as I wrote earlier, because they fancy themselves to be "wonderful parunts." )

By continuing to want "justice" that you will not get, you are allowing them to hurt you and affect your life now.

Don Henley said it best: "So many times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key."

I hope you enjoy Christmas in your new apartment with people who truly care about you. or even alone. Better to be alone than to wish you were alone because the company sucks so bad.

Thank you, FYI I read everything you wrote, I just made a dumb decision in trying to extend this olive branch that I now regret, and have not yet developed the courage to severe ties, I know I know :bedmadelie

you don't have to have a wildly dysfunctional family for these Xmas things to devastate you! I used to THINK my family was awful until I had more experience and saw a lot of the really bad ones. But after my Dad died and my sister married and had the Sacred Grandchild, THEY suddenly decided. of course, that they would NOT come to my Mom's house for our childhood ritual sleep over, followed by somewhat augmented "surprises" on the morn. I was in my 30s, mind you, and somewhat of a rebel against conventions. But I found myself DEVASTATED that THEY could put an end to this tradition!
Eventually I made my own party on New Years Day--a sort of extended brunch/open house. It turned out to be wonderful and MUCH more satisfying--I was able to invite all sorts of my "unacceptable" friends and neighbors. and since there was a flow of people, no one could really ruffle many feathers. PLUS, I was In Control. If your sister only comes out twice a year, you will be relieved of that choice!

Ladybug, this time they might have done you a big favor. Actually, I could easily imagine your sister acting out and getting violent at your place for the holiday. You're probably better off not having her there. Who knows whom she could hurt or what she could damage during a meltdown.

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kman
Ladybug, this time they might have done you a big favor. Actually, I could easily imagine your sister acting out and getting violent at your place for the holiday. You're probably better off not having her there. Who knows whom she could hurt or what she could damage during a meltdown.

When she visits my parents (she actually does several day trip visits to them per year, and only does sleep overs twice a year xmas and birthday) my parents are 90 min from group home where I'm only about 20 min away, when she goes to my parents aides stay near by (but not at house) incase she gets out of control then they come get her. So hypothetically if my parents were to accept the invitation the aides would quickly come get her should shit hit the fan (though I understand bodily or property damage only takes a second)

It's just depressing bullshit that as long as she's on this earth I'll never get to host a family Xmas, she will make all the rules and call all the shots. It's not something I wanted to do regularly, it's just that I recently got a dream apartment (rent prices have dropped big time from covid) and since I'm moving in in December wanted to show off my new place for the holidays.

I naively thought being an adult and living on my own would mean not having to abide by her bizarre and absurd rules anymore

I'm not currently partnered (but I am open to marriage or cohabitation with the right person), my youngest non autistic sister currently has a long term boyfriend but she does want marriage and children someday. While my mother doesn't push it, I know she'd love for us to get married and have grandbrats (she knows they won't come from me though), I'm tempted to ask her how is she gonna work this with my sister? Her royal Highness rules mandate no unfamiliar people in the house, so spouses and kids would be a no no, because in my mother's words "she expects Xmas just as it's always been" if one or both of us gets married she essentially loses us for the holidays. I don't know about my sister but I do know I would not go to any holiday gathering where my spouse/partner wasn't welcome.

As someone who came from a dysfunctional family, I have some bits of advice for you.

It was a gradual process from my teen years to my mid-thirties to open my eyes to the past, current and likely future realities in dealing with my dysfunctional relatives.
My life was "death by a thousand cuts" of the things that my family did to me and would continue to do.

After many attempts, over years, to have reasonable expectations and behaviour from them, the most freeing moment I had was when I had given up any hope of decent and reasonable behaviour from them.
It was an acknowledgement that they were so entrenched in dysfunction that I was hurting myself by continuing to hope for decency and staying in contact with them.
It felt like an incredible burden was lifted from my shoulders.

From that moment onwards, I could build my life with invited people who were either neutral or supportive "family -by-choice".

That decision remains one of the best decisions that I have made in my entire life.

I am sorry ladybug, but you seem to need this type of rejection and nastiness to function.
You sad as long as she's there you'll never get to host....
I really think you should talk to someone because ALL of these people have tossed out and ripped up any family card. This is just a dream you cling to because it gives you a false hope of what will never be. What if she dies? You think they are going to come over when you host and be the happy family that wasn't? It will just end up being another disappointment.
The way you talk is you refuse to let this go. You need it to function. Right now it is status quo. I don't even know why they have that creature over. She can just stay at the group home, period. No skin off of anyones teeth.
It is only when you extricate and distance yourself from crazy you can finally begin to see it for what it is and start to heal. You have to give this up.
All I can say is good luck. by your own admission you will not let it go so nothing will change.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

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twocents
I am sorry ladybug, but you seem to need this type of rejection and nastiness to function.
You sad as long as she's there you'll never get to host....
I really think you should talk to someone because ALL of these people have tossed out and ripped up any family card. This is just a dream you cling to because it gives you a false hope of what will never be. What if she dies? You think they are going to come over when you host and be the happy family that wasn't? It will just end up being another disappointment.
The way you talk is you refuse to let this go. You need it to function. Right now it is status quo. I don't even know why they have that creature over. She can just stay at the group home, period. No skin off of anyones teeth.
It is only when you extricate and distance yourself from crazy you can finally begin to see it for what it is and start to heal. You have to give this up.
All I can say is good luck. by your own admission you will not let it go so nothing will change.

Hey man I get it, I totally do you're 100% right. Though it may not seem like it from my posts, I have greatly scaled back on seeing my family. Years ago I'd see them every month, sometimes twice. Nowadays it's only a few times a year. I know it's not enough and I'm not expecting a trophy of any kind, for me it's just a process, much like leaving an abusive relationship, easier said than done. When I said "Ill never get to host a family Xmas" I think that is a step in the right direction, because that is realization that they will NEVER change, someone who was in denial would say "oh they'll change their minds some day" I know their head is so far up my sister's ass that it'll never happen, but I think I'm allowed to grieve it for the time being as I come to terms with the reality. For those who can be cured of toxic people overnight that's great I'm happy for you, I'm not the type who can be "cured" overnight. I've already made great strides in cutting back, I know it's not enough but it's still a process for me.

excellent. you are going in the right direction. examine your feelings. aside from sadness about not having a 'normal' family, I find being away from this ... peaceful. I left leaving a batshit moo. I did not speak to her for over a decade even though we did write on occasion. One can...edit.. a little easier. and she did calm down later life.

eventually it will resolve itself. Just do NOT allow yourself to be saddled with your sister. Sister is in a home, do NOT ever ever ever take on any care for her. the powers that be might try and trick so be careful.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.