Deck the halls with lots of guilt trips

I've made it no secret on here that I have an autistic sister, and the holiday guilt trip courtesy of mother has begun. I told her I will come over on xmas morning and spend a few hours with them then leave (they live about an hour away from me.)

My mom wants me to stay over for atleast one night but preferably for the duration that my 22 year old autistic sister will be there (fri-mon), and help her out, because she and dad are getting older and are having a hard time caring for her anymore (wheres the gun thats pointed at their heads?!). I've explained to my mom that I'm simply not strong enough to restrain her (im little, just under 5'3 115 lbs), but my mom kindly suggested I do other various chores such as dishes etc. Now don't get me wrong if I'm over someones house as a guest I'm happy to help out a little, but spending my holiday cleaning up after an autard, then possibly getting beat up and being told its my fault for breathing too loudly? no thanks! And damn the messes she makes, I can be a bit messy myself but the way she does it I couldn't be that filthy even if I tried!

For those who don't know, my sister is severely autistic along with mental retardation, classified as the non verbal type (she can sorta talk but makes unintelligible speech that only we can understand), basically she's a giant toddler (about 5'1 185 lbs), and pint sized toddlers are bad enough! Shes aggressive (hits, scratches, spits, bites you name it), gets into things, needs assistance with bathing. we basically can't go anywhere for xmas b/c of her, I've grown to dislike xmas very much and am trying to like it again by limiting my contact with her.

Another good one is my mom said it maybe good social work practice (im going to grad school for social work) oreally mom, I had no idea getting bitten was in the job description of a social worker, thanks for the heads up!

The whole holiday revolves around her autism and I'm sick of it! I think it'd be better to go visit her in her place for a bit then leave but my parents won't listen, they only care about her xmas and want me and my 18 yr old sis to slave away to her.


Next guilt trip I get about this, I'll just simply say "watcha talking about willis?!"

Please understand that I say this with all kindness and the best of intentions. LET GO OF THE GUILT!!! Your mother has no control over your feelings unless you let her. This is your holiday too. You have a lot to celebrate and I hope you do that. The best advice I can give you is to turn off your cell phone. Before I cut my mother off completely, I would limit my calls with her. She got ten minutes to bich at me and that was it. If she started in on me I hung up immediately. I wish you the best this holiday season and hope that yours is at least a bit more peaceful than you plan.


P.S. You're doing the right thing by limiting the time you spend with your family and your sister's drama.

I'd stick to the original plan (if that's what you want). If they continue to bitch, scrap going over there completely.

They've shown little concern about you or your other sister's welfare... it's all about autistic sister. You two have to look out for yourselves. Screw making their lives easier by putting up with that shit. Fuck 'em!

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gwdzee
I'd stick to the original plan (if that's what you want). If they continue to bitch, scrap going over there completely.

They've shown little concern about you or your other sister's welfare... it's all about autistic sister. You two have to look out for yourselves. Screw making their lives easier by putting up with that shit. Fuck 'em!

I can stay away, but they've done a masterful brainwashing job on my sister. She's a good little slave. She does alot for my sis (bathes her, helps dress her etc) and she was thrown against the wall by my autistic sister when she was only about 4 or so (I don't think she remembers but I do as if it was yesterday), yet she treats me like crap. She always overheard my parents tell me how selfish I am when we were growing up(my parents are the only one in this free world who think I'm selfish, growing up and even nowadays I get nothing but glowing reviews from others on how generous and helpful I am) and when I stand up to them about these injustices I'm called a drama queen, so my youngest sis has these notions of me ingrained into her head and was never nice to me as a result.

Like I said my parents did an excellent brain washing job on her. (that I'm selfish and evil, and my autistic sister who could've killed her is the greatest thing since sliced bread), when she was a little kid she'd repeat my parents phrases like a robot, she saw me being treated as a second class citizen and thought thats how it supposed to be so she's mimicked my parents behavior and never outgrew it


And they want a grandchild out of me........ NOPE!

Parents are notorious for being resentful of the healthy, adult (or teen) children not putting in exactly as much effort as they. Some think they're entitled to have the siblings take over care of profoundly disabled children. It's almost like they can't stand the thought that they are stuck with the care and their other adult children get to just live their lives. It is immature, completely assholish, and unwarranted.

That you're even being guilt-tripped is abusive. You've expressed your desire. You do not have a sentence as you didn't sprog your sister. We make our choices, we live with them.

Like the above poster says, stick with your initial offer and get going soon after. Remember that guilt is an emotion instilled in us early to control us later. It is your choice.

Get a few drinks when you get home to numb yourself if you have to. But don't set the precedence that you will be replacement caregiver of your sister for your aging parents. Before you know it, that powerful guilt will make you a caregiver for all 3.

Wow, she joins in the guilt tripping, too? Well, fuck her as well. Let her be little miss martyr.

We CFers are the selfish ones?! We aren't the ones who have more kids to take care of the retarded ones! Disgusting!

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gwdzee
Wow, she joins in the guilt tripping, too? Well, fuck her as well. Let her be little miss martyr.

We CFers are the selfish ones?! We aren't the ones who have more kids to take care of the retarded ones! Disgusting!

They didnt call me selfish for being CF (yet) but I grew up being called selfish and dramatic for not wanting to deal with my sister with a big fat smile on my face.

Just because they're your sisters, it doesn't mean you have to like either of them.
Just because the autistic sister is related to you, it doesn't mean you have to help her.

Just because your parents and sister think the autistic brat is the most important thing in the universe, doesn't mean that you should have to put up with her bullshit. While you've said that you're going to stay for one day, personally I would get the hell out of there the second she starts getting violent. Your parents and sister might not mind getting the shit kicked out of them by her, but that doesn't mean you have to endure it as well.

Your family is very dysfunctional.
The more time you spend away from them, the healthier you will be.

It would be very useful if you learned about dysfunctional family dynamics.
It would explain a lot about their behaviour and your role.

Also it might be useful to know that your role in a dysfunctional family plays a large part in your decision to do social work as a career.

I say just tell them that something important came up and skip out. If you do go, have someone call at a certain time with an "emergency" and skip out then shut off your phone so your "parents" can't call and harass you.

Is your sister Viole(n)tYoshi?

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

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Miss_Hannigan
Is your sister Viole(n)tYoshi?

bahahaha no, my sister doesn't even have the mental capacity to write a computer blog. all she can do is point to pictures of things she wants. like i said...giant toddler.

Ladybug2203, do you think it's absolutely necessary to visit that whole self-centered and dysfunctional brood? They have no respect for you and your life. What's the point of a Christmas visit? Cut them out. Move on. Live your life.

The more contact you maintain, the more they'll try to guilt you into caring for your autistic sister. They probably have fantasies that you'll completely take over her care anyway. Repeat: Cut them out. Move on. Live your life.

Any chance of arranging other plans - not to use as an excuse, but to demonstrate to your parents that you aren't going to arrange your life around them, your disabled sister, and the bitchy one? Sure you are going into social work, but that doesn't mean making it your 24 hour life by also looking after your sister. That's a damned good way to burn out even faster in a field that is known for crash and burns. You are going to need a way to decompress, meaning you are not obligated to ruin your joy in the season by letting them associate it 100% with your sister.

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kman
Ladybug2203, do you think it's absolutely necessary to visit that whole self-centered and dysfunctional brood? They have no respect for you and your life. What's the point of a Christmas visit? Cut them out. Move on. Live your life.

The more contact you maintain, the more they'll try to guilt you into caring for your autistic sister. They probably have fantasies that you'll completely take over her care anyway. Repeat: Cut them out. Move on. Live your life.

I agree. You are responsible for your own happiness, and from what you've written, spending time with these people does not seem to make you happy.

And didn't you say you're recovering from an eating disorder partially caused by this family? Why jump into a situation that will do nothing but trigger you?

If you get a guilt trip between now and Christmas, just say, "Fine, I just won't come over at all," and stick to it. Ignore incoming phone calls or keep them short (no more than ten minutes). It's probably time to start weeding these people out of your life.

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ladybug2203
no, my sister doesn't even have the mental capacity to write a computer blog. all she can do is point to pictures of things she wants. like i said...giant toddler.

I've just had a flashback of an old episode of 'Just Shoot Me' ( if it was shown several years ago here, it would have been shown even longer ago in America). One of the main characters had a brother who acted 'slow' but they found out there was nothing wrong with him, he just faked it so his parents & others did everything for him as he was lazy.

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paragon schnitzophonic
And didn't you say you're recovering from an eating disorder partially caused by this family? Why jump into a situation that will do nothing but trigger you?

If you get a guilt trip between now and Christmas, just say, "Fine, I just won't come over at all," and stick to it. Ignore incoming phone calls or keep them short (no more than ten minutes). It's probably time to start weeding these people out of your life.

yah I did say that, and I'm pretty sure its caused by all this b/c growing up I felt unimportant and concluded that if I got thin that maybe I'd be important. I also learned that to get your parents attention you have to have a problem.

When I was young I used food to comfort me and thus became a binger, and as a result I got fat and I was bullied relentlessly by classmates.

Then several years later my binge eating disorder turned into bulimia (the binging is still there except you use compensentory behaviors such as vomiting, laxitive abuse, excessive exercise or fasting to prevent weight gain) if that makes sense.

So really it was a combination of my home and school life I think.

Once you finish your grad program and begin work use this to your advantage. Learn this phrase: "I can't come home for the holiday I'm on call at work." Heck take the call - it's extra cash.

I haven't been home in years for major holidays, either working or doing volunteer work (Ambulance). It's darn hard to guilt trip you about that (especially if the family is religious) if you are helping people. When you are in position move far away. An hour is to close. Been there.

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

This sounds like a toxic famblee situation, especially after what you just said about the eating disorders.
I'd look into cutting off that particular busted leg of your life millipede and moving on.
Better to have one less leg and be able to move painlessly (albeit a little slower), than be stuck with the broken one and be hurting all the time.
And with time, after moving without the leg, you realize you were better off without it and be back to normal pace.
I hope that makes sense.

“I don’t have pet peeves, I have major, psychotic fucking hatreds.”
— George Carlin

If you can't cut your famblee out completely, you should consider the least contact possible. I still have some contact with a couple of my old-timer famblee members - my aunt and uncle who I see maybe, once per year...and my half-sister who I talk to on the phone all of 2x per year.

One reason Xmas sucks for so many people is because of the whole famblee guilt-trip about visiting and being pulled back into toxic problems. You have to care for number one, which is yourself.

It is difficult to cut the famblee out, but sometimes it's necessary for a person's mental stability. Since I've done it, my mental wellness has improved by a hundred percent. I used to have all kinds of anxiety issues, esp. around my moo and other half-sister. Now that I don't have to deal with them anymore, my life has gotten much better.

I never had to deal with an autistic sibling, but the man who molested me is still an active member of my famblee clan - I had to see him practically every time there was a function. Finally, I put my foot down and said no more. After I did that, they decided to "choose" him over me anyway.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Toxic famblees are the worst - we can't choose our parents or siblings, but our life partners and friends we can! I hope you find your happiness this Holiday Season and spend it the way you wish.

I agree with many of the other comments that you should NOT stay the entire weekend. If you go at all, I'd just stay a few hours and get the hell out of dodge. Make up a reason if you have to, but simply don't stay the weekend.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

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kidlesskim
I agree with many of the other comments that you should NOT stay the entire weekend. If you go at all, I'd just stay a few hours and get the hell out of dodge. Make up a reason if you have to, but simply don't stay the weekend.

I wasn't going to stay the entire weekend, just a few hours on xmas day my mom was trying to guilt me into additional time.

And right now I can't move unfortunately b/c I'm in grad school, I know an hour away is not far enough lol. But the good news is I graduate in the spring

But yeah when my mom used the its good practice for my career line, I told her I had 22 years of practice I think thats sufficient enough (I'm 24 and my sister is 22).

You don't have to do anything to do with your family at all.

I haven't visited my own family in a few years because I was treated like a kid while I was there. =P