My Childfree Rules

Update: Full list on my blog

I was bored at work, so I started writing random lists. Eventually, I wrote a list of personal rules to do with being childfree. I'm hoping to turn it into a post on my blog at a later time. For now, I thought I'd share what I have so far here. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Edit: I originally wrote this on my iphone, so there are some awkward auto-correct mistakes. I think I've fixed most of them...

About Being Childfree

1. I am happily childfree and I won’t pretend otherwise just to make others more comfortable. I won’t necessarily offer up information, but if asked will openly and clearly state that I am never having children, rather than allowing anyone to believe that I might.
2. I won’t try to appease anybody by pretending that children are a possibility. I won’t use phrases like, “maybe someday,” “I’m not ready yet,” or “if I change my mind.” I will not allow anyone to have any impression that I am in anyway unsure about having children, or that not having children was a difficult deicion to make.
3. I won’t entertain thoughts that there is even the slimmest chance that I’ll one day change my mind. “You’ll change your mind,” or “you’ll regret not having kids” are bingos that have zero credibility with me.
4. I have many reasons for choosing to be childfree, but I don’t owe anybody a single one. That I simply do not want children is all the explanation anyone needs.
5. I won’t use "I'm sterile." as a means of making people feel awkward and shut about me not having kids. I am sterile, and I’m quite happy about it. I don’t want something I’m so proud of to bee seen as something negative.
6. I will not use self-depreciating language to compliment parents to make them more comfortable with my choice. I won’t say things like “I’m not cut out to be a mom,” “I couldn’t handle it,” or “I’m too selfish.” None of those are even true anyway.
7. I won’t let anybody try to guilt me into thinking that I should have kids for the sake of another person. Anyone who wants kids can have them, just not through me.
8. I won’t act as if being childfree is something I should have to make up for by involving children in my life in other ways, or by making frequent public proclamations that I love children.
9. I will never say, “I love children, but…”
10. I will not offer my career as an excuse for being childfree. Although my carreer goals are likely incompatible with children, even if I lived out my days as a slacker, I would still not want kids. I do not need to have a conflicting interest.
11. I will not be silent about being childfree, as the childfree life is not a simple absense of children, but a completely different lifestyle from that of a parent. It is, therefore, a completely valid topic of discussion if I so choose.
12. I will not pretend to find anything about parenting to be even remotely appealing to me as it simply isn’t.
13. I will not make any concessions for the sake of "building bridges."

About My Personal Life

1. I will never enter or stay in a relationship with anyone who has or ever wants kids. We would simply be incompatible.
2. I won’t agree to babysit anyone who isn’t potty trained. I have never changed a diaper and I never will.
3. I won’t agree to babysit anyone who I’m not allowed to discipline effectively.
4. I won’t pretend that anything else that I do with my life is “channeling my maternal instincts/ need to nurture.” it’s simply called having a life.
5. I will not child-proof my home. Guests with children will be expected to supervise and control their kids at all times.
6. I will not allow uninvited children into my home.
7. I won’t accept people claiming that my dog is a substitute for a child. She’s a dog. I prefer dogs.
8. I will immediately have an abortion in the unlikely event of pregnancy. I will do so without hesitation, doubt, shame, or the consideration of anyone else’s opinion.
9. I won’t allow others to tell me that I shouldn’t get wherever home I want with any number of rooms. I will not pretend that rooms used for purposes other than child’s bedroom aren’t still full and used.
10. I won’t allow anyone to breast feed on my property except in private in a closed room.
11. I won’t allow anyone to change a diaper in my home anywhere but in private in a closed room and on a towel (their own) on the floor (NOT on a bed, table, or counter.)
12. I won’t allow soiled diapers to be disposed of in any receptive on my property. It must be disposed of immediately in a dumpster.
13. I will not answer any questions as to whether or not I’ve ever had an abortion (although I may disclose such information on my own.) Just as no one is entitled to control my uterus, no one is entitled to ask about it.

About Parenting Cliches

1. I won’t pretend that motherhood is the pinnacle of womanhood, or fatherhood for manhood, or parenthood for adulthood.
2. I will not ignore overpopulation or avoid speaking about it for the sake of the comfort of parents. Nor will I pretend that overpopulation is a local problem (the fault of other nations) rather than a global one (the fault of everyone.)
3. I will not consider parenthood a job in any way, let anyone the hardest or most important. It is none of those. Stay-at-home-mom/dad least of all.
4. I won’t pretend it’s ok for people who know they can’t afford kids to have them anyway and then, through abuse of the system meant to help people with actual need, have their irresponsible and selfish actions subsidized by the taxes of their neighbors.
5. I will not pretend that a family without kids is any less of a family.
6. I won’t pretend that a fetus is a baby, no matter what the situation.
7. I won’t pretend that all people who have produced children deserve the title of parent.
8. I might read an interesting blog written by a mother, but I won't read any "mommy blogs."

About Kids And Parents

1. I won’t be baby- stalked. Any child trying to get my attention on its own or any child being used by a parent to get attention will be ignored entirely.
2. I won’t pretend to like or be at all interested in every child I see.
3. I won’t act as if everyone is required to like every single person below a certain age. I neither like nor dislike kids in general, but I won’t pretend that disliking being around children is unacceptable as long as no harm is done.
4. I won’t let anyone talk to me about poop or any other gross, mundane baby thing.
5. I will not defer special treatment to parents or children just for being parents or children.
6. I will not pretend that it’s acceptable to bring children everywhere and at every time.
7. I won’t pretend it’s acceptable to breast feed everywhere.
8. I won’t accept “kids will be kids” as a valid excuse for parents to fail to patent (verb.)
9. I won’t pretend that excessive noise is any more acceptable from children than from adults.
10. I won’t pretend that child misbehavior is cute in any way. Failure to parent is not cute.
11. I won’t congratulate anyone on becoming pregnant or giving birth. There is nothing about that that warrants praise. I will congratulate people on adopting, however.
12. I won’t pretend to be interested in touching anyone’s bump, viewing ultrasound images, or holding a baby.
13. I will not be silent about bad parenting. I will not accept the fact that I do not have children as invalidation of my pointing out of bad parenting.
14. I will not accept baby shower registries. If I chose to give a gift, it will be items one needs in bulk like diapers and condoms. Unless I manage to find something second-hand for cheap, I will not buy expensive necessities like cribs or luxury items like changing tables as those are the parents’ responsibility to obtain well before a baby shower would likely take place.

Bravo! I agree with every item. This should be our manifesto. I can't think of anything to add right off the bat, but I'll mull it over.

THIS. ALL OF THIS. I was writing something similar to use as a secret weapon for when I will seek sterilization. This is inspiring!

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michaela

"A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter." -Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal

AWESOME!!! AWESOME!!!!

:yr:yr

May I use this?

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toomanybrats
AWESOME!!! AWESOME!!!!

:yr:yr

May I use this?

Of course.

I added a few
I might read an interesting blog written by a mother, but I won't read any "mommy blogs."
I will not make any concessions for the sake of "building bridges."

One of the greatest things I've ever read!

Check these out too, if you like. Written in 2003 by "Hatter" (who may be dyslexic; I don't know):

Attention Parents:

By Declaration of Law by the powers invested in Hatter you are now accorded these rights:

You are here granted the right to protect you child from workplace dangers and any damage to your carreer by not bringing them to the workplace

You are protected from endaging your carreer by children by being held to the standards and expectations of non child bearing employees and by not giving them a leg up by allowing them the only ones to work weekends and overtime, or to show up/leave on time

You are granted protection from distain of persons without children by paying equal taxes to them

You are given the right to be evicted from any public venue from bringing a guests that interupt others in that venue with poor impulse control and manners, thereby reminding you and them that such behavior is unacceptable, and preventing you and them embarrassment as well as being harrassed by others with similar problems in the future

You are granted the right to be prosecuted for endagerment, criminal negligence, or willful action resulting in the death of a child if it is your own, thereby giving others an example why someone should not do this, so that at least something can be salvaged from said tragedy.

You are granted the privilege to park in the same spots as everyone else is

You are granted the right have your stories of bodily functions of relatives to be reviled as trivial, boring, and/or disgusting as they actually are.

You are granted the right to censor your own childrens acess to media and not have the media censored by another parent

You have the right be responsible for your own childrens behavior and not be able to sue someone else for your own negligence

You have the right to acknolege that nobody else in the world thinks of your offspring as the center of the universe

You have a right to round your own corners and pad your own edges

You have the right to expect if you act like an asshole, you will treated as such without being discrimated against because you have children

Good, I hope you parents are all glad of your New special rights.

So Delclareth Hatter

Julie - that was awesome!! Kudos and standing ovation from me
:yr

Fantastic!

Childfree Bible

Julie, will you actually buy condoms for a baby shower? I would like to see the reaction!

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mr. neptune
Julie, will you actually buy condoms for a baby shower? I would like to see the reaction!

If I get solicited for a gift for my teen sister, condoms are surely what I'll send. I'd send a huge, wrapped box, too.

I don't think I can like this enough. I keep wanting to point out one that I particularly like and want to say "omg THIS!" to, but it's pretty much the whole list. I want to save this to my computer 'cause it's awesome. hankyou

Yes, yes and yes! Will be stealing this, maybe I shall print it out and hang it up like the "Desiridata"

Too late to edit:

12. I won’t allow soiled diapers to be disposed of in any recepticle on my property. It must be disposed of immediately in a dumpster.

Thanks to everyone who liked the list. I'm hoping to add more later and make a proper blog post.

--Forgive me if I choose not to chip in to the latest "pass the hat" for coworkers' weddings or babies. I noticed that no one passed the hat when my single coworker got his promotion a few months ago, or when I closed on my house last month. Both of these are pretty big milestones, too, but only babies are worthy of cash? Retirements are the exception to the rule. Retirement is a really big deal.

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

Julie, you are awesome. I've adopted most of these. Some others I will adopt when the final bits of my soul die from faking it to make it (which is unfortunately highly necessary, in some instances, which just absolutely kills me). I don't build bridges, but I don't want to burn any that might set me on fire, before I have enough time to get away. I've already said a lot about my CF status though, and I won't hide it, be ashamed of it, or let anyone try to make me feel ashamed of it.

You should post this on your office wall, lol. That would be a scream.

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fade_to_pale
Julie, you are awesome. I've adopted most of these. Some others I will adopt when the final bits of my soul die from faking it to make it (which is unfortunately highly necessary, in some instances, which just absolutely kills me). I don't build bridges, but I don't want to burn any that might set me on fire, before I have enough time to get away. I've already said a lot about my CF status though, and I won't hide it, be ashamed of it, or let anyone try to make me feel ashamed of it.

You should post this on your office wall, lol. That would be a scream.

I certainly would, had I an office.

I've thought of another one. I will not use babbling baby-talk. Ever. The closest I come is talking to my dog in cheerful voice, but doing so in English.

I do not want to hear about your brat unless if I ask specifically about it (which is very unlikely).

Great list. wink

Too bad #13 on the last list is something I sometimes can't adhere to - it can be career-limiting. But I pretty much go with the rest, except for the pet-related ones (since I don't have pets).

Be careful, I just wrote about how I kept dodging a kid that visited the house and she almost wiped out $2000 worth of heirloom china while I was running from room to room to get away from her. Poor kid was sneezing and dripping all sorts of awful things....I shoved a chair in front of the china but she was reaching for it when I walked back in the room and almost passed out....

Now it's time to make the rounds of the house with the Lysol I just bought.

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bluevelvet
Be careful, I just wrote about how I kept dodging a kid that visited the house and she almost wiped out $2000 worth of heirloom china while I was running from room to room to get away from her. Poor kid was sneezing and dripping all sorts of awful things....I shoved a chair in front of the china but she was reaching for it when I walked back in the room and almost passed out....

Now it's time to make the rounds of the house with the Lysol I just bought.

Why did you let her in? And why, if she had to be in, was she not being constantly held by the designated handler?

:yr

Thanks for a great list!

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10. I will not offer my career as an excuse for being childfree. Although my carreer goals are likely incompatible with children, even if I lived out my days as a slacker, I would still not want kids. I do not need to have a conflicting interest.

very true! wink somehow, people always thought I am childfree because I want to be driven ambitious career woman...but quite contrary, I would love slower paced life.
even if I end up in a stinky career I hate very much, or end up unemployed for a long period of time, kids are still not in the picture.

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I will not use self-depreciating language to compliment parents to make them more comfortable with my choice. I won’t say things like “I’m not cut out to be a mom,” “I couldn’t handle it,” or “I’m too selfish.” None of those are even true anyway.

also THIS! we're childfree because we're AWESOME, not because we're incapable of something!