Childfree classics that should be known by every one literate to the Childfree Culture.
These have been around for a while but dancing in the lambent light of discovery often post them and get unjustly flamed for it. So lets post those cultural icons and establish the definitive Childfree Archive
This Be the Verse By Philip Larkin
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.
_______________________________________________ "I fly because it releases my mind from the tyranny of petty things." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Mind if I add stuff from my earlier CF-related videos thread? Or can it be consolidated?
---------- michaela
"A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter." -Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal
Okay, then. Posted before, re-applied to this thread:
from thom_c:
from rubyredpop:
George Carlin: Goofy Boys' Names We miss you, George!
---------- michaela
"A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter." -Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal
Quote thom_c
Childfree classics that should be known by every one literate to the Childfree Culture.
Some classic quips by the regulars of ASCF:
An exchange between Gutterboy and Noelle on the differences between a cow's udder and the delectable, unmolested-by-sprog breasts of a CF woman:
Quote
Wrote Noelle:
>> I prefer to think of it as "blue-blooded alabaster bosom", thank you very much. > >Yes, that does sound so much better. > >Gutterboy, I believe you owe the blue-blooded and alabaster-bosomed among the CF women an apology...
Oh, Lord. A tempest in a C-cup.
Let me clarify.
I was not referring to a beautiful, aristocratic snowy-white bosom, peeking coyly from the top of an elegant lacework bodice in a wink of decolletage.
I WAS referring to a set of dugs sagging out of a T-shirt like mismatched sacks of potatoes, their surfaces covered with prolapsed varicose veins like subcutaneous worms, with a sticky-faced, vacant brat performing aureolaic fellatio on the attached lumpy nipple.
Are we friends again?
Gutterboy
(Gutterboy was celebrated for his eloquence )
Kim's encopresis post got me to looking for this Gutterboy Classic - an article to which he responds with comments in [ ]
Quote
From the Wall Street Journal, excerpted and annotated -- another exciting dispatch from the world of the frenzied work-life dance:
For millions of toddlers, August is crunch time.
Preschool starts in September, and because of strict no-diaper rules at many schools, toilet training must end.
In Overland Park, Kan., Kerri Heller has until Sept. 2 to toilet-train her 3-year-old son, Jack. Ms. Heller started training in earnest earlier this month, and says she has barely left the house since.
On a Monday, she bought an egg timer and set it to ring every 30 minutes to remind Jack to use the toilet.
[Pavlov Shits!]
Tuesday, her husband got a neighbor to call and impersonate Mike Sweeney, first baseman for the Kansas City Royals, and encourage Jack to keep potty training and be a "good little slugger." Wednesday, Jamie Walker, relief pitcher for the Detroit Tigers (aka Lance Harshbarger, her husband's office colleague), gave similar encouragement. Sammy Sosa (Ms. Heller's father) called Thursday.
[That was the part where I started laughing uncontrollably...]
Jack, a big baseball fan, has bobble-head dolls of two of the players sitting on the sink in the bathroom facing the toilet, as if observing his progress.
[A child that can't drop a deuce without being observed by a representative of Major League Baseball is being set up for failure.]
"You lose all your inhibitions with this process," says Ms. Heller, who rewards Jack for good performance with M&M's and an occasional trip to Chuck E. Cheese's.
[Does the mouse get to watch, too? Chuck E's In Love!]
Preschool enrollment is rising as more mothers head to work, and finding the right school is an ever more competitive enterprise. Ms. Heller lined up a year-and-a-half ago at 6 a.m. to get Jack into a "pre-preschool" program to help him get into the preschool he's about to attend.
[But of course. Nothing's too good for a sprog who gets phone calls from Sammy Fucking Sosa every time he masters the art of sending the Browns to the Super Bowl.]
Babies used to graduate from diapers at a younger age in the U.S., and still do in some parts of Europe and Asia. People there tend not to make such a big deal of the process, says Kimberly-Clark's Mr. Falk. "Some European cultures don't have a word for toilet training," he says. In rural China, most babies wear underpants with a split in them and quickly learn how to use the toilet.
[Without supportive calls from Chow yun-Fat, no doubt.]
Catherine Haskins understands motivation. Ms. Haskins, who works for a marketing and public-relations firm in Kansas City, Kan., has pompoms in her bathroom to cheer on her daughter, Emma, who will be 3 in December.
["PISS TO THE LEFT! CRAP TO THE RIGHT! PINCH THAT LOAF! TIGHT! TIGHT! TIGHT! GOOOO EMMA!!!!"]
Gutterboy wondering how he ever managed the art of continence without the aid of Don Drysdale or Joe Namath
From the Archives of ASCF and the keyboard of Mary Fucking Sunshine:
(maybe this belongs in the kitchen or Island)
Recipe for eyeroll: http://tiny.cc/414cew
MFS's post:
> As originally posted by me in early June:
> EYE ROLL
> One large eye (human eye or other beast eye of near-equal size) > One eggroll wrapper > 1 tsp. dark sesame oil > 1/4 cup chopped mixed vegetables - cabbage, carrots, onion, garlic > Pinch of Chinese five-spice powder > Pinch of dry mustard > Pinch of white pepper > Dash of rice-wine vinegar > 1/4 tsp (or to taste) Asian chili-garlic sauce > Peanut oil for frying > Chinese hot mustard for dipping > Sweet-and-sour sauce for dipping > Plum sauce for dipping
> Saute chopped vegetables in sesame oil. Place on eggroll wrapper. > Sprinkle rice-wine vinegar on vegetables. Add dry ingredients and chili- > garlic sauce. Place eye in the middle. (You may saute the eye if you just > can't deal with it raw). Roll up eggroll and fasten with toothpick if > necessary. Put peanut oil in frying pan and heat to 350 degrees. Fry > eggroll until crisp and brown on all sides. Remove from heat and cut in > half to speed cooling and avoid overcooking the delicious vitreous-humor > gravy inside.
> Serve with lots of cold Asian beer.
> Enjoy, > MFS
_______________________________________________ "I fly because it releases my mind from the tyranny of petty things." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
ATTENTION ALL VIRULENT BREEDERS: I did not choose to remain child free with the express intention of pissing you off, so get over yourselves.
I have all the maternal instincts of a dragon lizard - given a chance, they eat their young (hell, one of my pet ones eats her own eggs). You have children. I am pleased for you. I may think that they are tiresome, demanding, selfish, smelly, screaming, expensive, ungrateful parasites, but that's not important. You love them. They are the centre of your world, your entire reason for existing. Good for you. I can just about cope with the fact that every sentence you utter starts with the name of one of the blessed offspring, or the phrase "my child" - after all, I can always stop listening if I get sick of it. I can just about cope with your bewilderment at finding out that the rest of the world does not regard your little darlings as the centre of the universe (I'm just as bewildered as to why you'd think they'd be the centre of anyone else's universe). But I am sick to death of and WILL NOT TOLERATE WITH GOOD GRACE your vicious, virulent and venomous ranting attacks on me for choosing not to have children of my own. What the hell does it matter to you?
I love this line about bingos: "(There is also usually mention of cats. Not sure where the cats come into it - some sort of bizarre contraceptive process?)"
This started out as a Pukefest submission, but I quickly realized that I have so many examples of maddening mommy-entitlement behavior that I want to share, it might work better as an official Rant.
I am sick and tired of, and sickened and tired by, the Entitlement Disease that seems to afflict mothers--single mothers and mothers with partners and those partners themselves-- the second they give birth to their first precious Jack or Aiden or Bailey or Ethan. These men and women seem convinced that by succeeding in fulfilling the natural biological imperative called procreation, which nearly every teen and adult on the planet would fulfill if they weren't careful, they have become special, better, different, and more important than the rest of us to the point that they think that they should receive preference and special treatment in almost every conceivable situation.
Time for some stories...."
Then she goes on to tell some breeder stories of them holding up the lines at airport security, baby stalking at a restaurant, and entitle minded Sancti-Moos expecting she and a friend to give up a table in a restaurant for their "Moo meeting".
ETA: I just saw where you posted that one too. It is about as good a rant as some of ours.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much? I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
dancing in the lambent light of discovery often post them and get unjustly flamed for it. So lets post those cultural icons and establish the definitive
)
It is about as good a rant as some of ours.
