"My Secret Grief. Over 35, Single and Childless" (article)
Posted by kidlesskim
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"My Secret Grief. Over 35, Single and Childless" (article) March 31, 2012 |
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/my-secret-grief-over-35-s_b_1202808.html
Pathetic childLESS blog-article and my commentary in red:
The grief hit me in my mid-thirties without warning. It amazes me how they just toss around the word "grief" about something as unimportant as they just haven't sluiced a loaf. It makes me wonder if they have ever actually experienced true grief. Somehow I doubt that.
By all appearances, my life was fantastic, or pretty close. I had a great job in New York City, good friends, some good dates. But then there were times, lonely days and nights, when I would cry. I would sob. I would lie in bed awake for hours, tears running onto my pillow. I was in mourning, but I didn't know it. 'Mourning" over something that isn't which she has had TOTAL control over? If it was THAT important, she could have already shat a litter of loaves.
Having experienced the same feeling for a few years, I now know the grief was over being childless, or more poignantly, over the loss of the baby I never held in my arms. By that point in my life I had expected to be married and a mother to at least two kids. I was far from it, still very single, no kids. Passing by a new mother and her infant strolling down Broadway would rattle my womb. Even seeing a woman swollen from seven or eight months of pregnancy would make my petite frame feel invisible and small. The sadness I'd feel around my period was deeper than hormonal. I was mourning the loss of one more chance at the family life I always dreamed of. God, "Rattle her womb", make her feel "invisible"? This woman is psychotic and a tad on the dramatic side, I'd say.:crz
And I grieved alone.Perhaps she wouldn't be alone if she spent less time grieving, mourning, and bawling into her pillow every night instead of out enjoying life and pursuing her hobbies and interests with like minded individuals.
Grief over not being able to have children is acceptable for couples going through biological infertility. Grief over childlessness for a single woman in her thirties and forties is not as accepted. Instead, it's assumed we just don't understand that our fertility has a limited lifespan and we are simply being reckless with chance. We're labeled "career women" as if we graduated college, burned our bras and got jobs to exhibit some sort of feminist muscle. Or, it's assumed we're not 'trying hard enough,' or we're 'being too picky.' The latest trend is to assume we don't really want children because we haven't frozen our eggs, adopted or had a biological baby as a single woman.I'd have to go with a combination of she's too picky, she's put her career first over this white picket fence fantasy, and she hasn't gone on to sluice as a single or freeze her eggs. There is NO REASON she can't have already shat a loaf or two if it's that damned important she'd be "grieving" over it.
This type of grief, grief that is not accepted or that is silent, is referred to as disenfranchised grief. It's the grief you don't feel allowed to mourn, because your loss isn't clear or understood. You didn't lose a sibling or a spouse or a parent. But losses that others don't recognize can be as powerful as the kind that is socially acceptable. Blah blah blah.......I am appalled she's comparing the death of a loved one to the lack of a loaf by choice.
Let me be clear. When you're over 35 and heartbroken over a breakup with the guy who you hoped would be 'the one' or haven't had a good date in a while or watch your close friends go on to their second or third pregnancy, it's hard. It's disarming. And sometimes, it's unbearable. I wonder WHY she's had no "good dates" in a while? I also wonder why they all break up with her
I've always loved being around babies. I couldn't get enough of my own newborn nieces and nephew. Not having my own, I felt like the world, in one big swoop, was moving forward and I was being held back. Then SHIT that almighty loaf while there's still time and STFU.:bayybee
Turning 40 helped. Just the anticipation of turning 37... 38... 39 and remaining single was creating more anxiety than anything else in my life. Once I hit 40, I realized that despite my dreams (and deep biological and emotional desire to be a mother), I was still happy for all the other things in my life. Being an aunt was (and will probably always be) my greatest joy. Starting my own business, becoming an author and fulfilling my professional potential have been extraordinarily rewarding. The likely reason she's remained single is the men can smell her desperation a mile away. That, and she also comes across as a bit of a narcissist. III. and MY MY MY= ME ME ME
I'm 42 now, and I've quietly moved on. Becoming a mother at this point would be a very happy surprise. Of course, I still have my moments. That hard-won peace of mind can be interrupted by an unexpected package from a PR agency sending me a newborn baby onesie for promotion. (There's something about a onesie I have no use for that is especially tender). Or when people assume I never wanted kids because I don't have any. Or act surprised when I reveal that I do. Or worse, presume I am happier for being childless or more fortunate for not having to 'worry about kids.' Some have even come to call me "childfree" -- a term coined by those who have chosen never to have children and have no desire to have children, simply because I've 'chosen' to wait for love. I not only have to cope with my circumstantial infertility, but I have to defend my desire to be married to someone I'm crazy about before conceiving. I have to defend why I'm not a mother when it's all I ever wanted to be."Circumstantial infertility" WTF? God forbid anyone think she was childfree, but maybe if she was she could at least get a husband:bawl
The grief over never becoming a mother is one I will never get over, like the grief over losing my own mother 23 years ago. But like that kind of grief, with time, it's no longer constant or active. Yes, there's still hope I'll meet a man who has the desire to have a baby with me and will be prepared to be with me through the treatments I may need to make that happen. Or grieve with me should they not work. But mainly, I just keep going, looking for love. Thankfully, there's no biological time limit on that dream. I can't believe she's comparing this "grief" with the death of her own mother! How charming too she's looking for a man to grieve WITH her should the stick not turn pink! Now THAT is a big turn on I am quite certain.:smn
I cautiously hold onto the hope that I may still have a chance to hold my baby in my arms -- and that I am still attractive to men who want children too. I know I'm not alone. I am one of the 18 percent of American women between the ages of 40 and 44 who are childless. Pew Research reports that half of this group has chosen that fate; they are childfree by choice. And the rest of us, about one million American childless women ages 40 to 44, suffer from biological or circumstantial infertility. God, there's a MILLION of them? Oh, I hadn't realized being childlfree was a "fate".:BS
How we choose to move on from this grief is now the focus of our own kind of happily ever after. And I must say, I plan for my 'happy' to indeed be ever after. And hopefully, it won't be alone. With her attitude, I'd say it was LIKELY she will remain "alone".
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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
Pathetic childLESS blog-article and my commentary in red:
The grief hit me in my mid-thirties without warning. It amazes me how they just toss around the word "grief" about something as unimportant as they just haven't sluiced a loaf. It makes me wonder if they have ever actually experienced true grief. Somehow I doubt that.
By all appearances, my life was fantastic, or pretty close. I had a great job in New York City, good friends, some good dates. But then there were times, lonely days and nights, when I would cry. I would sob. I would lie in bed awake for hours, tears running onto my pillow. I was in mourning, but I didn't know it. 'Mourning" over something that isn't which she has had TOTAL control over? If it was THAT important, she could have already shat a litter of loaves.
Having experienced the same feeling for a few years, I now know the grief was over being childless, or more poignantly, over the loss of the baby I never held in my arms. By that point in my life I had expected to be married and a mother to at least two kids. I was far from it, still very single, no kids. Passing by a new mother and her infant strolling down Broadway would rattle my womb. Even seeing a woman swollen from seven or eight months of pregnancy would make my petite frame feel invisible and small. The sadness I'd feel around my period was deeper than hormonal. I was mourning the loss of one more chance at the family life I always dreamed of. God, "Rattle her womb", make her feel "invisible"? This woman is psychotic and a tad on the dramatic side, I'd say.:crz
And I grieved alone.Perhaps she wouldn't be alone if she spent less time grieving, mourning, and bawling into her pillow every night instead of out enjoying life and pursuing her hobbies and interests with like minded individuals.
Grief over not being able to have children is acceptable for couples going through biological infertility. Grief over childlessness for a single woman in her thirties and forties is not as accepted. Instead, it's assumed we just don't understand that our fertility has a limited lifespan and we are simply being reckless with chance. We're labeled "career women" as if we graduated college, burned our bras and got jobs to exhibit some sort of feminist muscle. Or, it's assumed we're not 'trying hard enough,' or we're 'being too picky.' The latest trend is to assume we don't really want children because we haven't frozen our eggs, adopted or had a biological baby as a single woman.I'd have to go with a combination of she's too picky, she's put her career first over this white picket fence fantasy, and she hasn't gone on to sluice as a single or freeze her eggs. There is NO REASON she can't have already shat a loaf or two if it's that damned important she'd be "grieving" over it.
This type of grief, grief that is not accepted or that is silent, is referred to as disenfranchised grief. It's the grief you don't feel allowed to mourn, because your loss isn't clear or understood. You didn't lose a sibling or a spouse or a parent. But losses that others don't recognize can be as powerful as the kind that is socially acceptable. Blah blah blah.......I am appalled she's comparing the death of a loved one to the lack of a loaf by choice.
Let me be clear. When you're over 35 and heartbroken over a breakup with the guy who you hoped would be 'the one' or haven't had a good date in a while or watch your close friends go on to their second or third pregnancy, it's hard. It's disarming. And sometimes, it's unbearable. I wonder WHY she's had no "good dates" in a while? I also wonder why they all break up with her
I've always loved being around babies. I couldn't get enough of my own newborn nieces and nephew. Not having my own, I felt like the world, in one big swoop, was moving forward and I was being held back. Then SHIT that almighty loaf while there's still time and STFU.:bayybee
Turning 40 helped. Just the anticipation of turning 37... 38... 39 and remaining single was creating more anxiety than anything else in my life. Once I hit 40, I realized that despite my dreams (and deep biological and emotional desire to be a mother), I was still happy for all the other things in my life. Being an aunt was (and will probably always be) my greatest joy. Starting my own business, becoming an author and fulfilling my professional potential have been extraordinarily rewarding. The likely reason she's remained single is the men can smell her desperation a mile away. That, and she also comes across as a bit of a narcissist. III. and MY MY MY= ME ME ME
I'm 42 now, and I've quietly moved on. Becoming a mother at this point would be a very happy surprise. Of course, I still have my moments. That hard-won peace of mind can be interrupted by an unexpected package from a PR agency sending me a newborn baby onesie for promotion. (There's something about a onesie I have no use for that is especially tender). Or when people assume I never wanted kids because I don't have any. Or act surprised when I reveal that I do. Or worse, presume I am happier for being childless or more fortunate for not having to 'worry about kids.' Some have even come to call me "childfree" -- a term coined by those who have chosen never to have children and have no desire to have children, simply because I've 'chosen' to wait for love. I not only have to cope with my circumstantial infertility, but I have to defend my desire to be married to someone I'm crazy about before conceiving. I have to defend why I'm not a mother when it's all I ever wanted to be."Circumstantial infertility" WTF? God forbid anyone think she was childfree, but maybe if she was she could at least get a husband:bawl
The grief over never becoming a mother is one I will never get over, like the grief over losing my own mother 23 years ago. But like that kind of grief, with time, it's no longer constant or active. Yes, there's still hope I'll meet a man who has the desire to have a baby with me and will be prepared to be with me through the treatments I may need to make that happen. Or grieve with me should they not work. But mainly, I just keep going, looking for love. Thankfully, there's no biological time limit on that dream. I can't believe she's comparing this "grief" with the death of her own mother! How charming too she's looking for a man to grieve WITH her should the stick not turn pink! Now THAT is a big turn on I am quite certain.:smn
I cautiously hold onto the hope that I may still have a chance to hold my baby in my arms -- and that I am still attractive to men who want children too. I know I'm not alone. I am one of the 18 percent of American women between the ages of 40 and 44 who are childless. Pew Research reports that half of this group has chosen that fate; they are childfree by choice. And the rest of us, about one million American childless women ages 40 to 44, suffer from biological or circumstantial infertility. God, there's a MILLION of them? Oh, I hadn't realized being childlfree was a "fate".:BS
How we choose to move on from this grief is now the focus of our own kind of happily ever after. And I must say, I plan for my 'happy' to indeed be ever after. And hopefully, it won't be alone. With her attitude, I'd say it was LIKELY she will remain "alone".
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
Please. 
eyes2
Why wait for the Prince Charming when you could have opened your heart and legs to anyone who decided to be nice enough to you?
eyes2Why wait for the Prince Charming when you could have opened your heart and legs to anyone who decided to be nice enough to you?
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Miss_Hannigan
If she's in New York, she's definitely alone because she's too picky. Sorry, toots, there's only so many rich stockbrokers in Manhattan and you're probably a 6 in a sea of 10's. You're an old, wrinkly bag with shrivelled eggs trying to compete with 20 year old fuckmeat. Move to a retirement community in Florida and maybe some retiree will bone you before he keels over in his Hoveround.
larious you guys are terrible.All jokes aside, I do agree with Kim. If you wanted brats that much, you would have had them by now. Go to Walmart and you will see even ugly women with brats proving that they got laid. You don't have to be pretty or smart to snare a duh-nor. Or you could just go to a sperm bank or adopt. If being moo was so important for you, then there's a way to do it. She just didn't want brats fucking up whatever she was trying to accomplish at the moment.
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Miss_Hannigan
I just suffered through a similar article from The Atlantic about another 40-year-old, self-obsessed New York career gal who forgot to have children, and now regrets turning down a suitor in her 20's. How many of these fucking articles do we need?
http://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/8654/
(Link is from my mobile, may or may not work for everyone)
God, that woman is still mourning her break up with, in retrospect, Mr Mostly Right from a decade ago.
These 40 something childless women need to get a grip on reality and decide what it is they want! I don't understand why they can't be happy with the lives they have chosen rather than the life that never was. I suppose they let time creep up on them or something while they were trying to "have it all", but I really don't know because I never experienced anything remotely like this with the ticking clocks and whatnot. I am not "alone', since I am married, but I absolutely would not have a problem with the state of being alone for LONG extended periods of time.I can't EVER recall having been lonely and if the truth be known I always have enjoyed being alone.I guess I like my own company. I could (and have) go for days on end without any human contact and it wouldn't bother me in the least. I don't require validation or the company of others to be content or happy and never have and can't imagine I ever will. When Moos start up with the typical, "You will end up all alone in a remote area with no company but your cats", that sounds rather pleasant and desirable to me. I'd much rather be alone with a bunch of cats than constantly bombarded and imposed on by second and third generations of self replicants, I truly would. I have seen it and it's not my cup of tea.
downMost older women, 50 and above typically, claim they just can't imagine being happy without a constant drove of kids and grandbrats stopping by and to encourage it, many of them either leave their doors unlocked or hand out keys to everyone even remotely related to them so they can "visit" whenever they want. I would NEVER enjoy anything like that with people just stopping by, raiding my refrigerator, or otherwise dropping in uninvited and without even knocking like SO MANY women seem to enjoy when they approach "middle age". That intrusive shit just is NOT for me and I don't imagine it ever will be.:smn
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
Quote
kidlesskim
Quote
Miss_Hannigan
I just suffered through a similar article from The Atlantic about another 40-year-old, self-obsessed New York career gal who forgot to have children, and now regrets turning down a suitor in her 20's. How many of these fucking articles do we need?
http://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/8654/
(Link is from my mobile, may or may not work for everyone)
God, that woman is still mourning her break up with, in retrospect, Mr Mostly Right from a decade ago.
I can't EVER recall having been lonely and if the truth be known I always have enjoyed being alone.I guess I like my own company. I could (and have) go for days on end without any human contact and it wouldn't bother me in the least. I don't require validation or the company of others to be content or happy and never have and can't imagine I ever will. When Moos start up with the typical, "You will end up all alone in a remote area with no company but your cats", that sounds rather pleasant and desirable to me. I'd much rather be alone with a bunch of cats than constantly bombarded and imposed on by second and third generations of self replicants, I truly would. I have seen it and it's not my cup of tea.
Most older women, 50 and above typically, claim they just can't imagine being happy without a constant drove of kids and grandbrats stopping by and to encourage it, many of them either leave their doors unlocked or hand out keys to everyone even remotely related to them so they can "visit" whenever they want. I would NEVER enjoy anything like that with people just stopping by, raiding my refrigerator, or otherwise dropping in uninvited and without even knocking like SO MANY women seem to enjoy when they approach "middle age". That intrusive shit just is NOT for me and I don't imagine it ever will be.:smn
This. SO this. I am such a solitary person and hate having my peace disturbed. Anyone who knows me knows to never drop by unannounced, etc. I hate being intruded upon.
As for Miss Whine...STFU. Crap like this makes me stabby and beyond annoyed. Clueless bint.
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Miss_Hannigan
Good point, Kim. Actually, it makes me realize how content I am with my life, warts and all.
Yeah me too, but I didn't get that way overnight. I think it's human nature to ponder the road(s) not taken and to ask oneself, "What if?" I had done this or that would I have been happier, wealthier, etc......When it becomes unhealthy and counter productive is when we are unable to see ANYTHING but the up side to the road not taken and don't have the ability to imagine the down side. Then it becomes an unrealistic "goal" which can never be attained as well as a fantasy. That mindset can literally ruin the rest of someone's life and assuming this 40ish woman lives a normal lifespan, we are talking about 40-50 YEARS of unnecessary self imposed misery. If she would think about it in that light she'd be a lot better off.:litebulb
Whenever I have started down the path of becoming obsessed with "what if" I had or hadn't done this or that, especially when it comes to one of my many failed marriages (I am on my 5th), or start up a pity party about chances I wish I had taken, choices I wish I had made differently, mistakes I wish I could take back, feeling guilt over a life choice, etc...........I started playing a game with myself quite some time ago and it always makes me feel better! I'll share it with you all in case you ever need a boost in the "What If" department:
First of all let me say I believe that any decision is better than none at all and I also think ALL decisions, even apparent bad ones, can still have positive consequences depending on the circumstances beyond our control AND in how we deal with the results of that singular decision. It can be something as apparently benign as taking a right instead of a left, leaving five minutes later than we meant to, running a red light, or obviously serious such as ending a marriage, quitting a job, or relocating. I imagine the road not taken, first with all of it's rainbows and puppy dog tails. Then, I imagine different sets of variables that could have caused it to go horribly wrong had I taken that particular path or made a different decision. ONE decision can literally change the entire landscape of our lives.:bdid
Sometimes, keeping door number one with the home entertainment system, instead of taking a chance on the 50k vacation behind door number 2, can keep us from going home with a worthless cow with a bell hanging around it's neck when we chose door number 3 over our first choice of door number 1. That's the logic I try to live by anyway because it helps keep the "what ifs" and lamenting at the past I can't change at bay. Now, if I had a working time machine that would be an entirely different horse of a MUCH different color.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
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