Kre8ive Names

My cousin named her baby boy Gear.

Another named her boy Payton.

Um...

I've been back in rotation at the main hospital campus and I forgot just how many weird names are out there. A lot of them are simply ethnic but some of them... I can't remember any specifics but I scratch my head often at the inanity out there with name selection. Oh well.

(breeder scum and their noxious name play

read this fucking unbelievable shit)

American Baby Names Are Somehow Getting Even Worse

Drew Magary

My wife has a subscription to Parents magazine, and the fun thing about Parents magazine is that every issue is virtually identical. Whether you pick up the June 2008 issue or the March 2012 issue, you're still getting all the same shit, including items like "567 fun knitting crafts to help stave off boredom!" and "Make a time out mean it!" and "Why is your husband such a lazy sack of shit?" They have a winning formula, and they stick to it.

Anyway, I was on the shitter the other day looking through the June 2012 issue, and I got to the standard "What should you name your baby?" piece. The magazine surveyed 13,000 readers and asked them, "If you had a boy/girl, what would you name him/her?" Now, you and I both know that Americans of all stripes have grown progressively worse at naming children. It's not enough for your child to have a normal name and then try to stand out on their own merits down the road. No, no, no. Every parent now wants every child to be unique and special from the moment the doctor wipes all the amniotic fluid off of it, even though all babies look alike and contribute nothing to society.

There's a bizarre assumption that if you can make your child's name is unique, the child will be unique. And that's NEVER the case. Chances are, if you name your kid Braxlee, he or she is gonna end up bent over the sink in the back of a TGI Friday's, offering tail in exchange for a better skim off the tip pool.

But people are stupid and happily ignore this fact. You would think that baby names have reached their apex of ludicrousness. But you would be wrong. Oh, dear reader, you would be so, so wrong. Americans are somehow getting even worse at naming children, and they show no signs of correcting themselves. You think that Jayden is the bottom of the barrel? My friend, I combed through this survey and found names that would confuse and terrify you. I can't even list them all here, because your brain would die. Instead, I've picked just a few representative choices, to show you the tip of the preppy white moron iceberg. BEHOLD:

BOYS

• Adler

• Attyson

• Bastian

• Blayde The extra Y in there makes it 10 percent sharper. And don't fuck with Blayde's brother, Nyfe.

• Chesney

• Draven Please note that if you name your baby Draven, you must dress him up like the Crow at all times.

• Diesel

• Izander "I'd like my son to sound like a shirt. Can you do that?"

• Jaydien That's right. JaydIen. Don't forget that I. That I is what sets young Jaydien apart from the mere Jaydens of the world. Now don't you people who named your kid Jayden feel behind the times? You bought the beta version of that name. It's like buying an iPad too early. Six years from now, the name will have morphed into Jayydizzosoian, and then you'll really feel like a sucker.

• Kierson Straight from the "Invented Irish name for Boston-area steakheads" file

• Ryker

• Sincere

• Sketch If you name your child Sketch, you should be arrested. At that point, you're just basically looking around the delivery room, coming up with nouns as names. "Oh, fuck it. Call him Monitor."

• Tulsa If you're gonna name your kid after a place, at least have the common courtesy to name him after a legitimate tourist destination. No one wants to hang out with a kid named Tulsa, or a kid named Kalamazoo. Ol' Kal. Always gettin' in trouble.

• Tyce Fuck you.

• Zaiden Of course Zaiden is here. It takes Jayden and throws a Z in front, which makes it SO STRONG. God, I just wanna slap a loincloth on little Zaiden and club dragons with him. Be on the lookout for Drayden, Fayden, Waiden, Strayden, and Klayden coming to your hood.

• Zebulon Classic hillbilly, with the bonus of sounding like a cartoon alien planet.

Those are the boys. For the girls... God, I'm so sorry for you, little princesses. Here is what your meth-addled mothers cooked up for you:

GIRLS

• Annyston Joined by brother Schwymmir

• Brook'Lynn The abuse of apostrophes in names has to end. A reasonable person should be able to know, by looking at a name, when one syllable ends and another begins. But no, dumbfucks all over the country have to be like "I'll name him Raw'Bert." You stop that. Give me some credit for being able to read even if you can't.

• Brylee Isn't this an ice cream brand? It should be an ice cream brand.

• Copelia It's a ballet about a mechanical love doll, only spelled wrong.

• Cortlyn

• Fallyn "I'd like my daughter to sound like a dystopian young adult novel, please."

• Harvest You know what people will Harvest from your daughter? Her V-card.

• Jerrika You know what comes next, right? You guessed it: ZERRIKA. You will meet a Zerrika one day, and then you won't know what to do with yourself.

• Joplyn

• Julissa Classic hybrid name. It joins the likes of Emichelle, Eliza'Betty, and Jessikate.

• Luxx Why not add that third x and fulfill her destiny? That's what you want, right? You want little Luxx to grow up, move to the Valley and earn $60 a week getting jet spraykakke'd for a series of Brazzers short films, yes? There's no other reason to name your child Luxx.

• Mahayla

• Midnight

• Sharpay This is a character from High School Musical. It's also a breed of dog. Why stop there? Name your child Dobyrman.

• Tayzia

• Tybee Seriously, fuck you. Unless you want your kid to grow up to become a made-for-TV cooking product, piss off with Tybee.

• Xylethia

• Yankee And... the final insult.

As I said before, this is merely a sampling. There are so many more horrible names on the list: Trust, Wellen, Kayson, Stormy, Mayson, Kayleen—it goes on and on and on. I wish I could tell you there's an end to this, that writing your local Congressman to draft laws preventing this kind of child abuse from happening would do the trick. But I can't. It won't. Our fate is sealed, not unlike that of poor Luxx. Luxxx. Luxxxx'Ann. God help us all.

http://deadspin.com/5924827/american-baby-names-are-somehow-getting-even-worse

"Adler"
German for "eagle". Perhaps they were going for an Assassin's Creed theme?

"Ryker"
As long as they make the kid grow a beard when he's older, I don't see a problem.

"Sketch"
The nerd in me wants to believe they named him after the protagonist of Comix Zone, but somehow I doubt it.

"Brylee"
Jesus, I heard this name mentioned before. I thought they were joking!

"Copelia It's a ballet about a mechanical love doll, only spelled wrong."
I love that you know that! Not that I'm into ballet or anything...

"Fallyn"
That girl is going to get tripped up at school every fucking day.

"Joplyn"
What, do the parents actually want her to end up in the 27 Club?

"Xylethia"
The hell? This is a name you give to a character in an RPG, not an actual physical child! :smn

--------------

mypersonality.info

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it."
George Bernard Shaw

"An oyster can play catch if u only give it the oprotunity"
Some random YouTube commenter

"hate comments will be deleted!! fuckers!"
Some random YouTube uploader

I don't remember if I shared this one or not--but I saw ran across it, in a store I
had to visit: LaTrenda. Just wanted to put it on the wall of shame here...

Cheers,

an.iron.butterfly

I heard this one years ago from a family member: Eyelit. Yes, she was totally serious. Pretty unique for an 80's person.

I saw this the other day: Brayleigh.

Is she a horse, or what?

~~~~~~~~~~~
I miss my little feather baby.

Quote
drake
I saw this the other day: Brayleigh.

Is she a horse, or what?

larious

--------------

mypersonality.info

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it."
George Bernard Shaw

"An oyster can play catch if u only give it the oprotunity"
Some random YouTube commenter

"hate comments will be deleted!! fuckers!"
Some random YouTube uploader

Laydie
Yup. and she was 47 years old! I handed the order to the student and said," here go x ray this lady. "

My job at the hospital was as a records clerk which included filling out death and birth certificates. I know that in a few years time I'm going to have people standing at my door asking me "why did you let my momma name me this??". I have seriously thought about asking the breeders if I should just call back when the drugs have worn off. Some of the more memorable ones:

Espn Montana.....I wish I was joking, I really really wish I was joking. My counterpart at the next hospital is the one who had to do this little nugget

Zoom Dash Schnieder....yes I really had to type this up

A. Lena.....her name is literally a letter

Justice Payton

Neveh My'Angel.....the woman pronounced Never My Angel

Da Finest Blackman.....and he was a junior

Precious Armani

Pope Paul

and the list can go on.....

Oh, I cannot believe how utterly brilliant you people are. You KNOW the origin of these names! But...but...they are so bad that I hesitate to put what I saw in the newspaper the other day.

Antonietta and her sons Nirajay, Trazaypis, Nyterrius, and Travis wait for a bus. She had been out with her sons having a good day and also had been out looking for employment.

I think they'll hire her!

Quote
Snark Shark
"the woman pronounced Never My Angel"

so the kyd is NOT her angel?

okay....... :eyebrows

Maybe it's something like when young people these days say something is "sick", but they mean that it's really good?? Some new generational slang for the breeders?

EDIT: Wow, I sound old, don't I? *shakes cane*

Jesyca

Thankfully, it was only a name for a made-up character someone drew.

Quote
crazycatlady
Laydie
Yup. and she was 47 years old! I handed the order to the student and said," here go x ray this lady. "

During my first year at my second high school, there was a girl in my math class named Leydy.

----------
"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

Was looking in the paper and saw some of the birth announcements and class lists. Found quite a few future welfare recipients:

Collins (female)
Sayge
Jacquiesce (male)
Magenna
Jaggar
Meav
Axton
Izzac
Crimson
Jolon
Maki
Kizae
Kian
Draven
Austyn
Shylea

I happened to look up someone on a reality show to see if she and her husband were still together. She (named Cristal so it's not like there was any hope to begin with) announced her inpigness, didn't give a gender, but did give a name they picked - Schwayze Brooklyn. WTF?

A one year old was shot in Brooklyn sunday night. His father was taking him in a stroller for a "walk". Poor little Antiq did not survive the bullet intended for his duh. ANTIQ

Quote
barren4ever
A one year old was shot in Brooklyn sunday night. His father was taking him in a stroller for a "walk". Poor little Antiq did not survive the bullet intended for his duh. ANTIQ

Old soul?

_{ducking and running...}

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Quote
thom_c

Quote
barren4ever
A one year old was shot in Brooklyn sunday night. His father was taking him in a stroller for a "walk". Poor little Antiq did not survive the bullet intended for his duh. ANTIQ

Old soul?

_{ducking and running...}

larious :yr Thank you for the laugh. :cigar

My cousin's wife is going to name their impending he-loaf Cannon. eyes2

I can just here the jokes about 'Cannon's balls' now.

Just saw this article on Slate - lists of weird Puritan names. Hope the moos don't ready it or there will be little Fly-fornications, Humiliations, and Nomerits running around in a few years.

One thing I've taken a liking to doing in recent years is reading the credits after movies to look at the dumbass names. They aren't as common in films before 2000, but even in not-so-recent films you can still find some WTF ones. Was watching Ace Ventura earlier today and noticed one of the film crew members was named "Odin." Someone obviously thought their snowflake was mighty special. Or if the man changed his name when he was older, I wouldn't hesitate to say he's a bit arrogant.

I have noticed that stunt people tend to have really funky names too.

On the Maury show yesterday morning, there was a woman who was so sure the man she brought was the father, she named her twin daughters after him. The guy's name was Gregory. The twins' names?

Gregriyanna and Gregriyonna

Even Maury called her out on their names. Lucky for her (I guess), the guy was the father of both. I wouldn't blame those girls if they got their names changed after they hit 18.

----------
"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

While searching Ancestry for fun I found relatives whose names were Tennessee and Arizona. They were both born in the 1800s.

Another fun one I heard recently. I was at a state fair (not by choice) and it was packed with breeders. On the way out into the parking lot, someone's male toddler bolted past me and I heard a Duh calling out to it to stop: "Eleanor!"

Some names are unisex. "Eleanor" is not one of them.

Gag. One of the people on my FB list had her baybee today. Of course, hours after the thing has been popped out the mandatory attention whore FB status is posted along with pictures (I really hate this "get it on FB ASAP" mentality!!). The name??
OZWIN.