"The Postpartum Vagina Monologues" (From a Moo Forum)

http://www.motherhooduncensored.net/motherhood_uncensored/2009/04/the-postpartum-vagina-monologues.html

There are lots of these stories with a grab bag of varying Moo commentary ranging from laughing to anger at making fun of something so "devastating and serious", but this was the first one that popped up.

The Postpartum Vagina Monologues from, "Motherhood Uncensored"-Moo Forum
After two kids, I was dropping tampons. But with three, I've got as much muscle tone as the half-ton teen.Yep. Whatever semblance of a vagina that I was left with after Drew has now completely disappeared. .I suppose I should have expected such things, seeing as the vagina is a muscle, and when you push a few 8lb babies through it, chances are it's not just going to spring back to virginal attention.But unfortunately, I must have just skipped right past the "Your vagina will resemble a pig intestine" chapter in those pregnancy books. Yeah, that's a well kept secret among Moos, but"pig intestine"? What, it's hanging outside her hole too?


Just when you feel like you're getting your groove back after five months of your post partum haze - sporting your newly thinner ass and thrice refined muffin top in your old jeans, and not squirting milk at the cry of every baby within two city blocks - you want the sex. Because you're clean and you smell nothing like baby products and you're wearing your one-minute thong (one minute because that's as long as you can wear it before it starts bothering your hemorrhoids), damnit. EEEwwww, to all of that: Squirting udder juice, squishy muffin tops, and thongs rubbing ruptured and swollen varicose veins protruding out her ass. Is anything still on the inside that should be?

But then you're all like "I want you all the way inside of me" in your deepest, groaniest, sexiest but not too loud so you won't wake the baby voice and he says:Um, I already am. FUCK. Bummer on that part for both her AND him. Few things would shrink the balls of a man more than for his lover to NOT know he is already, "in".

And then it's the in and out and in and out like a tire pump pushing air into a deflated balloon that will flap and pffffffrrrt in what would generally be hilariously entertaining but holy Jesus IT'S MY VAGINA.Then your groans get louder to cover the stray air leaving THE NOT SO FUNNY ORIFICE and you're wishing you had downed a fifth of something more than filtered water or that you had kegeled a few thousand more times and you're desperately squeezing as if that might actually do anything but squeeze more air out. God! Not only is her twat a cavernous cooter, but she gets nothing but pussy farts too?:hs

Yeah. Was there a chapter on this in those books? Those don't exist for many reasons, but mostly because they don't want the general public to KNOW they have a gaseous cavernous cooter AND because they want everyone else female to join their "club". I think it's some innate evolutionary thing to minimize their competition.m

Because I really wish I would have read it. It's too late now, but I am wondering though, will SHE share this with her female friends who haven't loaf shat yet? That, and WHY did she gone on and shit THREE loaves?

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

Well if I have to poop…. i can feel it in my vagbag.....

OH. MY. GAWD.

I really need that tubal ligation.

larious Won't be me!

_______________________

“I was talking about children that have not been properly house-trained. Left to their own impulses and indulged by doting or careless parents almost all children are yahoos. Loud, selfish, cruel, unaffectionate, jealous, perpetually striving for attention, empty-headed, for ever prating or if words fail them simply bawling, their voices grown huge from daily practice: the very worst company in the world. But what I dislike even more than the natural child is the affected child, the hulking oaf of seven or eight that skips heavily about with her hands dangling in front of her -- a little squirrel or bunny-rabbit -- and prattling away in a baby's voice.”


― Patrick O'Brian, The Truelove


lib'-er-ty: the freedom given to you to make the wrong decision, based on the reasoned belief that you will normally make the right one.

The Moo commentary is as varied as their cooters are cavernous:

Sad, Serious, Injured Moo:Violin
To be honest, find it a bit disrespectful to make fun of something like this. These issues can be emotionally devastating for some women and treating them as a joke is quite horrible.I noticed that someone posted she'd take her floppy vagina over a 'sliced uterus' any day.Well, I'm the opposite. I'd slit my own uterus if it meant I could avoid pelvic floor and sexual problems.. It's not just about a floppy vagina.. It's about a host of other pelvic floor problems that ironically require major surgery to correct. For example, uterine prolapse, bladder prolapse, rectal prolapse, incontinence (anal and urinary), rectovaginal and colorectal fistulas. These things are serious and should not be taken lightly. We take the risks of a c section such as DVT and infection so seriously, but we are quick to treat those of a vaginal birth lightly.::bawl Ah, the beginnings of the activation of the Moo Hierarchy scale of birth with MY loaf shitting experience was MORE traumatic than YOURS.

Professional Moo Not Laughing
I'm a sex therapist and I don't think this is funny at all. Ask women whose marriages have become strained and sexless after children, especially those who have unfaithful husbands due to this problem and I don't think they'll find it funny. I know a lady who lost sensation in her clitoris post childbirth and she cannot orgasm any more. Really, it's not funny. Very few people realise that c sections come with benefits other than preserving vaginas. Very few people also realise that vaginal birth too comes with a long list of risks. C sections do have risks such as infection and a debatably longer recovery, but vaginal births have serious long term risks such as rectoceles, cystoceles, pelvic organ prolapse, incontinence, obstetric fistulas and even colostomies. A lot of women planning on smaller families may prefer the short term risks such as infection and a tougher recovery to a life of dealing with incontinence, uterine prolapse, dissatisfactory sex, or worse, a rectovaginal fistula. Ruined marriages, wrecked genitalia, infections, emotional devastation, cheating husbands, and serious and sometimes permanent medical repercussions, but the majority STILL claim, "It's ALL worth it"!? EVEN IF they really liked their loaf, how could they enjoy it what with the walnut sized turds slipping out their twats and their husbands running around on them because he can no longer find her vagina without a miner's torch and ground penetrating radar?


TMI Moo
i thought i was alone in the "My Vagina is Fucked Now" ordeal..I was COMPLETELY devastated after my second kid. The Dr. cut really deep to because they couldn't even pull the baby out. Sex sucks now and i 4SURE can't sleep with any one with a small Dick because neither of us feel much pleasure and if u get at it wild it feels like there's no division btwn your vagina and asshole and that ur gonna have something come out you don't want. Certain positions you open up like a volcano and r like WHAT THE FUCK!! Hell no I aint EVER doing that position again. I do kegels like I'm suppose to but it only keeps the skin from prolapsing and you from peeing less when you jump or strain exercising. If they cut a nerve that affects part of that control too as well as epidural side effects. Since you have ALOT of extra weight pushing down on all those muscles for 9 mnths, and even more if your short because there's only room for it to go down once it's hit ur ribs "Open up like a volcano", and "no division between your vagina and your asshole"? NO THANKS.:1wv


VERY Telling Moo
I so wish I had time to read all the comments. This blog makes me feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better about myself! I had no idea so many people related so well to me. Love love love it. I kinda wanna make my husband read it so he knows I'm not the only one either! If only there weren't a permanent large supply of never-before-birthed-a-child vaginas out there waiting to be seduced. Maybe it would do him some good to know that it will happen to the best of them! NO, it will happen to the ones who sluice! I hate to break it to her but telling her husband other Moos have cavernous cooters will have no effect on whether he's going to cheat NOR will it make her twat situation any better. God, do they just sit around and suffer, keep all this shit to themselves, and GLOAT when it happens to someone they know, almost tongue in cheek and like the cat that ate the canary?:smn

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

More proof that only the most brain-dead women choose to breed. Enjoy your inverted vagina!

--------------------
"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

Why is this shit not discussed openly and especially in schools during sex ed before most women have chosen to breed?
When I was a kid I didn't give having children much thought, but I can tell you, if someone had told me I would risk of pooping out of my vagina, I'd have decided right then "NO FUCKING WAY!"
Is this a damn conspiracy? Misery loves company, so don't tell they young unbred women? Or is it some propriety bullshit?
Let's be real. Childbirth is horrible with long-lasting effects. And apparently, from the comments above, these women are depressed and unhappy.
If there are any fence-sitting women reading this, it's true that your men will cheat on you after you breed. I've had many breeder duhs hit on me. These are the guys who act like the devoted family men, posting photos of their wife and kids on Facebook and talking about how wonderful they are ... till they see some unbred hot ass ... then it's forget the wife and kids ... how can I get some of that pristine cooch?!

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dreamlife
Why is this shit not discussed openly and especially in schools during sex ed before most women have chosen to breed?
When I was a kid I didn't give having children much thought, but I can tell you, if someone had told me I would risk of pooping out of my vagina, I'd have decided right then "NO FUCKING WAY!"
Is this a damn conspiracy? Misery loves company, so don't tell they young unbred women? Or is it some propriety bullshit?
Let's be real. Childbirth is horrible with long-lasting effects. And apparently, from the comments above, these women are depressed and unhappy.
If there are any fence-sitting women reading this, it's true that your men will cheat on you after you breed. I've had many breeder duhs hit on me. These are the guys who act like the devoted family men, posting photos of their wife and kids on Facebook and talking about how wonderful they are ... till they see some unbred hot ass ... then it's forget the wife and kids ... how can I get some of that pristine cooch?!

I believe it is a conspiracy. A broken woman is much easier to control/ manipulate. Still, I'm tired of these fucking cows trying to look down their noses at everyone in public, yet in private they are defeated and miserable. Bitches, you might get a little sympathy if you weren't such arrogant, entitled prostitutes. They're just mad because their tricks and pimps are no longer worshipping them. If they were, these cunts would continue to be impatient and demanding.

And as far as these fake-ass men...eyes2 A "real" man is happy and devoted to one woman. Or else he is HONEST enough to not get married and tell women up front he intends to enjoy their company, but will not hesitate to walk away from unnecessary shit. I still think a lot of these stupid Duhs go ahead and get married because they believe it's the only way they'll get some type of companionship and sex.While some of them just get tricked into marriage. Cow struts her stuff and gives a lot of "free" samples, Duh thinks he getting a taste of more to come until he puts a ring on her finger. Then she becomes a nasty beast and he realizes his freedom and money are on lockdown. Bastards end up hiding (or desperately trying to hide) in another woman's pussy.

If I ever seriously consider having children, all I need to do is reread this thread.

As for women not being told these things can happen, I've long suspected moohood is a cult.

Oh DAYUM. Why did I read this, why, why, why?????? :smn

"I'd take my flappy vagina over a sliced open uterus any day of the week. Been there, don't ever want to go back.
But seriously, how many women reading this are now scheduling their cesareans because they believe their vaginas are going to fall apart now? This is nothing some kegals can't fix (says the mom who VBACd a nearly 10 lb. baby and has better sex now than she did before.)"

What a smug cunt.

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writer44
"I'd take my flappy vagina over a sliced open uterus any day of the week. Been there, don't ever want to go back.
But seriously, how many women reading this are now scheduling their cesareans because they believe their vaginas are going to fall apart now? This is nothing some kegals can't fix (says the mom who VBACd a nearly 10 lb. baby and has better sex now than she did before.)"

What a smug cunt.

Aside from the very real fact that kegals can't fix this. There are limits to what it can do

_______________________

“I was talking about children that have not been properly house-trained. Left to their own impulses and indulged by doting or careless parents almost all children are yahoos. Loud, selfish, cruel, unaffectionate, jealous, perpetually striving for attention, empty-headed, for ever prating or if words fail them simply bawling, their voices grown huge from daily practice: the very worst company in the world. But what I dislike even more than the natural child is the affected child, the hulking oaf of seven or eight that skips heavily about with her hands dangling in front of her -- a little squirrel or bunny-rabbit -- and prattling away in a baby's voice.”


― Patrick O'Brian, The Truelove


lib'-er-ty: the freedom given to you to make the wrong decision, based on the reasoned belief that you will normally make the right one.

Roast-beef flappy vaginas, vagina-buttholes, squirting udders, uncontrollable pussy-farts and shitting out of the wrong hole?

All I can say is, "Thank GOD that ain't me!" I may not be young anymore, but my body is awesomely intact...just as it was when I was 20. NO loaf is worth tearing my nether-regions to shreds.

I agree with t. There are some things that kegels will NOT fucking fix! When your uterus is hanging on the outside, you can do kegels 'til the cows come home....it is like trying to fix a collapsed skyscraper with krazy glue.

I find it kind of funny that some mooos are getting all vagina-butthurt over this mooo's commentary about her mudflap pussy! haha!

Now I know why my sister INSISTED on having C-sections. She said something about the possibility of having her vagina cut, and she said no way! She chose C-section for each kid.

I don't blame her one bit!

Reading this stuff creeps me out big time! So glad that won't ever be me! I'm intact and tight, and my body is toned. I can't imagine losing muscle tone down there or shitting through my vagina! It's just too awful to contemplate...

Don't know about you guys, but my lady-parts curled up and whimpered after I read this. (It will never be me..it will never be me.)

While some of the stories were written with some humor, I don't see them as "making fun of" the problem. The cows complaining need some reading comprehension, methinks. (Just like the asshole breeder trolls who keep commenting on this board.)

I can't help but think of Ma Duggar. If the OP turns into a queefmiester after only three kids, Ma Duggar must have a cooter like a Basking Shark's mouth



Hate to be crude, but Pa Duggar blowing his wad must be like shooting a paint gun down the Lincoln Tunnel.

Yeah, my vagina shrank down to the size of a pore as well.

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gwdzee
Don't know about you guys, but my lady-parts curled up and whimpered after I read this. (It will never be me..it will never be me.)

While some of the stories were written with some humor, I don't see them as "making fun of" the problem. The cows complaining need some reading comprehension, methinks. (Just like the asshole breeder trolls who keep commenting on this board.)

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Dorisan
I can't help but think of Ma Duggar. If the OP turns into a queefmiester after only three kids, Ma Duggar must have a cooter like a Basking Shark's mouth

image105.jpg

Hate to be crude, but Pa Duggar blowing his wad must be like shooting a paint gun down the Lincoln Tunnel.

lariouslariouslariouslarious


There is NO WAY Ma Duggar has any semblance of a vagina left, no way possible.There's only so much corrective surgery can do if the tissue is destroyed. It's a misconception that surgery can cure everything or we wouldn't have any ugly wealthy people.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

1) As if we needed more proof that all the people talking about being tighter than ever/having better sex than ever after childbirth were bullshitting...

2) You know, I could see how women back in the days before the internet wuoldn't know about this stuff. If you couldn't find people willing to be honest with you about stuff like this, your only other option was a book. I don't know how easy it is to find this information in books since I have never bothered to look. But these days, with the internet? Admitting to being surprised by shit like this is basically admitting that you're too stupid and lazy to do a five-second Google search on the effects of pregnancy on the body. In this day and age there is no excuse to be surprised by the fact that pregnancy will ruin your body.

enjoy your open faced roast beef sandwich! Glad THAT mess will never be me! ravaged mess.....

I've had a few women I know tell the truth. One barely made it to the hospital before she gave birth and it left her vagina in tatters. Another's husband was asking her if they should have a 4th kid and she wasn't entertaining the idea. She said her ladybits were ruined as it was.

They usually don't tell you these things until it's too late.

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crazycatlady
enjoy your open faced roast beef sandwich! Glad THAT mess will never be me! ravaged mess.....

Some of the pictures on the cooter repair sites look worse than that picture, like some of these before and after labia surgery photos:


http://www.labiaplastysurgeon.com/labiaplasty-photos-brady.html

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

do I dare even look? I am at work....

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crazycatlady
do I dare even look? I am at work....

I'd wait until I got home because it's a whole page of before and after twat photos.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

Quote
aya
But these days, with the internet? Admitting to being surprised by shit like this is basically admitting that you're too stupid and lazy to do a five-second Google search on the effects of pregnancy on the body. In this day and age there is no excuse to be surprised by the fact that pregnancy will ruin your body.

No shit. It is proof that they put more effort into researching what high end refrigerator to put in the McMansion than having kids.

Part of me feels for these women; knowing your hubs is stepping out and your vag needs its own seat in the car has to suck. Part of me thinks they should have known that birthin' is not all gifts, attention, rainbows and unicorn farts so the sympathy meter swings the other way.

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."