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Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley

Posted by Dorisan 
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Dorisan
Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 25, 2012
What can happen if you cave to your spouse's desire to have kids.

Quote

I didn't want them, but now I knew how much she did. I knew that if I didn't agree to have kids, she would sacrifice having them for me, and she would regret it the rest of her life. The way I see it, I was faced with only 3 options... all bad:

1) Stick to my guns, no kids. Ball is in her court, and if she sacrifices, it was her decision to do so. Probable Result: She'll decide not to have kids and will eventually be upset about it, at which time I'd feel guilty and everyone will be miserable. No one wins.

2) Agree to have kids; maybe I'd change and will be okay with it later. Maybe they grow on me. Probable Result: I am who I am... nothing changes, I'm not happy about it, but I pretend. She thinks everything is great and is happy. She wins.

3) Divorce, she won't be happy without kids, I won't be happy with them. We both lose our best friend and a magical 6 year relationship. No one wins.

I chose #2. I chose to suck it up to make her happy... and as expected, I am internally bitter. I keep my mouth shut, and play like everything is nice, but everything I expected has come to pass. My best friend is no longer my best friend. I'm third on the priority list. If that's selfish, oh well, I guess I'm selfish. Overnight she ceased being the care free and adventurous person I married, and is now a cautious, doting mom... obsessed with routine and schedule. She has motherhood down to a science. I'm not very interested in the mom.
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cosmictraveler
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 25, 2012
Hey, if he'd been halfway smart, he wouldn't have caved to the Lifescript. He knew if they broke up he'd lose his best friend and the woman he fell in love with, and he caved to her desires and lost her anyway. He's still with someone, but it's not who he married. She turned from his wife into a mom. It's actually pretty sad, but he knew what would most likely happen and he did it anyway. shrug It would've sucked enough breaking up, but now he has lil' burdens that he never wanted. It's a lose-lose for everyone involved, and it's all because he made a stupid decision.
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satansbitch
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 25, 2012
The whole "winning" idea makes me sick. WHY could these two not talk things out before they made a significant other commitment to each other??? If you are not on the same page about kids you will NOT be on the same page about anything else. I don't have a lot of sympathy for the duh who wrote this because of the "bed made lie" philosophy. This idiot didn't SAY to her significant other "I want X number of children in X number of years." The Duh in this case didn't come out and SAY "I could be happy without kids. I don't care either way." Because he didn't stand up for himself I can't drag up any sympathy for him. It's bad thing and it's called communication, people. It is NOT a bad thing and the rest of the world should give it a shot.

Before I forget, communication is the biggest reason I did not get married before age 29.
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mumofsixbirds
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Kids is a topic that should come up before marriage. Each partner should put their feelings on the table, and decide whether or not they are on the same page. It sounds like neither of them have good communication skills, and their marriage is fucked anyhow.

If Duh hangs onto this marriage much longer, he will only further resent his mooo and brats. This whole mess could have been avoided with a frank discussion. Why is it that people have deeper discussions about picking out a computer or TV set than they do about having kyds? It is the biggest, most life-altering thing a person can do with their marriage and life.

For me, having kyds is a deal-breaker. If they have them, or want them...they ain't gettin' any from me - ever. It would be difficult to break up with someone I love, but even worse to hang onto a doomed relationship with kyds attached.

This is why I hate breeders. They have no fucking minds of their own. This guy should've found a different use for his testicles and told his wife that he didn't want them. Then, let the chips fall where they may.
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t.
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
The whole analysis is wrong.

If he had chosen to stick his gun, his wife would either have ooopsed him or left him. Result: at least one of them is unhappy.

If he had chosen 2, as he had, in the end he is unhappy. As expected. Also, his wife might seem happy, but only because she is living a lie. She thinks her husband is happy and in love with her. Which he isn't. Neither. Probably he will cheat on some other woman and possibly he will divorce some years down the road.
He thought he was making the brave, loving, self sacrificing decision by "sucking it up" for love. Guess what, the moment you have to do something like that about a life CHOICE, the relationship is ended.
Now, I am not talking about sticking with a badly ill wife/husband and making sacrifice for that. That is laudable. After all, shit happens.
What happened here is the same as she would have told hime something like:
"I can only be happy if we leave our work, our friends and go to live with the Yanoami in the Amazonian Jungle. I feel I am not complete without bugs, mysterious illiness and dayly rains. Think about the adventure! Think about how much living as our ancestor did thousand of years ago will enrich our life. I need it. If you love me you will come with me. I am sure you will love the Jungle once we are there".
Now, if both want to go live there, then by all means do. But if you are kind of attached to, say, eletricity, clear water and modern medicine, then forcing them to change their life to such an extend shows you don't love them. Period.

If he had chosen 3... It would only have admitted that, the moment somebody say that YOU have to make ginormous chances in your life over some kind of choice you fell will make you miserable to make the other person happy, the relationship is gone. It was already ended.

_______________________

“I was talking about children that have not been properly house-trained. Left to their own impulses and indulged by doting or careless parents almost all children are yahoos. Loud, selfish, cruel, unaffectionate, jealous, perpetually striving for attention, empty-headed, for ever prating or if words fail them simply bawling, their voices grown huge from daily practice: the very worst company in the world. But what I dislike even more than the natural child is the affected child, the hulking oaf of seven or eight that skips heavily about with her hands dangling in front of her -- a little squirrel or bunny-rabbit -- and prattling away in a baby's voice.”


― Patrick O'Brian, The Truelove


lib'-er-ty: the freedom given to you to make the wrong decision, based on the reasoned belief that you will normally make the right one.
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dreamlife
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Whatever this guy has done to himself in the name of keeping his wife happy is their problem. But it's not cool that he is dragging other innocent parties into his mess.
More of his tale of woe:

"I'm on my 5th extra-marital girlfriend seeking the attention I've lost, all of which I have to dump within a month or two for fear they - or my wife, will figure it out.

I am the ugly hidden flaw an an outwardly perfect marriage. I'm the jerk who stole a choice, and made the wrong one. Now, my latest girlfriend has fallen in love with me, and I feel something for her. She is like my wife was before children - care free, adventurous and interesting.

In all likelihood, I'm about to break her heart... and go back to my boring life with kids that even the most jaded person would judge me for being discontent with."

He needs to leave other people out of this mess.

Oh, and you lurking moms out there, just more proof that your husbands are chasing childfree women no matter how much they pretend to be happy with their lives.
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Cambion
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
I'm also not feeling much in the sympathy department for this guy. Why not stick to his guns and continue to say "no?" Did it ever cross his mind that maybe she would have said, "As much as I want kids, I want to be with you more?" If he knew how much she wanted kids, why didn't he talk to her about this rather than put it on the internet? Why is he worried so much about what she wants and not at all about what HE wants? Sure, think about what she wants a little bit, but you gotta decide what YOU want/need in life first before you can start helping someone else with what they want/need.

Knowing full well he didn't want kids, he went and had them anyway. WHY does everyone act like there are no other fucking people in the whole wide world? Everyone seems to think they just have to settle with whoever they can snag for longer than a few months rather than experience some rejections in order to find someone more compatible. Like this dumb ass - rather than figure out if his wife would be alright without kids OR getting a divorce and finding a CF woman, he'd rather be lazy and settle for this woman who wants totally different things and then he sacrifices his own needs and desires for her. So he can be some kind of martyr, I'm sure. But no one is impressed by his decision - he has ruined his life, and for what? So the wonderful best friend/wife he sacrificed everything for disappeared into thin air and was replaced with a Moo.

The woman he did this for no longer exists. I sure hope it was all worth it.
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felisdomestica
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
bahahahah, he chose the option number 2, thinking he could compromise and make everybody happy... but he lost everything anyway. Stupid times a million isn't enough.to describe this guy. he should dig a hole and bury his head there for being such a chicken. had he had the balls to admit I DON'T WANT KIDS, he wouldn't trap himself in empty shell of his former self and former girlfriend with brats he didn't even want.

I agree with cambion. as if that woman is the only woman in this world! boo hoo!

I am going to show that thread to my boyfriend.
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kidlesskim
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Unless she waited 6 years to "change her mind", this is his own fault. Having kids or not is a deal breaker and a subject that should be thoroughly discussed BEFORE marriage. Not only is their marriage over, for all intents and purposes, there's a kid alive now whose father doesn't want it.

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!
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starlady
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Now see that .. all you CF people looking for a guy. They are out there... and would be thrilled if a woman said to them "I don't want childen'. Yep.. I bet most guys would be over the moon... I know mine was. I have seen so many poor duhs with that look of disgust on their faces as they haul the moo and her brood around. There are more CF men out there then even THEY know. Some need to be told that the lifescript is not the only route in life.
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navi8orgirl
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Quote
starlady
Now see that .. all you CF people looking for a guy. They are out there... and would be thrilled if a woman said to them "I don't want childen'. Yep.. I bet most guys would be over the moon... I know mine was. I have seen so many poor duhs with that look of disgust on their faces as they haul the moo and her brood around. There are more CF men out there then even THEY know. Some need to be told that the lifescript is not the only route in life.

Most of the CF men I dated wound up with a wannabreed or an oopser. None are CF anymore. And so many of them do this, convinced that this is their One Magic Person and if they leave they will never find the magic again.

And this is typical. The same men will be back to have an affair because their Magic Person turned into a mawwwmy and mawwwmies are not sexy or interesting or carefree in their eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."
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starlady
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Oh gawd.. that "he/she's soooo special that I MUST have his/her chiiiillldrrruuun' is such CRAP! Nobody's THAT special.
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nullipar-tay
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
I was trying not to be roll my eyes back into my brain as I read the repeated comments asking the guy about the 'unconditional love' he gets from his children, and telling him that he should suddenly jump in to having a passionate marriage. Despite the fact that I have no sympathy for the man, :bedmadelie , don't people think he's probably tried to get his 'best friend back'?

Hell, with close friends I'm not in a relationship with, the moment they sprogged, I made a single attempt to keep our connection, failed damn near every time, and just let them go. It's mind-numbing and annoying to listen to anymoo bleating and lowing about diapers and how (insert whatever fantasy you like here) their kids are. Staying married to one? No thanks.
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Dorisan
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Quote
dreamlife
Whatever this guy has done to himself in the name of keeping his wife happy is their problem. But it's not cool that he is dragging other innocent parties into his mess.
More of his tale of woe:

"I'm on my 5th extra-marital girlfriend seeking the attention I've lost, all of which I have to dump within a month or two for fear they - or my wife, will figure it out.

I am the ugly hidden flaw an an outwardly perfect marriage. I'm the jerk who stole a choice, and made the wrong one. Now, my latest girlfriend has fallen in love with me, and I feel something for her. She is like my wife was before children - care free, adventurous and interesting.

In all likelihood, I'm about to break her heart... and go back to my boring life with kids that even the most jaded person would judge me for being discontent with."

The guy sounds like Don Draper Mr. T: I pitty tha foold I'm even getting this picture of him in a dark and smokey bar, holding a cigarette carelessly, occasionally taking a drag on it while looking out to the world with weary, cynical eyes.

The writer is trying to cast himself as a victim of his own sacrifice when he's really just a big whiner. And the wife has to know something is up. I can't believe anyone who is that unhappy and leads such an outside life that he has managed to have five "girlfriends" (I wonder about that. "girlfriend" is an indication of being committed. more like he found five women to cheat with) would not change in such a way that his wife would fail to notice. Unless she's happy with the pasture she's grazing and is agreeable to let her husband drift off in whatever direction suits him.
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navi8orgirl
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Apparently he doesn't want to say affair, though that is what he has been having one after another.

He is a whiner, and the wifey knows but doesn't want to upset the apple cart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."
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CMFree Misanthrope
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Quote
starlady
Now see that .. all you CF people looking for a guy. They are out there... and would be thrilled if a woman said to them "I don't want childen'. Yep.. I bet most guys would be over the moon... I know mine was. I have seen so many poor duhs with that look of disgust on their faces as they haul the moo and her brood around. There are more CF men out there then even THEY know. Some need to be told that the lifescript is not the only route in life.

There are CF guys out there, but most have opted out of trying to find a partner. There just aren't many women who also want that choice, mainly because our society has put mothers on a pedestal making them objects of worship all because they gave birth.

I've opted out, and I'm perfectly happy with that choice.

CMFree Misanthrope
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Zzelda
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
I can't believe I read so much of that. My head hurts now.

I think this guy has issues beyond kids.
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spinstar
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
If you click on that guy's username and go to his profile, his relationship status says "divorced". Guess he figured it out some time in the last five months. Glad I didn't read through all 24 pages of that thread to find out what finally happend. I do wonder whether he initiated it or her.
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dreamlife
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
So dude compromised his lifestyle and wishes to keep his wife, and that didn't work.

Now when he puts himself back out on the dating scene, er, I should say, continues with dating since he never stopped dating even while married, he has to tell his dates that he has children. He seems to like adventurous women who wouldn't want children. He also seems selfish and deceptive, so he probably won't mention the children until several dates in, so he can attempt to lure in the women.
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spinstar
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Skip to the last page of the thread and there's a long, rambling, melodramatic sort of wrap-up from him. Apparently he fell in looove with one of his "girlfriends" and - you'll never believe it - she didn't turn out to be the fantasy woman he thought! Duh.
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navi8orgirl
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
Like the amazing train wreck it was I had to look on:

Turns out the woman he fell in love with was crazy and of course he got obsessed.

About the wifey: There used to be a chemistry that is just gone now. She's still physically beautiful, but I'm not really interested. I look at her and all I see is mom. She acts like a mom, dresses like a mom, talks like a mom... its all mom. Yeah, I get it, she is a mom... but I feel like something is really wrong.

We spent the whole day out and about with the kids and toward the end of the day she said she had a really good day. She came at me that night to give a bj (she's on her period) and I kinda brushed it off. I didn't want it. She does this thing where if I spend a bunch of family time she "rewards" me with something sexual and I'm pretty much sick of it. She's not coming at me because of the moment, or because she's really interested... she's giving the dog a treat for properly fetching. Its so systematic and predictable. f that.

Sorry mawmies....the men are onto you.

Eventually I gave up my Firebird for something more economical, but I had the bikes instead and was racing. Then I gave up racing so we would have extra money to have kid #1 - and because it made sense not to take so many risks if you have to support a wife and kid. I started having problems with family life and was going out more before my emotional affair. She found out, we thought we had it patched up and I stopped going out. Soon she wanted to move closer to family so I gave up the city life for the country life. Then I sold the bikes to help us with a downpayment on our first house when we had kid #2. Then I had a cathartic moment... picked up the kids from daycare in our Prius, went to pick my wife up from work (same company, different buildings) and there I am changing a diaper in the parking lot while my daughter watched land before time. I saw a bunch of bikes roll by, girlfriend or two on the back; one pulls a wheelie... and BOOM the thought hit me: "Wait... when the hell did I become Mr. Brady??" wtf was *I* doing driving a Prius, living in a stereotypical surburban neighborhood in a small city, taking care of a bunch of kids? How the f did this happen?

Well, because you let it happen, silly. Eventually he decided to take charge and bought them new bikes so they can do shit together. Of course she whined about it because that is money for the kyyyyds...

She would complain that I went out and bought new bikes, but I wouldn't buy the big playground set she wanted for the back yard (even though our neighborhood has a very nice brand new playground). And here we are...

Well, as expected, she found out he was creeping by snooping through his cell phone. Then the girlfriend found out the entire story, including his rants against her, because dumbass used the same screen name he used on MySpace. (note to all: never use your everyday screen name for shit like this if you don't want it bounching back to you.)

So wifey found out every ugly detail...and still wanted to stay. They go on a trip for a family function and become those people on an airplane that makes you wish we would install ejection seats...

When the night came, the kids had a meltdown shortly before we were to hand them off to aunt to watch. The frustration destroyed the night for me. I took the kids back to the hotel and nobody ended up going out. More frustration came the next day as we were flying out in the evening. We had to check 6 items. 4 bags and two carseats. My daughter wanted to bring this and that, and then didn't want to carry it. Both kids were whiny the whole day. My son cried on and off for half the flight no matter what we did. My daughter complained repeatedly that she was hungry, after we were on the plane and had no food to give. I was dead tired and seething with anger under the surface.

I packed a backpack and decided to go stay with my gf that night at a local friend of her's place.

One divorce coming right up, he left wife and dumped girlfriend. Then got mad when girlfriend found someone else. Apparently they got back together but she was cheating on him with that someone else. Your relationship was a lie, what do you expect?

Moral of the story: compromising yourself will never get you what you want. As Danny DeVito said in "War of the Roses" dog people should marry dog people and cat people should marry cat people...and CF people need to avoid wannabreeds because you are completely incompatible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."
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raindancemaggie
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 26, 2012
My ex turned out to be a wannabreed. But we did date for three years, and ended up engaged, and we discussed kids after about a month of dating because I make it clear very early on that I never want kids (and in August I have a year of Essure to back me up).

He caved. Bed made lie.

ASIDE: I hate women who use sex as part of mind games. How immature.
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catharsist
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 27, 2012
This is why I brought up the subject of kids very early. Now my boyfriend and I want each other more than a replicant. That's a win for everyone.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
So.. We know that food and water are running out, with overpopulation and all... Yet people keep on poppin' out those babies! I guess they want to have their baby and eat it too...

My top reason is that parenting gives you a free license to be selfish based purely on the fact that you're being selfish for an emanation of your own self. The illusion that what you do to benefit your children benefits them solely is a fallacy. Every parent benefits from the benefits that their children receive. Henceforth, it gives one a license to perpetuate a dog-eat-dog mentality that I perceive to be amoral. Parents say that their children are their greatest loves, what they forget to add is that they are their ONLY loves and only because their children are a reflection of themselves. I prefer to be able to love multiple people and have lasting relationships of many types and possess the essential core value of empathy for all than to restrict myself to an echo chamber of ego-masturbation and self-serving chicanery.

In short: Not parenting makes you a better person.
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bell_flower
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 27, 2012
It never ceases to amaze me that people think it"s a "compromise" to have a kid you don't want.

Compromise is when you agree to eat Mexican because you aren't exactly in the mood for it, but your partner is. You agree to eat mexican food one night and you get to pick next time.

When you kill your soul for someone else, that's not compromise; it's murder.

My soul is not up for compromise.
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t.
Re: Dude predicted his own future and didn't try to change it sad smiley
July 27, 2012
And there are kids who are suffering. It isn't their fault their breeders are IDIOTS.

_______________________

“I was talking about children that have not been properly house-trained. Left to their own impulses and indulged by doting or careless parents almost all children are yahoos. Loud, selfish, cruel, unaffectionate, jealous, perpetually striving for attention, empty-headed, for ever prating or if words fail them simply bawling, their voices grown huge from daily practice: the very worst company in the world. But what I dislike even more than the natural child is the affected child, the hulking oaf of seven or eight that skips heavily about with her hands dangling in front of her -- a little squirrel or bunny-rabbit -- and prattling away in a baby's voice.”


― Patrick O'Brian, The Truelove


lib'-er-ty: the freedom given to you to make the wrong decision, based on the reasoned belief that you will normally make the right one.
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