Cow Wanders Back out of her Pen STRAIGHT Towards the Slaughter House FRIDAY, AUGUST 17, 2012
When Words Try to Hurt
WARNING! Please do not go back and respond to the comments I'm going to post about. Please respect my wishes for Lily's blog to not be a warzone of hateful words between one another. I am merely making this post to share the process I went through and how healing occurred from it, to share that because it is a beautiful feeling.
Awwwwww, she turned the mean hateful childless peoples' comments into a healing session. She probably locked herself in a room for two days, leaving the childcare all to Dave(on his ONLY days off) with scented candles, some Yoga, soothing self help tape playing in the back ground (FIND A HAPPY PLACE-FIND A HAPPY PLACE!), Guru books scattered about, and chugged down a case of Dom Pérignon someone sent her a "gift card" for, since now she's claiming no one ever sent her cash in the mail, just "gift cards".:drkbddy
For the past two days, I have been bombarded by some pretty seething comments regarding my "Hateful Words" post. While I don't like these comments, I have to say that I respect each and every person's right to have such comments. This is a blog. It is a public forum, I must accept that everyone does not hold the same opinion that I have, and that is why I have chosen not to delete what Anonymous (all but one of them) has said.
Well, that kind of response is to BE EXPECTED when someone self righteously starts (AND CONTINUES) the "debate" by challenging a stranger on the internet to what amounts to a virtual dual and by calling them ugly names and using "hurtful words" FIRST and IN public. I can quote scripture and philosophy too, and the following are some verses you should read and think about carefully before calling people heartless, cowards, hurtful, cruel, etc........again:Matthew 7:1-5 (King James Version)
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye..
What these Anonymous commenters don't understand is that their words didn't hurt me that much. I'm sure they wanted them to, but they didn't. It was more the situation. Sure, I wanted to reply back with some biting, sarcastic remark, but I just finished reading a book about Desmond Tutu, and I highly value the way that he handled conflict and epitomizes the ubuntu philosophy where "A person is a person through other persons" and that person knows that
"he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed, or treated as if they were less than who they are" (No Future Without Forgiveness, by Desmond Tutu). I have admired this philosophy for years and have struggled to cultivate it within myself since learning about it. Perhaps it is through encounters such as this where my greatest cultivation occurs.
Which you did the EXACT opposite of when you chastised me on the world wide web and my comment was NOT directed at YOU personally or made on your boring blog either. .Quoting philosophy and living it are two entirely different things. You violate so many Christian beliefs too whch are considered sins that it's absurd including, but not limited to, greed, gluttony, gossip, pride(HOW many times do you actually SAY "proud" anyway?), arrogance, boastful,bitterness, returning insults, deception, fraud, complaining, among many others.Here was my biggest problem. I felt misunderstood. I know. I know. I shouldn't worry about that, but as a writer, I strive for clarity. These people posting these comments just didn't get it. And that bothered me. I wanted to respond to tell them that they got it all wrong. But you see, their words seemed hateful to me, and I knew my responses would sound the same. I thought about Martin Luther King Jr.'s quote "Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that," and so I tried to think of nice things I could say. Kill them with kindness, my mom would say. Still, I struggled. Dave suggested that I just keep quiet, but the problem is that I cannot keep words inside of me. Honestly, I don't like to write, but I need to write! Keeping it inside of me is a dagger that won't stop twisting.
The "dagger" you feel twisting inside you is GUILT. You have guilt over your selfishness to continue exposing Lilly to pain and suffering and guilt over fraudulently receiving public assistance when you have admitted, on your "public" blog, HOW you live a rather lavish and privileged lifestyle, by most anyone's standards, and then come back and LIE about it!!!! All the while you are accepting well meaning peoples' CASH donations, which you ADMIT to receiving checks in the mail, openly discuss what you purchase with THE MONEY, and then when called out on it you change your story to people ONLY sent gift cards, which is an outright lie! As if all that isn't enough, THEN you turn everything around and blame other people for your own selfish actions. So a struggle ensued. This was not so much about them and me as it was about me against myself. If I didn't really want to respond hatefully, and I couldn't respond silently, and the kind words weren't there, what was I to do? Could I really not get in touch with that peaceful place and respond appropriately?
What was my inability to respond with kind words saying about my beliefs as a Christian? Why could I not respond in a way I know Tutu would respond? (Silly thought, I know.)
Quoting Jesus, Tutu, FuFu, or whoever, won't change the fact your are selfish, arrogant, a liar, and thief. Maybe you should paste a sticky emoticon on your blog that reads, "WWTTD"???? (What Would TuTu Do) .I'm sure the negative posters delighted in my struggle. They are probably sitting back right now, in self-congratulatory mode, thinking that they have won. What they don't know is that they won't win because I embrace struggles and recognize them as a chance to grow. Currently, I am reading Aleph by Paulo Coelho (perhaps by the grace of God I am reading this book), and just last night I read this:
"What hurts us is what heals us." Exactly! Those seven simple words gave me renewed strength, and my fight began.
Well then,you ought to be good and healed by now and can probably expect some MORE healing words to come your way too, as long as you keep the embers smoldering on this old dead horse.z
The problem then became "how do I allow this healing?" because I still had the problem of keeping silent. Part of my plan became that instead of giving them my negative energy, I would give someone well-deserving my positive energy. A few Sundays ago, in church, a little eight-year-old girl was sitting in the pews a few rows ahead of us. Towards the end of the service, she looked back at Lily, and she had the most endearing, the purest, look. It was full of compassion and there was not one single sense of disability in her eyes. It was all I could do not to cry. I complimented her to her mother, which was very meaningful to her mother. I had been meaning to email her mom and praise the little girl again, but never did. This little girl's look held my hope these past few days, so I resolved to email her mom and explain the situation and praise the little girl even more. That resolve was step one, and I emailed the mom this morning.
Aawwwww,, aren't YOU the thoughtful one! I have always found that the TRUE saints and doers of "pay it forward" good deeds in this world TEND to do things like that behind the scenes and don't go around bragging about it! It's a lot more impressive, to me, to find out another way when someone has done something really kind or selfless. An anonymous gift card for the child would have been something I would have done instead, with a little note that said, "You are so sweet! Remember that kind gestures and your smile are always important to people, even if you don't know it!" That would have left her wondering what she had done and eager to continue being kind than some thoughtless email you shot off to her mom. Step two involved trying a few things. I tried crying my frustration out. There are times when crying is very cathartic for me, but this was not one of those times.
I tried washing those words away with a nice, hot shower. This pregnancy leaves my skin itchy, and showers help. That's about all that shower helped, though it did give me the idea for step three. And, of course, I did try praying. Let's just say that I know my prayer life desperately needs to improve. Unfortunately, none of those worked single-handedly, but I do give credit and say that they all helped get me there.
YOU ARE PREGNANT AGAIN? You have a 22 and 21 year old GROWN CHILDREN, so you have GOT to be in your 40's!!!!!! Every time you have a baby, at your age, you are placing that child AT RISK, which Lilly is living proof!!!!! This is undeniably one of THE most irresponsible and selfish things I do believe I have EVER HEARD! What is WRONG with you? Don't you EVER want for it to be just you and your husband again during your "golden years"? WHY are you on this baby making campaign after your kids are grown and you are knocking on the back door of 50 and are MIDDLE AGED? You will have had FOUR BABIES in nearly as many years AND you don't work anymore! Don't you think Dave will finally wear out from working THREE JOBS? What if this next baby has Trisomy 18 or Downs? It will TOTALLY be your fault if the child IS disabled!!!! fuck
I went to bed, able to sleep, and woke up this morning feeling quite refreshed. I tried thinking about those posts, but my mind just wouldn't let me do it. Another post came in, and I just laughed when I read it. None of those words went to my heart, and I didn't feel the need to respond (except I did want to make one correction, but I didn't, and I was amazed at the 54-year-old who made the comment because I think of the maturity the 54-year-olds I know have that this person could use).
Lady, you are VERY immature for your age and again, go back and read the scripture I posted above. ANYONE who could continue to have babies with so much at risk for her child is not only immaturely living in a fantasy world,but is in serious need of professional help BEYOND what TuTu can offer, I am afraid.:crz
And here's the last thing: the other day, I was listing to Beth Moore on the radio, one of her Quick Word broadcasts. I believe she was talking about her daughter, but she may have been talking about one of her listeners. She was talking about criticism, and she basically said that you have to know yourself to handle criticism. You have to know when to accept it and you have to know when it's not right. What these commenters don't understand is that there may be areas where I feel insignificant and insecure, but where they hit me, well, those are my most secure areas! In trying to be hurtful, they were only helpful because they allowed me to do a little self-searching and realize that therein is where my strengths lie. I AM a good mother, I AM a good person,
Blah blah blah, "I THINK I can, I THINK I can", SUCH hippie horse shit.:BS
I stand firmly behind my decision to allow Lily to experience life and will defend that decision to the end, and I am NOT perfect. (Never claimed to be.) All of us are children of God, and that includes Lily, and not all people believe this. They don't have to. But Lily doesn't know that. What she knows is that there are plenty of people out there who love her, and that's all she needs to know. So in a way, I thank these readers for their comments. In my opinion, they weren't nice, but their words made me stronger and only confirmed that "what hurts us is what heals us."
Of course you will! It's not like you can reverse your selfish decision NOW! You OWE it to her to continue to make her short life as painless and joyous as possible, under the horrific circumstances YOU allowed to happen! Psychologically, for you to admit what you've done is wrong, might be more than you can bear because I know it would for ME and I, of course, am "heartless", so I'd imagine a saint like yourself probably would keel over with guilt should for some bizarre reason you ever admit the truth to yourself. We KNOW you contemplated termination, it's well documented in your early blog while you were still pregnant with her, and you even mentioned how you didn't know if you could let her suffer too! It's ALL in there, YOU wrote it, so go BACK and read it!
YOU KNEW in advance she would suffer and went on and let it happen anyway and then played Russian Roulette with Zilla and now, AGAIN, with another child's life you place at risk by getting pregnant when you are nearing menopause and your eggs are probably half rotten! So don't tell ME, or anyone else, how saintly you are and are self righteously standing behind your decision to inflict pain and suffering on a poor child who had no choice in the matter. STOP acting like anyone expects no one to love Lily NOW that she's here, when that is NOT THE POINT, at all and I think you know it! The ISSUE here isn't showing Lily love NOW, but the fact you purposely and knowingly allowed her to be born for selfish reasons when you were well aware she would suffer continuously, never understand why, and then die.:headbrick
Not only that, but this continuing on with the PAINFUL "life" prolonging surgeries and horrific treatments that only EXTEND her suffering! It isn't easy to let someone we love die and just provide them with palliative care and not allow "heroics" like forcing them to continue to breath, undergo painful surgeries or procedures, and maintain a pulse,causing FURTHER pain and suffering and ZERO quality of life!!! I know because I have had to do it, but it is the BEST THING for the person we love when their continuing to "live"(if you can call that type of existence living) is painful and an early or soon approaching death is inevitable .I wouldn't put any one of my many animals through that type of pain and since mothers are supposed to possess a magical bond like no other, I can't imagine how you can allow this to continue to your poor innocent child.
What YOU are doing is easy, the hard part is letting go because it's BEST for the one we love, and you call me a coward? Well, "Hello Mrs. Pot, meet Mrs Kettle".THIS is the issue, NOT YOU or your stupid little blog and attention seeking aspirations to be inducted into the Moo-Martyrdom Hall of Shame, which is exactly where you belong. You are the poster child for SELFISH mothers who pretend to be saintsAaaaahhhhh.
AT least YOU can breathe easy and don't have to be on oxygen, suffer from recurring bouts of pneumonia, and be taken to the hospital every other week for respiratory treatments because you are PROFOUNDLY disabled in nearly every single organ you have, including your lungs! AGAIN, I cannot express how much it means to me that you not go back and make comments regarding those comments. I am healed and today is a beautiful day, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to not give these people any of your energy, but to find a way to heal and grow from their words instead. Besides, I do not need any affirmations, and That. Feels. Good!
WHERE is it you are "warning" your handful of followers to NOT post comments? On here, over there, on today's ridiculous blog post, back over on the "hurtful words" one, where? What are you now, the Martyr-Moo internet police? "Don't post that THERE, but DO post this HERE, but don't say THIS, and do say THAT". God, I'd be willing to bet Dave is about to pull his hair out over the whining and carrying on you have NO DOUBT been doing for the past two days.:
:bawl:ds
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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!