Girlfriend wants child or break up

My girlfriend of 4 years, living together for the last three, announced a year ago that she wanted to have children one day. Honestly, we never talked about it before, so neither of us really knew about our directions. We probably should have talked earlier, but hindsight is twenty/twenty, and doesn't matter at this point.

We decided to delay a bit, continue together, and allow time to make a decision on what I wanted for sure (and I assume some thought on her part as well).

Well now she has layed down an ultimatum that either I commit to children, or we have to break up. She cries about it, and tells me how she truly loves me. I've already planted the idea that I do not want children, and I think she realizes that it is going to be a problem.

It doesn't help that her mother is relentless on having grandchildren. She even told her that it would be OK if she was a single mom. There is no rational thinking on her part at all, except this odd passion that she must have one.

Our entire lifestyle, and what brings us together, revolves around outdoor activities. Every spring we head down to the desert and camp every single nice weather day. Last weekend, we went cross country skiing together, and she said that she wants to go every weekend we can. When we are just around the house, both of us get more edgy, but when we are out and about, we both relax and be more of what we truly are.

I don't think she realizes the reality of the situation with children. We will absolutely not be able to do these kinds of things if we have a child, at least for quite a few years. Maybe once in a while, but not often. There will be huge responsibilities, and little time for us in any way.

I also don't think she realizes the entire financial side of things as well. She owes quite a bit of college debt, and works in a non-profit. I also work a computer job, which can have quite demanding hours. My life would become nothing but work and taking care of children. I can not see this radical change as making either of us happy.

It also tears me apart, however, that I have to basically say yea or nea to this relationship, based on my willingness to completely change my way of life. I know in my heart that I must not do this, but it is awfully hard to break up in such a matter of fact/hard line way.

I know the answer down in my heart, that I can not cave into the pressure. Has anyone else been there, and how did you deal with it? How did it turn out?

Looking for support,

Jim

Jim:

No good will come of this situation if you decide to have kids but do not really want them. it isn't fair to you, nor is it fair to your gf. If you decide to go ahead and have kids anyway just to please and/or keep your gf, you will more than likely grow to resent your life and everyone in it. You sound like an intelligent young man, and I am certain you love your gf, but it going to take alot more than love to make sure this relationship lasts.

Much luck to you in this situation. I am sure you will come to the right decision.

what i would suggest is that you borrow a child for a weekend, and experience the life you will have, and then say it will go further its everyday. that she wouldnt be able to go out at all.

its a hard decision.. but she has a happy clappy idea of having a child and the sooner you can show her the truth.. the better

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

The only loser in this will be the child.
Get out... NOW..
you will not grow to 'wuuuv the kid'.
she is merely acting the 'bitch in heat' routine. once she is carrying you will become the walking wallot
and then her head will be so far up the kids ass she will totally ignore you.... until she wants to sprog again, and then she'll be the 'bih' again.
RUN

Two Cents beat me to it...

Run like a bat out of hell! No amount of convincing will make anyone decide against a child if that is what they want to do...even borrowing a kid for a weekend as another suggested.

Take her on her ultimatum and break up. You do not need the hassle. She says she is okay for single motherhood. That means she is willing to get pregnant and THEN get your ass for child support.

You know what your girlfriend wants and what she will do to get it.

If it is her place where you are living, get out. If the place is yours, tell her to move. If you are renting together and are both on the lease, be willing to pay off your end of this legal document; it will be cheaper than a baby.

You are going to do what you are going to do. Think long and hard before living with someone again unless you plan to marry this person...and have had a vasectomy. I advise women to protect themselves against pregnancy. Men need to be pro-active as well.

You know what will happen if she gets pregnant on "accident". If the woman is pro-choice, she will suddenly be wailing how she cannot kill that tiny, tiny baby and you will be fucked in more ways than one for life.

Dump her asap. She wants kids, she'll get them, one way or another and if she has an 'accident' while with you, you'll be lumbered.

Run Forest Run

amethusos* Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Two Cents beat me to it...
>
> Run like a bat out of hell! No amount of
> convincing will make anyone decide against a child
> if that is what they want to do...even borrowing a
> kid for a weekend as another suggested.

Yeah, I kind of have to agree with that. I think she has a fantasy idea of what bringing up kids will be like vs. the lifestyle changes necessary to do that. She sees some of our friends bring their kids down to the desert for a single camping trip a year, but forgets that they are all now 4+, and that is their one trip a year. She also seems to not see the massive effort they go through to do this. If we had a kid, we are not going to be taking a baby camping all of the time. It will have to be quite a planned event, with much more hassle than we have now. Changing diapers in the middle of the desert without a shower/bathroom/lots of water is not going to be a lot of fun over a whole weekend....

>
> Take her on her ultimatum and break up. You do not
> need the hassle. She says she is okay for single
> motherhood. That means she is willing to get
> pregnant and THEN get your ass for child support.

That was not her, actually, but her mom encouraging her. My gf at least realizes that that is not an option. She is actually a lot more rational than her mom, but that is not saying much given how grandkid crazy she is.

That said, I know I have to do exactly that. It's just tough when you have put the time into things, and you are basically suddenly held ransom for her and a child, or the end of the relationship. That alone kind of answers my question. It doesn't make it any easier, though.

>
> You know what your girlfriend wants and what she
> will do to get it.
>
> If it is her place where you are living, get out.
> If the place is yours, tell her to move. If you
> are renting together and are both on the lease, be
> willing to pay off your end of this legal
> document; it will be cheaper than a baby.

No problems there. I own the house and everything has always been in my name. I already pay all of the bills, so there is not even anything to change there. That is why I think the reality of the world is going to come down hard on here, since she has already been basically financially dependent on me. I am amazed someone would give up her very well taken care of position (live in a really nice home right next to three ski resorts) just in the perception of what life with kids would be like. It is obviously completely based on biological drive. It boggles my mind.

I know I am selfish in that I want to continue this lifestyle, but why shouldn't I be selfish about what I have earned, and would like to do with it rather than spending it all on a child. I think in that case, it is OK to be selfish. That said, I volunteer in the community on search and rescue, and other such things. I couldn't see those continuing with a child either. Can you imagine taking off at 2am, coming back at some random time, with a baby at home?

>
> You are going to do what you are going to do.
> Think long and hard before living with someone
> again unless you plan to marry this person...

Well I already went through a divorce, so I do not plan to every 'marry' again. That does not mean I do not want a lifetime relationship, but just not all the baggage that comes with a 'legal wedding' now adays which does not do anything for the financially advantaged one. I don't believe that piece of paper is worth much anymore. People stay together when they DECIDE to stay together. It's really as simple as that.

> and
> have had a vasectomy. I advise women to protect
> themselves against pregnancy. Men need to be
> pro-active as well.

Already being proactive on that one myself. No vasectomy, but using multiple forms of birth control that we both have control over and is visible. I don't want a decision made for me.

I know I have to do it. There is always that little side of you that wonders a little bit. I have zero plans to go that way, but it helps to hear some encouragment and experiences. It's not like I will receive any of that living in Utah from anyone here.....

Jim

Hi Jim,
Sorry to hear you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation. I did not want a kid. He did. My ex even told me very early in our relationship that he did not want to have a kid. I was like “Woo-hoo!” He had a change of heart, though. He thought I would just “come around.” We broke up, and I’m glad it worked out that way. Although at the time, I was beside myself. He ended up getting engaged to a foreign girl he had known for ten days after we had been broken up for like three months. (Now mind you, I had known him for seven years!) When I found that out, I was so relieved such a person who only considered me something to check off a list was out of my life!

You could take mercurior’s idea into consideration and set up a situation where you take care of a kid for a while, although this could backfire on you. IMO, it’s virtually impossible to reason with someone who is foaming at the mouth to have a baby. Here’s the thing. It does not matter why she is baby rabid. Yes, her family may be pushing her. But baby rabid is baby rabid is baby rabid. You are in dangerous territory here. Be careful, Jim. Do what is best for you, first and foremost, but you already know what that is. You'll always find support for your CFness here, dude. Good luck.

I repeat runnn
Even if you use birth control 10 ways from sunday, she may go out and find a bar room daddy, then turn and blame you.
You may be stuck for the dumb broads pregnancy expenses until she sprogs and 'oh, the dna doesn't match... sooorreeee...'. then try and recoup the money from the poor little girl.
I really do not think single motherhood is tops for kids either, so she isn't gonna do any child any favor imo, so if you cannot leave the premises anytime soon, at least go sleep on the couch until you can get out.

even if the dna doesnt match theres a chance you will be still claimed as the father.

http://www.reason.com/news/show/29035.html

jim read this article.. it is risky the borrow a kid. but it can work out, i knew i didnt want one, but i didnt KNOW until i spent a month with 2 of them. then my sex drive really went by choice..

risky but sometimes you need to find her motivations, if she still wants a child, then run.. if she doesnt ok, but be careful..

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

I've seen that reason article before.

In all honestly, that guy royally screwed up. Whenever sent any kind of information request like that from the government, at a minimum respond with registered mail. I once had the IRS accuse me of being late with my filing. They wanted to charge me interest and such. Fortunately, I sent it registered mail and could prove that it was sent on that date.

If I ever received anything like the paper in that article, I would be at a lawyers doorstep the very next day. That was not smart on his part. That said, it is crazy that it couldn't all be cleaned up with a simple paternity test. You would think that a court would try and use reasonable judgement in a case like this. It IS California, though :-).

Don't worry. If any kids 'showed up', I would not sign the birth certificate, and would demand a DNA test right away. Honestly, I don't believe she would pull something like that, though. That would be very suprising for me.

Jim

but at least you are prepared now, you know things like that could happen.. its a scary world out there for men.

babie rabies can grow over time into an irrational need for a kid, and they will justify it, just be totally aware..

i say borrow a kid for the weekend..it cant hurt at least u will know one way or the other.. good luck.. i even read one parent.. poking a hole in their sons condoms, just so she could be a grandmother. it was all jusitified in her mind

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

jimo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Don't worry. If any kids 'showed up', I would not
> sign the birth certificate, and would demand a DNA
> test right away. Honestly, I don't believe she
> would pull something like that, though. That
> would be very suprising for me.

PLEASE don't assume that she would not "pull something like that"...

A lot of men...and women...often think their significant other/spouse would not do them dirty but end up being in for the shocks of their lives.

My mate married overseas the second time around believing how a different culture would keep the wife from wanting multiple relationships during a marriage as his first wife demanded as well as the lower rate of divorce in the country where he met Wife #2.

Little did he know he was in for another major scam. Wife #2 left him in the exact same manner that Wife #1 did and got a huge chunk of his assets. Thankfully, there were NO children with either marriage.

However, it was horrible for my mate to realise how his second wife -- who was supposedly from a "better" people -- used his first divorce that he told her about as a primer on how to leave him and take him to the $$$ cleaners. It is still a wound to realise how almost a decade of his life was a fraud.

Be very careful. You never really know what someone is capable of...especially since your girlfriend is dependent on you financially. You think she wants to give THAT up so easily despite you not wanting those babies???

http://intentionsknown.net/

http://intentionsknown.net/Men.html

all about oopsers


Talking to your partner about your feelings is not a cure-all or a guarantee that you will not be oopsed, but communicating can let you know where you stand. Knowledge is power, and nothing is more powerful than knowing your partner's mindset, except perhaps the aforementioned vasectomy.

If your partner is determined to have children and on their schedule, not one you devise together, then you should seriously consider whether it is in your best interest, or theirs, for you to remain together. Having children is not an issue where anyone should need to compromise. For men, children represent an incredible financial burden over which they have control and likewise sizeable emotional investment, neither of which should be obtained through deception or coercion. Doing so breeds resentment and, obviously, unwanted children.

If your partner cannot understand these negative outcomes, including the breach of trust involved here, you may be better off without her.

You should also be prepared to accept any reassurances with a grain of salt.

Having said, honest communication can be incredibly powerful. If you learn now that your life goals are incompatible, you will both be spared more heartache and recrimination than if children, especially unwanted children, were involved

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7024930/

Phillips accuses Dr. Sharon Irons of a “calculated, profound personal betrayal” after their affair six years ago, saying she secretly kept semen after they had oral sex, then used it to get pregnant.

in her mind this was justified

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

amethusos
Jimo,listen to amethusos... you have no idea the depths a baby-rabid woman will descend to.
"Oh, she'd never do that..."
You will be called 'daddy' if you persist in this fantasy

we hope ur partner isnt like these women. thats why i say borrow one then if she still wants one RUN like the very hounds of hell are after you.

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

Check out babycenter.com for proof that women will indeed stoop this low. Find some discussion threads of women who are looking for support to oops their partners. The horrifying thing is that these women think they are doing nothing wrong. They don’t see it as a violation of trust. They view the man as the wrong party. Even more appalling is that a lot of women respond with “Go for it, girl!” It’s sickening. In their minds, they are entitled to that baby even when the men have expressed their contrary attitudes from the get-go.

Jim:

RUN. Run, run, run, run,run. Before she "oopses" you. Run.

Seriously. Get going.

That hussy does NOT care about YOU.

She just wants to use you as a sperm donor.

So get the HELL out BEFORE she does the "oops!" on you or the baybeeeee will keep you down forever!

(Not sure if you're 100% childfree by choice, BTW.)

Yes, I am child free by choice. I'm 38, and led a VERY active life so far. I have many accomplishments, hobbies, and interests that keep my life fulfilled. I haven't felt the need to have a child in order to 'complete' anything. It really just seems like there is so much more out there.

Plus my goal (as most have) is to stop working. I don't want to work until my late years, as I want to enjoy myself. I feel a child will definitely (at this point especially) mean that I will likely work until I am 60. I don't want to wait that long to be free of the shackles of work. I've explained that to her, but I don't think she feels any sympathy, since she will not be the one on the hook for providing for the family. She gets what she wants, and I get to support it. I have not received any response back on this comment, just a sad looking face.

Wow, that babycenter place is truly scary. Women are complaining because their husbands do not want a THIRD child, after already giving them two??? WTF??? That is the most absurd thing I have ever seen. My favorite is definitely how they pretty much assume their husbands/partners are stupid. I mean if they think that if they leave birth control to me, that means they will end up pregnant, they didn't marry the sharpest tool in the shed. I kept reading how BC was basically being used as a bargaining chip, and men just wouldn't be able to handle it. I've managed for quite a few years (and a 1 year marriage), to not have a child using my own birth control methods... Jeez. It definitely did wake me up a bit to how crazy women can get about having a child. I had no idea.

So I figure I am just going to plain lay it on the line what my concerns are. That is only fair to her. I doubt that there will be anything there to address, but I do owe her the chance. We have been together for four years. I don't just want to run, but I will walk my way out. After reading that babycenter, I can't imagine it will get any better. I only imagine the pressure to have children would get worse, as I get older and my other concerns grow even more prevalent.

Its so sad that so many people are brainwashed into life without a child is meaningless. There is so much to do, so much to see, and so much help you can give to others, if you are not caught up in raising your own child.... I don't at all believe it is a waste of a life...

Well, I guess the next couple of weeks are going to be a rough one. I am not looking forward to these discussions at all. I know it will be all tears and why's and whatfor's.

Sigh,

Jim

Jim:

You are going to be oopsed. Your girlfriend has already planned that out and her mother is probably telling her how to proceed.

Get out now. There is no sense in delayed the inevitable.

As many others have said, you will not love the child, but instead resent both it and the moo for lying and deceit.

Jim,

You seem like you have a really good head on your shoulders, and that you have a very rich, fulfilling life. Good for you!

I really think for your own happiness (which is the most important kind) you leave this woman. I know it will be hard, but do it and do it NOW, before she can "oops" you. Because, believe me, a woman with her kind of mindset WILL. Something happens to women when they want a baby and it makes them absolutely batshit. I'm a woman myself and I will never understand it.

And, in the meantime, don't let her anywhere NEAR your supply of condoms or whatever it is you use for birth control. If you don't use condoms now, start. You cannot rely on her anymore for any kind of birth control precautions.

Good luck!

Jim,

I had to jump in here and put in my $0.02

Unlike many of the women here, I actually HAVE been through baby rabies and come out happily childfree on the other side. How did this happen, you may ask? It was my husband who was primarily responsible for it. With children, that is really where the rubber hits the road in a relationship. He gave me an ultimatum: either a baby or him. I had to think long and hard about the relationship and what it meant to me. In the end, I made the right choice and now I can honestly say that I am happy, I don't miss not having kids at all and I love my husband all the more for sticking to his guns.

Speaking as someone who has been there, it isn't hormones that causes it, it's the influence of other women in your life, particularly the mother or any other woman whom she loves and respects. In my case, there was also a so-called "friend" in my life who was responsible for a good bit of it: as soon as I got her out of my life, much of the baby rabies went away! Yes, it was that much of a dramatic "night and day" thing!

I clearly remember a defining moment in my own life when I was visiting my mom and she started whining about not having any grandkids. That was the straw that broke the camel's back and I told her, loudly and in front of witnesses, that if she said that in front of me ONE MORE TIME, that she could consider us estranged (which was extreme since we were and still are close). I never heard her whine about grandkids again and ever since and she has also been respectful of my choice. Also worth noting is that since Mom had such a need to be around little kids, she volunteers as the director of the "Training Choir" of 4 to 7 year olds in her church and likely is helping to instill a lifelong love of music in them. I'm very proud of her for doing that and I don't think she would have gotten so involved with the choir if she had grandkids.

If you both decide to stay together and not have kids, you will both need to confront her mother about this behavior, or else she will continue to play your GF like a fiddle and continue to cause misery. Ever since the incident with my own mother, I have taken the attitude with people, "I am CF. This is me. If you have any love or respect for me as a person then you will respect my choice or get the hell out of my life. Take me or leave me." It's also worth noting that I NEVER get bingoed anymore. :yeah

And there you have it, that is my advice to you. Assert yourself and stick to your guns. You may well want to remind her of the good times you have had and why you got together in the first place. What is it that you have that other guys don't that keeps her with you? Is it worth losing all that to a difficult, uncertain and unhappy existence as a single mother? Ultimately, that is a decision that she will need to make.

Nonetheless, as someone who has been through the Baby Rabies Hell and survived, I will concur with my fellow CF'ers that this IS a very dangerous time for you. Whatever the reasons for it, your GF is not in her right mind. Assuming she is a normal, fertile female, she will oops you if given the chance, so don't give it to her. My own advice to you would be to use a little willpower and DON'T TOUCH HER until you get this situation resolved, one way or another. She can't get preggers if you don't provide sperm. Yes, I know that sucks, but temporary celibacy won't kill you, and think of the alternative, my friend.

Good luck

RUN, seriously, she WILL opps you, even if she calms down and tells you she "understands" and wants to pick you over the "babyeee" she WILL OPPS you, I need to be blunt here. You need to get out. SHE WANTS a babyeee and your going to be her wallet. she wants to trap you to pay for it, as she is already used to you paying for her life for 4 years. She wants what she wants and nothing will stop her. I dont care what she tells you about changing her mind. RUN RUN RUN. 2 years from now you wont even remember her middle name and you will still be enjoying your awesome CF life!! Look her up in 2 yrs, she will have a baybbeee (maybe 2) and a single moo............RUN RUN