December tales from the Commode

Haven't done one of these for a few months - damn, I've been slacking! Let's go see what shenanigans our favorite cattle have been up to lately.

Buyer's Remorse

:crz Moo who has "a long history of depression and suicidal ideation" decided it would be fabulous to have a baby. In her words, she is proud of herself for not drowning her loaf in a bathtub or dumping it at a fire station. Duh is rarely home because he "travels." Ten bucks says she commits suicide before the kid turns 2. But aren't babies supposed to make life worth living and fix all problems you've ever had?
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1368885/actually-im-finding-mothering-to-be-a-thankless-an-exhausting-task-and-sometimes-i-want-to-kill-myself

r Another Moo with buyer's remorse. She claims she does not have an urge to harm her child, but that she must resist the urge to do things like squeeze her loaf to shut it up or drop it on the floor. Must be her loaf is rubber and things like vice grip hugs and throwing it down like a sack of potatoes don't hurt it.
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1367583/post-may-trigger-ppd-rage-and-triggered-by-baby-please-help


When I Was Your Age, An F Was A Failing Grade

:headbrick Stupid asshole teen doesn't want to go to school, but managed to pass from 8th to 9th grade with all F's because "repeating a grade would be emotionally crippling." It's the father writing this topic and is considering boot camp or military school if Junior doesn't shape up. Junior is on a waiting list to see a shrink - only 5 months to go to see the doctor.
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1368106/14yr-old-son-does-everything-he-can-do-not-do-school


Good, Stable Relationships

:baybie1 Duh cheats behind Moo's back because he doesn't feel wanted while she wrangles the loaves. Turns out he had a loaf with the side dish long after claiming the affair was over. While having little to do with his and his wife's kids, he plays a very active role in his bastard child's life. When asked about Side Dish and Bastardina, Duh says, "It doesn't concern you." What a good husband.
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1367731/omg-she-had-his-baby


Non-Discipline Follies

Four-year-old girl doing overly sexual things like flashing her bits to people, wanting to sit on adult male relatives' laps and calling them "boyfriends," and grabbing at other people's junk. Mother seems to think someone at the girl's play therapy (WTF is that?) is the abuser, but no investigation has occurred because the girl's therapist says a child that age is not credible. I'm kinda torn on this one - on one hand, Moo is *possibly* paying to send her child back to the abuser regularly and won't bother trying to find out more. On the other hand, if the girl has not been abused, Moo is asking how to gently deal with a problem that requires actual discipline.
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1369681/ideas-on-discipline-for-a-sexually-acting-out-child-we-believe-a-result-of-abuse

eyes2 What are GD Moos' opinions on time-outs? First response is, "I am not a fan of punishment in general" because it causes a victim complex in the child. Then they wonder why their kids are unholy, shrieking, violent brats.
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1365411/what-are-your-views-on-timeout-as-a-discipline-method


Never Too Poor To Buy Organic

Crunchy all-organic Moos discussing grocery budgets. Is it really fucking necessary to spend $1200 a MONTH to feed Duh, Moo, and two children on an entirely or mostly organic diet?
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1368776/if-you-buy-almost-all-organic-what-is-your-monthly-budget

:sx Broke-ass Moo is asking how to make homemade lube. Since, you know, if you can't afford a $5 bottle of lube, of COURSE you should be fucking and possibly bringing another human into the world. I suppose it's possible there will not be a male to help enjoy said lube and/or it's for anal, but knowing Moos, it's for unprotected vaginal, hetero fucking. And WTF a lube recipe using corn starch? Sounds like a yeast party waiting to happen.
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1368024/homemade-lube


Healthy Alternatives To Ebil Autism-Causing, Baby-Killing Vaccinations

:crz "What's a good age to intentionally expose kids to chicken pox?" So they can maybe get shingles as adults too.
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1369624/minmum-age-for-intentional-chicken-pox-exposure

I like these installments and I've missed them. Entertaining crop this month.

wink

jbs

So far I just read the "Home made lube" one -

Um, NO.

All I can say is - it's a good thing I ate that chicken salad sammich earlier.

From the "Good Stable Relationships" one ~

Here's a comment from some other Cow on that thread, lamenting her own troubles ~

Quote
A Cow and her Stud
now, picture ex being 6' tall, 350lbs, showering once every 2 weeks and no longer wearing deo, refusing to cut his finger and toe nails for long periods because he was convinced it would cause him to get nail fungus. we live in texas.....so he REAKED, had long(ish) nails always rimmed in black dirt, and kept getting mrsa staph infections.

Sounds like a lovely, wonderful gent, doesn't he? I am consumed with jealousy.

And this dairy animal is willing to screw an unwashed, grimy, smegma encrusted pecker? r

A comment from the first "buyers remorse" one ~

Quote
It's all about the LURVE!
i havent read your whole post yet and i will. i remember in the beginning trying to figure out what this 'being a mother' thing was all about. At the newborn stage, i was mostly so exhausted, i didnt have the time nor mental energy to event think about it, to 'stop and smell the roses' as i put it. I was sleep deprived, and exhausted from the birth and the breastfeeding, and the whole adjustment of losing my former life. At some point in the first
year (probably when ds started to sleep better, and he was compared to other babies his age a long sleeper), things began to clear a little, but i still had no answer, to what this thing called mothering was all about. Then things changed, ds started crawling, solids, then walking, then it was the whole looking for playmates thing, then the 'when will he talk' thing, then preschool (which i avoided as long as i could) in short, mothering kept changing, it changed so fast, i still coudlnt figure out what it was all about.

At any given moment, i was exhausted, i had given up my former life, i only had 10 precent of my energy left for anything other than mothering (now there is only .5% left)

7 years later, and with 2 more children, the only answer i can think of, to what is this thing called mothering, is that it is love. I love them inconditionally, and they love me. Much of the rest is hard work, sometimes its fun. Many times it is downright mundane. But i wouldnt change a thing.


It will get better.

OK, the OP is talking about jumping off bridges and shizz, and this Cow is attempting to spin turds into Unicorns and Rainbows?

Yeah. That should work.

I've missed these, Cambion! Just skimmed through your post and will read more when I have time but all I have to say is: I LOVE MY CF LIFE MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY. I mean, how the hell could I not?

Quote

Broke-ass Moo is asking how to make homemade lube. Since, you know, if you can't afford a $5 bottle of lube, of COURSE you should be fucking and possibly bringing another human into the world.

If I was her friend, I would relabel a tube of super glue as "homemade lube" and let her have at it.

Quote
Zzelda
From the "Good Stable Relationships" one ~

Here's a comment from some other Cow on that thread, lamenting her own troubles ~

Quote
A Cow and her Stud
now, picture ex being 6' tall, 350lbs, showering once every 2 weeks and no longer wearing deo, refusing to cut his finger and toe nails for long periods because he was convinced it would cause him to get nail fungus. we live in texas.....so he REAKED, had long(ish) nails always rimmed in black dirt, and kept getting mrsa staph infections.

Sounds like a lovely, wonderful gent, doesn't he? I am consumed with jealousy.

Oh yeah, totally jealous. I would give anything to date a dirt-encrusted Neanderthal who smells like an elephant's asshole after a bout of explosive diarreah.

I guess when I hear "homemade," I think of something that requires mixing of more than one ingredient. There are alternatives to lube - one person did mention coconut oil, and I admit I have heard it makes a good natural lube. Others are lotion, baby oil, Vaseline....anything slippery. Oil-based lubricants can weaken latex and make condoms more apt to breaking, but considering this woman is asking how to make lube, I seriously doubt she can afford a box of condoms either, so it probably doesn't matter what any lube alternative does or does not do to latex.

Usually I find comedy gold in the Single Parenting and Gentle Discipline sections. Sadly, the GD area was your run-of-the-mill shit like "Spirited DS Likes To Slap My Face" or "DD Hits New Baby With Shoes." But there's always something juicy to be had when Moos talk about the losers with whom they've bred. PPD Moos are another fun bunch

Best age to expose your brat to chickenpox?

Oh...right before you go on a long-haul flight, so that all the other passengers can enjoy your kid whinging, and your shriek of horror when you notice a spot...and then spend the next week waiting for shingles. Works best in conjunction with exposure to the flu virus and stomach flu, so everyone can also enjoy bratley puking in a bag and running up and down the aisles with snot running down his face.

Or, how about exposing them about a week before you go to a restaurant so you can spend your whole time asking the servers to warm up wet rags to stop bratley itching? Or...even more pleasant for the rest of the patrons, then Bratley can run around lifting his top at all the tables saying 'look at my itchies' really loudly. That makes the pregnant woman in the corner REALLY happy, happy enough to shovel the food in and run without tipping the server because she's afraid your little virus incubator might come and touch her.

That's the right time, right?

I was lucky (ish). I got chickenpox at 3 months old (after the jab to stop it - preemie baby...wasn't supposed to get ill at all!), then shingles at 6 when everyone else had the pox. Don't remember a thing about it!

I tried to get through as much of the GD thread as I could, because I found it to be such a fuckin' joke. When I was smartmouth as a kid...I got a spanking--either with a paddle or my dad's bare hand. It hurt like hell, I cried, I got over it and lived to tell. No "victim" complex.

Anybody notice how much time these bitches spend discussing it all??? That thread is lengthy! In all that time they spend over-rationalizing their pansy-ass style of discipline...

re: homemade lube (shudder)...coconut oil is neither homemade nor cheap.

And the reference to corn starch made me twitch, too. Putting starches/sugars up there just sets you up for all sorts of misery.

Seriously...just buy some. A tube of water-based lube won't set you back much. If it's sensitivities that she's worried about, there are several brands that have 'natural' or 'simple' formulae that are supposed to be more compatible with sensitive bodies.

for heaven's sake
they even sell lube at the 99 cent store

"Stupid asshole teen doesn't want to go to school, but managed to pass from 8th to 9th grade with all F's because "repeating a grade would be emotionally crippling." It's the father writing this topic and is considering boot camp or military school if Junior doesn't shape up. Junior is on a waiting list to see a shrink - only 5 months to go to see the doctor."

I actually have relatives like this kid, and their parents don't bother sending them to school anymore. Because that would just crush Dumbford's self-esteem.
I say forget the shrink and ship the brat off to military school. If he doesn't shape up, throw Loserley out of the house and see how he likes having to fend for himself. It's harsh, but coddling them will only make it worse.

For homemade lube I would recommend anything likely to cause a raging infection which would leave her sterile.

Quote
randomcfchick
re: homemade lube (shudder)...coconut oil is neither homemade nor cheap.

And the reference to corn starch made me twitch, too. Putting starches/sugars up there just sets you up for all sorts of misery.

Seriously...just buy some. A tube of water-based lube won't set you back much. If it's sensitivities that she's worried about, there are several brands that have 'natural' or 'simple' formulae that are supposed to be more compatible with sensitive bodies.

She must have dried up old lady parts! If she saw her husband as a man rather than as a wallet, she would get excited enough that she was naturally wet & she wouldn't need lube.

Spit is free!

--------------------
"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

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Miss_Hannigan
Spit is free!

This post needs a gold star or some shit.
I seems I can't make it bigger...
*

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michaela

"A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter." -Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal

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Miss_Hannigan
Spit is free!

I suspect that with many of these Cows - Duh's spit would include chaw tabacky - and that would be ill advised, up the wazoo.

Or maybe not. I have heard that Nicotine works as a poison ~