Who Will Look After You When You're Old -- Nobody

So I've been pulled into a full-time caregiving sittuation with a parent and it's god awful.

If this parent didn't have me, this parent would actually be getting better care.

You know why?

1) This parent's physical problems wouldn't have been cushioned/prevented from being diagnosed properly and he/she would have been in a care facility and/or had surgery by now, paid for by Medicaire;

2) He/she also would have the full gauntlet of Medicare home health aid/nursing help automatically given to him/her and

3) If he or she lost all their money and didn't have family artificially pumping loads of money/time/etc. into his/her situation, the state would have him/her in a state paid for nursing facility, which is actually what he/she needs.

I also want to mention this; doing what I've been doing for this parent, who requires full-time 24/7 care from two people (this is what happens when you weigh some 300 pounds -- shit is going to catch up with you at some point)....is something I would NEVER require of my own child; it is NOT appropriate to ask for or require your child to do this stuff for you; not willing to provide too many personal details, but it is absolute hell, two people going bankrupt providing for his/her care 24/7, and that's even paying for one home health aide to come in a little bit. You want to be with PROFESSIONAL NURSING PEOPLE when your'e in this situation; do you really want to be responsible for healing your dad's butt fissures and wiping him 8 times a day when he has to go to the port a potty? Do you really think you want your kids to be doing that for you? Do you understand how much that damages your relationship, even if you all get along just fine?

4) If your'e going to get sick, go big or go home; if this parent had broken something during his/her recent falls he/she would have instantly been taken to the ER and surgery; instead, because this person didn't have an additional fracture, we are caught in the hell/purgatory or trying to get this person healthy enough for desperately urgent surgery this person should have had ten years ago, but only got the diagnosis recently when everything started going to shit; it is taking THREE people on the phones, dealing with pharmacies, doctors, nurses, etc. 24/7 just to hopefully get this person to the point where they can actually qualify / be approved for the surgery that is scheduled; they run you through a horrible gauntlet of crap. But if you actually have a heart attack, break a hip, etc. you go into surgery right away. GO BIG OR GO HOME is the answer.

5) Or, you know, kill yourself. Seriously. I could never require what this person is requiring of family members. Seriously. A gracious exit with pills first with a loving note solves a world of pain. This might be the start of a decade or more of this level of need/urgent care. I will have to pull out of the situation at some point and that is going to be horrible for everybody; then I have the other parent who is also frail. Fucking deal with the facts of where your body is at this time in your life and realize that it's not right to vampirize or bankrupt other people you profess to "love" just because you're morbidly obese and it's time ot pay the piper and it's NOT YOUR CHILDREN'S FAULT OR RESPONSBILITY.

End rant.

I understand how you feel. You are not alone.

I am currently watching (through occasional email) a good friend of mine...in her mid 60's.. throwing her life away taking care of her 90 yo father. she used to travel and do things with her friends..but now she's movedhim into her house and has little life other than doctors apts, church, and, between it all, her only joy, eating lunch at Cracker Barrel. It is litterly all she does. She's spent $$$ on handicap accessing her house and it looks like crap too.

'Daddy' was in assisted living, but he begged her to get him out. She caved. He belongs in AL. Her health issn't the greatest either but she is still able to get around and drive and travel a bit. She doesn't need this. Makes me mad because I have lost a friend who I used to do things with. Now it's 'Daddy needs me, I can't go'

I am incredibly grateful my sister and I stuck to our guns and got our Mom into a lovely assisted living home, where she gets much better care and is much safer than if she were living with one of us (after the lucky daughter was divorced by a husband who can't bear to spend 10 minutes with the mentally ill MIL who verbally abused his wife into suffering from multitudes of anxiety disorders). We made a pact of sorts that we would not give up our marriages to try to please our Mother, who can't be pleased anyway, after our Dad died, and despite her ravings we actually did what was best for her. I always swore that if push came to shove I'd simply kill myself before living with my Mother again anyway. In the end we got her competent psychiatric care for the first time in her 75 years, and got her into a wonderful place where she can't accidentally kill herself. We were very fortunate that Dad left her a good pension.

Usually the "best" isn't with family, it really isn't. You go to work and your senile loved one burns the house down, does anyone "win"? You destroy your life and the life of your SO to take less than great care of a loved one because it is "the thing to do" and would you still love them the same, or would resentment replace good feelings? It doesn't please society to do the true best thing, but what can you say?

Luckly my friend has no husband to consider in this. Her home is tiny and has one tiny bathroom (which is now even tinier with the Premier Bath monstrosity she had installed. She herself needs assistance at times. She can barely clean her own house. So she moves in her 90 yo father and ... there they are... watching movies, going to doctors and having regualr visits by the church elders who pray over them a couple times a week. What a life, She is only 3 years older than me and I could not imagine that at my age. I have needed to back off from the situation because I just can't stand it.

Thank you for the feedback! I'm finding that the cognitive dissonance/ie "Let's pretend X isn't real" is just as bad with caregiving as with breeding; people feel obligated to be vampirized by elderly loved ones in the name of appearing "decent" or "doing the right thing." In the midst of this situation I am pushing on all fronts to get information, pricing, options, etc. to create a breakthrough for the eventual point when this will have to move to an assisted care situation. One thing I find frustrating (of a million things at this point) is you can't even get INFORMATION about OPTIONS, even if money really isn't a problem. For example, everyone from the surgeon's office to home health to the insurance to nurses does "DUH!????" when you say, "After surgery, since I and my healthy parent can not care for this person, what are our options?" All they do is balk because insurance and Medicaire don't give you options; they kick you out of rehab after 21 days (if you're lucky; I spent all day FIGHTING will people today saying, this person is going to get major spinal surgery and be in the hospital two to four days; and then this person is going into rehab, right? And some folks in the system were going, "Um, no, this person will be sent home." I'm like, no way; not if it requires two people who can lift a 300 pound person to get them to the potty 8 times a day; get me some answers. FINALLY started to get some names of potential places but still don't have prices, detailed info, etc. This is like fucking pulling teeth; and when you need this information, you need it urgently; and you dont' have time to run around and get it or check facilities out because you dont' even get one hour oustide the home because yu're runnign the person to the potty every few hours. Geesh.

As I wrote to my honey ( I have a life outside this situation and am determined to reclaim it as quickly as possible; honey is holding down the fort in teh meantime) --- I WILL make sure that this person gets real care and I don't care if I look like the enemy; I also mentioned how I would never ask him to do this for me because it changes your relatoinsihp with someone in horrible ways and you should NEVER require or ask someone to do this stuff for you; even the one nice home health care person who has been coming in says, "Your job is to love your parent; our job is to see to it they they are getting physical help/day to day management for their body; that shouldn't be your job, too." She is a really bright and loving person; a true angel with a gift for caregiving; there ARE lovely people like that out there; it's been a real education to see this in action and to try to navigate through this.

PS: I have been seeing and meeting some really LOVELY people at all ends of the health industry; not doctors or their form pushers (clueless wenches who work in admin at doc offices dealing with horrible insurance stuff)...but the actual people providing care; nurses, aides, physical therapists; I no longer have ANY hesitance about working with these people one day myself; they KNOW THEIR STUFF and can watch those really important "little" things that really AREN'T so little.....like diaper rash turning overnight into massive sores or infection, things you're not trained to treat/observe/notice as that person's child or family member. YOU NEED PROFESSIONALS TO HELP YOU. And many lovely people are drawn to the healthcare professions; give them SUPPORT (financially) and prepare for the time when you will need them. If you can barely move and need a team of pros to wipe you, feed you, wash you; you know what You don't even WANT to be in your own home; things seem too big, too daunting; you can't clean or take care of your space anymore; you need somebody else washing towels, cleaning your soiled underwear and clothes; and believe me, that stuff can become a FULL-TIME job for your children and they have so much other stuff ot manage regarding your care, it's just not right.

And fuck old people who get more and more neurotic and fussy with age. C'mon. Does it REALLY matter which of a thousand towels you possess is being used that day to wipe your bottom? In the larger scope of things, does that really matter? Old and sick people get very neurotic and controlling and that is NOT the time to be catering to them as their child; it breaks your relationship in half and you stop being able to remember the parent you once loved.

Oh GAWD ... my dh is already nurotic and he's not even 60 yet.

You need a case worker/manager for your elderly relative. Most hospitals have someone on staff that is supposed to perform this function. If not, call your local Department of Human Services or Social Services and ask that your family member be assigned a case worker. You can also hire private case workers that will help you with their care.

You shouldn't be doing this all by yourself! I'm not sure where you live, but in the US there are professionals out there who will help you manage your relative's care.

I have told my parents (who are excellent and paid for my engineering school) that there is no way in fuck that I am dealing with their end of life care except to find them excellent AL and nursing homes because I can barely take care of myself and my cat. On a good day. They told me that there is no way they would want my lazy fucking ass taking care of them because they actually want to eat (don't worry, I remember to feed my cat and fuss over her because she is much more adorable than they ever hope to be).

However, they are smart enough to have made good investments and know their asses from their heads in terms of everything. I am also very much immune to guilt traps because I am fucking oblivious.

I couldn't imagine having someone taking care of me who has not been paid handsomely for their care who does not have a six pack or a mighty fine pair of tits and a nice round ass. I plan on being a very dirty old lady.

I honestly don't want to live past a point where I can't take care of myself. If I only need some assistance - like a wheelchair or occasionally having errands run for me - I can deal with that. But if I ever reach the point of being unable to wipe my own ass, I'd prefer to end things.

Neither I nor my sister are capable of adequately caring for our mother in her elder years, if she needs it. I will do my best to find her a great living home, but she cannot live with me.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

I'm truly sorry for the mess you're in right now, loavesstillsuck. If I was in your place I would be dumping my moo at an emergency room in another state. I've even researched what states to do that in.

Paranoia, paranoia, paranoia, paranoid. I'm not sick, but I'm not well. They're all out to get me they're all out to get me, so are you. So are you. (Sung to the tune of Frere Jaques.)

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brown-eyed diamond
But if I ever reach the point of being unable to wipe my own ass, I'd prefer to end things.

Same here!

By neglecting medical care for me, my parents ensured I will not do a thing for them!
Went two weeks with a broken arm before they finally believed my complaints. Fell out of a bunk bed onto my head/neck/shoulder in the middle of the night, came to in a different room screaming in agony, parents asked if I could wiggle all my fingers and toes and put me back to bed. From this I have acquired scoliosis, and actually misaligned my teeth, I remember being distracted from the pain that night by exploring why my jaw closed funny. A little PT would have gone a long way, and I am only now in braces, 30 years later because my teeth began breaking from my messed up bite.
I asked for mental counseling a bunch of times and was told yes of course I could have it, but follow through, there was none.
Oh let's not forget the cramps from hell that my mother also had, but me puking and writhing on the floor got my mom on the nurse hotline where they decided I was having a miscarriage. I was still a virgin! But at that point I'd been thought to have been immoral with boys since middle school, when I turned 16 I decided I might as well get that virginity out of the way. I was already being punished for the crime, might as well enjoy the thrill.

What kind of care does that earn them? No money or effort out of my pocket!

I hope those who find themselves caring for parents had better treatment at their hands. It's a huge sacrifice. I know it wouldn't even be appreciated if I were to do that job.
Y'all are better people than me!

Dang Presto... that reminds me of my mother.

My mother never believed I had the cramps I had. She always thought I was faking it to get out of things. Believe me, I would never fake that. It was awful. I threw up too from it. Went on through my entire teens and into my 30's... finally had a hyst.... but I digress. My mother thought, the because I had stomach issues and a bloated abdomin when I was 14 that I just HAD to be inpig. Come on mother! I had never been even interested in a boy.. let alone slept with one. I barely knew what all that was about anyway. (we were more sheltered back then) But... my cousin had gotten inpig before her wedding about 4 years earlier and so my mother was obsessed with it. I was freekin' 14 and very shy and kept to myself. Anyhow... it ended up that I was having a reaction to milk (which was forced on me several times daily) and when I stopped drinking it.. I got better. However, my mother went as far as having the doctor do a inpig test and a vag exam to make sure I was still 'intact.'
She was so stressed out when I started dating that she drove herself into many a migrane. The only thing she was afraid of was me getting inpig before marriage. I was no dummy and I knew how to prevent it. Ofcourse the moment I walked down the asile... it was... 'When are you going to have a little baybeeeee?"

Hey... could be the reason I'm CF. Constant greif from an obsessed mother. who is that other poster here who has an issue with this... where her mother is always looking for her used tampons?... what is WRONG with these mothers? Gotta wonder what THEY did when they were younger. LOL

Anyhow.. my parents are both gone now .. and they didn't get a whole lot of care from me before they went. I did have my father move in with us for a while.. but it wasn't long before he was back in the hospital and passed away soon after. I did have a lack of compassion for my mother in her final years. Guess what she ended up with. Horrid cramping from cancer in her reproductive tract. Hummm.......

Now, my dh does not speak to his parents. When he was young he had pneumonia and they wouldn't take him to the ER... so... he WALKED!! He could have died doing that. Whenever he was sick they would put him in a room and tell him not to come out except to use the restroom. He was supposed to use cleaner to sanitize the bathroom whenever he went in there. They would stay away from him till he was no longer contageous. (ofcourse this was from the time he was about 10 until he was out of HS.. not as a young kid) They told him "we can't get sick because we can't miss work"
He remembers all this and he wants nothing to do with their old age complaints.

HUGE HUGS OF SYMPATHY to all of you CFers who suffered through the abuse of horrific, narcisstic, bipolar, etc . parents! NO WAY do your parents deserve ONE SECOND of your future attention. Seriously. Fuck that shit.

I'm lucky in some ways because I get along well enough with my parents, but as with many families, we do best when we are hundreds of miles from each other and each moment together is carefully planned so we're on our best behavior.

Full immersion 24/7 living with parents when one of them is physically at their worse (not mentally, this person is quite composed and caring and sweet throughout the intense spinal pain) is intense beyond belief. Right now it's more like dealing with someone who had a sudden traffic accident and serious injury; this is all VERY new and we don't yet know if surgery will make things better or worse. But I want to warn those of you out there, whether married/happily living in "sin" (Like me!) or with parents or siblings who might have future health concerns,,,,you will be fighting 24/7 just to get information and don't believe what people tell you, about insurance coverage, what's really going on in terms of that person's physical health, or anything, really; even shit like forwarding copies of critical forms and med histories to the next "doc" who is supposed to provide the next point of care; people WILL drop the ball and you have to be ready constantly with a full list of meds, medical history, and more for that person; if you don't insert yourself into the equation, and that person is in acute pain and/or not at their best when they make a doc visit, they won't receive appropriate treatment; everybody fucking needs a full-time health advocate AT THEIR SIDE with this stuff; the "system" is not going to provide that; you might get some nice or helpful advice from visiting nurses, case workers, etc; but they are always just seeing THEIR PIECE of the picture which is, by its very nature, incomplete.

So things come down to day to day judgments of "Is this battle worth it?" "Are we going to get any decent results from this?" "Are we at the point of no return?:" "How do I find out about best providing quality of life.....not just for the sick person but even more importantly for their spouse (like my other parent who is fucking exhausted and I'm worried that person is the one who will end up in ER next)......a million questions; then you also have to navigate between being exceedingly nice and kind with your tone of voice (sometimes you get more info that way) and being an absolute castrating bitch when it's called for (when something serious and bad is falling through the cracks). You really have to be a spiritual warrior, I'm not kidding. Forget working, sleeping, eating, drinking, taking care of yourself; these things are NOT an option when every fucking waking minute is dealing with somebody's care.

Short answer? Don't have parents! Make sure you and your significant other talk about this shit LONG before it becomes an issue; most people have no clue about this stage of health/life/etc. and the options/lack of options/costs/etc. You can't have TOO much information, basically.

But you know what? Don't be afraid to have someone really sweet and kind and professional wipe your butt and attend to your daily needs; please know that there are LOADS OF LOVELY PEOPLE who do this full-time and have seen it ALL and while you might at first be embarrassed about having somebody clean you, sponge you, or wipe your ass, the kind people I've met through all this I'd trust in a heartbeat to provide this for me because I've seen them in action....truly the guardian angels of this world. Again, I'm not talking doctors or admin people at a doc's office. I'm talking about home health care types, visiting nurses, physcial therapists, etc. Lots of saints in that line of work (as well as in the EMT world, as our dear board member Thom C always reminds those of us who have seen his posts over the years and gotten some glimpse into the incredible kindness and sacrifice people in his profession are constantly making.) The EMT's I've dealt with recently? LOVELY. Volunteer ones, too; fucking saints.

A lot of this stuff is about getting over your own pride; wouldn't you rather have somebody help you who does this shit every day, is trained, knows the drill, is kind vs. an ill-equipped, untrained family member who might actually HARM you even while they're trying to help you? Even basic stuff like how to hold and physically transport someone who needs physical "spotting" while they are getting up (when they weigh a lot )--- this is the crash course I"ve been on so I don't damage that loved one and I also don't throw my back out; think you're trained in any of this? Think you're qualified? NO......we need to get over the outdated notion of the tiny, emaciated, 5' nothing old lady who is easy peasy to move, lift, help, transport; most people today needing help....including YOU and YOUR LOVED ONES...are much more sizeable and it's a whole other level of training/care/need that isn't being very well served right now due to lack of knowledge in the broader world. Fuck, my parent was in ER/hospital for observation and they fucking put teeny tiny "nurse techs" on staff who barely weighed a 100 pounds...of course they couldn't fucking help this heavy/overweight parent to the port a potty; my parent came back with massive damage to one arm from people grabbing him,/her inappropriately; fucking shits; news flash; always have people on staff trained in working with larger patients, and if they can't lift them, DON'T ASSIGN THEM TO CARE FOR THE LARGER PATIENTS. I've lost count of the finger marks and bruises from these dumb shits handling my parent for two days. GRRRR.

End rant!

Nice stories! I always appreciate knowing I'm not alone, even though other people also suffered to share these stories that make me feel understood.

From a very small age, we were made to keep one of our old cloth diapers in one hand to cough and sneeze into when we were sick. I knew it was a former diaper, and that grossed me out to no end, and so I was always getting chewed out for violating the rules.

No hugs, no affection when sick for me either, although I think they did realize how bad that might appear and so they decided touching elbows would stand in for hugs and kisses while we were sick. Put your elbow out and imagine someone else doing the same, and bump elbows. Yeah, that's a good stand in for affection, right....

And then all the silverware and toys that would stand up to it were boiled, and we were scolded for "making all this extra work for mom".
Gee, should have thought about the germ vector factor before making us.
It's not like I enjoyed being sick or sought it out purposefully either, but you might have thought I did based on the way we were treated.

Isn't love and affection good for the immune system? I bet colds wouldn't have taken so damn long to go away if us kids hadn't been treated like lepers. LOL!

All this is bad enough, but I haven't even touched on the physical abuse part of things, only the neglect!

Too right about needing a health advocate, loavesstillsuck. It's hard enough to get good care for myself and I like to think I'm pretty together about it all!
You are brave and kind for doing as much as you are.

You are so totally right about some people being cut out for that type of work. I've seen it with both my parents' numerous medical issues. But I am too damn independent. If I had some process that there was little to no hope of recovering from, I'm checking out. I don't want anyone but myself wiping my ass.

It's a personal decision though. People should handle those decisions as they see fit. But I do agree, forcing or guilting family to do it is wrong.Been there, doing that, with minimal if any help from childed siblings because they are so "busy."

Hey loaves, thanks for sharing with us. It's an ordeal we all may face someday, and it's best to be mentally and financially prepared for it. Personally, I think it's a shit deal, and all the breeders who think their adult loaves will joyfully wipe their asses are in deep denial. This isn't like caring for granny during the Victorian age - people are living with illness/disease longer, and these ailments can't be cured with cold towels on the forehead and tea. They require more specialized attention that most adults can't provide.

As much as I would hate to take care of an invalid parent or in-law, I'm even more terrified of being a burden in my declining years. If exercise, mental gymnastics and diet doesn't eliminate a nasty future of bedridden filth, and I'm still ambulatory, I'm going to swallow a bottle of horse tranquilizers in a Costa Rican beach and call it a day.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

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satansbitch
I'm truly sorry for the mess you're in right now, loavesstillsuck. If I was in your place I would be dumping my moo at an emergency room in another state. I've even researched what states to do that in.

I am with you! I don't feel guilty for letting moo be a burden on the state because the state worships breeders and makes them believe that they are entitled to the moon.

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"I have found little that is 'good' about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all."
~Sigmund Freud

Loaves, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It shouldn't be your responsibility to care for your ailing parent, and I can understand your frustration.

Thank Dog my mooo is in a home for dementia, because nobody could live with her. Nobody could live with her before her dementia kicked in, either. She was a tazmanian devil then, and she still acts like one now, only a bit crazier.

She complains about the home, but it's a good one. Nothing fancy, but she has her own room with a locking door and the staff takes care of all her needs.

Before we put her in, she had no interest or ability to care for herself anymore. Her apartment was a total mess, she wasn't eating or taking her medication. My sister had to see her every day to make sure she didn't burn down the building because she was still smoking. It was a relief to all of us when she finally got into that place.

I go and visit her from time to time and bring her some candies and DVDs. That's the most I can do for her now. She is quite nice during our visits, but can only tolerate company for about 15 - 20 minutes before she wants to watch "The Sound of Music" which she watches at least 3 times a day.

I am lucky that my moo agreed to go into a home and hasn't given us much trouble on the matter. I don't know what our famblee would have done, but my sister who is her executor would have had all the shit fall on her lap - which wouldn't have been fair at all.

For Loaves, you are an incredibly compassionate and strong person to be able to deal with all of that and not just run away. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

For everyone else, if you can have a decent conversation with your parents about this, free from guilt tripping and manipulation, I strongly encourage you to do so. Otherwise, if they are getting up there in age or starting to have ill health, find someone to talk to about the options now.

I've had long talks with my own mother about this situation after seeing two close friends go through it over the past two years. She actually agreed with me that it was incredibly selfish to expect me to care for her full time if it ever came down to that. She's also agreed to take care of my father if she is able and it ever comes down to it. While I expressed to her I'd be willing to take care of them as long as they were still capable of some independence, we throughly discussed all the options currently available. She thinks like I do - if it comes down to being unable to even perform personal hygiene for yourself, she's pulling the plug.

As for the two close friends - they aren't even taking care of their parents, they are taking care of their grandparents. In one case, grandmoo begat 13 children, and of the living ones, only one was willing to take care of her - and he abused her. Absolutely no one was willing to step in and end the abuse either, until my best friend - her granddaughter - finally did. She is 31 and her life now revolves around a dying woman. Thankfully, after grandmoo had a stroke, she put her grandmoo into a nursing home - but she is still power of attorney and has medical POA so her entire life consists of running back and forth to the nursing home, hospital, and dr offices.

The other close friend was stuck taking care of her husband's grandmoo (who had 4 or 5 loaves), until she suffered a massive stroke that left her unable to walk or communicate. Then, despite her house being completely unfit for a wheelchair, having no money for remodeling, her having no training whatsoever to care for someone that incapacitated, and both she and her husband working full time jobs, Medicare decided grandmoo needed to go back to them. It was a massive fight and ordeal for Medicare to finally back off and allow the woman to be placed in a nursing home. My friend said it was so much stress during that time that she nearly committed suicide just to stop it all.

Omigods, the stories you've all been sharing are amazing/incredible/heartbreaking! HUGE LOAFY HUGS TO ALL OF YOU!

I'm a writer by profession and between learning insider views about how to make GOOD situations BETTER in terms of home health care, getting the most out of your insurance company and/or Medicare (squeaky wheels get the grease; ask your GP to "prescribe" various types of care, like the kickass home health/visiting nurse who is helping out us and my parents at the moment, visiting a few times per week and taking recommendations for meds management, etc. and then SHE CAN GET THE FUCKING GP ON THE PHONE AND MAKE HIM ACTUALLY DO STUFF)....I feel like I've entered a whole alternative universe that is complex to navigate through, but it CAN be done, given appropriate information.....dammit, I am GOING to publish a book or ebook or something about this once I'm through the learning curve a bit more; information about this stuff is incredibly helpful for people going through it; I'd like to publish the book that I WISH I HAD HAD. You know?

(By the way, I still have my book on herbal contraception sitting on my hard drive; it's also really herbal "ABORTION" as in "GET RID OF THE LOAF WHEN IT"S BARELY A FUCKING NUGGET").......just got chickenshit about publishing it in terms of wondering if the crazies would bomb my house or my publishing company; sigh; someday I still need to publish it; thanks for your patience! In the meantime, see my past posts on uses of parsley for simple "bringing on your late period" and also mugwort leaves (or motherwort; both are good) in combo with fenugreek seeds; this will almost ALWAYS bring on a late period; if you are on hormonal birth control, though, the success rate goes down a bit but not horribly; 85% success rates still for a complete miscarriage/i.e. abortion using these simple herbs amongst the women I've worked with/known personally (not to mention ME......hormonal birth control fucks me up and I had to rely on herbs a few times)......

I want to stress one thing; it really isn't a big deal to have somebody compassionate and sweet who has wiped more elderly, stinking butts than you can imagine but who has a huge heart helping you out; and there are loads of these people in the home healthcare world; one thing this experience with my parent has taught me is that I'd be perfectly comfortable having NICE home nursing/health aids help me out, should I need help with the basic potty/wiping/mobility stuff; it's really NOT a big deal once you get used to it; so please don't think you have to check out just because one day you're 90 and you're having potty troubles! There are lots of great options, and you CAN preserve your dignity with these kind helpers helping you!

Amethyst114 said: "The other close friend was stuck taking care of her husband's grandmoo (who had 4 or 5 loaves), until she suffered a massive stroke that left her unable to walk or communicate. Then, despite her house being completely unfit for a wheelchair, having no money for remodeling, her having no training whatsoever to care for someone that incapacitated, and both she and her husband working full time jobs, Medicare decided grandmoo needed to go back to them. It was a massive fight and ordeal for Medicare to finally back off and allow the woman to be placed in a nursing home."

That is a huge, usually unstated issue with elder care. (Though the friend was probably having to deal with Medicaid, not Medicare, as Medicare pays for only a very limited amount of nursing home care. Lots of confusion between the two programs because of similar names.)

Simply put, once you agree to start taking care of an elderly person, whether she/he is your parent or not, even if you aren't related, you're on the hook legally from then on. That's why (probably) Medicaid tried to force your friend who had once cared for her husband's grandmother to take her back and care for her again despite the grandmother's deterioration.

On the face of it, trying to force someone to take care of a grandparent as opposed to a parent is objectionable. But in the eyes of the state, you did it once, you have an ongoing obligation. After all, you agreed to assume the responsibility, and by God, they're going to hold you to it. Also, if you abuse or neglect that elderly person after you begin caregiving, you're just as liable to face criminal charges—related to that person or not.

Some years ago a woman in southeastern Virginia who herself was in her eighties was arrested after the death of an incapacitated woman about the same age from evident neglect. She was not related to the victim but had been caring for her for years. The victim had six adult children who were not involved in caring for her at all. But no one targeted them for not helping: the elderly caregiver was the target instead. There's a lesson in this. Unfortunately, I never heard the outcome.

Your best bet is not to get involved at all in any capacity if someone is not your parent. Too many potential hassles exist, as Amethyst's friend discovered.

Long-time Bratfree denizens remember that I took care of my mother and stepfather after both became in a bad way. I was on the hook if anything went wrong while caring for my stepfather just as if he was my natural parent. He and I were close, so I had no problem with that. But someone else's mileage may vary, and vary big...