Dickless Wonder Writes his own eulogy

And now, for the crème de la crème. Dickless Wonder wrote his own eulogy.

http://fb.me/6zUaO7KnN

“Why is this narrative coming to you in the first person if I’m dead? C’mon now, a former journalist turned narcissistic dad blogger would NEVER leave his eulogy up to someone else to deliver. Which means even though I’ve shuffled off this mortal coil, you’ve still got to listen to me at least one more time.”

Well, finally, something we can agree on!

“Who was Aaron Gouveia? Truthfully, I was kind of a dick. Especially during my capricious youth. Someone once swore they’d deliver my eulogy with the opening line of “He’s a son of a bitch and I’m glad he’s dead.” But my mom was always kind of an asshole anyway. Seriously though, I did a lot of things years ago I’m not very proud of and if I could do it all again — well, I wouldn’t actually change anything because it truly was a blast and I had a helluva time.”

Wow, now we’re blaming Mom for the fact you were a total asshat? Just when I think you couldn’t stoop any lower. Oh, who am I kidding? You’re a narcissist. Nothing’s ever your fault. You can do no wrong and damn anyone who says otherwise.
Of course you wouldn’t change anything. Being the selfish, narcissistic individual you are, you would gladly have a good time even at the expense of others. I’m sure there will be a shit ton of people who will be so fucking glad you’re gone, your own famblee included.

“Things changed later in life for the same reason most men finally grow up — a good woman.”

I’m sorry, but you haven’t grown up. Not at all.

“I had no business dating my wife let alone getting the opportunity to be her husband. People asked me if I brainwashed or drugged her, and I didn’t even take it as an insult because she was obviously so far out of my league. She never forced me to change, she made me want to improve myself, especially if I ever wanted to have kids.”

Oh, but you forced her to change, didn’t you? You constantly berated her about how fast she runs, her body, whatever nasty things you could throw at her. Of course, it helped that she’s mentally ill, because no sane woman would ever date you let alone marry you.

“Kids. My two boys Will and Sam.”

Ooo, I’d looove to know what they’d have to say. Oh well, maybe we’ll be treated to an honest obituary.

“Forget the writing awards, professional accomplishments, and even watching my beloved Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, and Bruins win multiple titles over the years. My sons were, are, and forever will be my greatest source of pride and the only truly good things I’ve ever done. Watching them grow up while guiding them and simultaneously learning from them was the privilege of my life, and something for which I’ll always be eternally grateful. Being around them is the closest this heathen atheist has ever been to heaven, and I’ll miss that when I get to wherever the heck you go after you die. I don’t believe in Hell, but being reborn a Yankees fan has to come close.”

Until they reach an age where they decide they want to take their own path and not the one you planned for them. Maybe young William will join a heavy metal band, get tattoos, grow out his hair and come home covered in piercings. Or maybe Samuel will be interested in art. Then you’ll probably treat them like shit because they’re not following your dreams.
And if one of them turns out to be gay, heaven help the poor kid. He’ll be disowned.

“As for my earthly belongings, I spent my life working as a writer which means I died with a full heart but empty pockets. Hopefully the things I’ve left with those of you who loved me transcend material goods. But if not, there’s an old lottery ticket hanging on my fridge with coordinates that lead to a desert location.”

Hmmmm… I doubt that will sit well with your kids. If they don’t outright hate you, they’ll at least want an inheritance. And I’m not talking about a stupid old lottery ticket.

“My last wish is to put a keg on my coffin, drink a toast in my honor, and tell wildly inappropriate yet utterly amusing stories in which I finally come across as cool. Let those stories echo in my absence and write a few of them down if you could. After all, it’s the stories that live on, and the only real hell for a narcissistic former journalist turned dad blogger is being forgotten.”

Yeah, especially if it’s a scandalous tell all book written by one of your kids.

My Life As a Child of a Parent Blogger
By William Gouveia and Lucy Ahern

Dedication: To our parents. Be grateful we’re writing anything about you at all.

Awesome! One less thing for MJ to do when she chucks him off a cliff.

Sound like a eulogy for a pirate funeral.

As long as we're celebrating DW's accomplishments I'd like to look at a few of the extra special ones.

1. Throwing snowballs in the face of a one year old. This can be seen on DW's youtube channel.

2. Humiliating his wife on Valentine's Day. It was the first time he aired her dirty laundry to the world wide web. http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/please-come-back-to-me-2/

3.Telling the internet that his oldest child is an asshole and that his newborn is the spawn of Satan.

4. Making a large group of CF people who hate spawn with a passion feel sorry for his.

5. Joking about violence against women on Twitter. If that doesn't make DW a real man I don't know what does.

6. Making me come out and say that if his wife ever leaves him or kills him I'll help her any way I can. Making a CF woman willing to help a moo is really something to brag about.

I think I've covered the biggest ones. Everybody else, please feel free to add anything I might have missed.

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satansbitch
As long as we're celebrating DW's accomplishments I'd like to look at a few of the extra special ones.

1. Throwing snowballs in the face of a one year old. This can be seen on DW's youtube channel.

2. Humiliating his wife on Valentine's Day. It was the first time he aired her dirty laundry to the world wide web. http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/please-come-back-to-me-2/

3.Telling the internet that his oldest child is an asshole and that his newborn is the spawn of Satan.

4. Making a large group of CF people who hate spawn with a passion feel sorry for his.

5. Joking about violence against women on Twitter. If that doesn't make DW a real man I don't know what does.

6. Making me come out and say that if his wife ever leaves him or kills him I'll help her any way I can. Making a CF woman willing to help a moo is really something to brag about.

I think I've covered the biggest ones. Everybody else, please feel free to add anything I might have missed.

Trolling our board. He will not be forgiven for that.
Trying to have sex with his wife while she was in the hospital about to birf the much loathed second child.
Calling himself a former journalist. I’m sorry, but writing for your college newspaper or some bullshit online tabloid or whatever it is you supposedly wrote for does not make you a journalist. This quote from Family Guy comes to mind whenever I think of DW.
“You’re just a big fat phony!”

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efsb, quoting duhtard
" {...}the only real hell for a narcissistic former journalist turned dad blogger is being forgotten.”

Since it sounds to this relative newcomer that you stalk this site quite a bit, Duhddy (probably even after getting your troll ass handed to you), this is pointed directly at you.

I've known a couple of narcissists, and it's true, they'd rather carve off their own nipples with a hot spoon than not be the center of any sort of attention-- good, bad, or ugly. Just like the toddlers they claim to despise (out of competitive jealousy, I think). So I'll tell you what I've told a couple of them in the past...

News flash, jagoff: You WILL be forgotten, sooner rather than later. You are not currently a household name, despite your endless attempts at self-aggrandizement; you are merely one blog in a sea of millions. Not that it matters to the empty vortex of your self-esteem, but it's a pretty safe bet that more people despise than admire you.

No matter how hard you try to immortalize yourself, you will fade even further into obscurity than you currently are. Even those who will be glad when you kick will fade away in the fullness of time, and your earthly presence won't amount to much more than a neglected headstone-- exactly like billions of others before you. Additionally, you won't be around to drum up more attention for yourself, so that energy will atrophy even faster once you're dead. You'll be just another inert lump among countless other inert lumps, while those still living do their own thing.

So you just keep struggling and shouting and thinking you're all that. The fact that you struggle so hard only highlights your fear that you're actually insignificant. That fear-- unlike your pathologically immature, OgDickWerx rantings-- is rooted securely in reality.

Yall have a nice rest of your life, now.

You have to wonder why - a Eulogy?

I know plenty of self lovers - of the type who made some chintzy student film - and immediately posted every bit and piece of it on IMBD. Made their own Wikipedia entries, etc.

Why - a Eulogy?

Why - the death connection?

Does he wish to be dead? Does he feel people will only appreciate him in death?

Consider the 'over emotionality' - in this choice alone.

Yes, he already has his blog, that's evidently not bringing enough attention.

He's gone to serious emotional histrionics with the header of "Eulogy" alone - think about it.

NO ONE LURVES ME! NO ONE GIVES ME ANY CREDIT!!111!!

I'll SHOW THEM! How'd you like to read - MY EULOGY!!!??? Eg. - How would you like it if I WERE DEAD?

And people say women are over emotional? eyes2

It's a CRY FOR HELP! From an Unloved, Unappreciated, and Tossed Aside LOVING FATHER!

FUCK THIS ASSHOLE!

In my trials and travails through dating, romance, and even marriage - what I have noticed is - most men want a Mother.
Weak Mama's Boys abound. Especially in the US. Not surprising with all the Moo Worship and catering to Golden Penises.

It's a tough spot to be in - when you have MOAR BALLS then 99.99% of the men out there!

What a bunch of weaklings desperate for their Mawmies! MAN THE FUCK UP! ALREADY!

Instead we get - oh, Boo Hoo, you'll miss me when I'm gone ~

Here's a relevant article I saw on Jezebel the other day -

http://jezebel.com/crappiest-crap-email-ever-whiny-guy-asian-fetish-fak-1442052433

All about the Boo Hoo you'll miss me when I'm gone, baw ~
And the comments! Yet more stories of Boo Hoo heartbroken men who just cannot move on and clutch at their pee pees like pearls and go to stalking and emotional manipulation eyes2

GAWD! Do I DETEST! Weak Men!

Dickless Wonder is now officially a member of this club. Oh yeah. Write your own Eulogy? You're def IN the Weakling Club, Little Man, absolutely.

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efsb
My Life As a Child of a Parent Blogger
By William Gouveia and Lucy Ahern

Don't forget the Bishop Brothers...I'm sure they'll have PLENTY to say about dear old BuzzKill!

As far as dear darling Dickless goes:

Na na na na, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE!

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

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efsv
My Life As a Child of a Parent Blogger
By William Gouveia and Lucy Ahern

Oh man ... Those two could blow Mommy Dearest right out of the water. I'd read it. I do love me a good train wreck.

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efsb
My Life As a Child of a Parent Blogger
By William Gouveia and Lucy Ahern

Foreword by Leta & Marlo Anderson

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan

In the Public Eye: Growing Up on a Blog by Charles and Zacharie Bishop

Dedication: We would like to dedicate this book to all the other children of parent bloggers. Just know you’re not alone.

And I’ve even put together a little excerpt for ya.

Looking at our family from the outside, you would have thought we were perfect. Even though she worked long hours, she managed to cook our meals, keep the house clean and make time for Charlie and I. And our dad? Well, who could ask for a better father than him? He worked during the day while we were at school so he could spend time with us. He took us camping, on road trips, and gave us everything a kid could ever want. At least, that’s what everybody thought.
But as the old saying goes, appearances can be deceiving, and our parents were pretty good at deceiving people. If you had lived in our house, you would know that we were the polar opposite of the Cleaver family. Our father was not the loving parent he portrayed himself to be. He was a self-centred, abusive, mean-spirited individual who saw us as nothing more than props for his blog.

Lifetime and others will make movies out of that book, and the loving Duhd will end up looking worse than Joan Crawford after Mommy Dearest came out.