Promoting self-esteem does not have good consequences

What a timely article. It turns out that promoting unearned self-esteem in children doesn't solve the world's ills but gives you entitled sneuwphaykes, which, as the author of the article points out, anyone with an ounce of common sense could have known before this whole "everyone's a winner" experiment was launched.

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Researchers have found that high self-esteem does not guarantee happiness and is often linked with depression because those whose self-esteem is elevated on false or flimsy pretexts – e.g., being told that everyone adores you or being told you’re perfect just for existing – are highly susceptible to all perceived slights. So-called beneficiaries of the self-esteem boom have been brainwashed to believe they deserve the best grades, the best treatment, the best of everything. Thus they are very easily offended, angered, disappointed, and crushed by even the faintest criticism. Psychologists call that kind of sky-high but baseless self-esteem “fragile self-esteem.” Its healthy opposite is achievement-based “secure self-esteem” – otherwise known as earned self-respect – which is not necessarily sky-high, but less likely to leave its possessors sulking and raging when the real world delivers its usual harsh doses of reality.

Am I the only one who sees this paragraph as being applicable to a certain young man in California who shot up and stabbed a bunch of people a few days ago? A young man driving a Beamer who felt *entitled* to sex and got all stabby when he didn't get it? That's your "Self Esteem" movement personified, IMHO.

If anything, we need a little less self-esteem in the world. People with high self-esteem are the ones causing all the fuckin' trouble. Criminals, rapists, murderers, thieves, scammers, religious extremists, terrorists... these are all very motivated, very confident people.

And when you raise a kid to believe the sun rises and sets because of them, give them everything they want when they want it, and overall teach them they can do whatever they want, the end result is a person who cannot function rationally when they are told NO. Someone given everything on a silver platter growing up can't handle rejection or refusal by another person; in their minds, that's not supposed to happen, and so the person lashes out and blames the target of their desires.

It's not healthy for anyone to feel like they automatically deserve the best, and usually without putting forth any effort. When these people don't get their own way, they get violent like tantrumming toddlers. But take the screaming, violent attitude of a two-year-old and pair it with adult intellect, strength and hormones and you have a serious threat. People with incredibly high self-esteem also usually don't fear any sort of consequences from their actions because they feel their behavior is justified. After all, they just want to get their own way like they always have. It's just those other assholes are making it really hard, so they'll have to be taught a lesson, which is that Junior gets what he wants when he wants it, no excuses.

Problem comes from people not understanding what self-esteem is, how it functions, or how it's built.

Self-esteem does not mean thinking you're awesome.

It's not built by praising. It doesn't come from external sources.

It's built by using one's skills to learn, grow, and overcome. Good adults help foster self-esteem in kids without making a specific effort. The adults set high standards, and don't promote half-assery. Here's the important part: they don't rescue the kid from failure. If the kid fucks up, they help them figure out what to do about it, and what they'll do differently next time.

Good parents and good teachers are doing this shit all the time. Too bad they're outnumbered by the fakey rah-rahs who're building a bunch of entitled, heartless shits.

I really think that is exactly what these 'self esteem' promoters are aiming for. I cannot believe these people (psychologists and these policy-setters) are so damned f'in stupid to realize that this inflated hyper self esteem does not produce homicidal maniacs like that evil piece of shit in California (and all others of his ilk).
I think they KNOW this will be the outcome and it is a calculated action which will result in societal breakdown. This is just one small aspect of an even bigger problem: there are so many of these destructive trends going on, all being pushed by these experts, politicians, and mouthpieces, all of which have chaos, anarchy, and government crackdown as the end result.
I personally think we are too far down this road to turn back, or even try and deflect off into a less destructive end game. The self esteem, narcissistic, me first folk, like the bacteria they resemble, have grown exponentially. I think the next 20 years (and I'm being optimistic) will see such an explosion of these behaviors will see the end of this nation as we know it.
enjoy it while it lasts.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

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skyeyes

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Researchers have found that high self-esteem does not guarantee happiness and is often linked with depression because those whose self-esteem is elevated on false or flimsy pretexts – e.g., being told that everyone adores you or being told you’re perfect just for existing – are highly susceptible to all perceived slights. So-called beneficiaries of the self-esteem boom have been brainwashed to believe they deserve the best grades, the best treatment, the best of everything. Thus they are very easily offended, angered, disappointed, and crushed by even the faintest criticism. Psychologists call that kind of sky-high but baseless self-esteem “fragile self-esteem.” Its healthy opposite is achievement-based “secure self-esteem” – otherwise known as earned self-respect – which is not necessarily sky-high, but less likely to leave its possessors sulking and raging when the real world delivers its usual harsh doses of reality.

Am I the only one who sees this paragraph as being applicable to a certain young man in California who shot up and stabbed a bunch of people a few days ago? A young man driving a Beamer who felt *entitled* to sex and got all stabby when he didn't get it? That's your "Self Esteem" movement personified, IMHO.

Yes, it breeds entitlement mentality.

I started to read this guy's Manifesto, it's pretty 'wordy'. I had to go out. I might pick it back up later but there seems to be enough of the choicest quotes pulled out and debated all over, so I got sidetracked with that, various news stories.

I did read some of his thoughts on his young child hood - which makes me think of something else - that might be a parallel to 'inducing too high of self esteem' - which would be - too much "Mother Love" - directed at Golden Penii.

This kid did talk about how Mommy, GrandMoo, and Nannies all loved him so. And his early years were 'blissful and idyllic'.

This is a big part of these issues too - The Fawning Moo. Who turns her Son into a Quasi Lover.

There's an Old Saying: No one's gonna love you like your Mama did.

I think this is an issue. In the extreme cases it's as if these Cows are committing at least emotional incest against their sons. And it always seems to include fostering delusions of grandeur in the kid. Sonny Boy can do NO wrong! And, in fact - he's The Bestest Person! In the whole world! Mommy SAID SO.

Totally agree with randomcfchick. Mastery of something leads to success which leads to gratification (praise from others, or pleasure in one's capabilities) which leads to an appropriate sense of self esteem. Leaving the mastery and the success out of the situation and jumping straight to the praise doesn't. It's SO obvious!! Well, it is to me, but that isn't a commonly held view among quite a lot of parents.

It's not about always competing with others, which I agree can end up being unproductive, it's about striving to be as good as you can be for your own self.

This is trickle down self-esteem for moos. They demand udder rubs for pinching out loaves. They then want to coddle and spoil their fuck trophies, giving their brats accolades just for existing.

I mean, aren't their loaves just AMAAAAAZING!??!?! We can't hurt its widdle feelings so we just have to go on and on and on about what a winner it is!!!!! And of course I pinched out a loaf, that makes me sooooo AMAAAAAZING too! Cant you see????? If the loaves are awesome and pwecious, the moos must be too!!!

When anyone gets rewards and benefits without working for it, they don't appreciate anything and feel the world owes them just for existing. This everyone's a winner bullshit is going to create a whole generation of entitled monsters that won't do dick.

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Shrieking babbies are the most effective birth control on earth.

Excellent article. As someone who was reared prior to the everyone is special, a winner, outstanding for just showing up, brand of child handling, I've always thought it was far more destructive than effective.

A small example: Husband and I were having lunch at a local diner a couple of days ago. Small, very casual, you seat yourself, the wait staff usually calls out a friendly hello when you walk in. Two older women (grandmoos?) walk in with a 5/6 yr old girl. Both women immediately start babbling to child about the task of selecting a table. It was up to the child to do the selecting. They circled the restaurant a couple of times (I shit you not) debating the merits of each table. Child selects table. That's when it really got nauseating. The amount of praise heaped upon this kid was beyond belief. Oh my, she had selected the very best table in the joint. She was the smartest girl ever. How extra special and wonderful she was. All this praise for walking into a freaking diner and accomplishing the act of sitting their asses down. It made me feel kind of sorry for the kid. If every mundane act is so glorified, how will she ever feel the true elation of real accomplishment? What a ridiculous approach that is beneficial to nobody.

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This is a big part of these issues too - The Fawning Moo. Who turns her Son into a Quasi Lover.

There's an Old Saying: No one's gonna love you like your Mama did.

I think this is an issue. In the extreme cases it's as if these Cows are committing at least emotional incest against their sons. And it always seems to include fostering delusions of grandeur in the kid. Sonny Boy can do NO wrong! And, in fact - he's The Bestest Person! In the whole world! Mommy SAID SO.

Scott Peterson was another Golden Boy, (and that was his family nickname!) who turned murderous when life didn't work out like he thought it should.

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Zzelda
This is a big part of these issues too - The Fawning Moo. Who turns her Son into a Quasi Lover.

There's an Old Saying: No one's gonna love you like your Mama did.

I think this is an issue. In the extreme cases it's as if these Cows are committing at least emotional incest against their sons. And it always seems to include fostering delusions of grandeur in the kid. Sonny Boy can do NO wrong! And, in fact - he's The Bestest Person! In the whole world! Mommy SAID SO.

*blech* If you want to read about the consequences when a woman comes into Son's life and provides him with something Mommy can't: the Magic Vagina of Pleasure, check out this board It tends to be about MILs and other in-laws overstepping boundaries when babies come along, but there are other stories of women with husbands they term "unicorns." Apparently that has something to do with those men who view interference from their mothers into their relationships as OK.

A very timely article in the wake of the Santa Barbara shootings.

Maybe instead of promoting high-self esteem our society should promote healthy self-esteem. Huge, huge, huge difference between the two things but I seriously doubt school admins know the difference between the two and furthermore, the concept of healthy self-esteem gets in the way of these wacko parenting tactics like helicopter parenting ad nauseum.

Can the damage be undone?

It's going to take a lot of work. And it has GOT to start in the home, not in the fucking schools.

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Dingo8YourBaby
This is trickle down self-esteem for moos. They demand udder rubs for pinching out loaves. They then want to coddle and spoil their fuck trophies, giving their brats accolades just for existing.

I mean, aren't their loaves just AMAAAAAZING!??!?! We can't hurt its widdle feelings so we just have to go on and on and on about what a winner it is!!!!! And of course I pinched out a loaf, that makes me sooooo AMAAAAAZING too! Cant you see????? If the loaves are awesome and pwecious, the moos must be too!!!

When anyone gets rewards and benefits without working for it, they don't appreciate anything and feel the world owes them just for existing. This everyone's a winner bullshit is going to create a whole generation of entitled monsters that won't do dick.

Keeping a wary eye on my niece :goggle She had a baby in February, is so enthralled with her daughter and the role of motherhood that she now talks about being a SAHM "for a few years." Her SO is OK with that. I hid her on FB because I got tired of the non-stop updates about the kid growing 1/8 of an inch and putting on xx ounces, but occasionally check on her and give her a random LIKE. I truly am glad that she is turning out to be a doting, loving Mom, it's another break in the chain of absolutely shitty non-mothering that existed in our family a couple of generations ago. However, now Niece is sending out messages to people, asking if they saw the latest update on her baby.

A couple of days ago, apparently Baby uttered its first real laugh. I get a message "Aunt Dori, did you see the update about Perfect Daughter? She laughed for the first time! Isn't that wonderful!" Actually, no I didn't. I'm getting ready to send my Dh to the hospital for some serious surgery and am not in the mood for fatuous motherhood. I didn't reply in that vein, but did check out the update and give it a LIKE and offered Niece congratulations on another development milestone. Then I called her mother and told her she needs to have a sit down with her daughter and tell her that her world might revolve around her kid; good for her; but she needs to stop pestering the rest of the world in a quest for constant props and praise.

Why is it always one extreme or the other for these BNPs: either they put their kids down and criticize their goals and achievements (like some people here have experienced), or they make their kids into Joffrey Baratheons by exalting them for existing? I agree with everyone else here - teaching their kids skills in leadership, solid work ethic, picking up and trying again after you fail, overcoming difficulty etc. is what will REALLY cause strong self-esteem. Not this sugar coated gooey bullshit.

To give an anecdote - I was at the library the other evening, and there was this kids' function going on in one of the event room areas, and the stupid kiddie music that was playing in there had the literal lyrics of "Every snowflake is different." That was the repeated phrase of the chorus. The whole song literally went on and on about how kids are special snowflakes, not even satirically like how we call them, but for real.

And those differences need a microscope to see.

If we still have any HR staff or managers here on Bratfree, I'd love to hear stories about entitled young adults with inflated self-esteem who went to pieces or quit after a colleague's or boss's criticism. Other sites and blogs allude to such happening. Hearing firsthand of examples would be entertaining.

I am also in agreement, that telling every sneauflayke that they are spayshall, is breeding a lot of sociopaths and narcissists - with fragile egos. The worst kind.

I also agree about healthy self-esteem versus an overinflated sense of self. Pahrunts are breeding a new kind of monster nowadays without even knowing it. There will be hell to pay when these creatures grow into adults.

These are the same kyds who grow up to murder their pahrunts over being grounded, or having their iPhones taken away.

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kman
If we still have any HR staff or managers here on Bratfree, I'd love to hear stories about entitled young adults with inflated self-esteem who went to pieces or quit after a colleague's or boss's criticism. Other sites and blogs allude to such happening. Hearing firsthand of examples would be entertaining.

Oooh, I can post one. I'm not an HR/boss, but I am the secretary and the secretary sees everything. I'm about to go to the gym, but I'll make a thread about her when I get back.

Sad thing is, she's actually older than me. She's around 30-32 and probably came from the first wave of Spayshul Snowflake parenting. I'm almost 24 but was raised by PNB parents who taught me proper work ethic, ambition and respect.

Yeah, I know, this is an ancient thread, however, I've been hate watching The Gilmore Girls, and Rory is a perfect example of the millenial snowflake. She was spoiled and coddled by everyone except her boyfriends father who gave her an internship, gave her harsh, but realistic feedback, resulting in a meltdown and stealing a yacht. Then she was shocked she got arrested.

It's all good - this subject is probably even more relevant now than it was when it was originally shared because there are so, so, so, SO many grown adults out there who meet this description. People who have way too much self-esteem because they were pampered/spoiled as kids who go fucking nuts when they don't get their own way. Like the thing from a few years ago about the incel who ran over a bunch of random pedestrians - most of whom were women - because no women would sleep with him and he felt taking his frustrations out on strangers was justified. Or people like Chris-Chan, who has obviously never had any form of discipline or boundaries enforced, who went from being a dumbass internet celeb to raping his elderly demented mother and defending himself in court by saying, "I am very famous on the internet."

If anything, we need a lot LESS self-esteem. Kids need their feelings hurt every so often so they can learn to cope with not getting their own way. None of this "let's hug it out" shit parents all seem to do in lieu of real discipline. It's okay to tell a kid to quit being an idiot, or they can't do something, or not giving in to their every whim. Setting boundaries is good preparation for adulthood when they will be able to get away with even less bad behavior compared to childhood.

Buuut I don't see it happening any time soon when every single brat is autistic and therefore exempt from discipline, as far as parents are concerned. I don't think it's a coincidence that there seem to be a lot more shootings in the news than in the past - all those precocious little angels raised never hearing Mommy utter a single negative word are all grown up and are mad they can't get what they want when they want it. So they kill people and see no problem with it.

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Cambion
It's all good - this subject is probably even more relevant now than it was when it was originally shared because there are so, so, so, SO many grown adults out there who meet this description. People who have way too much self-esteem because they were pampered/spoiled as kids who go fucking nuts when they don't get their own way. Like the thing from a few years ago about the incel who ran over a bunch of random pedestrians - most of whom were women - because no women would sleep with him and he felt taking his frustrations out on strangers was justified.

Are you talking about Alek Minassian? He was a tard who used to be in the special ed room. He was 24, but the people who knew him were surprised he could even drive a car. The judge concluded that he was lying about inceldom being his motive and this act was around the time when mainstream media got into the previously obscure incel community, so I think he was coached by a nasty person.