Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 17, 2014 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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Dear Prudence,
My wife of 43 years died an excruciating death from lung cancer in April. We were childless, which I thought was a sorrow to both of us but I was wrong. We are simple people who never consulted a doctor or fertility clinic about the problem. Two days before she died, my wife said God was punishing her, not for her lifetime smoking habit, as I expected, but because she had taken birth control pills for 20 years without my knowledge. Worse, she had had two abortions without telling me! Of course this completely blew me out of the water. I told her I forgave her, but that’s not really true. I’m still stunned beyond belief, mourning the children we never had who could have been such a joy and comfort. The only person I could think of to confide in was our parish priest, who told me that she’s burning in hell and will do so for all eternity. I really don’t think that’s true, as she was otherwise a very good woman, but now I don’t feel welcome at church as well. I think this will haunt me until the end of my days and I feel helpless to counteract it. Any advice you could give me would be very much appreciated.
—Devastated
Dear Devastated,
The cruelty of your wife’s behavior, both during your marriage and as she faced her own end, is hard to fathom. The death of a beloved spouse of more than four decades is going to upend anyone’s world. But of course you feel undone by her deathbed confession that she deceived you for the entirety of her reproductive years, and further that she aborted the children for whom you must have prayed. You say your wife was “a very good woman.†I’m sure you could unroll an endless list of her genuinely generous and loving acts. But she also engaged in a profound and continuous betrayal of you, then compounded this by not taking her secret to the grave. I’m not much of an afterlife person, but I agree that your priest’s response was gratuitous and mean. He needed to help you sort out your new understanding of your marriage, and to compassionately attend to you, the living. If you find solace in your faith, ask among your friends for a parish whose priest has a generous spirit. I also urge you to find a counseling center that specializes in bereavement. You will be able to talk to a therapist who has likely dealt with patients who have had all sorts of shocking pre- and post-mortem discoveries, and who will help you work through both your anger and loss. Your perfectly natural feelings of hurt and helplessness are fresh and raw. I hope you have friends and family who are a comfort, and paid or volunteer work that is a satisfaction. Even though it may be hard to believe now, with help and time, you will be able to heal.
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 17, 2014 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 2,430 |
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 17, 2014 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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catharsist
... This persons response is just.. Shitty. I mean what kind of priest says that to someone? If I lost my best friend the last thing I would want to hear is that they were burning in hell too. And I love how her death doesn't bother him nearly as much as his lack of fuck trophies.
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 17, 2014 | Registered: 10 years ago Posts: 121 |
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Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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Techie
Wow. Sad story at a first glance but to me, it is also an eye opener to what life was like for CF women back then. I would imagine she has found no enjoyment in hiding her desire to be CF but for those days, I have to wonder, what were her options? I would imagine if she came out as a CF, she would get attacked from every direction.
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 19 years ago Posts: 9,197 |
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Another example of religion over relationship. More and more I learn about the Catholic Church in particular, it just seems to be a system designed to keep people in line rather then to encourage introspection with regard to biblical texts.
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She was quite adamant about not wanting to be a mother so I chalk it up to being under the control/thrall of religion.
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 6,607 |
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bell_flower
My mother was raised in an extreme Catholic home in the 40's and 50's. Although she professes to hate the Church, she still holds some really fucked up morals and she's all about the lies and secrecy. She uses the concept of mental reservation any time she wants to lie about something.
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 769 |
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,603 |
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Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 |
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Dorisan
I’m still stunned beyond belief, mourning the children we never had who could have been such a joy and comfort.
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,367 |
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,109 |
Yes, thanks for sharing that bell_flower!Quote
Dorisan
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bell_flower
My mother was raised in an extreme Catholic home in the 40's and 50's. Although she professes to hate the Church, she still holds some really fucked up morals and she's all about the lies and secrecy. She uses the concept of mental reservation any time she wants to lie about something.
Well, that's interesting. Sounds like double-speak to me though. I can see how the Church has excused itself of the many atrocities for which it is responsible by using that concept.
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 3,003 |
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benry
Less than 2 years later I realized I was an atheist and, if they ever officially found out, I suppose they'd have to excommunicate me.
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Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 |
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cassia
As an atheist, I insisted that I be removed from the Catholic membership list (ie baptized people they claim as Catholic)
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cassia
I also did not take Confirmation (ceremony around age 12 to state that as an 'adult' you were confirming as a Catholic member) and I was punished at school for weeks as a result.
(When I objected, because taking Confirmation was supposed to be a free choice, they justified that I just happened to be getting treatment that was the same as punishment, but it was not punishment.)
Re: Prudie: My late wife was childfree but never told me July 18, 2014 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,432 |
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benry
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cassia
As an atheist, I insisted that I be removed from the Catholic membership list (ie baptized people they claim as Catholic)
Wow, that's cool. I didn't know you could do that. They told me I had to be ex-communicated if I wanted to leave. Never looked into it because I figured it was their problem they had a heathen on the roster.
larious
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