Feeling sortof betrayed.

I have to talk about this because this has been on my mind for the past week and it's been causing me some issues.

Okay, so I had this friend in high school and we did everything together in our little clique. We went out one night to an Alicia keys concert and the last time I saw her she got in her mothers car from my friends house.. And we never heard from her again. She just walked out of our lives.. Just like that. Since then our little group has disbanded (due to us all going to different colleges and all that) and we don't speak often. It wasn't until too long ago that I found out what happened.

She got pregnant while still in high school and simply disappeared.

She was the super Christian type and always seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. She hasn't texted me or spoken to me in years. Her Facebook has been totally defunct as far as I can tell and she hasn't contacted my other friend either. I found this out through another one of my acquaintances from high school that the friend in question didn't even LIKE, and this acquaintance told me that she texts her ALL THE TIME.

This acquaintance was the only wanna breeder that anyone knew and she ALWAYS talked about kids and I wasn't OMGCF around the time of her disappearance so WTF!? Why did she just walk out of our lives? Recently I found out that that this friend has TWO kids and graduated college and and has a job and everything and I'm... Just so hurt that she wouldn't even TELL us why she was going..

Is it shame? Is it that she suspected that we weren't going to be supportive of her? It FUCKING PISSES ME OFF! And try as I might, I keep fucking asking this acquaintance to tell her to fucking text me so I can talk to her and I never get a goddamn response from her OR the acquaintance. Same with my other friend. This is making me so fucking pissed I can't see straight! Should I just hang up this friendship or do you think I should keep trying? I don't want her to be hurting thinking that we don't care about her. She doesn't need to be shamed and quite frankly she is still my fucking friend regardless and I don't want to just drop her. Not really.. But it may be for the best and maybe my bleeding heart is finally fucking me over for once.. I don't know anymore.

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So.. We know that food and water are running out, with overpopulation and all... Yet people keep on poppin' out those babies! I guess they want to have their baby and eat it too...

My top reason is that parenting gives you a free license to be selfish based purely on the fact that you're being selfish for an emanation of your own self. The illusion that what you do to benefit your children benefits them solely is a fallacy. Every parent benefits from the benefits that their children receive. Henceforth, it gives one a license to perpetuate a dog-eat-dog mentality that I perceive to be amoral. Parents say that their children are their greatest loves, what they forget to add is that they are their ONLY loves and only because their children are a reflection of themselves. I prefer to be able to love multiple people and have lasting relationships of many types and possess the essential core value of empathy for all than to restrict myself to an echo chamber of ego-masturbation and self-serving chicanery.

In short: Not parenting makes you a better person.

I'm really sorry to hear that, Catharsist.

It sounds as if your friend went all breeder-brained and decided she only wants to speak with her kind from now on, which is why she's texting with the girl she never really liked, rather than you. You can try to get ahold of her, but don't be surprised if you don't hear back.

She could be feeling shame, or she could just be feeling like there's no real connection anymore because she's loafed. It really sucks. I've had friends who dropped out of my life because they shat loaves, and it always hurt.

It's possible you can talk to her, but she may not want to talk to you. If she doesn't, she's losing out on an awesome friend. Breeding really does do weird shit to people.

I've had a friend disappear on me like that...eerily similar actually. We were friends in junior high, she moved for high school, but we wrote and called A LOT (before internet was commonly available), and stay just as close. Then after a while...nothing. None of our mutual friends knew what happened.

About ten years later, she got hold of me, and it turned out that she'd gone a bit wild (poor choices with drugs & sex, barely made it out of high school, alienated her family), then got married ridiculously young...like right after she turned eighteen. She was unhappy with her life, but was so afraid of judgment that she didn't even want to reach out. Not even to me, and I'd been the nonjudgmental friend who'd helped her through shit before. She was that down on herself.

Hard to say what's up with your friend, catharsist. She's not telling. She might be feeling shame and fear of judgment like my friend did. She may be more comfortable with the mutual friend because she thinks that a fellow parent will make a better friend. She might be so changed by the parenthood that she's uninterested in contact with friends from her pre-kid days at all.

Hard to say whether you should keep trying or hang it up. Maybe if you can get enough info to do an end-run around the mutual friend and contact her directly...or maybe give it time. She may pop out of the woodwork later and feel more receptive to contact.

She's made a decision on which there's no backsies, and my observation has been that when people make those sorts of choices, they sometimes change peer groups/friends/social circles. The good ones get themselves back in balance and stay open to communication, but sometimes getting back in balance can take a while.

If she refuses contact...her loss.

I think you dodged a bullet. She's all Jesus-y but manages to get knocked up in high school? Yea, I'd say she has issues. Maybe entire subscriptions.

BTDT. I rediscovered a high school best friend on FB. It didn't turn out well, either. She had become a completely different person than I once knew. She had so changed and become a stranger that we didn't have a common ground to become reacquainted so I did a quiet fade.

Life has stages. Sometimes the people you knew in one stage of life change so much that there is no reason to continue a connection. It does hurt, but it's probably for the best that you drop the rope and move on.

I have just had an attack of "the balls" and finally texted the acquaintance like "you tell me WTF is going on with her RTF NOW". Apparently, the story is she sent out a mass text and wrote off anyone who didn't respond or some shit. I'm not buying this for a shit-soaked SECOND. I know she's hiding herself because there is no way that EVERYONE in our social circle missed the text, INCLUDING SAID ACQUAINTANCE, who only found out because she got lucky and bumped into her on campus. Acquaintance said she is going to try to talk to her. I am just.. I just literally can't fucking even.

This is absolutely beyond my threshold.. If you fuck up and have a kid before you're ready and you are so scared that you don't want to talk to the ONLY people that have treasured you in school throughout your younger years then what the bleeding fuck is the point of having friends at all? Her trust for me, seemingly, has proven cheap and I am totally dismayed beyond my words. Just... Fuck.

Honestly, now I'm not even sure if I'll be able to keep my composure should she actually contact me. I'm trying to calm down so I don't blow a bitch to scraps! I don't call me Catharsist for my health!

what the bleeding fuck is the point of having friends at all

Catharsist, I feel for you. I really do. I didn't have hardly any friends during my school years, but when the few that I did have turned tail on me and headed for the hills, for who knows what reason, I just chalked it up to one of those things that happen in life.

Really, you'll run into her one day. And you can laugh. Or call her out for being a hypocrite. Or tell her all the cool things you're doing sans children hanging off your ass.

Peace to you.

Honestly, I think I'm being unwise to react with this much vitriol and fervency... And I'm only saying this because it won't be the last time a friend goes the way of the diaper.. I should probably get used to this... I've just never actually had this happen to me with such a close friend before. I mean we were attached at the hip for 98% of our high school years.

I'm just angry because it's painful, but perhaps it would behoove me to simply accept it. I'm sorry I'm spamming this thread so much but this has been steadily pissing me off for the past five years.. I just hope that I learn why she fucked off so suddenly and dramatically. I guess I need closure or something.

I'm very sorry to hear that, Catharsist.

You mention shame but it could also be she wanted to try and keep it as "quiet" as possible despite the fact things like this usually leak out one way or another. I mean, it was her choice to keep the baby (you mention she was an evangelical Christian but keep in mind they are more likely to get pregnant as teens than mainstream Christians, including Catholics).

Overall it is usually the teens years and the choices one makes that determine their life's path. So in this case you have one girl who got pregnant in high school, and the other girl, a WannaMoo who had 2 kids, college and a job. It's not uncommon for teen friends to split up like that - and keep in mind that once a girl does get pignant she has almost no time for friends, never mind time for herself because she is taking care of kids 24/7/365.

If both these girls are as busy with their brats as they sound, maybe it is time to let them go even though you were once close to them. Or communicate with them about an annual be-in-touch thing (and it does not have to be at Christmas.)

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

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selidororous
I'm very sorry to hear that, Catharsist.

You mention shame but it could also be she wanted to try and keep it as "quiet" as possible despite the fact things like this usually leak out one way or another. I mean, it was her choice to keep the baby (you mention she was an evangelical Christian but keep in mind they are more likely to get pregnant as teens than mainstream Christians, including Catholics).

Overall it is usually the teens years and the choices one makes that determine their life's path. So in this case you have one girl who got pregnant in high school, and the other girl, a WannaMoo who had 2 kids, college and a job. It's not uncommon for teen friends to split up like that - and keep in mind that once a girl does get pignant she has almost no time for friends, never mind time for herself because she is taking care of kids 24/7/365.

If both these girls are as busy with their brats as they sound, maybe it is time to let them go even though you were once close to them. Or communicate with them about an annual be-in-touch thing (and it does not have to be at Christmas.)

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

One has the two brats, the other is merely a wannabreeder. Just wanted to clarify. I'm going to give this only a little more time before I hang it up. That's my decision as of now.

I think you might be taking this too hard. It might have little to do with you.

I've encountered all types of assholes so maybe I am just jaded. Forget them and move on is how I look at it. Of course I'm probably twice as old as you, and like I say - I've had plenty of asshole experience.

The Noodler is right. Eventually this will fade and you'll look back on it all in a different light. Sometimes people just fall out of touch because they move, life changes, etc. too.

I realize all this. I'm just angry. I know it's unwise and that I am taking too hard. I said so not too long in a previous post. For now I'm fine I just want some sort of closure. As in I want to know what the problem was that she just up and left like that.

I'm going to jump in and add my two cents:

Let. It. Go.

If she was a true friend she would not have cut you off like that. I've been through this situation myself. I was great friends with this girl once...even quit my job to move to Tampa to help her out after surgery. This is the same girl who literally dropped me after hurricane Katrina hit here and she left. Didn't hear from her until her hubby left for Iraq (she was active duty as well) and she was all alone in Tampa. Then she got in touch when she had no one around. She talked me into quitting my job and school to come down to help her after her surgery on her hands. At this time she decided to divorce her hubby while he was in Iraq. I had to help her drive from her home state back down to Tampa because her family was giving her a car. While we were there, she was constantly using my phone. I didn't know it but she was using me as a shield to cheat on her husband. When I had left, she had flown him down to be with her that weekend unknown to me. When I had packed up and headed there, I found out what she had done and that he was coming back. She told everyone it was because I was there that she didn't want anyone around....it was because her fuck buddy was there. I lasted 10 days before packing up and heading back. It took me 6 years to recover financially from that (and the bitch had the gall to tell me she paid my bills which was BULLSHIT!). I also realize that I was the DUF but I think karma is coming back on her as she is gaining the weight . In fact, I plan to visit said bitch as soon as my program is over to, you know, "catch up" :satan.

I'm looking forward to it

Ugh. That blows. Sorry to hear it.

Was your friend aware of your anti-breeder sentiments before she sprogged? Maybe she thinks you'll disapprove. Or maybe she's ashamed on some level due to some weird Xtian belief. That's if you give her the benefit of the doubt.

Otherwise, it looks like a typical case of a breeder shutting herself off from her "past" and everyone else in the adult world. It's very weird that the acquaintance AND friend are ignoring you. I'd take it as a sign that, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to be contacted...at least right now. The reason why is anyone's guess. Pignancy hormones do weird things to women's brains sometimes for months/years after birfin'. :crz

I think it's shame, personally. I am definitely child-free but my parents shamed me to an extreme when I had some tough times in my late teens and 20s. I also lost contact with most of my friends from high school, I was so ashamed to even exist that I didn't want to contact them at all. I finally did reconnect with a lot of people when I finally got onto FB. That was a couple of decades later.

Maybe she only wants to contact someone who she wasn't that close to? Maybe the shame is less? I just felt that I had let everyone down so much I wanted to spare others from even hearing my voice.

That's just my experience.

Catharsist,

I feel you too. I too dealt with this crap with former friends. It really sucks to see a once a fun-loving and caring friend turn into a completely different person. And dropping me if I no longer exist to them.

When this first happened to me, I too felt angry and betrayed. Then I realized that people go through changes in life.

My advice is to let it go and move on. And it's not your fault. People change in life. It will hurt for a while, but trust me, you will get through this.

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spawn
I know what you mean. My freinds suddenly dissapeared after I started having kids. I guess they don't like the fact that I can procreate. Maybe they are jealous because i'm happy with my kids and they can't find someone to give them children.

Oh well to each his own.

Scat, you! :yeah

spooge said

My IQ level is astronomically low I'm such a Sali Kuta

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rudeawakening

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spawn
I know what you mean. My freinds suddenly dissapeared after I started having kids. I guess they don't like the fact that I can procreate. Maybe they are jealous because i'm happy with my kids and they can't find someone to give them children.

Oh well to each his own.

Scat, you! :yeah

Good advice.

Beware the mods who have edit power and will fuck thee up.

Yeah. Won't be pretty.

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Dorisan

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rudeawakening

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spawn
I know what you mean. My freinds suddenly dissapeared after I started having kids. I guess they don't like the fact that I can procreate. Maybe they are jealous because i'm happy with my kids and they can't find someone to give them children.

Oh well to each his own.

Scat, you! :yeah

Good advice.

Beware the mods who have edit power and will fuck thee up.

I'm a Kuttiya.

:: points an imperious finger at the breeder who is obviously out-their-fukkin'-mind::

Spawn.. Get.. The fuck.. Out.. Of my thread..

Your commentary is as worthless as the putrified meat between your ears. Perhaps you should spend more time with the children that supposedly, I doubt, make you happy and stop trolling forums full of people who blissfully don't share in your sexually-transmitted strife. We don't kneel down to lick your ass here. We don't have sympathy for your lack of forethought, and we certainly don't feel that happiness comes from what can spew from your genitals if you aren't careful. In short, you are in the wroooooong neighborhood. If you want your goodies licked, you may wish to go to reddit, or to the childfree life, they're always looking for more breeder ass to suckle. You've been told. Out, you knave. If you wish to actually say something WORTHWHILE, you may. If not, fuck off.

:: turns to the smart (non-breeder) people::

Thank you guys for being so supportive of me. Since my last post I haven't heard a single thing from either acquaintance or.. Former friend. I have decided it is wiser to move on. Thank you all for your commentary. Although I neglected to answer a previous question: no, she didn't know my stance on children at the time she left because I didn't even know the word "childfree" existed back then. And children weren't even a thought on the horizon because I was too focused on my schooling to daydream about those sorts of things.

As far as I can remember I didn't even take any stance on children UNTIL I was already a sophomore in college. At that point it would have been way too late for her claim that as a reason. But as it stands, I can't change the situation it seems and so.. Oh well. I wanted to, but she doesn't seem open to it so I feel the next best course of action is prize the friends that I do still have! Such as you guys and my roommate and my coworkers and family.

Yeah, people come and people go from our lives. I guess one just has to be happy to have them in our lives, if only for a little while. Even I still struggle with that sometimes.

Catharsist, I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. I have had a couple of close friends just out of the blue stop all contact. No rhyme or reason to it. It really does leave you with a lot of questions. I hope you get the closure you need.