My cousin, the twee breeder blahgger... :rolleyes2

I'm pretty much estranged from my idiot famblee (both sides), but once in a while, I search for something with which to amuse myself.

This idiot cousin of mine is the Goldyn Gwandchyyyyld on my dad's side...and certainly acts like it. She wrote this blog post like she's the first in human history to ever fucking sluice a goddamned twat croissant. Most of her blog prior to the loaf's arrival was about her trips and other shit. Now...it's ALL about teh loaf!

http://chineseginger.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-end.html

(Warning: If you dare to check this out, she has pics of her piggo belleh henna tattooed in the beginning...)

Now, some excerpts:

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Her Royal Tweeness
Oscar was born almost three weeks ago, and in between the endless feedings, diaper changes, and sweet sweet little baby cuddles, I've been thinking a lot about the end of my pregnancy. Before he was born, I thought I might feel sad. I thought I might mourn the amazing belly I'd grown and all of the wondrous things my body was doing to create and sustain life. But that has not been the case.

Don't we hear this shit in just about EVERY moo blog post? eyes2

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HRT
Oscar spent over 41 weeks growing inside of me, and though our labor did not start naturally (more on this later), I feel like I was pregnant for the perfect amount of time. I can truly say that even though some aspects of it were challenging- diminished lung capacity, diminished energy, diminished wardrobe- I loved being pregnant. I felt healthy, special, and beautiful, and before I begin writing about Matt's and my incredible transformation into parents, I just want to give a little space to my third trimester- and to the end of a very cool time in my life.

It's the end of your independent adult life, you dumb fuck! :Violin

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HRT
Matt and I spent time together. We have always prioritized our relationship, and experiencing pregnancy as a couple deepened our connection in so many ways. I can't wait to write about how much I love watching him become a father.

Did he get a henna tat on his belly, morning sickness, weight gain and weird cravings too? Did he experience labor right along with you? larious

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More Sickening Tweeness
I documented changes. I didn't take pictures every day, but I took enough to remember my lovely round shape during this time. I also sent them to my parents and sisters, who all live out of state.

Holy shit...as if these morons don't know what inpig looks like! :headbrick

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Barfness
And speaking of changes. I spent a lot of time in Oscar's room before he was born, sitting in the chair where I couldn't wait to read to him, organizing the diapers that he'd get plenty of use out of, and staring into the crib where he'd sleep- waiting for the biggest change of all.

Fucking weirdo...she'll be just like that moo in Love You Forever

(And these special people wonder why I want nothing to do with them...)

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

Appropriate that she titled this festival of navel-gazing "The End", because that's what it is. The end of independence, spontaneity, sex, and her relationship with her husband as she knows it.

Give it time. The reality WILL sink in.
by that time, all will be destroyed and they are left blinking in the dust wondering what happened

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

If someone was regularly sending me pictures of her 'lovely round (prego) shape,' they'd get blocked faster than you can say 'third trimester.' Even it was my sister.

Any moo who says she enjoys feeding, changing diapers, and taking care of her loaf is in fucking DENIAL and delusional.

Give it a few months and her marriage will be destroyed and she will starting thinking about a PNA.

~~~~~~~~~~~
I miss my little feather baby.

If she was so excited to get a lovely round shape and big belly, she could have just drank a bunch of beer and cola and saved herself the hassle.

It'll wear off. After a solid week of changing a pee-soaked diaper only to have to change the diaper 15 minutes later because the infant has shit itself or the baby has a righteous case of the shits complete with blowouts and the diapers don't quite contain the loads, changing diapers will get old real damn quick.

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"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan

Morning sickness forcing her to drop out of a ski race she had wanted to do for weeks was a warning of the hell she was in for!

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bop
If she was so excited to get a lovely round shape and big belly, she could have just drank a bunch of beer and cola and saved herself the hassle.

And the resulting gas would have been much less painful and expensive than shitting a loaf.

Yanno, that's the sort of thing you write in a baby journal, to be passed on to the kid when it's an adult (and for the now-grown kid to say "my mom wrote all this crap? EMBARRASSING!" ::quickly sticks journal in a bottom drawer, under never worn boxer shorts::: ) It's the sort of thing that used to be a staple of sloppy 70s movies, where the mother is dying of cancer and leaves recorded messages for the child they'll never see.

Since when did people think that the general public rilly-rilly wanted to read that twee crap? If it ends up in the view of snarkmeisters like us, the writer only has their self to blame

She's probably going to raise a narcissistic little bastard that will end up murdering her in her sleep. eyes2

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Dorisan
Since when did people think that the general public rilly-rilly wanted to read that twee crap? If it ends up in the view of snarkmeisters like us, the writer only has their self to blame

Especially if said snarkmeister is a relative

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

The tweeness continues...she's started a new blahg dedicated exclusively to the famblee lyfeskriypt:

http://thenolsennest.com/

I give this shit 5 double pukes:

I'll continue the snarkfest, but feel free to add your own special snark to it!

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

She had to have a C-section because the loaf's shoulder was against her tailbone preventing giving birth the natural way. She traded in her lovely round shape for a huge ugly scar and Satan's minion. Heh.

Oh my Gosh, that blog!
Especially how she gushes about her clump over there.
And of course she only thinks of him as the next Albert Einstein, when that clump can also turn out to be the next mass murderer or something. But that of course never crosses the mind of breeders.

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darkerthanblack
Oh my Gosh, that blog!
Especially how she gushes about her clump over there.
And of course she only thinks of him as the next Albert Einstein, when that clump can also turn out to be the next mass murderer or something. But that of course never crosses the mind of breeders.

I wonder where breeders think mass murderers come from. Have they not noticed we're don't co-exist with psycho toons disguising themselves as real humans and killing people (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, anyone?)

I'm usually strongly anti-body shaming, not exactly being Beyonce myself and being a bit paranoid that I can look pregnant at times, but JEEEEEZ, that pic of the piggo belly with the henna tattoo, WHY???!!! I'm glad we don't live in a society where people are still so prudish about sex that pregnant women are expected to hide away by wearing tents, but that's going too far in the opposite direction. I don't like seeing men with their beerguts hanging out and I don't want to see naked baybee bumps either. Flaunting a naked bump AND putting a henna tattoo on it? It all just screams "LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!"

I think it's pretty telling that she called the final post "THE END" and decided to end her original blog once the sprog arrived, and that the new blog is still all about the details of the birth and all about her (and her cervix, in great detail- cheers for that). Now the sprog is here he must be the centre of attention in the wider world outside her blog, not her with baby showers held in her honour and people tolerating her shoving her "amazing belly" in their faces. She's even written more about arranging and stacking the nappies than she has about the sprog himself, his personality, his behaviour etc- it all smacks of extreme narcissism.

I've previously mentioned two friends of mine who have twins, two creative, arty types working in music and graphic design. When their twins reached five years old they compiled all of their cutest photos and funniest quotes into a PDF, sent it off to a printer and had it published as a little hardback book. They ordered a few copies for friends and family and kept one for each twin. I got one and it's a lovely thing, and two things about it strike me as different: 1. It's very tastefully done with nice fonts, layouts etc, and 2. It's all about the twins and for the twins, not their parents- there are no piggo belly pics, no humiliating photos of the twins naked or doing anything embarrassing, nothing about nappy changes, potty time, etc, and lots of pics of them developing as individuals with their own interests- drawing, music etc and playing with their friends. It was also sent to a few select people to read in private rather than posted online for attention where any creep could access it, or where the children could later be publicly embarrassed by anything. It's a world away from the narcissistic breeder blogs I see linked to on here. I suppose it's a modern version of a photo album, and more tasteful than the modern trend of posting up photos, private moments and TMI for all and sundry to see online,.

Barf...I'm reading teh birfin' story:

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Her Royal Tweeness
Before our labor experience, I never, ever, ever pictured myself having a C-section. I knew it was possible, but I’d had such a low-key, healthy pregnancy that in my mind, it just didn’t fit our birth story. I do remember thinking that if I ever had a C-section, I would know intellectually that as long as our baby was healthy, it wouldn’t matter, but that emotionally I might grieve the Labor that Might Have Been.

"Our Birth Story"...what a load of :BS eyes2

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More Tweeness
He was out, he was born, he was free. Someone’s hands brought him to our side of the curtain, and we saw him for the first time: perfect, chubby, red and purply, beautiful beautiful beautiful. And we heard him cry. He cried! I’d been warned that about half of C-section babies do not cry, but ours did, and it was simultaneously the newest and oldest and best sound my ears had ever heard. Then Matt was by his side, and he cut the umbilical cord, and within an instant, Oscar was lying between us. I don’t remember what I said to him, maybe “Hello,” but I said something, and when he heard my voice, he stopped crying, and then I could no longer speak. That first moment with him is a moment that is in my heart forever.

While I'm always looking for snarking material, I really hope she doesn't spew this crap about all of her future kyds... ::brbl

And now...the lone moronic comment:

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Peanut Gallery
Oh Jenne, thanks for sharing! I loved hearing about this and I’m sorry you didn’t get your ” ideal” birth. But you pleased it so well, Oscar is now in the world and got here safely so that’s as ideal as it gets! So much can happen during that process that it’s not so cut and dry now. IMHO- I would get a second/third opinion on doing c sections every birth from now though. If that’s important to you, at least dig around and see if it can be done. That way you won’t regret having been able to and not. It might not change biology, but you may find someone with non-traditional techniques who could be a resource. I look forward to more Oscar posts! He’s adorbs!!!!

larious larious larious larious

Christ on a fucking cracker...can this shit get any more pathetic?

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

She updated! Beware of the pic of a bloody autograph from her placenta!
http://thenolsennest.com/2014/11/11/planning-for-postpartum-life/

Anyone familiar with the cartoon show Hey Arnold? I love that show! When I first read about this woman's blog and her naming her son Oscar, I got to thinking of a certain couple in Hey Arnold. The couple's names are Oskar, a self-absorbed man child, and Suzie who wears the pants in hers and Oskar's relationship and does all the work paying bills because Oskar is lazy.

More barfness...

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Queen of Twee
I was committed to breastfeeding, but within a few days of Oscar’s birth, I had very damaged nipples (I will devote another post to this), and I needed help.

You definitely need help...eyes2 (Dollars to doughnuts, my dumb-ass cousin will post pics of said damaged nipples )

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Twee Queen
My dad sent me an article about placenta encapsulation really early on in our pregnancy. I read it, briefly considered it, and shelved it- until I talked with two friends who had encapsulated their placentas and were really happy with the results.

Why encapsulate? There is basically no empirical evidence to support it, but there is a plethora of anecdotal evidence. After giving birth, a woman’s hormone levels drop from all-time highs to near-menopausal lows, and ingesting one’s placenta can help to even out that transition. It can also help with milk production, energy and iron levels, and postpartum depression. As a person who grapples with anxiety, I was eager to try something that could mitigate the anxiety I might feel as a new mom. Plus, I reasoned, the hospital was just going to toss out this precious organ; why not make use of it?

What kills me here is that her duh sent her this crap

This precious organ...what people in the sane world refer to as medical waste. ::brbl

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Barftastic finale
I know ingesting your own organ might sound weird, but it is worth- at the very least- considering. Humans are among the only mammals who don’t, and we should maybe rethink that.

Good fucking gravy, I'm glad I disowned this twee bitch! ::brbl (Although snarking on her stupid blog is entertaining... larious)

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

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popcornculturejunkie
(Dollars to doughnuts, my dumb-ass cousin will post pics of said damaged nipples )

After seeing the pic of the placenta souvenirs, I knew a pic of her messed up nipples she treats with the placenta salve wasn't far behind..

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popcornculturejunkie

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Twee Queen
My dad sent me an article about placenta encapsulation really early on in our pregnancy. I read it, briefly considered it, and shelved it- until I talked with two friends who had encapsulated their placentas and were really happy with the results.

Why encapsulate? There is basically no empirical evidence to support it, but there is a plethora of anecdotal evidence. After giving birth, a woman’s hormone levels drop from all-time highs to near-menopausal lows, and ingesting one’s placenta can help to even out that transition. It can also help with milk production, energy and iron levels, and postpartum depression. As a person who grapples with anxiety, I was eager to try something that could mitigate the anxiety I might feel as a new mom. Plus, I reasoned, the hospital was just going to toss out this precious organ; why not make use of it?

What kills me here is that her duh sent her this crap

I knew somebody in here would latch onto the fact her duh sent an placenta themed article instead of her moo sending it. Why the hell would a man want to research placenta in his free time and share his findings around?! In his circle of male friends, he's likely the one nobody likes.

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beezle
I knew somebody in here would latch onto the fact her duh sent an placenta themed article instead of her moo sending it. Why the hell would a man want to research placenta in his free time and share his findings around?! In his circle of male friends, he's likely the one nobody likes.

Her whole immediate famblee's fucking weird...I wouldn't put it past her duh. eyes2

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

Yeah, honestly, even though it sucks, it will probably wear off. It's just novelty. If anyone particularly likes giving breeders a dose of truth (I always am) buy the "I'm okay you're a brat" book and give it to them as a baby shower gift. The longest chapter in the book is all the shit you get to give up post-birth. I know I bring it up a lot but it's my favorite default gift ever.

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catharsist
Yeah, honestly, even though it sucks, it will probably wear off. It's just novelty. If anyone particularly likes giving breeders a dose of truth (I always am) buy the "I'm okay you're a brat" book and give it to them as a baby shower gift. The longest chapter in the book is all the shit you get to give up post-birth. I know I bring it up a lot but it's my favorite default gift ever.

I'm also thinking of adding "40 Reasons Not to Have Kids" to that list

_________________________________________________________

Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

So glad I was born before blogs and social media. All my embarrassing bowel movement stories and food-face pics are tucked firmly in my baby books where no one will ever see them without my consent. That's one thing these moos don't ever consider: whether their sprogs would WANT this intimate information shared. It's all about wringing as much attention as possible from every step of pignancy and beyond.

I'm also glad both of my sibs are adamantly childfree like me. I'll (hopefully) be spared the experience of watching them behave this way. Sorry 'bout your cousin, OP.