Attention parents: this is why you need childfree friends

A friend of mine who I haven't seen much since she had her baby in the summer phoned me out of the blue today in a terrible state - she had been taken suddenly into hospital after collapsing, her husband was 100 miles away on a site visit for work, and not one single one of her mummy friends was able to come and help, because they are all busy with their kids. So, guess who she has to phone - the childfree friend who doesn't have a brood and can reschedule their shit to help a friend in need at short notice.

Think very carefully, parents, before dropping your childfree friends because you think you don't have anything in common with them any more. You might just need all that free time and flexibility that the CF have to help you in a time of need. Your CF friend is far more likely to be the one hightailing it across the city to get to you when the shit hits the fan than your parent friend. Your CF friend will still remember that you like Ribena when you're poorly, that your guilty pleasure is reading Hello magazine. Your mummy friend has to consider Bratleigh's routine, she can't bring Bratleigh to a hospital because really, other than as patients, a hospital ward full of sick people is not a place for young children. She probably has baby yoga, baby massage, or beefing support group to go to.

Generous thing to do.

I'm interested in hearing a followup. Will she be properly thankful; maybe offer a small gift? Will she act like your gesture was something owed to her since she's providing the world with a future cancer curer? Or will you fall back to the lower end of her radar?

Good on ya, yummy. That was sweet that you remembered such things, too-- which make all the difference in the world when a person isn't well. :emoheart

Yeah, like Dorisan said-- would like to hear a followup, when/if possible.

Good job, yummy. The world needs reliable folks.

When I have played the cavalry in the past, it hasn't been for ass-pats, but I do appreciate it when people show some form of gratitude.

I wouldn't have helped her.

But I'm also a cold bitch.

If ya wanna have brats, then deal with the problems that may happen in your life instead asking someone else to hold your wittle hand.

You'll eventually be placed back into the dark corner until she needs you again for something.

~~~~~~~~~~~
I miss my little feather baby.

Yummy, you're a better person than me. I wouldn't have helped her, I remove the moo from my contacts list so if moo did call I would think why the hell is this stranger bothering me.

The times when I did help breeders, I didn't even get a simple thank you. Just more demand to spend time and money on their brat, and ignored the rest of the time.

I'm curious if moo will thank you for taking time out of your life to help her.

Friend is fairly PNB, for the most part. She cares full time for her husband's two kids, one of whom has severe mental health issues, the other was neglected by his moo. We met when we were both youth workers, she has a boundless energy for taking care of kids that I just don't have. There is no way on this earth I'd take on full time care of a bloke's troubled children, however nice the guy was.

She was a bit shamefaced yesterday when I went to the hospital and muttered "sorry I've been so bad at keeping in touch lately" so it will, indeed, be interesting to see what happens after this. I'm picking up her husband and baby later to take them to visit, after I finish work. Her husband text me last night to say thank you for stepping in at short notice.

I wonder what will happen, because by the sound of it, these new Moo friends she's made seem very self-involved, and some of them even criticized her for not persisting with beefing even though her baby, at the time, was starving because she couldn't produce enough. She was telling me yesterday she often felt it was a competition with her mum friends, and she missed hanging out with her pre-baby crew. But, you never know with parents, they cannot, entirely, be trusted, even sometimes the ones who are more PNB.

My money is that moo goes back to her moo friends.

As a general rule, I have no use for people who only need me in jam or want something from me and once they get it put me on the back burner.

capcha: yuupy

Sums up my thoughts on kids eyes2

I'd rather not be kept around for the sole reason that I am loyal and reliable and be the one that rescues everyone because my life is so "flexible". Been there, done it. Sometimes just the fact that a person has those traits puts them on the doormat list. I've had people actually tell me they like me because of that and that they are not so good so they are happy to have a good friend like me because it makes up for them being assholes. And how it's great that people like me are so willing to give and ask nothing in return. Yep, really? Says who? My philosophy is one hand washes the other, friends should there for each other. Can't imagine why anyone would think a person should sacrifice themselves for someone who doesn't give a crap about them.

If this friend would do the same for you, and be there for you if you needed help that's great. If she has those moo friends to do moo things, fine, but if she puts you aside again in favor of them, that's a bad deal.

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yummynotmummy
I wonder what will happen, because by the sound of it, these new Moo friends she's made seem very self-involved, and some of them even criticized her for not persisting with beefing even though her baby, at the time, was starving because she couldn't produce enough. She was telling me yesterday she often felt it was a competition with her mum friends, and she missed hanging out with her pre-baby crew.

And yet another reason to work to keep friends who know nothing about that crap.

My response would have been (after throwing her a blank, "I dunno wtf you are talking about" look) "wow, sorry to hear about that. have you asked your doctor if there is something you can do?" then
" pfffft I've heard that some women can be real bitches about tit-feeding (unlike her moo friends, she could count on me to not be all holy about what to call the practice) I wouldn't listen to them. I know you are doing your best."

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yummynotmummy
But, you never know with parents, they cannot, entirely, be trusted, even sometimes the ones who are more PNB.

I guess it depends on how much you want her to be back in your life. With her other issues involving her husband's spawn, my bet is that she'll drop off the map again. But if I had a friend who thought she could keep me as a small side branch on her calling tree, I'd feel like at least firing off a parting shot "look, I'm your one source of non-judgemental, detached-from-kids sanity. You want to sink back into the black lagoon of motherhood and have your confidence shaken by mothers who think they know everything, fine. Just know that I'm probably the one person left who knows you, not the tit-latched mommy that everyone else sees."

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Dorisan
I guess it depends on how much you want her to be back in your life. With her other issues involving her husband's spawn, my bet is that she'll drop off the map again. But if I had a friend who thought she could keep me as a small side branch on her calling tree, I'd feel like at least firing off a parting shot "look, I'm your one source of non-judgemental, detached-from-kids sanity. You want to sink back into the black lagoon of motherhood and have your confidence shaken by mothers who think they know everything, fine. Just know that I'm probably the one person left who knows you, not the tit-latched mommy that everyone else sees."

Well, we all screw up occasionally. However, she is not going to get to do it again. If she goes back to her moo crew, her loss - she will not get to sideline me again.

Part of the issue is her husband - Dog knows why he had 4 kids, because he doesn't particularly like any of them. First, his son came to live with them, because his Moo wasn't coping with him, and he wasn't pleased at that. Next, his teenage daughter was pretty much dropped on his doorstep because her Moo threw her out - he wanted her to go back to her moo, but my friend insisted she stay, because she is quite vulnerable - her birthmoo drinks heavily, has had a string of relationships with men who have either hit her or done criminal things, and my friend didn't think she should go back. I was appalled, quite frankly, that my friend's husband hadn't hot footed it to court a long time ago for custody, knowing the state of her birthmoo and the way she was being raised.

I think my friend has managed to get him to shape up a little, but he's still pretty lazy about doing anything around the house, or with the kids. She has to pester him into it, so perhaps it will do him some good to have to deal with his own spawn for a change and realise how much she does, and give her a break now and then.

Welp, I had a BFF when I was a teen, until she sprogged in her early twenties. Then, the only time I heard from her after that was when she needed a loaf-sitter. I was convenient because I had no kyds, and apparently had all this free time on my hands.

The last time I saw her was when I loaf-sat her FOUR kyds (a freakin' nightmare for me) while she and her fuck of the week went grocery shopping. That was the last straw for me. I cut off all contact with her and haven't heard from her since. The weird thing was, that I hadn't heard from her in AGES before this call.

It's really sad, because we were very close when we were young, and I was friends with her even when she did her stint in group-homes and went through rehab. As soon as she got knocked up, I no longer mattered to her except for what she could get from me.

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yummynotmummy
I think my friend has managed to get him to shape up a little, but he's still pretty lazy about doing anything around the house, or with the kids. She has to pester him into it, so perhaps it will do him some good to have to deal with his own spawn for a change and realise how much she does, and give her a break now and then.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It won't. Believe me, it will not get better for her.

That is my sister, all over again. She was dating a widower with three kids and almost decided to bail on the guy but decided that the kids needed her. Widower also presented a facade of worried, caring fatherhood, but that disappeared when he and my sister married. Now, she is a step-mom to two fucked up kids (my older sister calls the boy a psychopath) and wife to a guy who wants to lay around and game. Fucker. Sister says she'd feel guilty about "abandoning" his kids (one aged out of the family and is on her own), plus the situation works out well, financially, for her. She's in poor health, can't work much, and still has a young teen of her own. Still, life is hard for her.

The kind of guys who sniff out "rescuers" don't change. Oh, he may straighten up for a short period when it looks like Wife might bail, but they always-always go back to being assholes.

If she drops you again, I'd block her number and consider it a wipe. You do not want to be around those kind of situations.

I don't see the need to advertise why people need friends who have some characteristic. Either people see the value in their friends or they don't, and I don't need to convince anyone who doesn't see the value in my friendship.

Very generous thing to do. I applaud such caring actions.

However, if someone was only my friend for what they would get out of me I would have to keep my distance.

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So.. We know that food and water are running out, with overpopulation and all... Yet people keep on poppin' out those babies! I guess they want to have their baby and eat it too...

My top reason is that parenting gives you a free license to be selfish based purely on the fact that you're being selfish for an emanation of your own self. The illusion that what you do to benefit your children benefits them solely is a fallacy. Every parent benefits from the benefits that their children receive. Henceforth, it gives one a license to perpetuate a dog-eat-dog mentality that I perceive to be amoral. Parents say that their children are their greatest loves, what they forget to add is that they are their ONLY loves and only because their children are a reflection of themselves. I prefer to be able to love multiple people and have lasting relationships of many types and possess the essential core value of empathy for all than to restrict myself to an echo chamber of ego-masturbation and self-serving chicanery.

In short: Not parenting makes you a better person.

Yummy, I give you credit for helping her, as that is not something I would be able to do.

While I do admire your kind heart, I don't know if I'd move a finger for a person who casts me aside when they move forward with their life. For me, the friendship ends there and such person becomes an acquaintance. Friendships are 50-50 partnership. The person is there for me and I'm there for the person.
I also don't like the idea of being a "911" for breeders. I'm not here for their convenience.
But I see your point, more or less.

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"Don't you know how to deal with children?!"
"I don't like animals who act on instinct."
I think you're on to something Akihiko.

I don't need anyone advertising to breeders that I should be kept around to get them out of a jam. I don't need people in my life who use me and forget I exist until their next emergency. I don't put up with that kind of user behavior from friends without brats, I'm sure as hell not going to tolerate it from breeders.

I tried keeping in touch with friends who spawned and it just didn't work. They couldn't talk about anything but their brats and just had to have them around all the damn time.

It's exhausting to be the one shoring up the relationship all the time and not worth it at all for me.

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Shrieking babbies are the most effective birth control on earth.

If your friend had called ME, she would have had to hold the phone away from her ear because my maniacal laughing would have popped her little precious moo eardrums.

If she hasn't previously made the effort to keep up your relationship since before she contacted you, then she can fuck the FUCK OFF.

BED. MADE. LIE.

By the way, prepare to be thoroughly USED AGAIN in the future by Mooo.

~~~~~~~~~~~
I miss my little feather baby.

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drake
By the way, prepare to be thoroughly USED AGAIN in the future by Mooo.

I hope this is a "fool me once" life lesson for Yummy that won't be repeated.

Yummy - I don't know your age or how long you've been out with your CF orientation or choice, but let this be a lesson and know that it likely will be one of many discoveries in the ways that CFs are divided from parents. It's why most of us have our guard up towards people we consider friends - even family. There are just too many ways to be let down by people once they breed.

Yummy,

I echo the other posters. Expect to be used again by this "friend" who only has time for you when she needs something. I've been CF for 30 years. I've had siblings desperately try to use me for time, talent, and treasure because I have no kids and therefore must be rolling in extra cash, and time. I've had "friends" try to take advantage of my musical talents and free time because they had kids and I don't. Free lessons, anybody?

If you agree to help them in a pinch just once, parents seem to think they can call on you whenever they want something, regardless of how you'd feel in future situations.

Since this person couldn't be bothered to maintain the friendship after she sprogged, I don't think she was worth your free time at all. It's very telling that her moo friends whom she values, couldn't be bothered to help her because of their own kids. In effect, she had dumped you for these mommy, fair-weather friends who blew her off when she needed them.

I would NEVER help her again. Let her go to her mommy friends. If they blow her, off, then too bad. Sux to be her. You're CF, and life is short. Do you want to be guilt tripped into giving your free time to breeders who only want to use you?

A real friendship has reciprocity as one of it's values.

In all of my breeder friendships, the giving was always expected to be one way : CF ---> breeder

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In all of my breeder friendships, the giving was always expected to be one way : CF ---> breeder

So true, and unfortunately this doesn't stop at the Grandmoo level either. My Grandmoo friend doesn't expect me to interact with the brats, (because there is no way in Hell that would ever happen) but she has a superiority complex that drives me nuts. She acts as if her time is so much more important and nobody is more tired than she is because she is the free chyld care for her daughter's two ill-conceived little sprogs. She's just so put-upon, due to her inability to say no.

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I think my friend has managed to get him to shape up a little, but he's still pretty lazy about doing anything around the house, or with the kids. She has to pester him into it, so perhaps it will do him some good to have to deal with his own spawn for a change and realise how much she does, and give her a break now and then

.

She sounds like she bred with a loser. This situation isn't going to turn out well. You sound kind-hearted. (I'll be the first to admit I've done some stupid things for people too.) But don't let her take you down with her.

Yummy, what you did was generous, but I also take issue with the implication that breeders should maintain (so-called) friendships with CF people so that they can extract favors from us.

Anyone who does that can feel free to go fuck themselves. I have one particular semi-friend who treated everyone who wouldn't worship her and her pregnant gut like shit during her first pregnancy. And once the kid was born, she started cutting her childfree and childless friends out of her life. Fine, that's her decision to make. But if she ever calls me up out of the blue needing a favor, even an emergency, she's going to be treated the same way she’s treated me for the last few years. Fuck that, she can call up her mommy friends if she needs something. Or she can call a cab.

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alana
Yummy, what you did was generous, but I also take issue with the implication that breeders should maintain (so-called) friendships with CF people so that they can extract favors from us.

Anyone who does that can feel free to go fuck themselves. I have one particular semi-friend who treated everyone who wouldn't worship her and her pregnant gut like shit during her first pregnancy. And once the kid was born, she started cutting her childfree and childless friends out of her life. Fine, that's her decision to make. But if she ever calls me up out of the blue needing a favor, even an emergency, she's going to be treated the same way she’s treated me for the last few years. Fuck that, she can call up her mommy friends if she needs something. Or she can call a cab.

If that ever happens and you turn her down, be prepared for her to send flying monkeys after you. Or be judged by other people if it gets out that you "refused to help a mother!" Yummy, take notes on this.

You'll be told to "suck it up. you have an easy life and she doesn't," or "being a little vindictive, aren't you?" or "you should really take the high road. I know she did something nasty, but you'll feel better about yourself if you forgive her and move on."