More of breeders inviting themselves

My husband is working in one state while I started a PhD in another. We have to live apart most of the year, but I am able to go up to our place in his state for most of the summer. Since it is located near a popular beach in the summer, we are already getting requests from breeder relatives who either want their adult spawn and grandspawn to visit or want to come visit themselves. When the amount of time they want free accomodations, pickup and drop off from the airport over an hour away and will likely expect to be fed for every meal, they would be there over four of the eleven weeks I will be up there.
They think because our place is a three bedroom condo that we have tons of room. Truth be told, it isn't terribly big. We keep double beds in two bedrooms. My husband snores and gets up and down all night. If I don't sleep it can trigger a seizure. As a result, we use two bedrooms and converted the third into an office/home gym/place I store my bike. On top of all that, these losers can't be left alone with our precious tiny dog so somebody would have to stay with them and haul them around at all times. I don't have the time, patience or vehicle for hauling spawn and neither does my husband.
On top of that we need the alone time together.
Saying no to these moochers has been about like the bad aunt in Prudie. I'm not sure why people feel entitled to vacations at the expense of others. I also don't see why they feel like they can tell me I should be happy to give up my private space in my bedroom or that we should convert the office back to a third bedroom for the summer because OMG people have kids.
I can't believe people act like this. I just keep rubbing my head, saying no and being thankful these are only relatives by marriage.

Wow, how disgusting... I hope you don't let them down too nicely, because they are being entitled jerks and quite honestly deserve an ass chewing.

Quote
evilchildlessbitch
I also don't see why they feel like they can tell me I should be happy to give up my private space in my bedroom or that we should convert the office back to a third bedroom for the summer because OMG people have kids.

They have absolutely NO right to tell you what you should do with your home, and you have every right to tell them to go fuck themselves and pay for a hotel like normal people.

I wonder how this would go if you inserted "dog" instead of "kids" - there is no way on this planet that I would ever ask someone if I could come stay in their house for a holiday with my dog, because not everyone is a dog person, and he makes a lot of mess. I would not take my dog to the home of anybody that I know does not have a dog-friendly house, or who is not a dog person, and even if I am invited over by someone who is usually fine with dogs, I'd still ask if it's OK that he comes with me. I don't insist that all and sundry must interact with, look after, and love my dog, because I do.

However, when we're talking about kyds, it always seems to be different - you have to bend your rules because OMG kids and OMG we must help the poor parents raising the next generation.

No, fuck that. I pay my taxes, so as far as I am concerned, that's my obligation to everyone else's spawn done and dusted.

Quote
teslafanatic
Wow, how disgusting... I hope you don't let them down too nicely, because they are being entitled jerks and quite honestly deserve an ass chewing.

Which would likely cause arguments, reasons why you have to host them (they'd probably dredge up some minor favor they did for you 18 years ago) and the launch of a fleet of flying monkeys who think it's their business to police the behavior of people they've never met.

A simple "that doesn't work for us" should suffice. Maybe add "we know this area quite well, I can recommend the best hotels." That gives them the opening to be gauche and admit that they can't afford or don't want to pay for food/lodging, which allows the OP to say "oh, that's too bad. maybe you'll have the funds in a few years."

Don't allow an opening for the moochers to make you JADE (justify argue defend explain). Once you start giving reasons, people like that won't have any problem trying to argue his/her way past your objections.

ETA: Evil - your lifestyles also allow you a good out if your in-laws continue to argue. Something like "yanno, I'm going to school at (enter far away location), Dh has a job here. Our time is brief, precious and valued. We do not wish to interrupt it with visitors. I'm sure you can understand." If you have a FB page, I'd be tempted to put that out as a comment directed at the entire family.

And another thing. It's typical, women are expected to be the social organizers, but it sounds like you are the one who is having to turn these people down? They are your Dh's kin. He's the one who needs to tell them "no."

My aunt and uncle had a beach house always overrun like this. My uncle was a hunter, and everyone oohed and aahed at the steaks they pigged out on. He then said it was venison. When the kids asked what that was he said Bambi. Cue need for earplugs.

That ended the self-invites.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

Get these self invites from Takeo's hometown breeders all the time. We need to illustrate the virtues of a college education by hosting brats in our condo and paying for all their expenses including airfare, food, and personalized tours of DC. To show how deluded they are they think I have the mad connections to get bratleigh a White House tour led by Mrs. Obama. Told them to give Takeo a call if they ever have the money for a DC vacation and we'll get together for lunch if our schedule permits.

DH has already told them no. He told them that we had plans for the whole 12 weeks because he would be working and I would either be taking much needed time to relax, honoring volunteer commitments or writing. He feels guilty about telling them no but he doesn't want them there either.
What is funny is we manage to get some super awesome baseball tickets every year in one of those fancy suites where there is a person assigned to your suite only who takes your food and drink order and then brings it to you and my husband's suggestion was we invite my parentsand nephew to come up for the game because we have extra tickets. We will let them stay with us because they don't act like entitled idiots. My nephew is also not an out of control brat since my parents did not raise us that way and are not raising him that way. My sister only became an entitled breeder as an adult well into her 20s so that isn't really their fault but that is a whole different story. My parents have also always been nothing but supportive of my CF status and have even said that it is great to know you don't want kids and not have them.
I like the hotel suggestion but there are no hotels that I know of in our small town. Everything is either owned or a summer rental. The closest one is in Atlantic City and to tell the truth, I don't want them to feel invited up at all. We will still be expected to haul them, feed them and entertain them. If they want to come up, they can find their own dang hotel.

evilchildlessbitch, hi neighbor :1wv

I feel your pain. This is a great state, close to NYC, Philly, the shoreline, with farmland and farms nearby. We have a nice 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath house. Relatives email us, asking us if we have finished with the guest room, because they want to come visit NYC, but they're too cheap to pay for a hotel. They expect lodging, food, and EWR pickups/dropoffs.

You just have to tell the moochers no, and stick with it. You don't want them infringing on your time with the Mr. You two will get so little time together that every moment becomes precious. It's the old story, if they cannot afford lodging, food and travel expenses, then they cannot afford the trip.

ETA: Maybe you DO want them staying in Atlantic City. It's a cesspool city, and what with the casino closings recently, it's a nasty place to be. Put them there for a week and they won't come back

Thank you Peace and hello neighbor
We have already told them we can't host them. It is frustrating because their crap causes stress on our marriage.

You know, I got this too. Suddenly a cousin of mine (H) was very eager to be noticed by me, suddenly sending me Christmas presents (that side of my family does a draw for Christmas presents, and she didn't draw my name or anything). At the time I was kind of drowning in a huge depression since i'd recently been fired and had to start working for minimum wage. I didn't put much thought into the presents and stowed them in the garage.

Weeks passed , my depression got worse and the bank was threatening to for close on our condo. I get a birthday card from H. Again, wtf? H and I barely know each other, we hardly have a relationship. In the card , my aunt or my uncle scribbled in "Hey, stillwaters, H loves to travel!" Oooookay. I toss the card and forget about it. I have other things to think of, such as our dire financial situation and whether I should slit my wrists or buy a gun.

My husband went through bankruptcy, we were squatting in our condo until the bank gave us 30 days to get out, I was still working min wage and feeling completely worthless. Stupid me, I must have been too wrapped up in my own issues to have gotten the clue-by-fours that had been banging me over the head. My mom had to clue me in after a get-together with H's parents, where I'm sure it was subtlety suggested that H WOULD LIKE AN INVITATION TO STAY AT STILLWATERS' SHE LIKES TO TRAVEL AND SHE WANTS TO SEE BOSTON!!!!!!111

Fucking seriously? I'm going through the worst disaster of my life, but I'm supposed to invite houseguests? Of course, they have no idea I'm going through the worst disaster of my life because I barely know them. No, I'm not good enough for a "hey, how are you doing?" every once in awhile, but you bet your ass H can use my house as a free hotel!

I lived in Florida for three years and New York relatives showed up several times on the front steps with suitcases. My mother always sent me to answer the door, where I would say sweetly, "Oh, it's just not possible now. If only you'd let us know" (not that that would have made a difference; I gave the same sentence over the phone). Then I shut the door in their faces and leaned in so that they could hear the door lock.

Don't let yourself be intimidated: if you think you owe people a polite response, remember the possibilities include a polite NO.

Quote
learnernotlurker
I lived in Florida for three years and New York relatives showed up several times on the front steps with suitcases. My mother always sent me to answer the door, where I would say sweetly, "Oh, it's just not possible now. If only you'd let us know" (not that that would have made a difference; I gave the same sentence over the phone). Then I shut the door in their faces and leaned in so that they could hear the door lock.

Don't let yourself be intimidated: if you think you owe people a polite response, remember the possibilities include a polite NO.

:goggle

This is one of my fears - people just 'showing up'. And some of mine - they might wanna move in with me. Let me tell you this - I often say that (most of) my relatives are "Yuppies" - as a brief way to explain that they are educated, middle class people, some may even be a bit snobbish.

That's some of them. There are others who are straight up TRASH. Who have seemingly CHOSEN a trashy lifestyle. And (from what I know) - they aren't really like hard core drunks or addicts - they're just ~ lazy losers, I guess. (Some others are hard core drunks and addicts).

It's a lovely mixed bag eyes2

Those People - I do not need showing up on my door step. One group got evicted from their rental home - and it had BUGS! There's another who's a 'financial swindler' / money moocher, another relative is 'keeping a file' on them eyes2

Even "The Yuppies" are not all that upstanding. One just got divorced. Got served papers on Mother's Day. Was informed of her cheating H by a phone call from his mistress.

Yeah. My Relatives. You'd think we were raised by Wolves and not "Leave It To Beaver" style Suburban Conformos.
Oh and one's 'close relatives' may give one pause about how their own brains are functioning ~ My bro's? One's in prison and the other's a junkie.

Erg.

ALL of these people need to stay AWAY from me!!!
Yes including my own siblings and father, who's also a drunken asshole.

On a separate note - my exH figured out where I live ~
Who knows I live here? House (s) are deeded to a trust. You try to look me up - there's very little address info out there on me. Most comes up in another state.

Aha - but then I got a new drivers license. And I stupidly used my new home address. So much for optimism. That had to be what did it. Info publishers must have access to that and then it's easy enough to find it online. I should have used my office address. And in fact I was seriously considering doing that. But I thought *that* would raise eyebrows - a down town street address with a suite number? Looks like an office address. I thought they'd even recognize the *street* as a commercial area, was thinking of nixing the 'suite' part and just using # ~. But I thought they'd question me about the street / would recognize it as a commercial area.

*I should have tried this*. It was *over estimating* the workers at the drivers license place. They are not that smart. Or, probably would not pick up small details like that. I should've at least *tried it*.

But then again - with that - anyone looking for me would've just shown up at my office.

Oh, I was trying to 'do right' too - Cops pinched me, yes I was speeding, and lectured me for having an out of state DL. Which was about to expire. And some question was asked about 'how long have you lived here' and I let slip like - 'a few years' - well then Mr. Copper decided to lecture me about how I HAD TO get a new license and blah blah, you'll get worse ticket next time, court this, fines that - (I don't remember if this guy gave me a ticket or not, I think that one let me off.) So anyway I thought about this and thought - yeah, the Cop is right, if I'm going to stay here, etc, I ought to get this one, avoid any future issues ~

So I went and got the one 'for here' - trying to be an Upstanding Citizen and all that. eyes2
And then my exH shows up 2 weeks later. I wonder how long he's been looking for me? This was about a year ago though and I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him (his excuse was - he 'needed help' with a new resume). I told him I couldn't help him.

I should have used the office address. I could KICK myself!!! Oh and I did not know they'd lay a *test* on me! I thought I could just 'trade in' my license for a new one for here. Nope. Made me take the written test. And I only got ONE wrong! Took that 'cold' - only missed ONE. Because I'm such an excellent driver liek dat I mention this because I asked the worker which one I had gotten wrong. And dufus rolled her eyes at me, did not want to drag her carcass back up and look, and said - Who cares, you passed. Well - I do want to know. Aren't you supposed to be *encouraging* safe driving? eyes2

So yeah - with workers like that - I probably could've used the office addy and likely no one would've questioned it.

~ KICKS SELF ~

And of course now - any other of my miscreant kin can easily find me too ~

~ KICKS SELF AGAIN ~

Reading your stories, I could almost believe there is a god. I have had only two relatives visit me since living in the old USA. My brother and a lady friend, on their way to Mexico. My mother, once to visit, then to help us after the brain surgery. No special demands or bitching from them. An aunt & uncle came to visit while I lived in Vancouver. They have a condo in Florida, and invited me multiple times. Three close buddies came to Cali. After I invited them. A cousin wanted to. But she was staying in LA, and we being in San Diego county, was too far. Now here in PA, nobody has any interest. A cousin stopped a few hours, as he was driving from Florida to New Hampshire. He was the exact opposite of trash, and took me to breakfast. Now hubby's sister. She could be Prudie. Has adult son and daughter. Son is responsible and has a good job. Daughter is a junkie, babay pez dispenser. They came to Cali a few months before we moved east. To "help packing".larious She had hubby use his miles to carry them there. Back then it was only one babay, junkie and SIL. Bossy SIL endlessly demanding stuff, sitting with babay and ordering me to smoke outside and banning the dog to master bedroom. Vacation time. Junkie daughter had to be driven 30 minutes to town every day for methadone. But hubby's niece was the nicest of the bunch. Polite, laid back and grateful. Sadly, she since has dispensed three more brats, all raised by SIL. Who frequently calls and whines to hubby that there is never enough money, begging for a check. Even though my old man is a fuck-up :GOMIIMOG, the rest of my extended family act like decent people.

Barren, I am lucky that they don't live very close and I don't have much contact. My DH and I are completely on the same page about their nonsense but as he is stuck saying no to their numerous, idiotic requests it hits him more than me.
Myself? I would just say no and be done with it. I don't negotiate, discuss or justify saying no. I will say it politely the first time and I just refuse to talk about the topic any further. He feels some guilt about saying no to one sister, nobody has ever said no to the other sister except us and many requests are filtered through his elderly mother (who is actually a wonderful person but very passive).
I am not going to to monitor how he says no so long as it is said. I keep thinking if we say no enough they will get the hint. Their current bullshit is combination of breeder needs, not being used to my husband saying no before we married and just plain refusal to deal with reality.

How rude!!

Proper manners dictate that you wait until invited. To ask is crass, but then we are dealing with breeders here.

I just live somewhere nobody has any desire to visit, so if they come, it is going to be to see me...

Quote
evilchildlessbitch
I keep thinking if we say no enough they will get the hint. Their current bullshit is combination of breeder needs, not being used to my husband saying no before we married and just plain refusal to deal with reality.

They probably blame you then. :cool

It's bad when they use an elderly parent to manipulate. My sister did that and caused a lot of problems, it was sad because mom was stuck in the middle.

Your husband must really be stressed by this and I can understand how he can't just blow off his mother when the shit gets filtered through her and he probably has to be sensitive in dealing with the situation. Ugh. Still, the relatives are way out of line to be so pushy and at some level his mother must understand that.

I know it is easier said than done, but I would simply say "Hubby and I live apart for most of the year, which is really hard, so this is our only time to be alone together and reconnect" and leave it at that. If people can't understand that the two of you want to be together alone for what time you are able to, they can go fuck themselves. Most of the people who are trying to talk you into hosting them probably see each other every day or at least very frequently. You need time to be together without having a bunch of freeloaders interrupting.

We have something of the opposite problem, living in an area with convenient access to a lot of spiffy tourist stuff, but no one wants to visit. And it's not because Dh and I are misanthropic or bad hosts; when we lived in the Midwest around both sides of our family, we hosted many well-attended shindigs; it's because our families have the notion that the road only runs one way. Indeed, when we began to carp about having to make that damned long 750-1000 mile drive all the time to visit either side, we were told "well, you guys are the ones who moved away."

Then came Christmas, two years ago. My youngest sister posted several pictures on FB of a trip they were currently enjoying to a tourist spot hardly 2 hours from us. I picked up the phone and squawked at her "WTF! you didn't tell us you were going to (frou-frou Christmas spot)! We're just two hours away!" She stammered excuses that it was a last minute decision to go there, they were only going to be there a couple of days with the kids, they didn't know if my schedule would allow me to get away ... blah blah blah. Boy, I was pissed and hurt.

When I visited the next summer (yeah, I was an idiot), Youngest Sister again apologized, with her husband backing up the details that it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, they were only going to be there for two nights, they only did it because it was something that they wanted to show the kids and didn't want to cause a rushed visit for us. Yeah, wtf-ever. They still drove over 800 miles one way. It wouldn't have been any trouble for us to drive 115 miles for a few hours visit. We do those kind of weekend jaunts all the time.

When we bought our RV last year, our families were jubilant. "oh wow! you guys have to come visit us and show it off! there are a lot of good campgrounds around here, I'll do some research and let you know what the best ones are! We can bring the kids and make a day of it, have a big cookout .. blah, blah, blah." And I bought into that. Even gave my sisters dates when we'd be visiting. I think my hurt feelings about the Christmas thing must have shown because both of them plan to put together the cookout. Then, I started to talk to Dh about it and said "oh f* this. We've had a bad year; driving the RV out there and back within a short span is going to be wearing; and yanno what? I'm just tired of this having to always visit them." So, we're going north instead of west. There are some colonial towns I want to visit to do genealogy research. I haven't yet decided how much of a bitch I want to be in giving my sisters a long notice that we won't be coming, or a last minute update.

I'm VERY GLAD I don't have breeder + brat relatives as I live in a plum tourist hub.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

Just tell them it is NONE of their damn business how you use space in your home.

The evil part of my brain would want to say "Sure, mail me your $500 deposit. When the check clears, I will send you the paperwork to sign. It will have the details on daily lodging rates, quiet hours, parking, and use of common areas. Oh, and if you're bringing any children or pets, you will need an additional non-refundable deposit of $100 per head."

Seriously, though...it continues to amaze me how people think they can be entitled to someone else's time, property, attention, space, etc. Good for you for sticking to your guns.

On the website Tomato Nation I read a good essay several years ago. It's called "25 and Over", and this ASSumption about staying with friends is one point the author outlines in her list of "time to grow up; these things are no longer acceptable". It can be found here. http://tomatonation.com/stories-true-and-otherwise/25-and-over/