Dear Prudence: a case of "my abortion was right, but all others are wrong"

Quote

Dear Prudence:
I was raised by liberal parents in a small conservative city. One of my good friends from high school, “Wendy,” is a deeply religious evangelical Christian who spent several years after high school without much direction. During that time, she got pregnant and terminated the pregnancy. I was the only person she told because she knew I wouldn’t judge her. Wendy has subsequently figured out her life and become a mother and works in a respected career. We are in touch only on social media. She is rabidly pro-life, and with the recent news involving Planned Parenthood, she is posting a lot of vile pro-life literature: Women who have abortions are murderers, they are going to hell, Planned Parenthood is run by the devil, etc. I am bothered not only because I disagree with the content of the posts, but also because I know that this friend had an abortion. My husband thinks I should call Wendy out for her hypocrisy. He thinks I should privately message her and politely remind her that she herself was once in a desperate spot. I think that such a message would be seen as a threat. She may fear that I will tell other people about her abortion, and as much as I would love to air a conservative’s dirty laundry, I made a promise not to blab. But there is a part of me that really wants to call her out. What do you think?

—Liberal in Middle America

Dear Liberal,
I think your friend is maddening, but that contacting her would give neither of you satisfaction, and that outing her would be a violation and counterproductive. She’s a hypocrite, but if you were to publicly call her out, you’d look like a bully and wouldn’t change any minds. If you sent her a note saying, “Remember your abortion?” I agree she’d probably see it as a threat. She’d also likely parry your reminder. She’d say the reason she is so active now is because of her grave sin, one she has regretted ever since and which she hopes to keep other young women from committing. Since this relationship has dwindled to social media only, cut that final connection and get Wendy and her rants out of your life.

Quote
evilchildlessbitch
I might PM her or unfriend her but I would not publicly out her.
When a friend comes to me with a private issue and I agree to keep the secret I will do unless that person, another person will be harmed or a law is being broken. It is quite possible the friend held different views when she had her abortion.
My husband used to be a conservative prolifer but he is now a liberal CF prochoicer.
Shrugs. People change. It is quite possible she believed what she did when she had the abortion and changed her mind. I don't know that "outing" what somebody thought or did in college serves much point. Beliefs change, people change, life goes on.

Quote

Evangelicalism, Evangelical Christianity, or Evangelical Protestantism[a] is a worldwide, transdenominational movement within Protestant Christianity, maintaining that the essence of the gospel consists in the doctrine of salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ's atonement

Quote

Has God brought correction in your life? Perhaps an apology was what God placed on your heart. Don't pretend to always "have it all together". Look for opportunities to be honest about your shortcomings yet authentic about God's love... even in correction. Your honesty and genuine humility will be respected and it will cause some people to be curious about your faith-walk.

Quote
freya
I'd post on her wall that sometimes women may find themselves in a really tough spot, particularly as a young adult when they are unable to afford a child. I'd state women can experience this even if deeply evangelical Christian as they may have periods of their life where they lack direction, particularly after high school. I'd just reduce her exact story down without pointing any fingers or naming names and mention no one is perfect.

If she confronts me about it I'd tell her not to take it personally and hope she has the sensitivity to remove it from her wall and stop shaming women about their choices. It would be worth it if she stops shaming others.

Then I'd remove her as a friend after a few days pass because she isn't a friend, she is a bully!

Quote
videogamesforeverkidsnever
The only response I've been able to give is that grown women have the right to have sex, and human beings are inherently sexual creatures, so it's unrealistic to tell people to "just don't have sex."

Quote
freya

Quote
videogamesforeverkidsnever
The only response I've been able to give is that grown women have the right to have sex, and human beings are inherently sexual creatures, so it's unrealistic to tell people to "just don't have sex."

This is 100% true but pro-lifers won't admit it.

Quote
videogamesforeverkidsnever

Quote
freya

Quote
videogamesforeverkidsnever
The only response I've been able to give is that grown women have the right to have sex, and human beings are inherently sexual creatures, so it's unrealistic to tell people to "just don't have sex."

This is 100% true but pro-lifers won't admit it.

I got into it with a pro-lifer on a YouTube video and all he decided to do was name-calling.

He presented no intelligent argument. I clearly stated I take my BC correctly, and have not had so much as a scare, yet he just didn't get it.

My argument, however, was logical.

There is no reasoning with these people.

Code was "GF69j". Haha.

Quote
randomcfchick
Most pro-lifers don't even fully realize that sexual enjoyment is their main objection...but talk to them a while and eventually it comes out.

Quote
Techie

Quote
randomcfchick
Most pro-lifers don't even fully realize that sexual enjoyment is their main objection...but talk to them a while and eventually it comes out.

Most pro-liars that I have encountered were simply brainwashed and did not have any kind of solid foundation for their argument other than a religious one. I would like to add that pro-liars are rarely against men having sex. Pro-liars are against WOMEN having sex. I will go one step further. Most pro-liar men are are pissed that women did not have sex with THEM - the pro-liar men. Their pro-liar approach is such that if a woman is not having sex with him [the pro-liar man] she then should not be having sex at all. There is a great degree of entitlement that pro-liar men have over women's bodies. The patriarchy that pro-liars promote is nothing less of criminal, yet, they are somehow sanctioned by law because of some ancient religious loophole.

I don't feel very good about what is happening in our legislature and a person of power who is willing to reverse all of the unfair abortions restrictions, that were ILLEGALLY imposed upon women, such person is guaranteed to have my vote.

Quote
randomcfchick
Yeah, I accidentally left out the gender weight on their enjoyment bias. Men are given a pass, because men don't get pregnant and are generally seen as adults, not as property to be controlled. These guys are scared shitless of female sexuality, and fuckin' HATE that women are out there having sex without the "natural consequences" of babies. They never, EVER heap that shit on sexually active men, though.

Quote
yurble

Yup, it's Anna's fault that Josh is a cheater. Men just want to have sex and can't help themselves. Women have to be the gatekeepers of morality. When we go around doing things such as enjoying sex, moral decline will surely follow.

Quote
evilchildlessbitch
I would advise any woman to run away fast from any man who judges her number of sexual partnersm Asking for proof of no STIs? Fine. Agreeing on breeding or not? Fine. Being honest about existing chidren? Of course. But I found most men with the low partner count requirement to be hypocrites as they don't apply it to themselves. They also tend to be close minded about gender roles and expect women to become their mommy.
That may be "the way it is" but as soon as women stop putting up with this it will stop happening.