Failure to launch - adult kids still living at home

http://www.empoweringparents.com/failure-to-launch-why-so-many-adult-kids-still-live-with-their-parents.php#

Read the comments, it's a horror show of lazy, non-contributing brats leeching off aging parents, sometimes dragging THEIR own spawn along for the free ride. I'm so glad this will never be me.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

LOL

Tangent. Did anyone get a popup window advertising a "Personal Parenting Plan?"

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Has your child exhibited attention and/or hyperactivity issues, or been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD?
Does your child have oppositional, defiant behavior, or been diagnosed with ODD?
Does your child have failing grades or trouble with school authority?
Are you concerned your child is experimenting with drugs and alcohol?
Do you have problems with angry outbursts or explosive behavior?
Is your child disrespectful or verbally abusive to you and others?
Has your child ever been physically abusive or violent?
Does your child ignore disciplinary efforts and consequences?

Answer yes/no to the above questions, plug in your e-mail address and ...

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We'll email your Personal Parenting Plan to you immediately.

I'm really tempted .....

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Dorisan
LOL

Tangent. Did anyone get a popup window advertising a "Personal Parenting Plan?"
I'm really tempted .....

Me too, LOL. Wonder if there is a way to view the backend stats on how many visitors fill out the form?

Wow, those comments. So many trainwrecks we avoided.

And as if we needed any more reminders not to marry the childed...........

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Duddy Lets His Son Leech off the Household
Hi I am a parent/stepparent. The issue that we are having is with my step-son. He has a job but blows the money every two weeks. We pay for all bills and necessities, he doesn't contribute to the household at all. My husband doesn't see a problem with it. We are struggling but we are not rich either. I really would just like for him to become independent, and have a sense of direction.....he has no value about where to start. We have discussed options but to me he is not interested in school, but he is only interested in doing enough to get by.

It is frustrating now to where my husband and I are different ends of this argument. The problem is I feel that this will lead us to getting a divorce, we have no other issues but this is his only child and I think he feels that he would be turning his back on his son.

Lost wife

I think a big cause is these baby boomers who were all pissed that their childhoods sucked due to poverty, abuse or stern parents. So they want to "give their kids everything they didn't have," and as a result, they become helicopter parents. They do everything for their kids rather than showing them how to do said things. They give their kids everything rather than teaching them the importance of hard work and earning things they want or need. They swoop in and rescue their kids from the consequences of bad decisions rather than letting them fall on their asses and learn the hard way. They fight and stomp on their kids' behalf so the kids don't have to solve their own problems. They'll even go so far as to accompany their children to interviews and argue with the interviewer about wages, hours, etc. (And when said employer does not call the child back, the parent pats the child on the back and says the employer is a mean asshole and how it'll be their loss for not picking Junior)

On top of that, they never ever encourage their kids to leave, even if those kids are hurting them financially. You can't groom your child to be forever dependent and then act surprised when they have no desire to leave or don't know how to get on their feet.

Then when the parents become too senile or die, their fully-grown childult is left flopping around like a fish out of water, and nobody is gonna give a fuck if Junior doesn't know how to make a grilled cheese or fill out a job application. IMO, these parents are almost always the reason their kids can't/won't leave and have no right to bitch. Don't want Junior living in the basement, horfing Hot Pockets and jacking off to anime porn at the age of 49? Should have raised him better and let him figure his own shit out, assholes.

And don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times asking for parental assistance is perfectly fine. Ideally, your parents should be people you can go to for advice or help. But the thing is these barnacle parents "help" their kids too much by not letting them do anything, not letting them figure anything out on their own, and possibly worst of all, making the kids think they are perfect and always right.

I feel like a fucking leach because I do my laundry at my parents place because the laundry room at my apartment is fucking expensive as fuck. 6 bucks for one load!
Have people no shame?

My parents begged me to move back in to help keep an eye on both step-dud and my grandmother. I pay rent, my own groceries, my own bills, my own power to my shop, their cable bill, do my own laundry and babysit whenever my mother leaves for the day.....and I still feel like a failure. I hate living at home, I hate feeling like a leech or the fact that I'm living (kinda) with other people. The part that I'm staying in is closed off from the rest of the house but it still is uncomfortable to me to be here. How these children in adult bodies can stand it is beyond me.

I'm living with my spouse and some of her family, but it was a mutual agreement for both parties to save money and live better. We were barely getting by alone, and my MIL was having trouble too. We have a great friendship, no drama, and everyone contributes. I will be starting a new job soon and bringing in more bacon. Things are going so well with this arrangement that we all decided we were going to stay together.

However, if I was deliberately leeching and refusing to get a job or have my own life, yeah, I'd be fucking ashamed. Hell, I've been going through a period of unemployment and I felt horrible and guilty daily. Thank goodness I'm starting that job soon! I think I'd want to die if wasn't!

I don't care if somebody had hovering parents. When they become adults, they are responsible for themselves. Adult rights would ideally mean adult responsibilities but our culture seems intent on treating people like children later and later.
I'm not talking about people who enter into a room mate type arrangement with parents to make both lives easier, people providing elder care or people who have hit a bump in the road like sudden illness or unemployment who need a few months to get back on their feet. These people are still acting like adults.
I'll bet if the parents of these failures to launch blocked access to the internet and cable, imposed rules about keeping a job or job hunting until one is found, refused to let them pig out on food the parents bought, refused use of their vehicle, imposed a curfew and insisted they sign a move out date agreement a lot of this garbage would stop.
I would be humiliated to ask my parents to move back in with them. I am the child of baby boomers but I was raised with the idea that adults should not be living in their parents home past their early 20s barring exceptional circumstances. I was taught that marriage and kids were optional decisions but becoming independent was not. I haven't lived with parents since I was 18.
People will often ask me if I have a bad relationship with my parents as I moved out so young while many of my peers stayed on with their parent(s) over a decade into adulthood and often brought a spouse and kids into the parental home along the way. I actually think one of the reasons I have a great relationship with my parents is because I wanted to be independent and they wanted me to. Leaving the nest eliminates that awkward place in the relationship where adults want all the conveniences of childhood paid for by parents but want their parents to treat them like adults.
I snottily smarted off to my mom one day over something the month after I turned 18 right before high school graduation that I was an adult and I could do what I wanted. She told me that I was right and the first thing I could do was pack up my things and leave but not before handing over my house and car keys. She also told me that since I was legally an adult they were not obligated to pay for anything of mine and if I wanted to live in their house I lived by their rules. It sounds harsh, but looking back, it was an incredibly smart thing for her to do.

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evilchildlessbitch
I don't care if somebody had hovering parents. When they become adults, they are responsible for themselves. Adult rights would ideally mean adult responsibilities but our culture seems intent on treating people like children later and later.
I'm not talking about people who enter into a room mate type arrangement with parents to make both lives easier, people providing elder care or people who have hit a bump in the road like sudden illness or unemployment who need a few months to get back on their feet. These people are still acting like adults.
I'll bet if the parents of these failures to launch blocked access to the internet and cable, imposed rules about keeping a job or job hunting until one is found, refused to let them pig out on food the parents bought, refused use of their vehicle, imposed a curfew and insisted they sign a move out date agreement a lot of this garbage would stop.

Yes and no. Sometimes breeders deliberately sabotage their offspring's ability to make it. I know one person who had very religious breeders who were determined this person would not be moving out...they refused to sign any financial aid papers allowing this person to go to university, and when the person got a job they immediately started charging rent and food, so that the person could never save up enough for a deposit. Eventually the person was able to escape through marriage.

Of course at some point people have to stop blaming their shitty upbringing for their problems and take steps to improve their own lives, but it can be really hard if you've been badly taught and are hamstrung at every attempt.

I think what's happening is partly what Cambion said about parents coddling their kids, and partly that the economy hit the shitter just as a whole crop of young adults were getting ready to finish schooling of some sort. Job prospects well and truly sucked for a while. In some fields, they still do. The unemployment rate you hear in the news only includes people who are filing for assistance...it doesn't include those who are underemployed (can't make enough to support themselves) or who've given up and gone back to school or become a stay at home parent or whatever.

So a bunch of adults wound up moving back in with parents who never really did a good job preparing them to fly on their own anyway.

I did live with my parents for a relatively short time after college. But I was working part-time and all parties involved knew I'd be landing a job (and relocating to wherever needed). I paid for gas in my car, part of groceries, my student loans, and occasional other bills. I also did household chores and did my best to stay out of my parents' hair. It went okay because my parents had raised all three of us kids to be independent and resourceful. So I bided my time, tried to be a considerate roommate, and signed a contract to a far-away school district during the next hiring sweeps.

My parents didn't do crap to prepare me to live on my own. I just figured if I wanted to get out of the damn house and have my freedom, I'd have to figure it out. I did have to work two jobs, but I think most of my friends did, it wasn't so bad because we were young and had the energy.

I don't think my parents cared one way or the other, if I had wanted to live at home forever they would not have minded, if I moved they didn't care either, so it was up to me. Even though I had my own little apartment within their house, which was cool when I was a teen, it felt lame later on and THEN my older sister/monster arrived with her creepy loaf (it looked and acted like Rosemary's baybee, trust me). Then my parents turned into GrandBreeder freaks. The lovely mid-century house turned into a nasty place, it smelled of puke and shit and moldy cheese and the screaming was incessant. The brat ruined so many things, irreplaceable things, and my parents would laugh. The brat became a tyrant and that brat is 30+ now and never left home and waiting for her mother to kick off to get the house and life insurance. This is the fault of my fifties-era parents, my boomer monster/sister and the adult kid, who knows exactly how to manipulate and continue the leeching.

How do you not encourage your kids to support themselves and be successful so they don't have to depend on anyone, especially you. I guess if there is enough famblee money left the last kid can live a life of not having to work. My neighbor is like this. Adult late thirties man living rent free in dad's old house, gets an allowance. He lives minimally, but does not have to work. He'd rather live this way than to actually achieve anything or contribute. His father says sonny boy will be homeless if he doesn't provide for him.

I don't know about Europe, but the unemployment rate in the USA is lower than it has been in several years.
Even if a person can't move out immediately, they can at least stockpile some cash. Again, I don't know about Europe but I do know over 20 people whose parents wouldn't fill out the form for them to get grants in the US. First of all, not getting grants doesn't mean you can't get federal loans Also, while I don't dispute that getting yourself declared independent at 18 isn't a pain, it can be done. I know a guy who dealt with the same thing and managed to graduate from a top 10 school in his field.
Anybody who had been in the milt are is exempt from this requirement.
Everybody has to make choices as an adult.
Shrugs.
It is what it is. I never lived under the delusion my parents had the obligation to pay for me as a legal adult.
I understand transition periods or exceptional circumstances.
Otherwise, if people can vote they can take care of their own issues. Nobody owes anybody anything after 18 in the USA so any fits thrown don't matter to me.
My parents actually invited me to move in with them after my first bout of encephalitis. It isn't bitterness that lead me turn them down. I would guess my furious independence is why they offered. As it is, I was back living by my self e days later. As it is with my husband's work and my school we are apart for 9 months. Before that I lived alone for 10 years.
Meh. I get economy problems but that only goes so far and by the backside of their 20's a person living rent, food and utilities free has has had time to move out.
Maybe it is my privilege speaking but independence was the first priority for 3 generations, mine being the last. Marriage and breeding were optional while launching and independence were not.

After I finished college and got a full-time job right away, I moved out so I would have a short commute to my job in lower Manhattan But after 9 months I didn't like living there and I moved back home but only temporarily which was fine with my parents. I bought a new car right away and in the next 7 months I replenished my savings I had drained to buy the car. I paid my parents some rent which was low enough to enable me to replenish said savings while more than covering the added expenses of my parents to have me live there those 7 months (i.e. they turned a small profit), a good deal for everyone. I then moved out again although I wasn't too far away this time, a short drive away.

My parents did a pretty good job in teaching my sister and I on how to survive on our own (plus the then excellent school system that provided an education in life skills). Then the sudden death of my father when I was a kid kind of forced me to be more independent than I might have otherwise been at that age.

However, the economy tanking right when I graduated college, a lemon of a car, and radical health issues that have characterized my 20s (about to turn 30 in a few weeks) have left me living paycheck to paycheck while living rent- and utilities-free. But I've been contributing to the household where I can; right now I'm in the process of the massive undertaking of cleaning and reorganizing the kitchen because my mother does have hoarding issues and the house is filled with useless crap. And I am working full-time and otherwise a productive adult. Just a very financially poor one.

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"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan

I live at home as well and am unemployed but pull my weight around the house. Laundry, dishes, dusting, et cetera, all fall to me -- and that's okay.

My state has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country, so finding a job hasn't been anything close to easy; I should be moving out soon if everything goes according to plan, however.

I am also disabled.

I posted this knowing that many folks are having a hard time making ends meet and have to rely on some sort of support from relatives, be it food, shelter or direct financial assistance. It's simply the state of America's middle class and I don't think the situation will ever get better, not in my lifetime, anyway. But the 20-, 30- or even 40-something slugs who sit at home all day and party all night while not contributing any money or chore time make me sick.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

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Miss_Hannigan
I posted this knowing that many folks are having a hard time making ends meet and have to rely on some sort of support from relatives, be it food, shelter or direct financial assistance. It's simply the state of America's middle class and I don't think the situation will ever get better, not in my lifetime, anyway. But the 20-, 30- or even 40-something slugs who sit at home all day and party all night while not contributing any money or chore time make me sick.

I thought your aim was obvious. I think the ones who embody the leeches would never for a second feel bad about still living at home, but of course now the thread is half full of, "hope you weren't talking about meeeee..."
If the difference between you and a narcissistic, entitled leech is really becoming a bit slim, appealing to the internet for sympathy is the last thing that will help.

I posted on here a couple of times that no adult kids of my co workers are out of the house or off the parental dole if they are out of the house. Now more are inching toward 30-35 and 40. My childed friends agree w/ me it is a problem but still are too wimpy to just put their foot down. I don't want to be too rude, but aren't you a bad parent if your kids cannot be independent adults? That says to me if your kid doesn't even try to have a PT job and not live off your income, he/she doesn't care about you. My friends have had to actually say, YOu, know, I'm not gonna be alive forever..... all these kids are ruining the parents' retirement.. All the while, I'm retiring before my pension even kicks in. Sucks to be moo childed friends.

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Miss_Hannigan
http://www.empoweringparents.com/failure-to-launch-why-so-many-adult-kids-still-live-with-their-parents.php#

Read the comments, it's a horror show of lazy, non-contributing brats leeching off aging parents, sometimes dragging THEIR own spawn along for the free ride. I'm so glad this will never be me.

Good God! I was 'disabled' but my parents let me feel frustration and boredom. On any given day I was told to be out with other brats.

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Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

I'm not defending helicopter parents, but I grew up in the days of "go out and play", and "solve your own problems", and it wasn't the paradise the author remembers. Telling kids to go out and play is fine if you lived in a neighborhood full of kids, not so much when you live in a brand new subdivision surrounded by cornfields with literally no one within three years of your age. I would have loved to have had playdates.

As for conflict resolution, in real terms it was the smaller, younger kids being bullied unmercifully by the meaner, older, bigger kids with no help at all from any adults.

What's wrong with wanting to have some control over who your kids socialize with? Kids don't have good judgment. I've seen decent kids sucked into drugs and delinquency because they fell into a bad crowd. I suspect a lot of the helicopter parents saw the same thing and the push to keep the kids occupied and control who they associate with is a reaction to that.

That being said, we as a society have gone way to far in the other direction.

That's what a lot of parents cannot comprehend: the middle ground between not caring and caring too much. I think it's a pretty broad gray area and it's possible to lean a little closer to one end of the spectrum than the other and still be a good parent, or at least an average one. But I swear it seems like about 95 percent of all parents swing to one end or the other. Most parents care waaaaaaay too much about their kids, to the point where they are controlling and don't even let their kids fucking think when they're well within the age of reason. The spawn of the controller parents are the ones who often grow up not knowing how to do anything and may have no common sense. Not all, but many. It can even be difficult to have a positive, sane family role model like an aunt or cousin because the parents don't want anyone undermining their bullshit.

The rest are the exact opposite and they just don't lift a finger to raise or discipline their kids. If the kid gets in trouble, it's always someone else's fault: his friends, music, video games, the internet, his dad (or non-custodial parent), etc. They have kids and proceed to not give a fuck about them. These are the kids who have to grow up way too fast and have adult responsibilities while they're still kids themselves, like caring for younger siblings and doing the grocery shopping. Or, these kids might also be the kinds who are constantly in trouble and who have issues with authority. They may get into trouble so their parents will yell at them or smack them because, hey, some attention from their parents is better than none.

WHY can no parents be somewhere in the middle? Yes, kids do need control over their lives, especially when they're very young. That's called parenting. But when those same parents are still dictating how their adult children can live their lives to the point where those grown kids can't actually transition mentally to adulthood, there's a fucking problem.

My parents were not boomers and they were kids during the depression. That made a huge impact in the way they raised me to be self-sufficient, to exercise good financial judgment and always work towards a goal. There were a lot of weeks where mac & cheese (homemade--not that boxed shit) were on the menu every night and "living it up" meant an extra glass of milk on my way out the door to school or work, but it paid off. At times, my mom and dad would visit and tell me to come home, but I didn't. I don't understand the attraction of living off of your parents. I loved both of them, but living around them for 18 years was enough.

They sound like my parents.

However, whenever I read these articles about parents complaining about their kids, I always think, "Well who raised them? You did! Take some responsibility people". Seriously, those attitudes and bad habits didn't come out of nowhere.

This is/was my sister's situation to a "T". This woman is 53 years old and living in my mom's shit-hole shack and has stooped selling her blood and taking in boarders to support herself. She gets disability but because she hasn't had a job for more than 10 minutes the benefit is very low. She blew a big chunk of the arrears on an SUV and a 60" flat-screen that she had to hock. The family has told me all sorts of stories about her drug and alcohol use, petty crimes, etc. I keep my distance. I am willing to drive her to the doctor and grocery shopping but that's it.
The root of her problems is my mother kept bailing her out and she expects the rest of the family to do the same. She could put on her big girl panties and deal but she has NO life skills.

Thanks for letting me vent.

GracieAllen