Sibling Rivalry

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/oct/10/sibling-rivalry-has-made-our-lives-hell-i-couldnt-wait-till-my-son-left-home

"Julie Sinclair often used to find clumps of torn-out hair on the floor and always hid the kitchen knives, just in case. She has watched for 16 years as the toxic, violent relationship between her son and daughter robbed the whole family of happiness "

This is why I've never understood the breeders who bang on at people with only one kid to give them a sibling. More often than not they won't be best of buddies and I think the people who make these comments must be only children themselves. Growing up I feverently wished I was an only child; I did not get on with my younger sister, we destested each other and most likely made my mum's life hell. Most of my friends and relatives with siblings were exactly the same way :/

Of course, the excuse older people like my mother say is "There was no birth control back then" so it just happened.

Also, I think a large family is more likely to be a dysfunctional family, simply because there are more relationships to go wrong.

Oh yes, I come from a large family and I see that a lot. Family get togethers are so much fun

If it's as bad as Moo says it is, why haven't they made an attempt to separate the brats permanently—either by relinquishing their parental rights for one of them (can you do that for just one of your kyds?) or living apart with one parent taking each kyd? If their kyds are violent toward each other and they aren't protecting them AND addressing the problem behaviors, they are neglectful parents.

Makes me wonder what goes on that the pahrunts are unaware of. Maybe the brother is sexually abusing the sister.

I'm an only child and it was (and still is) the shit.

I have a younger brother. I don't feel like getting into the drama (because there's a lot of it) but I often think that if I ever did have a kid (which I won't, but just let's say) I would only have one because I would never want to make that child have to deal with what I am dealing with.

I also think my parents would be in a much better place right now if they had stopped after one.

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"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

My parents had to separate me and my sister because we never got along. My parents thought forcing me to spend more time with her was the solution, but it only made more problems since with my sister everything is her way or the highway, minus the highway. I thought I should do what I wanted and she do what she wants, separately and happily, but that wasn't to be.

My wife doesn't get along with her brother either. Her mother even dragged them to counseling over it when they were kids,but it didn't work.

In both of our cases we think there's one thing in common, our parents favored the older sibling over us.

I don't ever recall my older half-brother being nice to me even though he was much older than me. When I was a toddler he'd scream if I came near his room or his stuff. If he offered to play a game with me he'd make up his own rules so I'd lose then when I realized what he was doing and be upset he'd call me names. Going on trips to see relatives was absolute hell because he'd spend the entire time trying to make me miserable because we were in close quarters. He also said a bunch of untrue and cruel things about me to kids that were younger than him and looked up to him. These kids hated me before they met me and were mean to me from the start. I didn't understand the deliberate manipulation with the game stuff until I was around 10 or so. Didn't understand why the kids hated me until I was much older. Somewhere around the age of 8 I realized he was going to hate me no matter what. I finally stopped listening to their hyperbole that he was wonderful just because he was my brother and stopped putting out the efforts to be kind that my parents told me would work if I just kept trying. I no longer fell for their guilt trips about him either. He was just always an asshole.

He didn't follow the rules of the house so my parents didn't pay for his college. I did follow the same exact rules and my college was paid for. Rules were the same for all of us and were told to us from the time we were little kids. He likes to pretend that means I was favored although I recall quite clearly him moving out at 17 and my parents stating if he leaves per the arrangement then he can pay for his own school. Before he moved out he kept doing really stupid stuff (I was a kid and even I knew he was doing stupid stuff) and couldn't figure out consequences.

He has whined to my parents about having to pay for his school since mine was paid for and continued to whine about this up until the last time I saw him when he was in his early 40's. My father has mentioned repeatedly that bro is very jealous of me. The paying for college thing is just an excuse and if neither of us had school paid for he'd still find a reason to whine about the unfairness of everything in his life. It is good I haven't seen him in years because if he started that whining about college I no longer have the patience to tolerate it. He is also the only relative I have who insists on bingoing me about kids every time he sees me.

Since I've become an adult he admitted to my parents he killed my pet rabbit, threw my cat into a yard with a German Shepherd, and opened the fence for my dog to run away. He admitted this at about the age of 40, so you can just guess what kind of sense this man has. My family thought it was the neighborhood boys, as they did these kinds of things. I have no doubt the reason he admitted to this was he knew my parents would mention it to me and he has to get his punches in one way or another.

He reminds me of the character Kevin in "Let's talk about Kevin" but with the mind of a half-wit - minus about 60 IQ points and the mental capacity to plan. He also thinks that everyone owes him something and one day he will just "become" magically wealthy and not through hard work, the lottery or an inheritance either. He'll just own the right business or have the right opportunity fall in his lap. Righhht.

Even as a little kid I had the sense to be kind to animals despite witnessing animal abuse regularly.

I'm not sure if he has a mental issue but I'm confident he has a very low IQ. I'm beginning to think all his behavior is related to a low IQ and that he has a mental age of 10 or experienced an arrested development at around that age. Also lacks the ability to rationalize, well, anything!

I do get the warm and fuzzies thinking of his older half-brother, who has about the same mental capacity according to reports from my family. That one inherited between 7 and 8 million dollars a few years ago, guarantee old bro is writhing with irrational jealousy. He was mean and nasty to my parents until he figured out there may be a small inheritance then his behavior radically changed. LOL.

The sad part is that he could very well be the typical brother. Can you imagine having to deal with children who act like that? Growing up around kids who were mostly mean, selfish, greedy little sociopathic assholes was more than enough to persuade me from wanting any.

Wow, sorry to hear all that, freya. It's good to hear that your parents had at least some backbone (not paying for college) about his bad behavior. See the opposite too often these days.

What really concerns me about the article is the "I I I I I ME ME ME ME ME" attitude of mommy. "I missed out on what my family should have been", " I only have a few good memories", "I had to explain this/make this arrangement/I went through hell." How about your kids? Can you imagine being born into an environment that is hateful, violent, and violating in terms of your personal space and property? And the one person in control, YOU, just sits on her stupid ass?

"[Maybe I] failed to love them enough to neutralise their jealousies."
Or failed in the most basic way to teach them right and wrong within the family unit, because affection doesn't equal discipline. She says NOT ONE WORD about what the consequence was for their bad behavior. What, did she just tell them to stop? They probably turned to her and said, "Fuck you, mom", and continued beating each other while she sat there and cried about it (wondering why they didn't notice.)

@ freya: your brother is obviously the so called "bad seed", all breeders' nightmare.
I guess there is nothing one can do about such a chyld.

@ John Drake: I also didn't get along with my sis. My father always encouraged
and fed the rivalry between us.
I have two reasons I cannot stand her:
1. the ongoing rivalry - it's too stressful.
2. she is like my father in terms of character - abusive, manipulative, lying POS

It sounds like the son is just a violent prick and the daughter is defending herself against his assaults. What is she supposed to do, nothing? She'd probably be dead by now if she didn't fight back.

My SO is from a big famblee and they get along, their fights growing up were typical kid fights, but they would look out for each other and now everyone keeps in contact and gets along well. My small famblee was different but my sister is a sociopath. It bothers me if people would see us being estranged and think it was just normal rivalry. I ran for my life, she did try to kill me several times and caused permanent injuries. She would also get her nasty boyfriends to threaten or even assault me. Even in older age I could not escape because of elderly parents, estate issues etc, so she is still stalking me and I am still in fight or flight state. Yet, people don't understand and think we just "don't get along" and we should put our issues behind us because, family.

So if I were a moo I would be all on top of that shit, no brat tortures any other brat, or else. If they are really just oil and water and simply don't like each other, what are you going to do, other than be a referee and discipline them. I think most of the time there is a perp and a victim in these cases though and the perp needs a heavy hand or grows into a criminal.

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blondie
It sounds like the son is just a violent prick and the daughter is defending herself against his assaults. What is she supposed to do, nothing? She'd probably be dead by now if she didn't fight back.

I found this whole article utterly heartbreaking to read, and this bit was particularly disturbing:

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Now they are 16 and 18, they don’t punch, scratch and bite, but in some ways it’s worse. Simon lunges at Fiona to scare her when she opens her bedroom door.

This is a grown man getting a kick out of frightening a 16-year-old girl with threats of violence. If they were a couple people would see this for the abusive and controlling behaviour it is, but because they're siblings it's played down. As many people in the comments have said, this guy sounds like he's going to be a real danger to women once he leaves home. He's learned that violence can be used to control people who are smaller, weaker and more vulnerable than him and that it can be used to get whatever he wants, and that onlookers (his parents) are reluctant to step in and stop it. I can imagine him as one of those men who likes to grope women and shout obscene things at them because he enjoys seeing their fear and powerlessnes, and who excuses his actions as "just a bit of banter, love".

The destruction of his sister's property (and of her pet snail- urrggghh, what a shitbag he sounds) is also a form of violence used by abusers in relationships- he sounds like an "if you leave me I'll kill the dog" type in the making, or the kind of ex-husband who commits suicide but makes sure he murders the children first to spite his ex-wife. I wish the author of this article had at least named the university so women there can make a mental note to look out for a psycho among them.

It's taken me a long time to admit my moo was my abuser. She instructed me to take everything out on my sister but then punished me for it. My little sister used me for safety from our parents but also threw me under the bus at every opportunity.
It was a really fucked up dynamic but took me 30 years to put all the pieces together and see I'm not really the horrible person they told me I was. I was the scapegoat so that no one looked too closely at my mother.
My sister still listens closely to my mother so I don't entirely trust her. Mother needs to blame me still, otherwise someone might learn just how abusive she can be. We can't have anyone believing her victims now, taking away her long suffering martyr badge...

Lets just say there's a reason why Iive several thounds of miles away.

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

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mrs. chinaski
@ John Drake: I also didn't get along with my sis. My father always encouraged
and fed the rivalry between us.
I have two reasons I cannot stand her:
1. the ongoing rivalry - it's too stressful.
2. she is like my father in terms of character - abusive, manipulative, lying POS

My parents always played favorites toward her and either turned a blind eye to what she did, defended her behavior, or gave her a free pass because "she's a girl." I think my father got sick of her behavior later because he started trying to reign her in, but my mother always went behind him and tried to undo whatever he did.

She's a "my way or the highway" sort of person and doesn't like the fact I prefer a quieter, more conservative, lifestyle as opposed to being a party person. She's more extroverted and I'm more introverted, and that always caused clashes between us with her and her friends thinking I had something wrong with me because I preferred staying in over going out, with our parents often putting pressure on me to do what she did so she wouldn't be embarrassed by me and so I'd learn to get along with and spend more time with her.

We don't see much of each other anymore, and there's a good reason for that.