desperate older infertiles=cash cow!!!

I don't spend a lot of time on mommy sites, but today I wanted a shot of schadenfreude so I looked at Scary Mommy. Came across this little gem: http://www.scarymommy.com/trying-to-get-pregnant-at-40/

TL;DR: 40 year old woman is trying to get pregnant and is bewildered by the range of OTC products and services aimed at boosting fertility.

I've mentioned before that if I want to get into a new business, it'll be taking products that don't really need to be specialized for kids & convincing parents that they should buy my specialized-for-kids version (it's worked for TV dinners, padlocks, tupperware, toilet paper, silverware, towels, and zillions of other things).

I might also add another line of products to my Sucker Parents collection: stuff for desperate, older infertiles! I'd make sure none of my items were too expensive, so that some early 40s woman would think "well, I'll just try this one. Can't hurt, right?". And then if it doesn't work, they're less likely to bitch to my company about it.

Easy products that should rake in money for me:
-herbal teas: throw together some herbs that folklore says boosts fertility. Toss in a pamphlet about what part of your cycle you're most fertile.
-stress-reducing meditation cushion: put in some woo-woo things about how stress increases cortisol levels, which affects fertility. Include CD of wave sounds if I feel like charging extra.
-a smartphone app that tells you when to fuck
-a "hypnotherapy" CD (or mp3 download) that will help you reduce stress and create the right mindset for conception (no shit; I know someone who went to a fucking hypnotherapist when she was baby-rabid!).

Any other suggestions of what I could include in the product line?

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randomcfchick


Any other suggestions of what I could include in the product line?

Pre washed - so there's no nasty baby preventing chemicals - food, All hand washed by bathed in goats milk lesbian virgin Buddhist monks from the Himalayan Institute of Science and Yoga in Bethany Pennsylvania. _{yes this place actually exists} Oh and it has to be Gluten Free, peanut free, and vaccine free

Personalized Porn - so when the dud to be is loping the mule for baby batter he's not looking at some trollop from Who's Nailin' Palin ¹

Only available in certain states - Wackin' Weed , Porkin' Pot, Gettin' it on Grass - so as to reduce the mechanical nature of reproductive sex. Enhanced with Red Clover, Red raspberry leaves and Stinging Nettles ²



1. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1310622/
2. http://www.thehealthyhomeeconomist.com/top-3-fertility-herbs/

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

I would venture into the color therapy (chromotherapy).
I found this on net:
"You should merge blue, red and green light for the treatment of women's infertility.
So you should sell wall paint, bedsheets, carpets, bedroom furniture... in those colors.

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randomcfchick
I don't spend a lot of time on mommy sites, but today I wanted a shot of schadenfreude so I looked at Scary Mommy. Came across this little gem: http://www.scarymommy.com/trying-to-get-pregnant-at-40/

TL;DR: 40 year old woman is trying to get pregnant and is bewildered by the range of OTC products and services aimed at boosting fertility.

I've mentioned before that if I want to get into a new business, it'll be taking products that don't really need to be specialized for kids & convincing parents that they should buy my specialized-for-kids version (it's worked for TV dinners, padlocks, tupperware, toilet paper, silverware, towels, and zillions of other things).

I might also add another line of products to my Sucker Parents collection: stuff for desperate, older infertiles! I'd make sure none of my items were too expensive, so that some early 40s woman would think "well, I'll just try this one. Can't hurt, right?". And then if it doesn't work, they're less likely to bitch to my company about it.

Easy products that should rake in money for me:
-herbal teas: throw together some herbs that folklore says boosts fertility. Toss in a pamphlet about what part of your cycle you're most fertile.
-stress-reducing meditation cushion: put in some woo-woo things about how stress increases cortisol levels, which affects fertility. Include CD of wave sounds if I feel like charging extra.
-a smartphone app that tells you when to fuck
-a "hypnotherapy" CD (or mp3 download) that will help you reduce stress and create the right mindset for conception (no shit; I know someone who went to a fucking hypnotherapist when she was baby-rabid!).

Any other suggestions of what I could include in the product line?

Merge all that ish together into a Fertility Crate that can be ordered online and sent to their doorsteps (and the crate should be shaped like a baby cradle with a little stork on top of it). Or jump onto the subscription packages (e.g., Graze, Blue Apron) where you send specially curated (a buzzword for the hipster Kinfolk assholes) "fertility-boosting" teas, CDs, videos, snacks, meal recipes, etc.

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"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan

Intra-uterine speakers and mp3 downloads of music tones that "enhance ovulation".

SpermGood douche formula that "creates a beneficial environment for sperm to thrive"

A book of "fertility enhancing" yoga poses with secret Asian prayers to the panda fertility God.

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stillwaters
SpermGood douche formula that "creates a beneficial environment for sperm to thrive"

Believe it or not, there's actually a lube on the market that is supposed to improve chances of concept. The claim is that regular water-based lubes have the wrong pH and shorten the lifespan of swimmers, or damage them, or something.

Not sure about the intra uterine speakers...I'd avoid anything invasive so I don't get sued. But I'm willing to bet that desperate infertiles will be willing to stick a couple of specially-made, adhesive-backed speakers to their stomachs!

Make sure the herbs are harvested by the light of the full moon so wanna moo can be close to the mother goddess.

Lots of crunchy breeders are obsessed with tinctures which allegedly have different qualities when made during parts of the lunar cycle so make tinctures with the name of the herb, ingredients, and the phase of the moon when made.

The comments on this thread are solid gold!

Something I stumbled upon via FB the other day -

Could be used as a Fertility Totem. And / or illustrates THE CRAP that people will buy! ~

Awww, Pwecious Moments!

And they want a hundred bucks? for this piece of shit dust collector?

Gah. Lard, Heppus.

Ooh, Zzelda. You're onto something. Fertility figurines! The infertile neo-pagans/new-agers would latch onto that shit like crazy!

Do a little research, find out a few fertility deities. Make some cheap dust-collectors. The cultural appropriation factor won't bother the infertile crystal-clutchers.

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paragon schnitzophonic
Merge all that ish together into a Fertility Crate that can be ordered online and sent to their doorsteps (and the crate should be shaped like a baby cradle with a little stork on top of it). Or jump onto the subscription packages (e.g., Graze, Blue Apron) where you send specially curated (a buzzword for the hipster Kinfolk assholes) "fertility-boosting" teas, CDs, videos, snacks, meal recipes, etc.

This is brilliant, paragon. Those who're willing to "invest in the process" can buy the more expensive crate of the month. Or the items can marketed separately to those who just figure that a few bucks here and there won't matter. Good thinking.

Curated is just so much more thoughtful than purchased or bought, don't you think? Just takes some of the money vanishing from the pocket crudeness right out of it and makes one feel so specualll.

I'd make it a 2 year subscription, complete with the ideas already suggested plus these specifically curated for the geezer breeder in your life:

Chat board, for crunchy moos and wanna be crunchy geezer moos to care and share.

A special fertility mandala curated to your dilemma, which is blessed then shoved up the ass (or if you prefer, vag) of the fertility statue.

A special fertility diet, which increases fertility for your specifically curated issues.

At least one food which includes the word 'super' in the title, along with organic, non-gmo, no-antibiotics, no bpa, no MSG, gluten-free, paleo, vegan and all the additional buzz words, curated specifically for geezer breeder moo wannabee.

A separate but just as outrageously expensive diet once preggers to insure the pwecious isn't defective, specially curated for geezer breeder.

Stretch mark crème or gel, to prevent stretch marks. Special apothecary customizes and curates ingredients for specific geezer breeder.

A photoshoot of big ol' preggers geezer breeder.

Gross bioscience article on how placenta eating and tit feeding are mandatory.

Trial to a bunch of e-books written by crunchy breeders.

A separate but just as outrageously expensive diet once loaf arrives to insure the pwecious and moo are healthy, specially curated for geezer breeder and piglet.

A photoshoot of famblee, with photog specifically curated for famblee's needs.

Actually, think this will be closer to a 5 year subscription.

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hana
Make sure the herbs are harvested by the light of the full moon so wanna moo can be close to the mother goddess.

Lots of crunchy breeders are obsessed with tinctures which allegedly have different qualities when made during parts of the lunar cycle so make tinctures with the name of the herb, ingredients, and the phase of the moon when made.

Charging double for this specially curated item!

A specuall psychic session for geezer breeders, which will include most of the following as moos are herd animals and mostly seem to share the same thoughts and voice:

I'm sensing you are having difficulties breeding.
I'm sensing this has caused you lots of grief and you feel separated from your SO.
I'm sensing you feel guilty that you're pregnant and it should be your happiest time but you are having so much physical pain that you are having difficulty being happy.
I'm sensing that you once obsessed over every pregnant woman and how lucky she must feel to be a moo, whether in a grocery store, on a street corner or in a TV show. Since becoming preggers you now obsess over every woman you see who is in reasonable shape and wonder if you'll ever look like that again.
I'm sensing you are having financial difficulties and have spent lots of money trying to become impig.
I'm sensing you feel guilty because you had a loaf while a teenager which you feel was a mistake and are now geezer breeding and there are lots of women who are geezer breeding and have no kids.
I'm sensing you are concerned about missing out on being part of the miracul of life and unconditional love a loaf brings.
I'm sensing you feel concerned that sex will never be the same between you and your SO due to changes in your body.

Young, Attractive Celebrity masks for couples, so they can fantasize they're banging someone else during their carefully choreographed bayybee dancing.

When you want to advertise your products, you should go for testimonials.
F.e.:
A geezer breeder with fresh loaf on a photo with some text like
"I went through 1,345 cycles of in vitro fertilization, all to no avail.
Only The Magic Inpig Tee could make it happen!"

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bop
Young, Attractive Celebrity masks for couples, so they can fantasize they're banging someone else during their carefully choreographed bayybee dancing.

Maybe that psycho moo in the other thread could knit them Hugh Jackman or Charlize Theron suits...

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Quote
thom_c

Quote
bop
Young, Attractive Celebrity masks for couples, so they can fantasize they're banging someone else during their carefully choreographed bayybee dancing.

Maybe that psycho moo in the other thread could knit them Hugh Jackman or Charlize Theron suits...

LOL Hugh Jackman..... I can't remember where I read it but I read somewhere him saying that he has a fantasy to be diapered up and treated like a baby. Again, don't know how true that is but the mask suggestion is kind of ironic if true about Hugh.

Magnets and LEDs. Lets see, a belt that you wear low so that the buckle or main feature rests on or just below the belly button. Maybe optional accessory magnet/LED feature that can actually be tucked just inside an innie belly button. LOL sucks to have an outtie!
Magnets to draw the sperm, and LEDs of just the right frequency to "promote fertilization". Or adjustable LED colors so you try one color per cycle, and make sure the color range is infinite so you can always blame the consumer for failure.
Maybe a dangling chain of magnets that you are supposed to lift off your belly slowly after sex. Imagine the sperm attracted to the lowest magnet, then lift the end so that the sperm "follow" each successive magnet as you lift them.

Oooh! And a male version too! That you hang around the balls with some kind of fancy radiator looking type of thing because balls make sperm better at cooler temps. As long as it has magnets and lights and a semi-affordable price, the suckers will buy it!

Remember to include all your standard FDA disclaimers, "This product has not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not meant to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any specific condition. All parts of this device are considered GRAS."


And my brain just gave me a commercial. LOL!
You see a lady on a table with a drape over her lap and legs. She puts on the belt and lays down, positioning it just so with the light facing her belly. A light obscuring shield is placed over the belt-charm, and then the lights are turned off. A rustle of fabric and then a faint glow appears, and we know instinctively that the drape has been lifted and we are seeing the glow of a properly lit, fertility-ready womb.


I gross myself out too. Where's that smile when I need it?
(I know the fucking smilies are missing, don't be so fucking literal!)

A blue turkey baster if you want a boy.
A pink turkey baster if you want a girl.

No guarantees, but hey...we're talking about idiot wannabreeds here!

I think the collective ideas have morphed into a store at this point.

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Presto
Magnets to draw the sperm, and LEDs of just the right frequency to "promote fertilization". Or adjustable LED colors so you try one color per cycle, and make sure the color range is infinite so you can always blame the consumer for failure.

Oooh! And a male version too! That you hang around the balls with some kind of fancy radiator looking type of thing because balls make sperm better at cooler temps. As long as it has magnets and lights and a semi-affordable price, the suckers will buy it!

Hilariously perfect. Minimal production cost, non-invasive, and could easily be marketed to those who're already into "alternative medical practices".

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Presto
Remember to include all your standard FDA disclaimers, "This product has not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not meant to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any specific condition. All parts of this device are considered GRAS."

Of course. That would be on all my Sucker Parents line products.

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freya
I think the collective ideas have morphed into a store at this point.

Cafe Press

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

I'd venture into the ultimate con: homeopathy! I'd sell vials of tap water that had been slapped by a human dick, then sell them as restorative treatments full of male energy.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

Not a tangible product but I want to throw in: fertility symbol tattoos that can bring about the power to make women more fruitful. Designs include fertility deities and animals known for producing many offspring (fish, rabbits, frogs, geese).

This thread is fantastic! LOL XD

Special temperature-controlled underpants for men that takes batteries to keep sperm at optimal temperature throughout the day. Like a thermostat for the junk. Also perhaps underwear that can be flipped on to vibrate to arouse duddy in case there is no spice to life anymore and sex has become repulsive.

Also, we need to make products for that annoying shelf of crap axe gauntlet of stuff that just screams IMPULSE BUY like what you see in craft stores. My contributions to this aisle below (among other ideas):

- a chemical kit to turn your miscarriage blood into a ruby-like stone that you can wear around your neck for maximum attention whoring and martyr points.
- personal lubricant that comes with a "back massager" to get moomy "in the mood".
- Super Special Conception Bed Flower Petal Medley: for that new baby smell. Insert some spiritual nature magic junk here.
- Personal Mucus Tester: "It Puts the "Ooze" in "Cooze""
- The BaybehMeister: sexual fantasy furniture, looks like a REAL welfare office! Comes with Baby Money Checks! Nothing gets the juices flowing like the promise of a baby bonus!
- special condoms that have holes in them because you at least be safe while conceiving because who wants stds when they could have babies! (I bet my fucking asshole that some dumb breeder would buy these).
- little car decals for all the miscarriages they had (comes in little angel babies and red tear drops).
- a Tear Bank: save all your tears so you can use them as evidence of your suffering when praying for a myrakul from gawd or mommy attention whoring.
- Facebook autopost function that makes crying emotes at every baby picture your friends send you because why not?

We could also sell the idea that buying baby stuff changes the vibrations in your house to make you more fertile.

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So.. We know that food and water are running out, with overpopulation and all... Yet people keep on poppin' out those babies! I guess they want to have their baby and eat it too...

My top reason is that parenting gives you a free license to be selfish based purely on the fact that you're being selfish for an emanation of your own self. The illusion that what you do to benefit your children benefits them solely is a fallacy. Every parent benefits from the benefits that their children receive. Henceforth, it gives one a license to perpetuate a dog-eat-dog mentality that I perceive to be amoral. Parents say that their children are their greatest loves, what they forget to add is that they are their ONLY loves and only because their children are a reflection of themselves. I prefer to be able to love multiple people and have lasting relationships of many types and possess the essential core value of empathy for all than to restrict myself to an echo chamber of ego-masturbation and self-serving chicanery.

In short: Not parenting makes you a better person.