How have you disappointed your parents?

And by this title, I mean how have you grown into your own person, despite your parent's expectations when they held you as a wriggling baby and planned out your future in their heads?

My dad wanted me to be a good Catholic and a doctor, my mom wanted me to be a girly ballerina with three kids. I'm now a childfree athiest artist with two left feet and a fondness for combat boots. I married outside my race and I am mostly vegetarian. And I don't know if that makes me the black sheep, but I am very unlike anyone in my extended family.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

I tried so hard to be the black sheep of the family but became the golden child. It is bullshit; I am a kinky bisexual atheist tattooed Childfree female engineer mad scientist with Aspergers. Where did I go right?
The worst part is that my family thinks my oddities are normal. I just don't get it.

Fortunately, I started disappointing my parents early, so they got used to it. They were fundamentalist Christians who had a girl and a boy. I (the girl) was supposed to be more feminine (I was a tomboy) and not quite as smart as the boy.

As an adult, I'm a liberal, secular humanist feminist who never married or had children. I'm also a pro-choice vegan. I have a good relationship with my mother, though I know that she wishes that I were different. I'm estranged from my father and brother, who followed the script. They are just too bigoted and obnoxious for me to tolerate their company. I actually like knowing that I didn't cooperate with my father's plans for me.

My parents were actually amazing about not passing judgement on us, and seem to have genuinely desired to raise happy, functional adults. My interests, conventional and unconventional, were encouraged. As far as I know my parents are not at all disappointed in me, and my mother delights in telling me how she shuts down grandmother bingos.

Of course my family is full of atheists, has no problem with relationships with people from other countries, is full of women in STEM, has plenty of homosexuals, contains numerous vegetarians, and is about 50% CF.

Miss H., maybe you need to join Mistress R.'s family or mine. Actually, reading this board over the years has really made me appreciate my family all the more.

It would be easier to ask in what way I haven't. And I guess I haven't disappointed them in choosing a partner who's an atheist, but that is dwarfed by the resentment over me having chosen a partner a. at all if b. if I had to, by not spawning and creating yet another person to emotionally blackmail me with. (I live in Germany, where grandparents' rights stretch pretty far.)

And since I gave up playing the dutiful daughter over a decade ago, they're now probably not exactly disappointed that I'm struggling to get back into my chosen field of work, abandoned in my mid-20s after hitting rockbottom psychologically and financially and barely being able to function due to their abuse. (I'm better now.) If I'm not on their team, I'm not supposed to amount to anything, and if I were with them, I would have to represent them - i.e. 'be good (in a field that we chose for you), but don't you dare outshine us'.

Side note: I recently had a telling conversation with a person trying to spawn. I asked her if she was really up to it - she hates housework, barely does any even without a kid, her partner is the same, she is moody and needy and generally not the type of take-charge person you should probably be if you must reproduce. She said that, well, they don't stay baybees forever, they grow up. Hm. I told her that, yes, they do, but as soon as they stop being baybees, they start developing personalities that may not have anything to do with how she thinks, feels, what she likes and dislikes - proper parenting notwithstanding. I wasn't talking about raising sociopaths, just people with independent personalities, likes and dislikes rather than clones. She replied that the kid's personality, likes and dislikes were too far in the future to worry about.

Spot any contradiction and ostrichiness? No sense of the potential spawn as an independent being. In other news, water is wet.

My own parents have been quite good at grasping that their kids are separate people with their own ideas and priorities and dreams. They wanted us to go to college, but that was fine since that was what I wanted , too. In general, though, beyond that they just want my siblings and me to use our heads, be responsible and kind, support ourselves, and build lives that we find fulfilling. They were very much aware that they were raising future adults and not just kids. I think they would probably enjoy being grandparents, but they don't hassle about it at all.

My parents were always respectful of my personal lifestyle choices. That is, they have never bingoed me or made any disparaging remarks about my life's choices. My mother died 20 years ago, when I was 32, and always supported me in my decisions and helped me out when I needed it and asked her for it (which was not often).

My dad, who is still alive and well at age 85, is the same way. We differ politically, he having become more conservative over the years. But I stay away from political discussions, as I do with my brother who is also, sadly, a Republican. I think my dad's biggest disappointment, one he has actually mentioned once or twice over the years, was that I was never Bar Mitzvahed. He knows I'm an atheist but I guess he wished I could have begun my path in that direction after a Bar Mitzvah, not before one. But it isn't that he or my mom were very religious. My brother married a religious catholic woman in a church, much to the chagrin of my mom's dad, who eventually did attend the wedding.

I know my dad is proud that I was able to retire 7 years ago at age 45. He retired in 1994 so we retirees can get together more easily than before, including a last-minute trip to visit my brother's place last month.

1. I wasn't born a girl
2. Being a male I didn't become a priest
3. I had sex before marriage
4. I got married.
5. I didn't pop out 2 boys to keep a naming tradition.
6. I moved away

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Disappointed them at birth by being female and brown, they wanted a Golden Penis that was a carbon copy of duh and win Grandpa's favor or as a consolation prize an exotic looking light skinned mixed girl. I'm short, dumpy, and brown. I was supposed to be the girly girl, but preferred playing in the dirt. They got their light skinned mixed girl and blatantly prefer her to this day.

I was labelled the Smart one and was supposed to get an Engineering degree, marry an engineer, breed, and become a shamoo. Decided at 15 I will never breed and if marriage=children, I will never marry. I started hanging out with the artists, and went to college but got a degree in art instead. I sold a couple pieces, and ended up working in the mortgage industry. Through the artistic friends I started going to anime cons and later science fiction cons I met Takeo and we married a few years later. Got my current job thanks to a referral from a convention friend, and I convinced Big Boss to let me telecommute.

I'm Childfree, Liberal, registered voter (moo is Jehovah's Witness), atheist, and pro abortion.

How did I disappoint? Let me count the ways!

1. I was born a girl. They wanted a Golden Penis.
2. I am artistic and musical. That didn't jive with their conservative view of women.
3. I cursed and swore. That didn't jive with their conservative view of women.
4. Went away to college, and had black friends. That didn't jive with their racist beliefs.
5. Was an outspoken feminist, ranting against SAHM lifestyle, men not taking care of their kids, etc. That didn't jive with their conservative view of women.
6. I refused to let my father find me a husband. That didn't jive with their conservative view of women.
7. Was openly against children and marriage. That didn't jive with their conservative and religious views of women.
8. Got married, and never had kids. That didn't jive with their conservative and religious views of women.
9. I let husband cook, clean, and take care of the kitties. They thought I was a bad wife because I didn't rush home immediately after work to cook dinner for a grown man who knows how to cook and clean.
10. I work in the creative fields. I didn't quit my job to become a SAHW. I am a feminist. I am sterilized. I am very happy like this.

Hmmmm....I'm seeing a pattern here...

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yurble
My parents were actually amazing about not passing judgement on us, and seem to have genuinely desired to raise happy, functional adults. My interests, conventional and unconventional, were encouraged. As far as I know my parents are not at all disappointed in me, and my mother delights in telling me how she shuts down grandmother bingos.

Of course my family is full of atheists, has no problem with relationships with people from other countries, is full of women in STEM, has plenty of homosexuals, contains numerous vegetarians, and is about 50% CF.

Miss H., maybe you need to join Mistress R.'s family or mine. Actually, reading this board over the years has really made me appreciate my family all the more.

Yurble, can your family adopt me?

I'd ask if you could adopt me, but then you'd not be CF any longer

Parents wanted a codependent and got an independent. They definitely wanted a boy but didn't want a girl to do "boy" stuff, like go fishing or talk about business even though I was interested in that stuff. They thought I was too stupid to learn to drive - womben drivers - and I ended up learning to ride motorcycles and drive race cars. They really didn't like me having interests they didn't choose and these things were perfectly fun and innocent, nothing controversial, like jogging or reading ? I was not supposed to move away, especially to a quiet area which I really needed to do. Did that. They did not think their daughters needed to go to college, as our close relatives had been successful in small business or trades and we should marry well off men to take care of us. I gave them spot on investment and business advice that they repeatedly ignored because what do I know and they lost big.

So, I've done ok, doing my own thing but some encouragement would have gone a long way. If parents had some belief in me their own lives would have been a lot less stressful because I did want to help them out but they couldn't handle me making decisions, even with excellent results. These issues eventually divided the family permanently because when they became infirm they still didn't trust me, and my sister is a narcissistic dolt so they were lost. I told them I could not help them if they didn't allow me, and their lawyer convinced them but they resented me, then the sister went after the estate and that was that. This is the misery codependence gets you.

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Peace

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yurble
My parents were actually amazing about not passing judgement on us, and seem to have genuinely desired to raise happy, functional adults. My interests, conventional and unconventional, were encouraged. As far as I know my parents are not at all disappointed in me, and my mother delights in telling me how she shuts down grandmother bingos.

Of course my family is full of atheists, has no problem with relationships with people from other countries, is full of women in STEM, has plenty of homosexuals, contains numerous vegetarians, and is about 50% CF.

Miss H., maybe you need to join Mistress R.'s family or mine. Actually, reading this board over the years has really made me appreciate my family all the more.

Yurble, can your family adopt me?

I'd ask if you could adopt me, but then you'd not be CF any longer

My family can adopt you even though the lot of us are crazier than shithouse rats. We the crazy ass family on a sitcom that nobody gets but that are happier than everyone else because we just stopped giving a flying fuck several generations ago. I have pictures of relatives from the turn of the century cross dressing and stuff like that.

I got a full dose of crazy and people in my family age like a cheap beer in summer except in terms of appearance.

I can't imagine having normal relatives. Sounds boring as fuck. How do people deal with family gatherings if no one shows up with a case of wine and people of uncertain gender?

We are the people our parents warned us about.

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Peace
Yurble, can your family adopt me?

I'd ask if you could adopt me, but then you'd not be CF any longer

My parents probably would. They're really generous, friendly people. I seriously wish my experience was a lot more common

1) Born without a penis....even a tucked in one
2) Was molested by cousin at the age of four and told it was my fault
3) Was a "Daddy's Girl" until my mother separated us....then he too became an asshole
4) Was a tomboy with the BB guns, bug collecting, making lizards my friends etc
5) Loved to play with Legos, chemistry sets etc...those got taken away for Barbie dolls
6) Was my grandfather's favorite which earned me the wrath of the whole family
7) I'm one of 3 people to get a high school degree on my mother's side of the family and the only one to go to college as well. I'm the only one in two generations on my father's side to be getting a Masters
8) I don't hunt
9) To put it bluntly, I'm ugly so I'm an embarrassment to my mother who wanted a prim, trim ballerina/cheerleader
10) I gave up ballet at 8 only to take up Tae Kwon Do 7 years later and earn my black belt
11) I enjoyed the HELL out of JROTC
12) I don't put up with step-duh's bullshit
13) I can make it on my own
14) I'm not married with shitlings
15) I work at a fantastic job in an industry my mother despises

That's just the smattering of all that I have disappointed my parents in. But the thing is it's their problem not mine. I never wanted to be a black sheep....I'm happy being the tie-dye psychedelic sheep in the corner giving the finger tyvm.

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"It is better not to look like what you are; it is better to look like a bourgeois woman because then all the doors are open for you and then you can just go and make hell." - Marjane Satrapi

1. Wasn't born a boy (luckily the first born so they could try again)
2. I don't practice the cult I was born into
3. Moved over 2,000 miles away
4. Eloped
5. And am divorced
6. Wasn't a virgin when I married
7. Didn't have kids
8. Didn't want kids
9. Always been my own person and was vocal about my opinions regarding everything on this list
10. Figured out Santa Claus wasn't real before it was allowed
11. Figured out Sky Bully doesn't exist
12. Thinner than average (have heard about this my entire life) so I'm always accused of being unhealthy
13. Eat healthy
14. Didn't marry/date any of their attempted set ups
15. When they blocked me from dating men at my high school by using youth group men as cockblocks I started dating men who lived out of town or attended college
16. I've had more than one job
17. I don't call often enough
18. Favorite subject in school was science (science and math baaad! (THREAT))
19. Didn't devote my adult life to volunteering
20. Lived with a male friend for a short period of time as an adult (inevitably it would lead to romance, yet it didn't)
21. Liked vitamins, nutrition and health food stores at a very young age
22. Had the audacity to quit activities I didn't enjoy or outgrew
23. Avoided hanging out with the youth group as much as was realistic
24. Got an official job at 16
25. High IQ, they wanted an average kid who wouldn't question their authority or think for myself (I don't think these personality traits have any relation to IQ level)
26. Was accused of waiting too long to get serious with boyfriend, need to be more impulsive and not so cautious (!!)
27. Introverted (INTJ) and they want extroverted feelings type
28. Not needy enough-too self sufficient
29. Had my first wave of self employment at 11 (wasn't given money for anything that wasn't youth group and was told I could make decisions with money once I started earning it, oooppps)
30. When I heard someone whining about money that was a SAHM or not working I'd ask my family what was holding SAHM from getting a job to earn said money
31.Only babysat to earn money until I hit 16 and was able to get a real job
32. Studied other religions, cultures (THREAT)
33. Was a trustworthy, responsible teen. There is no such thing, according to their dogma. All teens would be drug addicted crazy gambling partying sex whores if is wasn't for constant church going, tithing, etc. Rather than take it in stride they tried to catch me doing da bad stuff. Disappointed to not ever catch me.
34. As an adult I don't attend church
35. Refused to proselytize
36. Stopped attending the indoctrination camps on summer break once I had a job (thanks job! thanks paycheck!)
37. Nice to animals and regard them as intelligent

Hmmmm...let me count the ways:

(First, my dad died when I was barely into adulthood, so I don't know whether HE'D be disappointed in me or not *shrugs*)

(Also, my mother died nearly three years ago...some of these apply to when she was still around.)

1. Mom had me at 20, she figured I'd follow suit. Instead, I joined the Navy and saw the world.

2. I'm not living in the same shitty small town I was forced to live in when I was in my teens...Mom thought that was the best place ever, while it triggers nothing but shitty memories for me

3. I decided to get tattoos, LOTS of them

4. My mother tried hooking me up with a couple of idiot single duhds, but was pissed off when I would have nothing to do with them

5. I decided to take MY biology into MY OWN hands, rather than giving my mother grandbrats (because fuck that noise)

6. If my mom were still around, she would've been SO pissed at me during my shaved head phase

7. I was raised Lutheran, but lost all of that baggage and became an atheist

8. Beside NOT living in said crappy town (#2), I was told that moving back to Minneapolis would be the worst mistake of my life

9. That being homeless episode that I've experienced the last year (I have a place now)

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Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

I seem to go against the grain at least for CF women. I was a girly girl and my mom wanted a more feminist type.Don't get me wrong. I think everyone has the right to live the life they choose as long as they are not harming others. But other than rejecting motherhood I am a girly type and Mom didn't like that. She was a SAHM and resented it, believing all the power and glory was in the workplace. Dad did not seem to care whether I was girly or not.

I did get a college degree like they wanted and tried to have a science career. But I was unemployed a lot, and even when I was working I found no power or glory in the workplace. Now I am on long term disability. The nasty shit at my most recent lab job is probably what made me sick.

So Mom was disappointed I was not feminist enough, and they both are disappointed I didn't have a brilliant career. I get the feeling Dad wanted me to marry and breed, Mom probably didn't. So he's disappointed about my personal life. And they both have always criticized my weight.

I forgot to add a couple more ways I disappointed my parents.

A lot of my interests were creative or artistic things. They wanted either an intellectual or a businesswoman type.

They were atheists, and I have an interest in the spiritual world. Another way I differ from most CF people. I agree with my parents that organized religion sucks, but I have never been an atheist.

I was also a disappointment right out of the womb because I wasn't a male. I was also a huge disappointment as a kid because I wasn't as smart as my brainy classmates and I was horrible at math. I was also a disappointment because of my artistic skills up until high school when my mother was told that I'd make millions being a professional artist, but then I wound up becoming a disappointment when I went to college for seven years and can't get or keep any job, let alone an art-related one. I'm sure I'd be an epic disappointment if my mother ever learned I quit being Catholic when I was in the third or fourth grade, or that I hated her fake boyfriend's guts and was happy when he died. I also got told what a failure I was when I dyed my hair red, when I told her I don't intend to live in this house once she dies or has to be in a nursing home and when I told her I didn't want my first car to be an exact replica of hers (that's a fight I won, but only after a may-unn drilled it into her head that there is nothing wrong with the type of car I wanted).

I've never gone out of my way to do anything to please her because I knew she'd either get pissed off about something else or the happiness would be very short-lived and it wasn't worth it.

My mother actually expected me to be a clone of her. It never occurred to her that I'd actually take more after my father's side of the family, most of whom she deemed to be 'weird.' My career, marriage, and life were successful. She resented the hell out of that.

As far as I know, my parents seemed to be okay with my decisions, although they wouldn't say anything to me directly so for all I know they could be secretly fuming over the fact I didn't do what everyone else in their famblees did and shit out kids. I'm sure my mom figured that at 29 years old I'd be married to a wonderful man with a good job and a couple of grandbrats for her to spoil. Although seeing the disaster her cousin's life has become and the way said cousin has failed at parenting time and time again, I think my mom is beginning to understand that if one doesn't want children, one shouldn't have them.
Even if they are disappointed, it's my life and I am not responsible for their happiness. It could always be worse - I could be a welfare whore that pops out a kid with each loser I shack up with. That's what I tell them every time grandbrats are mentioned.

Only thing I disappointed them on was not having kids. Yep.. I think that's all... and that was a BIGGIE!

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barbur
My mother actually expected me to be a clone of her. It never occurred to her that I'd actually take more after my father's side of the family, most of whom she deemed to be 'weird.' My career, marriage, and life were successful. She resented the hell out of that.

It is so strange when parents do not want their kids to succeed, or at least succeed on their own terms. Parents are supposed to worry about their kids failing, but some would prefer it just to say told you so.