How have you disappointed your parents?

I disappointed mine, for different reasons. Main thing is I refused to be her cheerleader, and I refused to put up with her bullshit. I refused to jump on the 'ethelsteria' bandwagon. she dictated what field I went into. I just did not have any clear picture of what I wanted to do. still don't. any disagreement with the bitch led to screaming meme fits. so, I got my diploma and I walked out on her. (could take the paranoid bitch anymore)
I am taking care of her now (she's calmed down a lot) and I hand her bs back to her on a platter. Her skull is so thick I doubt what I say to her penetrates.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

*pfffft*

My parents mentally and emotionally checked out of my life before I hit my teens, preferring to devote their energy to tearing one another apart. My siblings and I had to pilot ourselves into adulthood and, out of four, I was the only one who reached that stage relatively unscathed as far as making sensible life choices. Later in our lives, our parents thought they could judge, but were collectively told by us to FOAD. We were all lucky to be alive, but that wasn't due to any of their credit.

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Cambion
I was also a disappointment because of my artistic skills up until high school when my mother was told that I'd make millions being a professional artist, but then I wound up becoming a disappointment when I went to college for seven years and can't get or keep any job, let alone an art-related one.

That is incredible! Do your own thing! Any idea how rare and special it is to have that much artistic talent? It is more rare than winning the lottery!

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blondie

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barbur
My mother actually expected me to be a clone of her. It never occurred to her that I'd actually take more after my father's side of the family, most of whom she deemed to be 'weird.' My career, marriage, and life were successful. She resented the hell out of that.

It is so strange when parents do not want their kids to succeed, or at least succeed on their own terms. Parents are supposed to worry about their kids failing, but some would prefer it just to say told you so.

What she really like to do was brag about me to others, but viciously tear me to shreds privately. Narcissists and 'some' people with BPD like to have it both ways.

My mom seems to be happy as long as I'm happy, but my father still seems to hold out hope that I'll change my mind, have a few brats and become someone's traditional, obedient waifu.

I don't have low self-esteem. That's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.
-Daria

1. Not married at the age of 53 (No strong interest in the idea either.)
2. No kids. (No interest.)
3. Surrendered my condo in a Chapter 7. (I had no business even buying it much less trying to maintain it on a single low income.)
4. I hated high school and just wanted out. Mom disappointed that I didn't 'participate' enough.
5. Introverted. (I have always loved being alone too and spending time alone.A joiner but it has to be on my terms.)
6. No sig other. (Goes with #1.)
7. Not interested in following the herd. (I have always followed the beat of my own drummer.)
8. Not making tons of money. (I make enough to live on for now and have a few extras.)
9. Hasn't given them 'grandkids'. (Goes with #2.)

I stuck up for myself way too often (still, not often enough) to ever have gotten along well with my father. My mother's biggest disappointment with me, though, has got to be my tattoos. Seriously, leaving their religion and not having kids were nothing compared to that first tattoo. (I was in my 30s when I got it.)

I have brothers who gave my parents grandkids. If that weren't the case, I don't know how they'd have felt about my sister and I choosing not to breed. I suspect we got off easy because of it, though.

I was supposed to be an anchor loaf to tether my father to my mother. Shortly after I was born, he denied I was his kid. He came over to my mother's apartment, hit her over the head with a telephone and left her for dead while I was screaming in my crib. She never saw him again until years later after that, and I think she resented me ever since because her plan to keep him using me never worked.

Every time she looked at me, I was nothing more than a reminder to this 'great love' she had lost. She was stuck being a single moo (again) and had to raise me alone, while my father was off in another province drinking and partying. He died when he was 51 or 52, I'm not sure.

The fact that I developed a mental illness and had to "talk to counsellors" pissed her off, too. She didn't want our dirty little family secrets out, and it annoyed her that I had a great support system. She always saw me as the "black sheep" of the family, but I was just trying to survive MI and deal with my horrible past.

When I grew up, she softened towards me a little, and always felt guilty over the abuse she heaped on me. Now she's in a home with dementia and I have forgiven her. It was tough to see her after cutting her out of my life for a spell, but I couldn't bring myself not to see her.

I think I've always disappointed my mother because I was born with a job and I didn't fulfill it.

Ah well, nothing I do is ever good enough for my parents, their the type that think it mustn't be difficult if I can do it; therefore always expected me to go above and beyond the "above and beyond". which I did for too many years, till it occurred to me, better than everyone else they knew, was never going to be enough. my accomplishments were always a disappointment to them, even though they'd boast about my achievements to anyone who would listen; as if it were there own achievements.

lets see:
1. wasn't good at school work.
2. fat, initially thanks to mums issues with her own weight projected onto me.
3. loved manly sports such as weight lifting, karate, kick boxing and so on. my parents assumed I was there to ogle and pick up guys, when this wasn’t the case, they figured it meant I was a lesbian.
4. got a dog. they flat out told me they were disappointed.
5. supported myself, pets, house and hobbies all on my wage, with no desire to have a man do it for me.
6. wasn’t interested in dating/relationships, my parents assumed this meant I was a lesbian.
7. got a guy but wasn’t immediately planning a wedding or baby names. no shit I'd been dating him 2 months and only told my mum it was barely 1 month and she approached him about when we have our wedding, or when we have kids....
8. I'm not having kids.
9. I'm not having a wedding ceremony if I do get married, it'll be registered. (didn't tell them their probably not invited)
10. became unemployed by their hands, thus becoming lower class money wise.
11. my mum is so embarrassed to be seen with me in public because I cant afford "nice" clothes, that cost $50 per item. some of my clothes cost $2.50 and are comfy as all hell; I will wear them till they have holes, then I will wear them only at home, then they will become rags or cut up and made into toys for my cat.
12. I hate my dad who always treated me like shit, so naturally all the relatives hate me.. except my brother.
13. drink beer and spirits, instead of just wine or cocktails like a woman should.

The list could keep going, frankly I just try to do things on purpose to disappoint or annoy them now. its much more fun, and when they complain, I usually just say. I used to do that to make you happy or proud of me, but you never were, so why bother trying to please you?

I'm pretty sure that my parents are disappointed that I won't be having kids. They really want the typical grandparent experience. The weird thing about that is that they'd never get the typical grandparent experience anyway, since their house is a filthy mess and nobody in their right mind would ever take a baby in there. I'm a grown adult, and I hate going in there.

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"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

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LoveToLurk
I'm pretty sure that my parents are disappointed that I won't be having kids. They really want the typical grandparent experience. The weird thing about that is that they'd never get the typical grandparent experience anyway, since their house is a filthy mess and nobody in their right mind would ever take a baby in there. I'm a grown adult, and I hate going in there.

Same here. They were hoarders and mom was a chain smoker, which I loathed my entire life. If I'd had a kid, it certainly wouldn't haven't spent much time in their disaster of a house. And she would have been massively pissed off about it because her cigs were more important than just about anything else in her life. She kept her anger and defensiveness pretty well under control when she came to MY home and had to smoke outside, but you could still tell she felt entitled to stink up my home, as well.

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freya

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Cambion
I was also a disappointment because of my artistic skills up until high school when my mother was told that I'd make millions being a professional artist, but then I wound up becoming a disappointment when I went to college for seven years and can't get or keep any job, let alone an art-related one.

That is incredible! Do your own thing! Any idea how rare and special it is to have that much artistic talent? It is more rare than winning the lottery!

A lot of people tell me that, and for a while, I enjoyed having artistic skill. Now, though, I'd gladly trade that skill for something practical like the ability to fix cars, knowing how to build/fix computers or even a better understanding of medicine or science. Something I could apply to life and have it work out for me. Due to college, subsequent debt and an inability to find actual work with my education, I've developed pretty strong resentment toward my artistic abilities. It sucks.

---

I find it hilarious that my mother would definitely discourage me from breeding (as evidenced by the fact she used to have a nervous breakdown anytime she couldn't find my dirty tampons in the trash; have been on BC for several months, so she hasn't been doing this). The only reason for this is because she assumes she would be raising said child. She's told me my whole life I have no common sense, which means that I don't know how to do anything right, which further means that she takes it upon herself to do the things I "can't" do. I don't fold or hang laundry the way she does, so therefore, it's wrong and she has to "fix it." I don't walk the dogs the way she does, so I'm not allowed to walk them. I don't burn trash the way she does, so I'm not allowed to burn trash because I don't do it "right". I don't transfer dinner from pots/pans to bowls "properly," so I'm not allowed to scoop food into bowls. Shit you not, last week, she told me to not put the mashed potatoes into a bowl from the pot they were cooked in because I "don't do it good." Apparently my mother can put food away good and I can't.

Even if I wanted kids, I would never have them because I refuse to let my mother ruin another human being's life. I know precisely what she'd do: assume full care of the loaf and then bitch about how expensive child care is and how she already raised her kids.

This is the only thing about my mother that I like, only because she isn't breathing down my ass for grandchildren.

Cambion,

I recently read a book called Culture Crash The Killing of the Creative Class by Scott Timburg. I got it on Amazon. It's about how it used to be possible to make a living in various creative careers, but cultural changes in the past decade or two have made it increasingly difficult.

I think if I had felt free to do what I wanted I would have pursued something creative instead of science. Not that there is anything wrong with science, it just isn't really my thing. I chose it because it was the least objectionable of the very few things that were acceptable to my parents. And because supposedly there are tons of STEM jobs out there. But I have never found this to be true. I don't know if this is because of the ass- backwards city I live in (Tucson), or because employers just don't like me, or both.

Since I read the book I guess it is a good thing I did not try to do something creative. But it's damn sad. Your situation is even sadder. I'm sorry.

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barbur

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LoveToLurk
I'm pretty sure that my parents are disappointed that I won't be having kids. They really want the typical grandparent experience. The weird thing about that is that they'd never get the typical grandparent experience anyway, since their house is a filthy mess and nobody in their right mind would ever take a baby in there. I'm a grown adult, and I hate going in there.

Same here. They were hoarders and mom was a chain smoker, which I loathed my entire life. If I'd had a kid, it certainly wouldn't haven't spent much time in their disaster of a house. And she would have been massively pissed off about it because her cigs were more important than just about anything else in her life. She kept her anger and defensiveness pretty well under control when she came to MY home and had to smoke outside, but you could still tell she felt entitled to stink up my home, as well.

Yup. Both of mine are chain smokers as well. Every time I go there, the first thing I do when I get home is throw my clothes in the washer and jump in the shower.

The sad part is, it wasn't like that while I was growing up. I feel like they've both just given up and stopped caring. They both need help with mental health issues that have developed over the years, but damned if they'll admit it. Which would be another reason to keep a developing human far away from them, but that's a whole different topic.

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"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

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ondinette
Cambion,

I recently read a book called Culture Crash The Killing of the Creative Class by Scott Timburg. I got it on Amazon. It's about how it used to be possible to make a living in various creative careers, but cultural changes in the past decade or two have made it increasingly difficult.

I think if I had felt free to do what I wanted I would have pursued something creative instead of science. Not that there is anything wrong with science, it just isn't really my thing. I chose it because it was the least objectionable of the very few things that were acceptable to my parents. And because supposedly there are tons of STEM jobs out there. But I have never found this to be true. I don't know if this is because of the ass- backwards city I live in (Tucson), or because employers just don't like me, or both.

Since I read the book I guess it is a good thing I did not try to do something creative. But it's damn sad. Your situation is even sadder. I'm sorry.

Honestly, had I had any say in what I majored in, I probably would have gone into a medical field. Not to be a doctor, but something like an X-ray technician or a pharmacist. I do have a personal interest in health and I wouldn't feel as though someone's life was in my hands (I know you can endanger people if you handle radiation or their pills wrong, but I wouldn't want the weight of the role of physician on my shoulders). I also considered mortuary science, but since most funeral homes are family owned and operated, I figured I wouldn't ever find a job in the field because it seems the only way to work in a funeral home now is to be born into the family who owns it.

When I was still in school, my class heard a lecture from this guy who used to design album covers in the 80s and he was filthy fucking rich from it. I think it's the same guy who created the MTV logo. It amazes me that people could make such a handsome living off art 20 or so years ago when, now, I typically struggle to get someone to hire me to make their logo for five dollars because that's too expensive for their delicate budget.

I've had people tell me I should/could teach art, and considering my degrees, I could teach at university level. However, I refuse to. The reason is that I refuse to contribute to the doomed futures of art students and make them think for even a second that they'll ever find a job in their field. I'm sad to say it, but art should never, ever be a career. Art is a hobby, and hobbies don't make for good careers.

October, 1995. Jimmy Buffett concert. Phoenix Desert Sky Pavilion parking lot.
Participants included myself, a couple of limes (which I never dropped, tyvm), a bikini top, a weatherman and a live broadcast. Oh, and a rockin' tan. For contrast.

My parents happened to VHS the event. I didn't receive that souvenir until Christmas.

They weren't so much disappointed as just....well. Face palms.

If anyone knows of the whereabouts of this event in it's inedited format, hook me up. My ex boyfriend stole it. All I have now to commemorate this is an edited version my mom taped when the weatherman left for better digs and the station ran a blooper reel. This came in handy for my mom to "share" when she met my inlaws for the first time.

ETA: Damn. Where the hell did 20 years go?

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Cambion

I've had people tell me I should/could teach art, and considering my degrees, I could teach at university level. However, I refuse to. The reason is that I refuse to contribute to the doomed futures of art students and make them think for even a second that they'll ever find a job in their field. I'm sad to say it, but art should never, ever be a career. Art is a hobby, and hobbies don't make for good careers.

I'd argue that you can make a career out of it but you have to make massive sacrifices in order to do so. However, whether those sacrifices are worth it is up to the individual.

Long story short; I'm artsy and focused almost all my school life on that as I believed that it was the only thing I was good at, I studied it at Uni but dropped out after the 1st year as I realised it was a waste of time. I worked in a shitty job for a number of years whilst doing some freelance illustration on the side. I stopped this after I saw some of the exploitation going on within the industry and I realised that for me the sacrifice wasn't worth it. I'd lost all joy out of doing art and lost any pride I had also.

But. These days I get much more out of doing art as a hobby than I did as a job. It also gave me the confidence to do other things, things that I would have thought impossible 5-10 years ago. I'm now studying towards a science degree, I've taken up music (which I'm shit at but that doesn't matter) and I've had a go at other stuff too.

Cambion, you're not a failure because you don't have a career in this area. Hell, doing art requires brains and hard work despite what others may think about it being an inate talent. You have more skills than you realise, don't sell yourself short.

Sorry if this sounds preachy or relentlessly up-beat. I can assure you that I'm a cantankerous git in real life. But I like to encourage others because I never had any myself.


Back on topic:

I'm pretty sure I've done plenty to dissapoint my parents due to the fact that I do things my way and live my life how I want. They'd never say anything about it but I feel its the case.

@ Cambion:
I have an acquaintance who is a painter.
Her works have been exhibited in galleries.
She told me she earns some money but not enough to live off it.
(she is married and her DH has a good job, so no pressure).

Today, I listened to an interview with George Carlin:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-clvDxl8qI
He saw himself as artist and said that when he
was young, it was relatively "easy" to make it
and that isn't the case today.

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barbur
What she really like to do was brag about me to others, but viciously tear me to shreds privately. Narcissists and 'some' people with BPD like to have it both ways.

This describes my mother to a tee. She was happy to boast about my successes to others, when she could try and claim the credit and the bragging rights, but to my face it was all "Oh you think you're so bloody clever don't you? Just because you've done X. Well, let me tell you this..." and trying to take me down a peg or two.Whenever I announced some news I'd notice her getting her Unimpressed Face into place for it. She behaved like she'd rather die than admit to my face that I'd done well at something, because that would mean I'd "won" and she'd "lost"- it was as if saying "congratulations, well done, I'm proud of you" would have been the ultimate humiliation for her.

When she died one of the nurses on her ward told me "She was always going on about how proud she was to have raised two university-educated children." I'm sure this was meant to comfort me but it was upsetting as it was just a final bit of proof of her whole schtick- nope, I didn't work hard and earn my degree using my own talents, she raised me to get a degree and I did it by using her clever genes.

In my case the question should be "How could I not have disappointed my parents?" as my mother designated me The Bad Daughter from birth and was then determined to be unimpressed and disappointed by everything I did. My younger sister was designated The Good Daughter and could do no wrong- and if she did do something wrong it wasn't really her fault because she was just a baby. My father was a weak man who went along with all of this as my mother's enabler. If my parents were alive now they'd probably be disappointed to see that I ended up with a nice partner, a good career and a pretty good life while The Good Daughter went off the rails with drink and drugs, got a criminal record and managed to reach her thirties without ever having had a proper job.

My dad died when I was very young--he didn't live long enough to have an opinion of how I turned out. My mom doesn't have much reason to be disappointed in me because HEY, I'm a fabulous human being.

All kidding aside, my mom is a narcissist and I don't think she's really aware that her kids are separate from her. My siblings and I all did okay, and we have the conventional markers of success (good jobs or married into wealth, master's-level educations). I'm sure she brags about that at her retirement home.

My mom was COMPLETELY SHOCKED when I told her about my tubal ligation many years ago. I have no idea why it would be such a surprise--I said I didn't want kids for years. Now that I'm older I think she's glad I didn't have kids because she's getting older and she thinks that means I have more time for her, at least in her mind.

I think she's disappointed that the girls in our family didn't turn out like she did. My mom is the ultimate girly-girl who loathes physical activity and wants her house to be a frilly, feminine affair. I just realized that when we girls were in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, my mom brought us DRESSING TABLES with lighted mirrors. How ridiculous is that? I don't remember even sitting at mine all that often--what purpose did that serve for an eight year old kid?

My sisters and I are all very practical and not super-girly. I get pedicures and I will indulge in salon services occasionally, but am not a beauty or fashion slave. (Frankly I just don't want to part with the money that high maintenance requires.) I color my hair myself and get highlights at the salon.

I have one sister who doesn't color her gray hair. She also refuses to wear makeup or jewelry and it drives my mom nuts. It also makes me laugh because this sister has been married 30+ years. Actually two of the sisters are happily married and I've been happily married longer than my mom ever was...so much for all that bullshit about feminine wiles being good for one's marriage....

tldr: being the child of a narcissist means you'll disappoint her quite often.

I was born with the wrong genital equipment.
9 months after their wedding.
They were not ready financially and mentally.
I grew out of "cute baby/toddler" stage too fast.
They got golden penis when I was 7.
I was not happy about that and was forced to help take care of an infant I did not want.
I spent too much time with friends.
I did not excel in school in math/science like duh.
Started drinking and smoking pot early.
Got jobs in the service industries
Had my tubes tied.
Became a flight attendant, which made my mom jealous, as it was her dream when young.
Moved to the other side of the country.
Met and married an American, moved further away.
Quit that f/a job and worked in a boarding kennel.
Being opinionated and disinclined to obey.
Prefers animals to people.
The dark color of my sheep fleece.

My mother was, I believe, a high-functioning, undiagnosed bipolar. I figured out she didn't have both oars in the water by the time I was 14. I really disappointed her when I did not want to de-rail my college education to help her deal with my out-of-control sister. I went back to NYC to finish college while they stayed in the south and fed off each other.
Long story short: throughout most of my life I heard the phrase I heard the most from the rest of the family, "your mother ought to be ashamed of herself!!" about the way she treated me. She threw me over for my sister and her kids who proceeded to drain her dry. Now I have the privilege of seeing the karma bus run roughshod over my sister and her ho-bag of a daughter. Somehow my niece's kids and my nephew are pretty decent.

The testing culture and the "college and career" drive in the schools is part of the culture crash as well. Arts programs have been decimated in the schools. Parrunts have bought into this as well. I used to see terror in their eyes if a kid showed artistic talent; they'd tell the kid they'd never be able
to make a living in the arts. I'd tell the kid on the DL not to give up their passion for whatever artistic endeavor they were drawn to. That they could have both.

I've not only disappointed MY breeders, I've even MORE deeply disappointed my husband's moo.

I'll start with my breeders:
My breeders didn't want me, but I came before the roe vs wade scene, so despite their best (multiple) efforts I refused to die.
Then I refused to exit. I was carried 10 months before a doc would even try to induce.
I was so pissed by then, they had to surgically remove me, and everything else with me in a full hysterectomy.
They HATED ME from day one. That's when the physical abuse started.
The 1st murder attempt they tried (that I remember) failed around 4 years old.
I was deaf. Nobody noticed until I was 8.
Because I was the last kid and they'd not had the golden penis, they tried to get me into sports, and failed miserably
The second murder attempt they tried around 13 years also failed.
Between repeated murder attempts, horrific abuse and torture, I developed a whole slew of medical and mental/emotional issues.
They tried to drug me into what they wanted.
They tried to commit me when I turned 18.
I blackmailed them out of that shit.
I made it into college and did decently, but switched my major and most of my recreations to things they HATED.
Then I went on to pursue my dreams and do a decent job of it.
All that was incredibly disappointing to them. Refusing to breed just added to that disappointment like a drop in the bucket of utter loathing and disappointment.

Now, as for my husband's moo:
She's a fundie jesus crispie, so being non-christian was bad, being pagan was worse.
Having crazy-color hair was terrible.
Having tattoos and piercings was horrifying
Here's one most of you would be surprised with: I'm the first woman (including family) in my husband's life who was not abusive to him... and that was unacceptable to her.
(She and DH's sister are man-haters in that they're openly abusive to the men in their lives, and after breeding believe in divorce.)
I was empowering to my husband. I told him he was handsome and smart and wonderful, and *gasp* allowed to live his one life and do what he wanted. She hated that.
But the real kicker for her was the breeding. When she found out I was/am barren/sterile... and became that way on purpose, she told DH to dump me immediately.
For years, she wouldn't acknowledge I existed. She couldn't even make eye contact with me.
Then I was "his little friend" before finally coming to refer to me as "that thing he likes".
So for her, the non-breeding thing was the worst of the things she hates me for being.
She definitely had a very specific plan for DH and I fucked it up entirely.
Basically he was supposed to marry a girl just like her, knock her up twice, get abused and divorced before the older sprog hits middle school, then disappear but send money to support the sprogs and the newly single moo until the end of time, preferably all whilst remaining as miserable as possible... because that was how she treated his father and that's what all men deserve in her eyes, for the unforgivable crime of penis ownership.

Yep. I'm about the biggest disappointment there is, as far as I know.
...but I'm kind of happy to disappoint shitty people like that, because everyone that has impressed them or met their demands (my sisters and SIL) turned out just as shitty as what they were sluiced from... and I'm happy to have not met those standards of "life".