Help me survive this baby shower.

Hi everyone,

In a few weeks I will be attending a baby shower for my sister in law.
Normally I would avoid something like this like the plague but in the interest of peacekeeping and also because it's the first grandchild I have decided to attend and get the hell out of there after a polite amount of time.
I will be declining any future baby shower invites if there are any, but will show my face at this one.
I need to explain some background.
I have an extremely toxic narcissistic mother. She's controlling, manipulative and enjoys using others as her entertainment.
She previously has attempted to make me look bad in front of my brother and his partner by neglecting to tell me of an invite they extended to me (through her) to dinner at their place. Naturally I didn't show up and it looked as though I snubbed them .
I found out later that I had been invited all along and I explained to my brother that Nmother never told me about it.
I asked him to send any future invites directly to me (thus cutting her out and taking away her ability to control and he agreed to do this)
So this is the next invite and a large part of why I'm attending is so as not to satisfy my Nmother, if that makes sense.
She loves turning people against each other and I think it will annoy her more that I attend.

So here's the thing: Nmother knows I'm CF. She has never been accepting of it.
One of the main reasons I am CF is because of her horrific "parenting" and horrible treatment of me over my childhood.
I was turned into a mini adult very early on in life and had all of her problems dumped on me because she cares about nobody except herself. She's an extremely selfish self centred martyr type. You get the picture.

She will likely bring up that I'm CF at this thing just to make an example of me/make me uncomfortable.
I can only imagine the inevitable bingos I will have to grit my teeth through.
What I want from you guys is advice!
If she does drop me in the shit, I want to make her look as awful as possible. It would give me immense satisfaction.
She enjoys making me look angry/upset in front of people, which is not how I really am at all.
I want to avoid getting angry (because then she's won) The temptation to squeeze out a few tears and feign infertility (making her look like a grade A cunt) is strong but I'd rather come across as calm and level headed. It will annoy her more.
Sister in law is kind of aware that my mother is "difficult". I just want to show her up as much as possible.

Anyone well versed in dealing with cunty Narcs?? Have you got any good shut down phrases?
I anticipate my Nmother will be the problem here and not anybody else so I just want to be well prepared.
Appreciate any advice! Thanks!

My advice:
Cut out all of your dysfunctional family, quit twisting yourself in knots about their idiocy, enjoy the rest of your life surrounded by healthy people.
I did the above and do not regret it decades later.

I don't have much advice because this is a difficult situation.
The only thing - When you look satisfied and happy, it will piss NM off.
Fake it till you make it! It's only one evening!

Thanks guys, I fully intend on cutting them out and going NC/LC but currently care for a very sweet elderly non toxic relative, so still have dealings with them. As soon as I no longer have caring duties.......I'm out.

"after the childhood i had, why would i want to deal with again thought someone else?"
"would you have kids if you had been me?

drop mic. leave

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

I love that! She'd definitely play innocent and act like she has no idea what the hell I was talking about. Grrr.

The whole reason the woman wants me to shoot out a few kyds is to further terrorise me/turn them against me.

Abusers always want kids. It's a great way to control people.

Have a couple of escape routes from hostile Nmother. If she starts to humiliate you then excuse yourself to the bathroom, to grab food, say hi to someone, etc. Or you could play into her martyr tendencies. Keep your phone on vibrate and if she starts making the atmosphere tense then excuse yourself. Or If she tries to corner you then have an escape route in mind. Is it possible for you to stand for the entire party...this would make it easier to move around when needed.

If she attempts to start conflict with you then she will be remembered as the jerk at the baby shower. Refuse to engage in her pettiness.

Be present for your sister-in-law and others you care about only.

Excellent practical stuff there Freya. Appreciate it.
It's good to have a number of "get-out" tactics ready to use. Definitely helps me stay calm around her.

This is a woman who will have a long stay at shady pines in future.

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danity
Abusers always want kids. It's a great way to control people.

Say it a little louder for those in the back. All the frou-frou Kodak commercial reasons people give for having kids mask the real reason: they want a person they can manipulate, control, and mold into what they want. Hence why nobody wants to adopt older children. Other people got to them first and it would be more difficult to change their opinions and personalities.

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan

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paragon schnitzophonic

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danity
Abusers always want kids. It's a great way to control people.

Say it a little louder for those in the back. All the frou-frou Kodak commercial reasons people give for having kids mask the real reason: they want a person they can manipulate, control, and mold into what they want. Hence why nobody wants to adopt older children. Other people got to them first and it would be more difficult to change their opinions and personalities.

Amen. I am actually adopted myself, as is my brother. I am utterly convinced this woman only adopted us to have an emotional punchbag (me) and golden child (brother) . She enjoys telling each of us lies about the other. She cannot STAND me because I see her for what she really is.

I am also adopted. My adoptive parents were basically great... but... the my adop''ta''mom started becoming very obnoxiously jealous and suspicious of me as I got into my teens. I was kind of oblivious to most of it till I got out of the house and begain thinking back. Lots of weird mind games going on back then. Both adpt'ta'parents are gone now... and I have fond memories... except for the weirdness my mom went through for about 10 years. Maybe it was 'the change' LOL However.. it continued after I was married... and till she died.

A lot of the time the mental behaviour really kicks off when you start becoming more independent from them and are no longer an impressionable child. My Nmother has gone supersonic since my brother found his birth-mother, moved out, got engaged and is having a child in a short space of time. All those things were a loss of control for my Nmother and of course the scapegoat gets blamed (me)

Maybe it is a woman thing I don't understand but what happens if you don't go to a "shower"? Besides I think baby showers send the wrong message to women that they can have a baby and get all the gifts and attention and if you care about Earth at all, going to a baby shower is worse than going to a Ford dealer and buying an Excursion.

I happen to agree. I look on it as a total gift grab.
We don't even typically have them in my country but this is the only one I'll be attending.
Only women are invited too. Urgh.
I've always been a bit tomboyish so I will likely find it hellish to be around a bunch of cackling bints cooing over loaf clothes.
I hope they'll have a lot of wine.

Reminds me...... Nephew and wife's shower (gift grab) is coming up in about 3 weeks now. So glad I don't have to go to that. UGH.. I'm having enough nervous problems right now over some other things in my life. I DO NOT need to see/listen to a bunch of cows ooohing and aaahing over loaf crap.

I hear ya. I hear they play "games" at these things. Jesus I am dreading it!!

The best thing is to cut narcissists out completely. Barring that, don't engage her. If she speaks to you, keep your replies to "yes," "no," "I don't know," and "I don't want to discuss that." Then leave as soon as possible. Get something to eat or drink, play with any pets that are present in the house, walk around the house, anything. Narcissists hate it when people don't pay attention to them - they think everyone else thinks of them as highly as they think of themselves.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My niece is a narcissist, and they really are the worst people. I understand that you want to go to smooth things over with your brother and SIL. After you build the bridge, I advise you to cut out the narcissist in your life.

Lock him up or put him down.
Stolen from Shiny.

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danity
I hear ya. I hear they play "games" at these things. Jesus I am dreading it!!

Yeah, but if you look for the right place setting that has something under it that none of the others do you can sometimes score a nice centerpiece!!

@starlady ... I am pregnant with anticipation for the trainwrecky stories from your upcoming clusterfuck.

My suggestion for the OP. If no wine, xanax.

At least at a baby shower there tend not to be babies or small children present, just adults playing childish games. So you're not going to have to listen to screaming or listen to the constant interruptions of brats. You can deflect questions about your own fertility by either saying it isn't in your plans or, if you want to shame the person who asked, by subtly accusing them of trying to steal the limelight: "Oh, this isn't the time to discuss my plans, this party is to celebrate Jane!"

But I think the main thing, as others have mentioned, is to have ways to remove yourself from the scene when you're pissed off and want to fight back but you know it would cast you in a bad light. A bathroom break is always an option, and if someone suggests you have a weak bladder due to pregnancy, you can always explain that you just have a very heavy period.

Mind you, I've never attended or will attend a baby shower, because I'm pretty vocal about my dislike of children and fairly outspoken about opposing reproduction on environmental grounds, but there are some people I care about who reproduced so I have sometimes taken a more polite approach and played social niceties to some extent. Still, I've never dealt much with narcissists so my advice may be useless.

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mr. neptune
Maybe it is a woman thing I don't understand but what happens if you don't go to a "shower"?

I'm a woman, and I don't even know if it's a woman thing. Mostly because in a lot of ways I think like a man and some behavior of some women mystify me as much as they do men. In some circles I guess you could be shunned? Then you'd have to consider the quality of those who shunned you. I only ever had to go to family ones when I was a kid and didn't have a choice. Boredom like a hit of Dilaudid. Never went to another in my life, and only bought gifts for three couples we know, as they've proved to be sane and non-breeder afflicted and who we have shared pleasant hospitality with.

For whatever reason, I've been slightly obsessed by this truly awful show called 'Arranged.' You can look it up at Imdb.com if you're not familiar. It's a series where each season cameras follow three couples who are getting married. I don't understand the 'Arranged' thing because it's really only the Indian women and men who are actually 'arranged,' even if they found their potential spouse on Indian-only dating sites, with many of those Indians living and/or raised in the US. Lots of people looking for marriage there. Lots of kids (or, 'kidults') acting about like you'd imagine, with about the degree of self-awareness you'd expect. It's really not the show that's awful, it's these people. Yeah, I know editing, really too young kids, people who were independent longer than their peers so have huge boundary (boundaries gooood) issues, but . . .

Out of six couples, you'd think you'd find *somebody* charming, but this is not the case. Well, wait a
minute . . . I do like Meagan's (1st season 'Southern' couple - Meagan & Josh) mother. She and "Type A I need a whole bottle of xanax to stop trying to control everything" Josh's mother sit there and talk and Meagan's mom often has this WTF look on her face that just cracks me up. What her eyes and face communicate is that she thinks Miss Thang is a whackadoodle of the highest order, lol!

See, I think Meagan would be a bit better if she'd just finish college and get a job. She's STILL going to want a kid sooner than her husband is, so I expect that to be a constant tension for them. She needs to get out there and gain some confidence in herself and her abilities so that she can maybe get the tools she's going to need for the rest of her life, dealing with both Josh AND his mother. I know a lot of people might disagree, but she's at least a little spunky so might fare a little better if she focuses on herself and her own goals, at least for a little while.

I loved and by that I mean hated that clip of SouthernBellefromHell MIL saying to Megan that she looked 'voluptuous' in her wedding dress. Gawd, bitch. She looked fabulous and, yes, voluptuous. Shocking thing to see on a woman, I know, in these days of starving bobble-heads. She's not fat and she's not skinny - she's a healthy young woman with a healthy looking body I'd KILL for and society and these dingbats she married into are cattily, butter-wouldn't-melt southern assholes like no other on the planet, totally gaslighting her about her non-fucking-existence of fat and are so continually passive/aggressive with her. And the freaking 'Fitness Nazi Josh' just needs to exit stage left. A lot of women just have to figure out what really works best for them. Josh's nagging and insisting she 'get in shape 'his way' is a big part of the problem. Just stop the conversation and things will go the way they go. You made the vows, children. Try to rise to the occasion. She'll get into a routine at her own pace because at least *I* can tell she's concerned about maintaining her weight and figure. I hated 'working out' until I discovered swimming was IT. Good for my fibromyalgia, easier on arthritic hip and shoulder. Wish I'd been doing that all along. Amazing what a little time, perspective, and humility will do for you. So, she'll figure it out **in her own time**.

Okay, that's just one train wreck and you can look up others if you wish. In at least one case what happened is clear child and possibly sexual child abuse due to the rather extreme (unconventional, at least) youth of both the bride and groom. This culture doesn't usually record marriages with the state, so that's how they get away with, yes, selling their female children to the family of the child groom. I don't even remember how those old men sat there and justified taking actual cash money for some other old guy's daughter, but boy did they try to spin it how it was just the BESTEST THING EVAR 'for the bride.' ALL to benefit HER, you see. But never actually explained HOW. And they wonder why they're considered sketchy.

Thanks for the replies guys

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contemplativeintrovert
The best thing is to cut narcissists out completely. Barring that, don't engage her. If she speaks to you, keep your replies to "yes," "no," "I don't know," and "I don't want to discuss that." Then leave as soon as possible. Get something to eat or drink, play with any pets that are present in the house, walk around the house, anything. Narcissists hate it when people don't pay attention to them - they think everyone else thinks of them as highly as they think of themselves.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My niece is a narcissist, and they really are the worst people. I understand that you want to go to smooth things over with your brother and SIL. After you build the bridge, I advise you to cut out the narcissist in your life.

I know that in time I will likely have no choice but to walk away from My Nmother.
She is one of the most impossible to please women on earth with a massive God-complex.
She sees herself as the most charming beautiful kind soul on earth and she's anything but that.

She reacts BADLY to a celebration of something or somebody other than herself so that's why I'm on high alert at this thing.
She's had an episode at my father's birthday earlier this year. It was a party for him and his brother.
Presents were given to Dad, his brother, his Mum who was having her birthday a few days later and his Aunt who's 96th birthday was shortly after too.
I think what really finished my Nmother off was a present being given to my brother and his fiancee( the girl who's baby shower this is) to welcome her into the family.
It was a lovely gesture and she got a bit emotional.
My Nmother immediately burst into a big (fake) "tearful" outburst of "emotion"
It was all I could do not to crack up laughing!
She sat beside me sniffing and dabbing her eyes (despite no tears coming out) for TWENTY minutes.
All for attention of course.

Another incident happened recently on father's day.
Was having a lovely day, everyone was getting along and I decided to make choux pastry for dessert (profiteroles)
My Nmother is a qualified home economics teacher with a degree in it. (This is relevant)
I merely bake for pleasure the odd time.
I make the pastry and she keeps telling me I'm so "brave" to be attempting choux pastry as it's so easy to get it wrong. I ignore her .
I put the pastry in the oven and tell her under no circumstances to open the oven door as it causes the pastry to fall flat.
She knows this already. Pastry was turning out perfectly and I was really happy with how it was going.
With 2 minutes to go I had my back turned and what does she do?? You guessed.
Opens the oven door. Pastry falls flat and I get mad.
I tell her she did that on purpose.
Cue fake "tears" and "I would never do that to you"
"You would" I reply She's done worse in the past.
She throws herself a pity party and complains I'm so nasty to her.
So I'm the bad guy and she gets the attention she so badly craved on father's day ( a day celebrating someone other than her)

I could never invite her to a wedding of mine and you can see why this baby shower is putting me on edge!!

Xanax is a great idea!

Yurble that is a great idea about deflecting attention back on the mother to be. It's polite and also a nice way to shut down unwanted questions.
No idea if there'll be kids at this thing. Time will tell.

Barbur: I'm much like yourself! I have never really understood a lot of "typical" women's behaviour.
I have three extremely close male friends and I'm just one of the guys.
Far more comfortable hanging out with them talking crap and going for dinner/movies than I would be at spa treatments/ shopping sprees/cocktail bars or whatever. I will be like a fish out of water in a room of women gushing over infant clothes. The way a lot of women look at infants is the way I look at animals. Never got the attraction at all.
I will check that show out! That MIL on the show who said the bride looked "voluptuous" sounds like my Nmother.
She loves reminding me that I'm not the same dress size as I was at the age of 21. I'm one size up ffs!
She has issues with her own weight so she's just projecting it on me.
Thanks for the heads up!!

I'm really glad that the one baby shower I've been to wasn't all udder rubbing and cutesy-ass baby games. It consisted of everybody standing around chatting with each other and nibbling on food, with a brief break for the parents-to-be to open the presents. Main reason I attended is that I made the cake and desserts for the party.

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan

Here are my two trump cards for pestering about breeding.

First with a puzzled look, "You... you actually want me to have an unwanted child?"
The supreme trump card if they continue, "Naw, I'd never do that to another human, I know exactly what it's like to be an unwanted child." Looking at N mother, of course, no matter who won't drop it.

Good luck! Remain confident that you have good morals and don't yank people around by their emotions for fun. Redirecting to the incubator is best, but having some back up comments can really help you keep your equanimity!

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danity
Excellent practical stuff there Freya. Appreciate it.
It's good to have a number of "get-out" tactics ready to use. Definitely helps me stay calm around her.

This is a woman who will have a long stay at shady pines in future.

You're welcome danity. Bet you can think of plenty more tactics

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danity

Another incident happened recently on father's day.
Was having a lovely day, everyone was getting along and I decided to make choux pastry for dessert (profiteroles)
My Nmother is a qualified home economics teacher with a degree in it. (This is relevant)
I merely bake for pleasure the odd time.
I make the pastry and she keeps telling me I'm so "brave" to be attempting choux pastry as it's so easy to get it wrong. I ignore her .
I put the pastry in the oven and tell her under no circumstances to open the oven door as it causes the pastry to fall flat.
She knows this already. Pastry was turning out perfectly and I was really happy with how it was going.
With 2 minutes to go I had my back turned and what does she do?? You guessed.
Opens the oven door. Pastry falls flat and I get mad.
I tell her she did that on purpose.
Cue fake "tears" and "I would never do that to you"
"You would" I reply She's done worse in the past.
She throws herself a pity party and complains I'm so nasty to her.
So I'm the bad guy and she gets the attention she so badly craved on father's day ( a day celebrating someone other than her)

I could never invite her to a wedding of mine and you can see why this baby shower is putting me on edge!!

If not her than who opened the over door? You have to watch her like a hawk, wow! She acts like a little child.