Offensive Pity from a Wanna-Breed

I recently met a woman who, on paper, looks like someone I would be friends with. I was excited to meet her based on a mutual friend's description. We had lunch, and she asked if I had kids. No. She asked if I planned to have kids. God, no. Then, she said - no shit - "aww, I feel sorry for people like you," complete with tilted head and extended lower lip. All she wanted to talk about is the fact that if she doesn't meet a victim husband by 35 that she will use a sperm donor. Her future plans all hinge on the resultant children. She is quite possibly the most boring and sad person I have ever met, yet she felt sorry for me. I believe in avoiding people who are unhappy and unlucky, and it was coming off of her like stench, but she felt sorry for me. I found it both repulsive and offensive.

How do you all respond to people who express unnecessary sympathy? I was so taken aback that I just shrugged.

Mostly I just try to get out of the uncomfortable situation quickly but politely, but one of these days I won't be in shock and I will just stand and leave. Why drag out a friendship-date when it's obvious there's no simpatico feeling and no career/money/etc rides on your social graces?

"Yup. I won't have to worry about whether or not my kids are going to be able to find work when they're older, whether or not there will be food to feed them, won't have to worry about some sick fuck taking them from their own beds at night, and won't have to worry about if I'm raising a decent human being. I won't be selfish and play the genetic lottery, or wonder how I failed as a parent when my child can't even sit up on their own at the age of 5 because I just had to have a baby. Yup. You should feel sorry for me for not risking having a psychopath be born into the world to torment others. I'm so heartbroken for not inflicting pain on something innocent and I'm disappointed that I won't have to worry about a monster doing unspeakable things to someone I'm supposed to protect with my life. Yup. My life sucks but hey it was nice meeting you and good luck in bringing someone in to this world to supply and feed your narcissistic needs.".

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"It is better not to look like what you are; it is better to look like a bourgeois woman because then all the doors are open for you and then you can just go and make hell." - Marjane Satrapi

Initially, I would probably say nothing. Afterwards, as always happens to me, when I've left the conversation, I would probably think of something I should have said. Something to the effect of;

"You are basing your future happiness around another individual? What a stupid thing to do. Why do you want kids? To care for you when you're old? Suppose they put you in a nursing home; not all residents are CF. To give you unconditional love? Suppose they cut off contact after they reach financial independence? Not all lonely people are CF. A, you should have kids if and only if you do so for the sake of kids themselves and not some other end. B, planning your future happiness on kids, things beyond your control, makes as much sense as quitting your job and banking on the lottery."

Lock him up or put him down.
Stolen from Shiny.

I would bring up crime rates for children born to single parents as she plans to get some sperm and do the job herself if Mr. Wallet doesn't show himself by the time she's 35. Won't she think of the chyuld?

I know that we have members here that were raised by single parents and grew up to be decent human beings, but I still feel badly for those that don't know the love and stability of a 2 parent household. Just my opinion.

I've never had anyone outright tell me they felt sorry for me, but I hope I would respond with something like, "You should only feel sorry for me if I did have them" or "I feel sorry for people whose self-identities are wrapped up in whether they've reproduced."

Or, "The one you should feel sorry for is any kid unlucky enough to have a parent who doesn't want kids."

Not that I think well enough on my feet to come up with any of those when I'm face to face with someone, but still.

How old is this woman? That is, would she be planning to go to a major university with a school of engineering to get her MRS degree?

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mr. neptune
How old is this woman? That is, would she be planning to go to a major university with a school of engineering to get her MRS degree?

She's thirty, so, no. Her biological clock was ticking so loudly I couldn't concentrate.

All good responses. Wish I had thought of them.

I doubt she'll find someone willing to marry her. Men can smell that middle-aged baby-rabid desperation and she'll want to move way too fast because she'll want a ring on her finger and a positive piss test after the first date. That kind of behavior will scare most men off. Someone whose entire future depends entirely on whether or not they produce children is someone who's in for a world of disappointment. I guarantee she'll hold any potential kids she has to insanely high standards and micro-manage their lives and be sure to remind them their whole lives that they exist to make Mommy happy - that's their job.

Why does she feel sorry for you? Because you're sane and secure enough to not feel the need to make a superfluous life to justify your existence? She feels sorry that you aren't in an unnecessary race against time like she is? I almost feel sorry for her for being so stupid. Almost.

I'd stay far away from this person or else you'll become her audience when she inevitably has problems finding a baby-daddy, problems conceiving and/or when her kids don't do precisely what she wants them to do.

When I encounter people who think or behave in the way that you described, I immediately do a couple of evaluations.

1) Is there a necessity in preserving this relationship ? (ie will there be a required on-going relationship where I have to play nice or can I skewer this person with words?)

2) If I expend effort to clue this person in, will it be worth the effort? (are they so stupid or insulor or pig-headed that any words or efforts would be a waste?)

Generally speaking, I am an extremely "out and proud" child-free person who doesn't worry too much about the consequences of what I say and what other people think of me.
Obviously "Your Mileage May Vary" applies to this and many other life situations.

PS: Most idiots such as that woman are best dealt with a short pithy but deadly accurate response.

I generally don't waste my time trying to convert WannaBreeds because they won't listen anyway.

"Why would you feel sorry for me when I'm living the life I want to live ?"

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addiea raine
"Yup. I won't have to worry about whether or not my kids are going to be able to find work when they're older, whether or not there will be food to feed them, won't have to worry about some sick fuck taking them from their own beds at night, and won't have to worry about if I'm raising a decent human being. I won't be selfish and play the genetic lottery, or wonder how I failed as a parent when my child can't even sit up on their own at the age of 5 because I just had to have a baby. Yup. You should feel sorry for me for not risking having a psychopath be born into the world to torment others. I'm so heartbroken for not inflicting pain on something innocent and I'm disappointed that I won't have to worry about a monster doing unspeakable things to someone I'm supposed to protect with my life. Yup. My life sucks but hey it was nice meeting you and good luck in bringing someone in to this world to supply and feed your narcissistic needs.".

Nailed it!

Not sure how old this woman is (assuming she has to be close to 30 based on the conversation) but there were plenty of men I knew in my 20's who wanted kids, had bright futures and would have made great "wallets." Where has this woman been? I understand how it is difficult to find child-free spouses but if you want kids it is like shooting fish in a barrel.

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freya
Not sure how old this woman is (assuming she has to be close to 30 based on the conversation) but there were plenty of men I knew in my 20's who wanted kids, had bright futures and would have made great "wallets." Where has this woman been? I understand how it is difficult to find child-free spouses but if you want kids it is like shooting fish in a barrel.

I am sure the desperation rises off of her like cheap perfume. Any guy who has his life together is going to get far, far away from her, while those who are looking for someone to use and manipulate are drawn to it like sharks to chum. I am a little surprised she didn't get knocked up by some druggie loser, but maybe she has a few standards.

Tilt your head slightly and appear deep in thought. Then say in a low, confidential tone, " Well, I would never admit this to anybody else but... I really don't think it's fair to pass on my genes. All of us have made a bond not to do it. We don't want to unleash another Uncle Jeffrey on the world. The name change worked for a while but, the whole family is still chipping in to help pay the legal bills. And you never know when Dateline or 20/20 will knock at the door and everything will flare up again." The brightening: "Hey, do you eat meat? Do you like liver?"

Hah! I wouldn't know whether to laugh or punch her. That's just a total lack of manners, but more that that, it's an expression of how deeply miserable she is with her own life. Rough translation: "Fuck you for knowing what you want and stating it so clearly! I want to seek independence too, but instead I'm dependent on a man and his seed for my happiness. My entire future is driven by a race against an imaginary biological clock over which I have no control."

What a cuckoo.

I likely wouldn't say anything, almost laff, but if I was in a mood I'd simply say, " Funny, I really feel sorry for people like you." Simple, and honest to boot.

I've been on boards like this since my late 20s I think, so now that I'm well into middle age, I'm always a little shocked that the younger generation of women would talk like this to a CF in 2017. It's just so corny with everything else going on for women. But the climate is much more accepting than it used to be, that's for sure. But on the other hand, the altar of the child is being built higher and higher every day too. I worked in a office that everyone used to be married if reproduced Now,young women in the same office, if they want a kid but see no potentials in sight, they just have a baby with a random dude, not necessarily a wallet. More power to 'em, but now they're in a self-made hole, just to have the so-called joys of moohood and a FT career. They use the grandparents as the "dad" to raise the kid. They wear it as some kind of badge, but I do feel pity em they feel the must do this to be happy, and likely really aren't in so many ways.

bell_flower summed up my own thoughts pretty well. Not even worth engaging, unless you're just in a trollish mood. People who've read this board have seen that I'll occasionally tweak wanna-breeds for fun...but mostly I don't bother. Just not worth it.

"Wait, so I've decided this one important thing in my life...and I'm happy about it...so you feel sorry for me?"