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A Miracle! Advice colmnist assures woman it's ok to NOT date a man with an Autard

Posted by cfinboston 
This is like seeing a unicorn! The colmnist points out that being involved with a man with an autard may window up being too stressful and expensive, and she should feel no guilt for staying away from the situation.


http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/am-i-selfish-for-not-wanting-to-date-a-man-with-a-special-needs-child/
It's nice to see most of the comments be reasonable and logical, instead of an immediate emotional response of foaming at the mouth. Kids by definition are time- and resource-suckers; a special needs child ramps that up to 11, especially one that will never be an independent adult. People are so focused on "inclusion, not exclusion" that they take it to a ridiculous degree and guilt-trip those that don't want to spend their entire monthly salary on a special needs kid and sacrifice their entire lives for something not of their own doing. There are people out there that don't mind dating somebody with kids and some of those don't mind if one of those kids is disabled. Breeders of kids and disabled kids can find one of those instead of trying to force somebody who is completely disinterested in doing so.

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan
The guy's general tone is very pragmatic and realistic. I like that he emphasizes that you can decline to date anyone, for any reason. Is it "fair"? Probably not, but that's life. People get to have preferences about their dating/love life. And that can include things like childed status. Once you have kids, you're changing your prospects. The end.
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randomcfchick
The guy's general tone is very pragmatic and realistic. I like that he emphasizes that you can decline to date anyone, for any reason. Is it "fair"? Probably not, but that's life. People get to have preferences about their dating/love life. And that can include things like childed status. Once you have kids, you're changing your prospects. The end.


Amen. thumbs up

I've expressed this sentiment many times. People can do whatever the hell they want with their personal lives, and for whatever reason. It is perfectly okay to discriminate against a potential romantic interest due to them being too heavy, too thin, too black, too white, too poor, too rich... whatever. And that includes the baggage that they bring along--drinking, drugs, debt.... and kids.

No one is owed a friendship, or a date, or a hug, or sex, or anything else.
It took me a LONG time to realize that I am NOT a social service organization in either my dating life(now pretty much over due to too many times burned, etc) and my life in general!
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reeniebessagain
It took me a LONG time to realize that I am NOT a social service organization in either my dating life(now pretty much over due to too many times burned, etc) and my life in general!

"My twat is not a soup kitchen."

--------------------
"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny
Single Duhs act like women are obligated to date them because they think they're such saints and "deserve" significant others. A single tard Duh's attitude would likely be ten times as entitled as a normal Duh's.

No one is required to date or be in a relationship, which means that it's perfectly fine to be discriminatory in regard to who it is you date. You kind of have to be, otherwise you might wind up with someone who you're in no way compatible with and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with a retarded kid who will never be an independent adult. Dating a single parent is shitty enough, but you can boot those kids out at 18 if they're normal. An awtard is going to be a permanent fixture in your life and will always be your partner's main priority rather than you. It is VERY rare anymore for people to put their fucked-up kids in group homes and nut houses where they belong.

Whether or not she'd want to, Moo would become partly (if not mostly) responsible for the care of this tard she had no hand in making: dragging it to therapy, attempting to medicate it, buying whatever foods don't cause it to have a five-hour-long meltdown, figuring out all Junior's "quirks" and triggers, paying for/replacing the shit it will inevitably ruin... and that's just the tip of the iceberg. You know the guy will foist care of his tard onto Moo and probably her kids too because that's the only reason single fathers date: to find someone with a pulse and a vagina to dump their kids on because child-rearing is women's work. I don't know how much of a violent hulkatard this guy's little sideshow freak is and as "nice" as Duh might be, Moo should also take into consideration what kind of a threat her man's tard will pose to her own kids. Even the most tolerable medicated retards can haul off and snap a kid's neck because the tard was triggered by the kid's shoelace loops being the wrong shape.

The bottom line is if any person has even the slightest hint of a doubt about committing to anyone romantically, then they shouldn't make that commitment. Breeders are by far the worst people to date, and dating someone with a retard is like lighting a stick of dynamite, holding onto it and wondering why you don't have a hand anymore when it explodes. You know what's going to happen, so just don't fucking do it because the outcome will never, ever be any different no matter how special you think you are. This woman's dating pool is already considerably narrow because she's got brats, but it's not non-existent. The Duh, on the other hand, has far too much baggage to reasonably expect to find a long-term partner. Taking on even partial responsibility of a fucked-up kid that is in no way related to you without getting paid for it is right above world peace on a list of reasonable expectations.

Personally, I think Duh needs to forget about dating entirely. His plate is more than full with an awtard to raise. Should he decide to commit Tardley to a group home or nut house long-term in the near future, then he can start thinking about finding a partner (makes me wonder where the tard's bio-Moo is and why she doesn't have custody). He doesn't need to be dating anyway and possibly perpetuating his busted genes further to make more drains on society.
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StudioFiftyFour
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randomcfchick
The guy's general tone is very pragmatic and realistic. I like that he emphasizes that you can decline to date anyone, for any reason. Is it "fair"? Probably not, but that's life. People get to have preferences about their dating/love life. And that can include things like childed status. Once you have kids, you're changing your prospects. The end.


Amen. thumbs up

I've expressed this sentiment many times. People can do whatever the hell they want with their personal lives, and for whatever reason. It is perfectly okay to discriminate against a potential romantic interest due to them being too heavy, too thin, too black, too white, too poor, too rich... whatever. And that includes the baggage that they bring along--drinking, drugs, debt.... and kids.

No one is owed a friendship, or a date, or a hug, or sex, or anything else.

The other thing I'll throw in: you can break up with someone for any reason, too. Sure, some reasons will likely been seen as shallow, dumb, or harsh. Hell, I've been broken up with for ridiculous reasons. But it was his prerogative, and I moved on.
I would never date anyone with a tard. It doesn't matter if the guy has a gold studded dick.

The guy would just be looking for a tard wrangler and all the work would fall on the woman. No thanks! Duhs can take their brats elsewhere, because I have no interest in raising someone else's mistakes.
I've been reading here for a while and signed up specifically to respond to this post. I was one of the commenters beneath the referenced column.

Anyway, I had a chance to date a girl I'd adored for over 20 years last year. She really is an amazing woman who unfortunately married a narcissist with whom she has an autistic son. The narcissist abandoned her and their son (he's ashamed of the kid apparently), and ultimately they divorced. Of course she pretty much has full custody of the boy save for one weekend per month (unless the dad calls up and says he doesn't want the kid, which he does). In his younger years the kid was the worst of the worst - nonverbal, shit-smearing, head-banging and violent. With early intervention he's verbal, in regular school, doesn't play with his shit and is apparently non-violent at age 12. He'll never be able to drive a car, and there's apparently always a chance of regression. His handwriting looks like that of a three-year-old, and he still plays with stuffed animals and Legos and builds forts in his room. He still has meltdowns, has a very limited diet, has the social and emotional maturity of a kid half his age, and doesn't have many friends. One thing that alarmed me is his fascination with Hitler and the Nazis. More importantly, he rules the roost. One of the first times I visited her at their home, I laid my keys down on a table by the entrance. She told me immediately to pick up the keys because her kid considers that particular table to be "his" table and would get upset if he saw my keys there. Other times we had to whisper because he tried to eavesdrop on our conversations. I had to be careful what I said or if I even said anything at all to the kid if he wasn't "in the mood" to avoid him getting upset. We lived about an hour apart, and half the times I visited her we ended up playing stupid kids' games, watching stupid kids' movies, or taking the weirdo geocaching. He's annexed part of her bedroom closet, uses her toothbrush, and lays in bed with his mom at night, holding hands and watching TV. All of this really weirded me out. I read a ton about autism, which is what led me to discover this board. Anyway, I became well-versed in the negative aspects of dealing with an autistic child.

What this article gets right is that when you date a parent with an autistic or special needs kid, your needs and those of anyone else in the household will often be sacrificed for the needs of the autistic kid. The kid's parent will always view the child as the top priority - and that's the way I guess it should be. But at least in my case, it became readily apparent that my needs would be neglected every time for the sake of the autistic kid. Anytime he was around we had to pretend like we were just friends. And autistic kids aren't dumb - they know if they have the control in the house. I tried to interact with this kid the only way I knew how - the way my brother and older cousins interacted with me when I was a kid. I teased him about going to get tattoos, which is hilarious if you know me (I'm about the most straight-laced, non-tattoo guy you can imagine). This kid actually said to me the last time I saw him, "If you joke about getting tattoos one more time, I'm gonna tell my mom to never let you back in our house." I'd pretty much made my mind up, but that sealed it. I walked out a short while later knowing I'd never return. And with a kid like that you'd be a fool to not seriously consider you're signing up for a lifetime of autism because it's very likely he'll never be independent. That's not a life I want. It's sad that the father bailed on them, but I didn't create the problem and I sure as hell can't fix it. I lasted six months and will NEVER date someone who has an autistic kid again. Anyone who takes issue with that can martyr himself or herself if they so choose, but that's not the way I want to live my life. And unlike the boy's parents, I had a choice.
There are a few "you're immature and selfish and this man and his child deserve better" comments, likely from single MOOs with autards. Why is it that people are expected to apologize for their preferences and act like it's a failing on their part? If someone is able to find a partner with his or her current standards, then those standards aren't too high.
"The kid's parent will always view the child as the top priority - and that's the way I guess it should be"

It is almost the same with a normal kid, and when the normal kid leaves, has a career and marries then your life would be curtailed by having to deal with the grandkids.
too-old, very well put.
did you happen to tell this woman why you left? any reaction to that?
also some of the reasons we don't buy a lot of this autard coddling: too many are just manipulative bastards and know precisely what they are doing.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children
and I defy anyone to prove me wrong:

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my pets.

Mankind and its needs (wants) are like unto a black hole. It devours all available resources and it never is full: it merely grows larger and demands more.

Definition of 'wealthy': Anyone who makes more/has more than you do.

Someone pointed out that I'm a realist. And all along I thought I was just a pessimist crossed with a cynic.

Entitlement, thy name is mooooooooooooooo

"Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove
they are insured... but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.
Add to this that, many of those who refuse or are unable to prove they are
citizens, will receive free insurance paid for by those who are.""

I am confused enough already. I do not need outside help.
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twocents
too-old, very well put.
did you happen to tell this woman why you left? any reaction to that?
also some of the reasons we don't buy a lot of this autard coddling: too many are just manipulative bastards and know precisely what they are doing.

Thanks for your feedback and support. It was not an easy decision to make for me. But I was miserable and felt like my needs and feelings were not and would not ever be a priority for her. I'd known the woman for over two decades, we have a ton of the same friends, and she really is a good person. She's been dealt a couple of bad hands, and I hate to hurt people. I just told her that I didn't believe I was cut out for the situation. Then I explained that I couldn't simply flip a switch from being the boyfriend to being the friend any time the kid was around and that I didn't appreciate having to play by the kid's rules. And I was candid in admitting that I'd grown to resent him, that said resentment would only get worse if nothing changed (and nothing was going to change), and that said resentment wasn't fair for anyone involved. She argued that I never gave the kid a chance, that I allowed all the bad stuff I'd read about autistic kids (there's a lot out there) to color my opinion of him (uh, of course I did - I would've been a naive fool NOT to seriously consider all of the accounts of living with an autistic child I'd read), that I can't handle her situation, etc. I didn't argue with her. I just told her that I adored her, had cared about her since we were in college, and would continue to care about her. And I expressed how thankful I was for the time we had together, as it was pretty much a dream come true. Haven't heard from her since, but I haven't regretted my decision for a second.
Too Old, I absolutely agree you did the right thing. It sounds like you were reasonable in how you presented it to her, as well. It also sounds like you gave the kid (and her) plenty of chances.

In reference to the original article, though, did everybody notice that the columnist still managed at the end of his response to slam people who don't want to put themselves in that situation? The line "God bless the people who take on those challenges, but not everyone is cut out for the tough stuff"-- so if you don't want to parent someone else's autistic child, you're not tough enough. Ugh. What happened to the eyeroll emoji? I really need it here. tongue sticking out smiley
It is what it is. She allowed that child to become the emperor of the household instead of letting the interventions that got the kid to be semi-functional to also teach him that he's not the most important person in the world and how to compromise space and time. The result of spoiling the autistic kid is that her ability to have romantic relationships/companionship is severely stunted. There are very few people out there that will be able to handle such a situation and nobody can get that dickmatized/pussy-charmed to overlook it all. And there's no point in getting into a relationship when you're unable to dedicate any time to your partner lest the autistic child gets upset.

Unfortunately, society has also set it up to where if she decides to put the kid in a residential home for the disabled in order to regain some part of her life back, she'll receive serious censure. Never mind that those who suddenly pop up to give their strong unsolicited opinions weren't around to babysit the kid every now and then so she could have time to herself and to dedicate to a relationship.

------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin

"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.

"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment

"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion

Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan
too old, you never gave the kid a chance? bs on that... what the hell is wrong with parents.
and, although she tends to be a dirty word around here, Dr L pretty much discourages dating anyone with kids: she has always pointed out second marriages have as high or higher divorce rate, and in a 'tie', the parent will always choose (side) with the kid over the new s/o. so, you did well going on your way.
she probably will end up being killed. to me, some of his tendencies sound extremely dangerous.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children
and I defy anyone to prove me wrong:

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my pets.

Mankind and its needs (wants) are like unto a black hole. It devours all available resources and it never is full: it merely grows larger and demands more.

Definition of 'wealthy': Anyone who makes more/has more than you do.

Someone pointed out that I'm a realist. And all along I thought I was just a pessimist crossed with a cynic.

Entitlement, thy name is mooooooooooooooo

"Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove
they are insured... but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.
Add to this that, many of those who refuse or are unable to prove they are
citizens, will receive free insurance paid for by those who are.""

I am confused enough already. I do not need outside help.
Thanks, everyone, for the helpful feedback and support. She was the first woman with a kid I've ever dated. Based on the experience she was probably the last.
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too_old_for_kids
Thanks, everyone, for the helpful feedback and support. She was the first woman with a kid I've ever dated. Based on the experience she was probably the last.



In my life experience I've found that plenty of single parents have little/no interest in dating other single parents. They usually want to date someone without kids.

Deduce from that whatever you will.
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randomcfchick
The guy's general tone is very pragmatic and realistic. I like that he emphasizes that you can decline to date anyone, for any reason. Is it "fair"? Probably not, but that's life. People get to have preferences about their dating/love life. And that can include things like childed status. Once you have kids, you're changing your prospects. The end.


Stu54, is this you doing the advising? sticking out tongue


(sorry, I couldn't resist)

grinning smiley
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Peace

Stu54, is this you doing the advising? sticking out tongue


(sorry, I couldn't resist)

grinning smiley


Well I cannot tell a lie.... smug .... but seriously, no, it's not me. Although the pragmatism and attitude toward relationships are the same, it's definitely not me.


I'll also be honest and give you some reasons of why some women, in the past, have rejected yours truly:

-I did not want to father kids.... ever.
-I did not want to commit to marriage at a younger age.
-I was an "asshole" for not wanting to date single mothers.
-Wasn't amenable to women moving in.
-Didn't "party" enough (ie., drinking)
-Political differences


And guess what? All of these reasons were completely valid. There is no invalid reason for terminating any kind of relationship. Relationships should be on a completely voluntary basis.
Single parents - with or without tard children - are easily the worst kinds of people to date. Like Studio said, they never want to date their own kind. It's because they don't want to be with someone who has baggage from a previous failed relationship and/or who might be losing some of their paycheck to child support. They want whoever they're with to dote on their kids without the other person's pesky biological offspring getting in the way. No matter what you do, you will never be a main priority to a single parent.

The kid will always come first, the kid will matter more than you, the kid's needs and whims will always trump yours. You won't even be on the same level as the kid - you will be below it. You'll be expected to do nothing but give to the breeder and the brat, but you'd better not expect anything in return because then you're being selfish. You try to parent the little mongrel and you'll hear about it from the brat and/or the breeder because "you're not my/his/her real mom/dad!"

Honestly, why would any parent ever want to date someone who doesn't have or want kids? Wouldn't it be smarter to date someone who knows how to deal with children? Why would you want someone who, at best, will be completely clueless as far as how to handle kids and, at worst, will hate the kid just for existing? I love that single parents think they deserve the cream of the dating crop and throw themselves at childless or childfree people while turning their noses up at other single parents like the spoiled cunts they are. If CLers and CFers don't want their own kids, why the fuck would they want someone else's?
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StudioFiftyFour
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too_old_for_kids
Thanks, everyone, for the helpful feedback and support. She was the first woman with a kid I've ever dated. Based on the experience she was probably the last.



In my life experience I've found that plenty of single parents have little/no interest in dating other single parents. They usually want to date someone without kids.

Deduce from that whatever you will.

I deduce that they are hypocrites, my dear Watson. {Sorry, I couldn't resist}. They aren't willing to put up with someone else's kids because it would remind them of their ex, but they expect other people to put up with their kids. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say most of these single moos are not adoptive parents, which makes them doubly hypocritical. Other people's kids aren't good enough to adopt and raise so moos mustn't date other childed digs, but how could single unattached people not love their spawn?

Lock him up or put him down.
Stolen from Shiny.
I completely agree with the sentiments of this thread. Getting involved with single moos and their defecto calves is a recipe for disaster. Like Camb said, even getting involved with single moos and their crotch crabs is automatically putting you at an uneven keel, as you will never be considered above the brat. Then there's those Moos simply wanting a literal slave to them and their spawn - throw in defects and you're in for a world of hurt.

Too old, it was a very wise decision to dump this obvious head-case, as she's grooming another Adam Lanza/Sky Walker. I'm not kidding, an autard who knows that their rule the roost, and has no boundaries is a recipe for disaster, and he hasn't even hit raging hormonal puberty yet. Moo is creating a monster, and it's only a matter of time before it explodes. Trust me, you don't want to be around when that shitshow clusterfuck goes down, and certainly don't want to be within reach of this tard's grip. Even if there's a rare chance that he doesn't go on a murderous spree, he's obviously very damaged goods - and Moo is got some very bizarre practices, that rings the alarm bells. Yep, get well away from that future autard-chernobyl.
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nokidsandhappy
Too old, it was a very wise decision to dump this obvious head-case, as she's grooming another Adam Lanza/Sky Walker. I'm not kidding, an autard who knows that their rule the roost, and has no boundaries is a recipe for disaster, and he hasn't even hit raging hormonal puberty yet. Moo is creating a monster, and it's only a matter of time before it explodes. Trust me, you don't want to be around when that shitshow clusterfuck goes down, and certainly don't want to be within reach of this tard's grip. Even if there's a rare chance that he doesn't go on a murderous spree, he's obviously very damaged goods - and Moo is got some very bizarre practices, that rings the alarm bells. Yep, get well away from that future autard-chernobyl.

I knew I was gonna break it off before our last plans together. She had planned to take me to the movie of my choice. The night before she texted to advise that the tard instead wanted to see a dumb kids' movie (there was supposed to be a babysitter). So I had two choices: I could either join them for his stupid movie, and she'd join me afterward for what I wanted to see, or I could skip the kid's movie and she'd join me when it let out. I was beyond pissed. I had already planned my day to be with her, which included a 60-mile drive one way. I didn't want to drive 60 miles to babysit her kid. That's when I knew I had to get out. Even though she eventually went back to Plan A after her mom agreed to serve as tard-wranger for a couple of hours, the fact that she allowed the kid to change our plans told me everything I needed to know about the life I'd have in the future with them in the picture. Call me selfish, but to hell with that.
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