Parents livid single moo daughter is dating "out of her league"

.....as in the dude is way beneath the moo

http://www.denverpost.com/2017/08/14/ask-amy-woman-rebounds-with-guy-not-in-her-league/

A 31 year old "educated" single moo had a kid with an abuser and she gets rid of the guy. In no time she gets involved with a "laborer" in his fifties and her parents who are paying half her mortage to keep a roof over their heads is livid that their daughter is doing so poorly dating wise. Once a woman is a single moo her "value" goes way down and that older dude is right in there cause she has a house he can move into. Moo wasted no time getting whatever guy would look at her.

Breeders will never grasp what their baggage does to their perceived value in the sexual market place and they will never understand that to other people their little angels are just that: Baggage. They should understand this perfectly, since they hate dating each other, but somehow they all think they are the exception.

Anyone who dates this woman is signing on to be with a woman who can't support herself, to take care of another man's kid and to put up with her scumbag ex who will never really be out of the picture because of said kid. Only a completely desperate loser would jump at that chance. It sounds like she's dating right square in the middle of her league. But, who knows, maybe an unemployed single father with a batshit crazy ex will come along someday. He'll be in her league as well, and perhaps more age-appropriate.

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happyhiker
Breeders will never grasp what their baggage does to their perceived value in the sexual market place and they will never understand that to other people their little angels are just that: Baggage. They should understand this perfectly, since they hate dating each other, but somehow they all think they are the exception.

Anyone who dates this woman is signing on to be with a woman who can't support herself, to take care of another man's kid and to put up with her scumbag ex who will never really be out of the picture because of said kid. Only a completely desperate loser would jump at that chance. It sounds like she's dating right square in the middle of her league. But, who knows, maybe an unemployed single father with a batshit crazy ex will come along someday. He'll be in her league as well, and perhaps more age-appropriate.

Why don't single parents simply date each other? They already have quite a bit in common, anyway.

Of course she's letting him move in with her. Amy is spot in about that one:

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No. Just no. There are many reasons for caution, but the reason that should matter the most to all of you was revealed in an eight-year study published in 2005 by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which concluded: “Young children who reside in households with unrelated adults are at exceptionally high risk for inflicted-injury death. Most perpetrators are male, and most are residents of the decedent child’s household at the time of injury.” The study also noted that children residing with a single parent (and no unrelated adults in the household) are at NO increased risk.

Another study, probably funded by taxpayers, that come to a common sense conclusion.

This woman is making decent money and her parents bought her a house and are helping with the payments, so she doesn't need money. She just got out of an abusive relationship and is letting another man move in with her immediately. She may be educated but she's still an idiot.

Another woman who cares more about dick than her own kid.

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StudioFiftyFour

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happyhiker
Breeders will never grasp what their baggage does to their perceived value in the sexual market place and they will never understand that to other people their little angels are just that: Baggage. They should understand this perfectly, since they hate dating each other, but somehow they all think they are the exception.

Anyone who dates this woman is signing on to be with a woman who can't support herself, to take care of another man's kid and to put up with her scumbag ex who will never really be out of the picture because of said kid. Only a completely desperate loser would jump at that chance. It sounds like she's dating right square in the middle of her league. But, who knows, maybe an unemployed single father with a batshit crazy ex will come along someday. He'll be in her league as well, and perhaps more age-appropriate.

Why don't single parents simply date each other? They already have quite a bit in common, anyway.

Exactly. All in the same league AFAIC. The single parents league.

I imagine single parents don't date each other much because they know that kids are a fuck-ton of work, and taking on more means even MORE work. They don't dare speak it aloud, but they don't want someone else's kids.

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randomcfchick
I imagine single parents don't date each other much because they know that kids are a fuck-ton of work, and taking on more means even MORE work. They don't dare speak it aloud, but they don't want someone else's kids.

And yet, when single childfree people express these same thoughts, they are portrayed as child-hating monsters.

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StudioFiftyFour

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randomcfchick
I imagine single parents don't date each other much because they know that kids are a fuck-ton of work, and taking on more means even MORE work. They don't dare speak it aloud, but they don't want someone else's kids.

And yet, when single childfree people express these same thoughts, they are portrayed as child-hating monsters.

Yup. Either that, or "immature" because they're "not stepping up and being an adult".

The reality is that people get to pick and choose their dates and mates, according to what's desirable, attractive, and workable for them. If it's clear right out the gate that you're not compatible, you don't "owe" this person any dates (and really, who wants to find out that it was just a sympathy date anyway? That's just mean).

I don't like victim blaming for domestic abuse, but it sure is frustrating when you see these women falling for the same shit over and over again. I have a good friend works in a refuge and she sees it so many times, women fall for the same guy in different forms over and over again, because they are vulnerable and those guys pick them off like flies. They can't cope being single moos, they're desperate to recreate a sense of family they may never have had, someone like this daft Moo is easy pickings for a guy like that, because she has a house. He'll be nice as pie until he moves in.

There's one housing project where I live where the moos have to sign no cohabitation clauses, they get affordable housing and loads of support, counselling etc, there's help for the kids as well, but they have to tell their keyworker if they date anyone and want to bring them into the house where the kids live and the project does police checks on them. We have a "right to know" rule here where when you get with someone you can check if they have any DV charges or convictions on their record. If one of the moos is dating a known abuser they get a straight choice - get rid or get out and risk losing your children. Some people hate this project and cry about the moos' rights, but I think it's doing a good job of protecting vulnerable women from themselves, really, especially if they've had multiple abusive partners. It's basically saying you can live here and have this shit low cost or free, we will help you but you have to help yourself. They are really strict, no unrelated overnight guests without permission and nobody with any convictions for any violent offences is allowed even on the property.

It does seem like they are treating the women like kids, but in effect a lot of them do still think like children - they may have been abused themselves and therefore their own emotional development is arrested and they often don't have the discretion or judgement skills to differentiate an asshole from a non-asshole. And it's about keeping the kids safe and giving them a chance to stay with the non-abusing parent. A lot of these girls and women actually need some "parenting" themselves.

So, I'm as CF as they come, and I'm a massive snob. That being said, there is zero indication that that LW is currently an abuse victim, or that there's anything wrong with her new boyfriend apart from his age and job. He's 51....so the fuck What? She's in her 30's, not 19. He's a laborer, again so the fuck what. He works and makes an honest living. When I think of what I pay my plumber and my mechanic, I'm not really worried about the dude's income! Laborers can do very well for themselves. Apparently the woman's education has not put her in a position where she does not need help from her parents....she said she is "educated" but mentions neither a job nor a salary, which makes me think she does not work.

She also said her boyfriend intends to pay rent, so I see no issue here beyond ageism and classism.

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cfinboston

She also said her boyfriend intends to pay rent, so I see no issue here beyond ageism and classism.

For me, the issue isn't about his age or social class. It's exactly as Amy says:

"I don’t know (or care, really) if this man is in your league.

What in this arrangement is good for your son? In his very short life, he has experienced emotional and physical abuse between his parents, and in short order his mother has invited a new man into the home."

He might well be wanting to pay rent, he might be decent, but after what that child has probably been through with DV in the home, he needs stability - and that means NOT having a neverending parade of boyfriends in and out of his life and home. The guy could be decent - and as Amy says, if he is, he will wait a couple more years to ensure the relationship is solid before moving in with Moo and a vulnerable child, especially if they both got together shortly after both of them had gone through break ups. "Rebound relationships" sometimes do work - I actually started dating Mr Yummy not that long after I broke up from my single duh ex, but we waited almost three years before moving in and neither of us have kids (evidently as we're CF lol). This Moo needs to get to the point where she can independently sort her life out without needing financial help from her parents before moving another dude in, and then they won't need to have a say. Of course they don't want some stranger (to them) ending up getting a portion of their investment if they split up.

Moo needs to realise she's responsible for her son's welfare and that comes before her need for a mayun, I'm afraid.

Also, independent adults are free to do whatever they want, and they are free to make poor decisions, but this woman is not an independent adult because she wrote:

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My parents, who were pushed away due to the control issues, jumped in and rescued me and my son. They are co-investors on my new house and wholeheartedly participate in my son’s life.

I have a new guy who surfaced at the time of my separation. He was going through a similar break-up. The new love has blossomed to a point where he is moving in. He is in is 50s, has three adult kids, two grandkids, and works as a laborer.

My parents are livid. They feel that I am making a bad choice. Financially I make much more than he does. It is not an issue with me, because he will pay rent. My parents have met him and feel he is no match for their daughter. They are taking a strong stance against the new guy, perhaps selling my co-investment home and limiting future finances. They see him as a freeloader and want me to find someone in my league

.

She took a significant amount of money from her parents, and is probably living in a better house than she would be able to afford on her own. They supported her through her poor decisions and paid to get her out of a bad situation.

They feel entitled to call the shots in her life because she took money from them. Their reasons may be right or wrong, but if she hadn't taken money from them, she could tell them to piss off.

This is why I don't take money from my mom, so I can tell her to butt out of my life.

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bell_flower

This is why I don't take money from my mom, so I can tell her to butt out of my life.

Good call.

I try to do the same even when it comes to small birthday or holiday gifts. People use that stuff for emotional blackmail. "What do you mean you won't help me move my piano... don't you remember when I sent you that fruit basket for Christmas?!?"

Ugh. I don't ever want to "owe" anyone anything for a "gift" that I didn't ask for in the first place.

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StudioFiftyFour

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bell_flower

This is why I don't take money from my mom, so I can tell her to butt out of my life.

Good call.

I try to do the same even when it comes to small birthday or holiday gifts. People use that stuff for emotional blackmail. "What do you mean you won't help me move my piano... don't you remember when I sent you that fruit basket for Christmas?!?"

Ugh. I don't ever want to "owe" anyone anything for a "gift" that I didn't ask for in the first place.

That is just as wrong as it can be. That isn't a gift. The most I ever ask from a gift is hoping the recipient enjoys it.

And never ask friends to help move if it can be avoided!

It would be different if it were a loan made for a specific purpose, such as paying rent. I can see not being happy if the money was spent on a vacation to Vegas. But a loan isn't a gift.

I have a friend who helps me a lot but I pay him for doing labor on my behalf. The reason is I need this help cuz I've mobility issues.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

Once you have the kid, you are responsible for it until it can take care of itself. That means put the dick down and grow up. I have nothing wrong against laborers, but this sends my alarm bells ringing. She has a nicer home than he has, with a small child that he can abuse if he wants to and she will have no where to go because its her home. If the law where she is is like the one here, the second he pays rent she would have to give him 30 days to leave and even then he could take her to court. This is not good at all.

_______________________________________________________________

"It is better not to look like what you are; it is better to look like a bourgeois woman because then all the doors are open for you and then you can just go and make hell." - Marjane Satrapi

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yummynotmummy
There's one housing project where I live where the moos have to sign no cohabitation clauses, they get affordable housing and loads of support, counselling etc, there's help for the kids as well, but they have to tell their keyworker if they date anyone and want to bring them into the house where the kids live and the project does police checks on them. We have a "right to know" rule here where when you get with someone you can check if they have any DV charges or convictions on their record. If one of the moos is dating a known abuser they get a straight choice - get rid or get out and risk losing your children. Some people hate this project and cry about the moos' rights, but I think it's doing a good job of protecting vulnerable women from themselves, really, especially if they've had multiple abusive partners. It's basically saying you can live here and have this shit low cost or free, we will help you but you have to help yourself. They are really strict, no unrelated overnight guests without permission and nobody with any convictions for any violent offences is allowed even on the property.

It does seem like they are treating the women like kids, but in effect a lot of them do still think like children - they may have been abused themselves and therefore their own emotional development is arrested and they often don't have the discretion or judgement skills to differentiate an asshole from a non-asshole. And it's about keeping the kids safe and giving them a chance to stay with the non-abusing parent. A lot of these girls and women actually need some "parenting" themselves.

Sounds like a great concept. They may be women but they act like children and it is probably cheaper to do this than leave them to their own devices.

If abortion and being childfree were broadly acceptable and all kids were wanted then there would be less of a need for this form of adult babysitting.