The joy of freedom

A man writes an article about turning 40 and being free from most typical obligations: parents, partner, children, and mortgage, but having a rich life with travel and time to spend with friends, including being able to offer true support at difficult times.

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Still, I am far from alone. I have beautiful, close friends. “Lacking” certain relationships allows me to be flexible and available. I can show up for my friends when they need someone – especially when they are getting divorced and need a place to crash, or when they enter hospice. (I’ve gone through hospice with so many people now, the end of life doesn’t frighten me.)

...

This is bizarre considering that, as we hit 40, many of my single friends seem much happier and fulfilled than most of my married friends. Many (not all) of my married friends, gay and straight, seem like they are stuck in a script they had to follow. Many seem to feel regret or wonder about what might have been.

Although it's not for me (I'm happy having parents and a partner, but like the author I'll pass on kids and mortgage), I can appreciate someone doing what he wants and feeling free as a result. And to me it's obvious that he's a giving person who brings a lot of value to his relationships: how many people are willing and capable of being there for their friends in a hospice?

However, turn to the comments section and there are plenty of bingos, all of them so predictable: 'who will take care of you when you're old', 'you are sad and lonely', 'life without children is meaningless', 'you're selfish' and 'if you're so happy why did you write this, you protest too much'. Why indeed, could it be that we need more positive images of people living their lives in ways the mainstream would have you believe results in self-centered misery?

Fortunately there are also plenty of live-and-let-live people, as well as CFers to beat the idiots with a cluestick:

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You're also alone and are missing the joys of family and parenthood.

Firstly, he isn't alone. He has close friends.

Secondly, some of us have seen up-close the, ahem, 'joys' of parenthood and have decided we need all that like a hole in the head. Not everyone wants the same things from life. Is that really so hard to believe?

The "he doth protest too much" commenters are conveniently forgetting that their logic could be applied to parenthood, marriage, and all those other things people like to gush about online.

And the "selfish" bingo makes me laugh. Yeah, seeing people through hospice is really fucking selfish. Sheesh.

If he is happy in his life, taking care of himself, and (from the sound of it) hugely enriching the lives of those he loves...what exactly is the problem? The negative commenters need to get a ladder and get over themselves.

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randomcfchick
The "he doth protest too much" commenters are conveniently forgetting that their logic could be applied to parenthood, marriage, and all those other things people like to gush about online.

And their own damn comments. Is there a parent anywhere, ever, who hasn't insisted "but it's all worth it"?

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kittehpeoples

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randomcfchick
The "he doth protest too much" commenters are conveniently forgetting that their logic could be applied to parenthood, marriage, and all those other things people like to gush about online.

And their own damn comments. Is there a parent anywhere, ever, who hasn't insisted "but it's all worth it"?

Just who exactly are they trying to convince?

I always love the "who will take care of you when you're old?" bingo. One look in any nursing home will tell you that it sure as fuck isn't gonna be your kids. Oh they might put you in a home, but you have to hope they actually pick a decent one. But to be fair, the grown kids of old fucks have their own lives and their own shit to deal with and they probably don't have the time, patience, energy or money to take care of their ailing elderly parents at home, especially if those parents are in bad health rather than just being old and frail. So to answer that classic bingo, it will be nursing home staff that takes care of you when you're old, not your kids.

I think parents figure that they are owed care in their old age. It's an expected trade-off - Moo wiped your ass as a child, so you can wipe her ass when she's an adult child. If you have kids in the hope of making yourself some home-grown caregivers, you're gonna be in for a world of disappointment. Parents who have this kind of an attitude are typically really shitty and will probably drive their kids away, meaning they'll be lucky if they don't break their hip and die alone at the age of 95 in their house because their kids moved overseas and changed their phone numbers.

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Many (not all) of my married friends, gay and straight, seem like they are stuck in a script they had to follow. Many seem to feel regret or wonder about what might have been.

That's probably because they are stuck, but that's their own fucking fault. They probably settled for the first person who was willing to put up with them for longer than 30 seconds, married them and bred with them. They might be comfortable in their relationships at best, but they aren't actually happy. We have it shoved down our throats that it's the worst thing in the world to be alone/single and some people completely lose their fucking minds when they don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. This gets worse as the person gets older, which means their standards for potential partners get lower and lower until they're completely non-existent and they marry a complete piece of shit because they aren't getting any younger.

Nobody knows how to just do their own thing, enjoy their own company or buy a fucking dildo/pocket pussy if they're so lonely. That kind of dependence on constant companionship is unhealthy and it means the person will completely break down when they lose their significant other, either via breakup/divorce or death.

This guy has an obviously fulfilling life (though it sucks he lost his parents so young, assuming they weren't assholes) that he wouldn't ever be able to have if he were weighed down with brats. His life is not "lacking" - it's "free" of many unnecessary, self-inflicted burdens that most people have because they don't fucking think. The comments didn't load for me, but I'm sure they're chock full of bitter mommies who are bitching at him about what he's missing out on, he's going to regret not having kids, he's a selfish awful person, and so on. Sour grapes is all it is. This man has traveled the world, doesn't have the hefty responsibility of home ownership, didn't breed, enjoys a varied and active romantic/sex life and has either gotten his doctorate or is working on it, all by the time he turned 40. Meanwhile, the most exciting thing the average Moo can lay claim to is being a SAHM long after her kids have started school.

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kittehpeoples

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randomcfchick
The "he doth protest too much" commenters are conveniently forgetting that their logic could be applied to parenthood, marriage, and all those other things people like to gush about online.

And their own damn comments. Is there a parent anywhere, ever, who hasn't insisted "but it's all worth it"?

Agreed. They're trying to convince themselves by all using the same refrain.

And even is all worth it...what exactly does that have to do with me? "All worth it" is a totally subjective thing. It would NOT be all worth it for me. That's okay. I'm sure there are things I do/choices I've made that would make childed people raise an eyebrow and wonder why the hell I would bother doing that. To me it's all worth it. And that's okay too.

Thus, "it's all worth it" isn't worth a damn when it comes to someone else's life, values, and decisions.

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randomcfchick

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kittehpeoples

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randomcfchick
The "he doth protest too much" commenters are conveniently forgetting that their logic could be applied to parenthood, marriage, and all those other things people like to gush about online.

And their own damn comments. Is there a parent anywhere, ever, who hasn't insisted "but it's all worth it"?

Agreed. They're trying to convince themselves by all using the same refrain.

And even is all worth it...what exactly does that have to do with me? "All worth it" is a totally subjective thing. It would NOT be all worth it for me. That's okay. I'm sure there are things I do/choices I've made that would make childed people raise an eyebrow and wonder why the hell I would bother doing that. To me it's all worth it. And that's okay too.

Thus, "it's all worth it" isn't worth a damn when it comes to someone else's life, values, and decisions.

Exactly, when was the last time you read about someone taking a wonderful vacation and coming back and saying it is all worth it?
What is all worth it exactly? Think that expression is only used when they are trying to convince themselves: is it all worth it?

I had a great date. It is all worth it.
I just returned from a wonderful weekend getaway to San Francisco. It is all worth it.
It just doesn't go together. I guess one could say the diet was really painful for the first two weeks but I've kept the weight off for 5 years. But at that point it is redundant to state.

Yup. People only say "it's all worth it" when something is insanely troublesome, difficult, inconvenient, shitty and/or painful because that defeated sigh they make while saying it implies that it's been hell in order to get to that point or they're still living in hell as they continue their journey.

People who say that about their kids think it's some kind of verbal saving grace - that they can bitch for an hour about how horrible their lives and their kids are, but as long as they top it all off with "oh, but it's alllll worth it!" that makes it okay. What they don't realize is how much it shows what they really think of their choice. If something is really worth it, people wouldn't loudly proclaim how worth it it is.

If having kids was genuinely worth it, they'd be saying something more like, "I'm having a good time!" or just something that would imply that they're happy with their lives. "Worth it" implies a degree of regret. They just tell themselves it's all worth it so they don't realize that they've thrown their lives right down the shitter all for a screaming bastard who still shits his pants at the age of eleven.

just wonder how many of these 'it's wuuuurth it' downsize to a studio apartment or something like that to preclude the sex trophies trying to return home

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

I do know people who did just that, two cents. Moved to a 1 bedroom, 1 bath with a bonus room...and that bonus room was an office and furnished in a very permanent way...two desks, Dad's bowling gear and golf stuff stored in the bonus room closet. Clearly could not be converted to a guest room of any type. It was part of a condo complex with very strict child rules, too (no noise in hallways, no kids toys left out anywhere outside your four walls, etc). And yep, it was done partly to save on having to clean and maintain a larger space, but also to signal the end of that particular time in their parenting stint. They still were there to offer advice if needed, attend family events, play with grandkids when the time came...but the place definitely sent the signal "only two people live here!". And it worked. Shame they felt they had to do that, but it worked.