Ex-boyfriend contacting me through friend and he's a breeder now!

Ummm....okay. Before I say anything, I just wanted to write that I'm married and NOT planning on leaving my husband, having an affair or anything.

Anyhow, here's what's going on. I finally got cool CF guy and his GF to my house last Saturday. We had a great time, and I even managed to chat most of the evening with her, even though I wasn't sure if she liked me or not.

Just before they left, CF guy tells me that he's been in contact with my ex boyfriend and he...in his words, had a message for me. He told me that he had spoken to my ex of 20 years, and he says "Hi" and wants to send his "Love and support". I also found out that he has a toadler and is on the outs with the baby-mama.

I find it odd that this message from him comes now, because I haven't thought about him much lately. I did check him out on Fakebook one time on Sunday, and he's as good looking as he ever was. I am NOT interested in changing my life or being a moo to someone else's kid. That's for damn sure. He has NEVER sent me a message like this before, even though we've been mutual friends with CF guy.

Maybe I'm making too much out of it, but it kind of freaked me out. Especially the fact that he was my first love, we lived together for nearly ten years, but he was an alcoholic and abusive towards me at the time. I left him when he was out of town. I have no intentions of contacting him at all, but I just found it kind of strange...especially since he has a kid and now he and the moo are splitting up.

WTF does this all mean?

It could mean many things.

He could just be saying hello.

He could be wishing you friendly vibes after all these years.

I think he's using a mutual friend to hopefully get in contact with you. However, you don't have to respond. You can ignore this and pretend nothing ever happened. If he's a gentleman he will see your indifference and leave you alone. If he's after something then there is a good chance you might hear from him through mutual friends or through FB. If your friends give you his greetings again, my advice would be to tell your friends to notify him that you're not interested in any contact, have a wonderful husband and CF life. If he tries to contact you on social media, then you can block him and be rid of him.

I think it means he's looking around.

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he says "Hi" and wants to send his "Love and support.

Translation: I want to see if she contacts me without a lot of effort on my part.

If he really wanted to contact you, he would contact you himself. He's using someone else because baby mama is possibly watching him like a hawk, checking his phone, etc.

"on the outs" could mean anything at all. It could mean they are still living together and he's just looking around. In my dating history i met a few guys who advertised themselves as available when their partners would not have agreed with that definition. Sometimes guys say they are "separated" when they are still living with the woman...they just decided they wanted out but aren't ethical. IOW, dirtbags.

Someone who is truly available is divorced (not just separated) out of a relationship entirely, etc. It sounds like this guy is not available and wouldn't be relationship material due to his entanglements with his baby mama and kid. And if he was abusive, that's all the more reason not to contact him.

While it may be flattering to be contacted by an ex lover, remember the reasons why you left him in the first place. Abusive people rarely change their character.

ETA; What Peace said.

I agree with both of you. I have no interest in him anymore, especially knowing he's a player and a breeder-jerk. He's never been able to have a good relationship with any woman, and I suspect it's because he's continuing on with his ways.

I guess it weirded me out, because when my friend told me this message, he said, "He just wanted me to put that out there." As if I was going to ruin my relationship with my husband and run back to care for him and his sprog.

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As if I was going to ruin my relationship with my husband and run back to care for him and his sprog

A lot of these guys think they are all that and a bag of chips.

My DH has a friend who is a man ho. He's really nice looking, great paying job and seems normal when you talk to him but his relationship history is deplorable. He is not capable of being on his own. He was with wife #2 while still married to wife #1 and he's living with a would-be #3 right now but I just found out that he's still legally married to #2, even though they have been separated for a decade. He say she still loves her--what a trainwreck. GF#3 must have self-respect that's as low as the sidewalk.

He actually let me know one time that he thought he and I should be together, when I was divorced and he was broken up with #2 for a couple of minutes. I turned him down of course (did I mention he was my boss at the time?). I remember thinking, this guy thinks he's some kind of prize. But i did meet my wonderful CF husband through him. I'm amazed they are friends because my DH is not like him AT ALL.

Men can have superficial friendships. They golf and go to sports bars and personal lives are hardly discussed.

Mum,

A few years ago, my first real boyfriend contacted me through FB. We have one mutual friend, and when he saw my comment on a friend's photo, he messaged me privately. Those messages came in when my husband was looking at a link on my timeline with me. We read them together.

Imagine my surprise when he insisted I meet up with him for lunch in the city. When I told him I have no time as I work, he offered to take me cruising with him in his 6 figure sports car on the weekend. Me telling him that I have a husband had no meaning, this guy was determined. He told me to message him when I wanted to go driving with him. He's still waiting for that confirmation message 3 years later.

He was just looking for a cheap, tawdry affair. Maybe he was having marriage trouble. Who knows? He's still married and has 2 kids in college. I've seen some professional youtube videos of him. He's still handsome and very physically fit. He makes a high 6 figure salary. In the city, a man like this could get any woman he wanted. Women would be lining up to fuck him. However, I'm not just any woman. I know what a lying, cheating, POS he is, and I wanted nothing to do with him, whether I was married or single. I put the word out to a few mutual friends what he did, that all his millions could never buy a woman like me, that i'm not some cheating slut like himself. I know it got back to him

Sometimes dirtbags have to be put in their place.

For most of my life, I stayed single and rarely lived with a partner.

When I was younger and more naive, I would be somewhat flattered when ex-boyfriends contacted me.

As I matured and learned more about life, I saw that most of those re-connections were for many various reasons (lonely, wanting an ego boost, an affair, missing aspects of me or our former relationship but not really wanting to make an effort, etc) but none of those reasons were good or healthy for me.

I learned to periodically make myself very difficult to contact and I am happier for that decision.

He has regrets and remembers you fondly because he was happier then and he's not happier now. Boo-hoo for him. I'm all for staying friends with exes if they weren't jerks, but there's no reason at all for someone to come back after 20 years just because they're having a midlife crisis and want an accomplice.

I totally agree with all of the above.

Peace, I know what you mean about dirtbag sluts. I know my friend told him that I was married and had a home. It's odd to me, because he's extremely athletic, movie-star hot, and has an excellent high-paying job as well. I also remember him cheating on me and abusing me when we were living together. It was sheer misery. I'm so glad that I had the guts to leave him when I did, because there was a small part of me that was still in love with him at the time. He could have ANY woman he wants. Why this and why now? Is it because I'm no longer on the market, and he's thinking me in a way that isn't true? Kind of like he thinks I'm going to go running back to him and look after his kid while he goes out and parties? It's kind of the feeling I get.

I'm not going to do or say anything, and hopefully it won't happen again. Maybe he'll get the hint. I am not about to jeopardize my life, my husband's or anyone's, just to have some sort of illicit fling. I'm just not that kind of woman.

My husband and I don't have the perfect relationship, but we've been getting along quite a bit better now. He's a good, hard-working man and I know he loves me. He and I have been going to a couple's group and it's been extremely helpful to us. I love him and would never hurt him in such a way. I know I would hate myself forever.

Bell Flower, Your DH's friend doesn't live in Laguna Beach CA does he? Sounds like the turd that asked my friend to move in w/ him recently. I saw on FB he's still married. She's not on FB and so far I chickened out telling her the bad news.

I find these guys are everywhere, dime-a-dozen, much like common single moos.

In my ex's case, he's always had troubled relationships with women and was never able to settle down. I used to love him very much, but now I no longer do. He missed the boat with me. I am taken by a wonderful man, and he's a single guy with a toadler. So sad for him.

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cassia
As I matured and learned more about life, I saw that most of those re-connections were for many various reasons (lonely, wanting an ego boost, an affair, missing aspects of me or our former relationship but not really wanting to make an effort, etc) but none of those reasons were good or healthy for me.

They always want something, don't they?

For the longest time when an ex contacted me I thought it was a reconnect and mostly just a "hi."
I realize now they always have an ulterior motive and stay under the radar for this reason. Helps avoid the awkward "not interested" speech and the drink we are having is just a drink to me, not a rekindle of the relationship.

Several of them I broke up with because they conveniently changed their mind about having kids. It is ironic that when they choose to reconnect (and boy, having kids and failing in a relationship with the moo seems to fuel this) they find the childfree needle in the haystack. Maybe kids aren't all they're cracked up to be.

I guess I'm in the minority here...I am friends with a couple of my exes, and thus don't always read contact as an attempt at getting into my pants. However, my circumstances with those guys were different (wanted different levels of commitment, or one party was moving and the other opted to stay, etc), and there was no history of abuse. I can understand wanting to permanently steer clear of the guy if he was like that!

freya, your experience with guys magically changing their minds cracked me up, because I've had that happen, too. I really liked this guy and was falling for him, but he made it infinitely clear he was not wanting commitment, etc but at the same time sending some mixed signals. He clearly no commitment, no marriage, and definitely no kids...the only thing we agreed on was no kids. Well, guess who's married, has two toddlers, and lives in a part of the country he swore he'd never inhabit? Yup. Same dude. He, too, did the "Oh, tell her 'hi' and that we should get in touch" message. Yeah...

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randomcfchick
I guess I'm in the minority here...I am friends with a couple of my exes, and thus don't always read contact as an attempt at getting into my pants. However, my circumstances with those guys were different (wanted different levels of commitment, or one party was moving and the other opted to stay, etc), and there was no history of abuse. I can understand wanting to permanently steer clear of the guy if he was like that!

No, I am friends with some exes, and very good friends with one. I feel if a person was worth being with in the first place (and I wasn't horribly mistaken - abusive people obviously constitute horrible mistakes), what was good about them doesn't change just because we aren't compatible.

What is suspicious to me is if they've dropped off the radar for years and years - in short, they are not friends - and then they suddenly try to reconnect. The only reason people do that is nostalgia, and nostalgia tends to crop up when one's current life is shit. From nostalgia it's a short trip to trying to relive better days.

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yurble

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randomcfchick
I guess I'm in the minority here...I am friends with a couple of my exes, and thus don't always read contact as an attempt at getting into my pants. However, my circumstances with those guys were different (wanted different levels of commitment, or one party was moving and the other opted to stay, etc), and there was no history of abuse. I can understand wanting to permanently steer clear of the guy if he was like that!

No, I am friends with some exes, and very good friends with one. I feel if a person was worth being with in the first place (and I wasn't horribly mistaken - abusive people obviously constitute horrible mistakes), what was good about them doesn't change just because we aren't compatible.

What is suspicious to me is if they've dropped off the radar for years and years - in short, they are not friends - and then they suddenly try to reconnect. The only reason people do that is nostalgia, and nostalgia tends to crop up when one's current life is shit. From nostalgia it's a short trip to trying to relive better days.

The exes I'm friends with weren't instant friends as soon as we broke up, though. We did need time to sort out our lives, let any messy feelings burn off, and so on. We dropped low on each others' radars for a while, then gradually started talking more. BUT...the "no marriage, no commitment" guy who popped up did so after like 10 years or something. I don't think he'd be out looking for some strange...probably just wanting to take a vacation in simpler times, though. I think you have a good point.

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randomcfchick
The exes I'm friends with weren't instant friends as soon as we broke up, though. We did need time to sort out our lives, let any messy feelings burn off, and so on. We dropped low on each others' radars for a while, then gradually started talking more. BUT...the "no marriage, no commitment" guy who popped up did so after like 10 years or something. I don't think he'd be out looking for some strange...probably just wanting to take a vacation in simpler times, though. I think you have a good point.

I agree it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time for the pain to subside and the friendship to be re-established. It could be a couple months or a year, possibly even two.

I am just highly skeptical of an ex, who has moved on to have one or more subsequent relationships, trying to get in touch after a good many years, for reasons of friendship.

Question is why do you care? Let the sleeping dogs lay and dont give it a second thought. If your friend brings it ip just smile and nod say "thats nice" and onto the next topic.

Well, ultimately I don't care. I asked myself the very same question you are asking me, and I think it's because I've only been in two serious relationships my entire life. One with my current husband, and the one I had with my ex. After I left my ex, I moved into a one bedroom apartment and lived alone for many years, only dating from time to time, but nothing serious.

I guess it was a bit of a shock for me to hear he even remembers me, because it was over twenty years ago and our lives have changed so much. I haven't heard a thing from him, and all of a sudden, this strange message. I've decided to leave it alone and if my friend brings it up again, I'll just tell him that it's nice that he remembers me, but my life is not like it was.

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randomcfchick
I guess I'm in the minority here...I am friends with a couple of my exes, and thus don't always read contact as an attempt at getting into my pants. However, my circumstances with those guys were different (wanted different levels of commitment, or one party was moving and the other opted to stay, etc), and there was no history of abuse. I can understand wanting to permanently steer clear of the guy if he was like that!

freya, your experience with guys magically changing their minds cracked me up, because I've had that happen, too. I really liked this guy and was falling for him, but he made it infinitely clear he was not wanting commitment, etc but at the same time sending some mixed signals. He clearly no commitment, no marriage, and definitely no kids...the only thing we agreed on was no kids. Well, guess who's married, has two toddlers, and lives in a part of the country he swore he'd never inhabit? Yup. Same dude. He, too, did the "Oh, tell her 'hi' and that we should get in touch" message. Yeah...

Sounds like you have better quality exes than I do randomcfchick.
I would love to have been friends with numerous exes. Since I liked them enough to date then it makes sense to be friends afterwards but it didn't work out that way. The ones who I met up with afterwards always wanted a rekindle.

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yurble

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randomcfchick
I guess I'm in the minority here...I am friends with a couple of my exes, and thus don't always read contact as an attempt at getting into my pants. However, my circumstances with those guys were different (wanted different levels of commitment, or one party was moving and the other opted to stay, etc), and there was no history of abuse. I can understand wanting to permanently steer clear of the guy if he was like that!

No, I am friends with some exes, and very good friends with one. I feel if a person was worth being with in the first place (and I wasn't horribly mistaken - abusive people obviously constitute horrible mistakes), what was good about them doesn't change just because we aren't compatible.

What is suspicious to me is if they've dropped off the radar for years and years - in short, they are not friends - and then they suddenly try to reconnect. The only reason people do that is nostalgia, and nostalgia tends to crop up when one's current life is shit. From nostalgia it's a short trip to trying to relive better days.

That is exactly what I said to the exes yurble (worth dating in the first place doesn't change wanting to be friends because of incompatibilities) but it was one sided. And I would want to be in a quality relationship where there would be no doubt that we would continue to be friends if incompatible.

Great observation about dropping off the radar for years and years and they suddenly reconnecting. There is a note of desperation and their life is probably shit and it is nostalgia based.

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mumofsixbirds
Well, ultimately I don't care. I asked myself the very same question you are asking me, and I think it's because I've only been in two serious relationships my entire life. One with my current husband, and the one I had with my ex. After I left my ex, I moved into a one bedroom apartment and lived alone for many years, only dating from time to time, but nothing serious.

I guess it was a bit of a shock for me to hear he even remembers me, because it was over twenty years ago and our lives have changed so much. I haven't heard a thing from him, and all of a sudden, this strange message. I've decided to leave it alone and if my friend brings it up again, I'll just tell him that it's nice that he remembers me, but my life is not like it was.

Sounds like you were with a narcissist, been there done that, and im so sorry . Emotional abuse is worse than physical imo, id rather be hit. Black eyes heal, emotional trauma sometimes never does.


Stay far away from narcissist!!!! No contact is KEY. no good will come of it trust me on this

Oh, ladybug, I have NO desire or interest in contacting him at all. I might have been stupid enough ten or fifteen years ago to reply, but now that I'm married and able to see him for what he truly was, I am never going to speak to him again. If my friend brings him up again to me, which I imagine he will, I'll just say, "That's nice..." and leave it at that.

Always surprised to see how many of my single/divorced friends are so willing to keep in touch w/ men (or women) who were just AWFUL to them. It's one thing just to part ways because the relationship ran its course for whatever reason, but some of the men did terrible stuff to them, like marrying another woman behind their back when planning on marrying my friends with in weeks! But I have one friend after the other who will always take the call or text from these dolts. It's always the guys trying to come back into touch. My friends eager to take the calls, like there's nothing else to do than talk to jerks on the phone after work. I'd rather watch reruns on TV than talk to someone who used and abused me.

Good for you for not taking the bait. Who needs it in your life when you have your spouse's feelings to consider also.

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cfuter
Always surprised to see how many of my single/divorced friends are so willing to keep in touch w/ men (or women) who were just AWFUL to them. It's one thing just to part ways because the relationship ran its course for whatever reason, but some of the men did terrible stuff to them, like marrying another woman behind their back when planning on marrying my friends with in weeks! But I have one friend after the other who will always take the call or text from these dolts. It's always the guys trying to come back into touch. My friends eager to take the calls, like there's nothing else to do than talk to jerks on the phone after work. I'd rather watch reruns on TV than talk to someone who used and abused me.

Good for you for not taking the bait. Who needs it in your life when you have your spouse's feelings to consider also.

While not as bad as mumofsixbirds situation, a childhood friend ignored me in high school to fit in with the popular crowd, as an adult she wanted to experiment with me (im bi) and i told her no way in hell, go ask one of the "cool" people to do it. The look on her face was priceless! Friends drift apart and find others i get it, if that were the case i wouldnt care, but she shouldve atleast been respectful to me (for example she would only say hi when no one else was looking, andwe went on a class trip to DC and they had no problem letting me wander the city by myself as to not be seen with me, including my so called friend, she couldve atleast let me hang out with them while in the city for respect and safety reasons) thats what i mean by respect, you can drift away from me fine, but be respectful if we happen to be in the same vicinity (school, work etc).


Too cool for me? Fair enough but I dont care to sleep with anyone who thinks theyre better than me.