Friend divorced woman who has kids

A friend of mine divorced a woman who has kids after 14 years of marriage. Apparently she had him convinced before marriage that their marriage would always be most important and once the kids hit 18 they would be out the door. She had split custody and lived in another state but after they had been married (and happy!) for a few years the kids started shuffling from the dad's to her house.
Of course, this didn't happen and forward 12 years to two 20 somethings living with them. Ultimately, she sided with the kids at every turn and neither of them were working full-time and both her and her husband are supporting them. The ex-husband died a few years ago.
I had thought the agreement was the kids were to live with the ex permanently but apparently this was not the case.
I don't think it made him happy when I told him that it was best to assume anyone with kids will always put them first as that is how society operates today. Better to hear it than to live it though a second time.
Haven't read the stories in a long time but there were a bunch of harrowing stories on Reddit from bitter and angry step-parents who hate their situation. And many of them have a point about it being unfair but then again they chose it. And nearly all of the stories are about the childless spouses feeling like second class citizens because they have no authority.
Of course, a man or woman with kids will lie to someone without kids because they only stand to personally benefit from doing so. The bills will be split (if not the childless person paying more) and the childless spouse will get tons of responsibility.
Wondering why on earth people who don't want kids (can't call them childfree and can't call them childless by circumstance) chose to be in situations that are very likely to make them miserable when they could just date around or date others without kids? Is it a clueless/masochistic dilemma?
There wasn't a Reddit when my friend married and I'm not sure at that time it was so common for 20 somethings to live with their parents. None of the ones I knew did.

My friend wasnt married but lived w/ woman w/ adult kids. He too swore to me she wasn't a crazy breeder rabid about her kids becuz they were all adults, and she was "over all that". Fast Forward a bit, she finagled them all into his basement apt, free rent (becuz they never paid even the discounted rate) free utilities, free free free, and the moo wasn't paying rent or groceries either. She lived and died for those kids even tho they shouldve been cut from the apron strings long ago. I said to him after a couple of years, "remember when you told me..." He was like Yeah, I was wrong about that. Theyre not together anymore, but that was becuz of a totally different reason.

Oh and I forgot, even tho they lived in the basement, not paying the rent they promised, they wouldn't acknowledge my friend if he was in the same room, in his OWN house, they wouldn't say Hi to him.

I'll never be dating a breeder in my life. If I did and went thru one second of this, I'd run for zee hillzzzzzzz

That is horrible. People go bankrupt or lose faith in humanity after such experiences!

I saw stepparent shit when I was 9 years old. There was a family that lived next door for about a year that consisted of a dad, 6 year old girl, and dad's second wife. The wife was a nice person who put a lot of time, effort, and care into a kid that was not hers. Neither the kid nor the dad appreciated it. Dad was a drunken bum who was always yelling at everybody. Kid was a stupid snobby brat who talked about how great her real mother was. This was in the 1970s, when women almost always got custody of the kids. If Drunken Bum Dad was the better option imagine how bad Real Mother must have been.

A year or two after they moved away they were in the divorce announcements in the paper. The wife's name was first, so she probably filed the divorce. I guess she finally got tired of being treated like a doormat. Drunken Bum Dad died at the age of 58. I've googled the kid; her life is a mess. Not surprising.

I hope the wife got smart and never married a single duh again.

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freya
Wondering why on earth people who don't want kids (can't call them childfree and can't call them childless by circumstance) chose to be in situations that are very likely to make them miserable when they could just date around or date others without kids? Is it a clueless/masochistic dilemma?

I think after reaching a certain age, people assume it is their only choice, since most of the people in their age range have bred. I'd rather consider a broader age range or be single, but I expect some people feel a sense of desperation.

As for why people who are younger do it, I suppose for the same reasons people have kids in the first place: an unrealistic sense of what it is going to be like. They fall for the ready-made family idea.

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ondinette
I hope the wife got smart and never married a single duh again.

She sounds like a great person. Hope she figured out she deserves better and found a fantastic life for herself.

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yurble

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freya
Wondering why on earth people who don't want kids (can't call them childfree and can't call them childless by circumstance) chose to be in situations that are very likely to make them miserable when they could just date around or date others without kids? Is it a clueless/masochistic dilemma?

I think after reaching a certain age, people assume it is their only choice, since most of the people in their age range have bred. I'd rather consider a broader age range or be single, but I expect some people feel a sense of desperation.

As for why people who are younger do it, I suppose for the same reasons people have kids in the first place: an unrealistic sense of what it is going to be like. They fall for the ready-made family idea.

Maybe this combined with a new significant other and the hormones makes this an irresistible combination for many. I'm with you yurble, stay single or consider a broader age range.

I think it also is becuz most people push negative thoughts about kids outta their minds, becuz it isn't socially acceptable to dislike them or admit that they bother you.

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freya

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yurble

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freya
Wondering why on earth people who don't want kids (can't call them childfree and can't call them childless by circumstance) chose to be in situations that are very likely to make them miserable when they could just date around or date others without kids? Is it a clueless/masochistic dilemma?

I think after reaching a certain age, people assume it is their only choice, since most of the people in their age range have bred. I'd rather consider a broader age range or be single, but I expect some people feel a sense of desperation.

As for why people who are younger do it, I suppose for the same reasons people have kids in the first place: an unrealistic sense of what it is going to be like. They fall for the ready-made family idea.

Maybe this combined with a new significant other and the hormones makes this an irresistible combination for many. I'm with you yurble, stay single or consider a broader age range.

Whenever I was interested in dating, I had to do a tremendous amount of filtering through dads and wanna-bes to get down to about one in a hundred and then further filter to get to correct age range, non-smoking, atheist, etc.
It was a needle in a haystack.

Luckily- I was mostly happy being single and independent.

Over the years, I learned to never ever settle for breeders- it was not worth it.

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cassia
Whenever I was interested in dating, I had to do a tremendous amount of filtering through dads and wanna-bes to get down to about one in a hundred and then further filter to get to correct age range, non-smoking, atheist, etc.
It was a needle in a haystack..

I care about most of the things you mentioned, but I never found it that hard - maybe because nobody here does the "dating" thing. Instead you eventually figure out there is mutual interest between yourself and someone you already know as friends. And since it just kind of happens, without looking for it, you don't really count the number of friends you never consider due to known incompatibilities.

I think the only decent way to take on a stepfamily would be to have a prenup before the marriage and have separate finances throughout the marriage. The childed parent should be solely responsible for paying the children's expenses (activities, clothing, etc) that fall outside family expenses (mortgage, etc) That would actually benefit the unchilded partner who would have a financial partner on the big stuff but no responsibility for kid expenses.

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freedomchick
I think the only decent way to take on a stepfamily would be to have a prenup before the marriage and have separate finances throughout the marriage. The childed parent should be solely responsible for paying the children's expenses (activities, clothing, etc) that fall outside family expenses (mortgage, etc) That would actually benefit the unchilded partner who would have a financial partner on the big stuff but no responsibility for kid expenses.

I think in any situation it is important to split the bills that are variable. And I would recommend that the childed parent pays a much bigger share of the food and for extra bedrooms in their house as the children's expenses. I really don't think there is a fair way to negotiate this though, the unchilded one is likely to lose, big time.

This poor guy (one in the original thread) likely gave up 14 years of retirement for this marriage. That could make or break a retirement!