http://www.truewifeconfession.com and childish men

Have been reading lots of confessions @ truewife and what I see, repeatedly, are women with husbands who very much behave like children: some have issues with lack of hygiene, some don't do anything around the house, some don't interact with the children, some play video games, some aren't capable of putting clothes in the hamper or regular maintenance on a car and a few special ones do these type of things and don't contribute income either. But most of them have jobs and are more than likely 100% capable of contributing around the house. None are disabled and incapable of helping out. These same couples always have kids. I've looked and looked but haven't found any men claiming the same about their wives. A few guilt ridden women have said they feel like their husbands contribute much more than they do.

I understand if you live alone you can probably get away with most of the stuff above under certain circumstances but isn't this childish behavior a red flag? Why do these women live with this and then have kids with childish men? Do they see him acting childish when they are married and magically think he will mature once a baybee appears?

I'm not entirely sure why all items belong on that list. Some just sound like moos being controlling. Like who cares if a guy has a hobby of playing video games? Sure, if he puts his hobbies before chores and necessary expenses, it's a problem, but then it's a problem regardless of what the hobby is. And as for maintenance on the car, it's not as if being a guy comes with an aptitude for cars, yet listing it as a complaint makes it appear like an expectation. If neither of them can do it, they'll just have to take it in to a shop.

As for the rest of the things, it mystifies me that women are even willing to be in relationships based on inequality. Why do they go on to breed and expect the situation to improve? It seems like an immensely stupid decision to me. I will never understand it because I can't even get past the first step, of wanting to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't support equality at home. And poor personal hygiene would just be so repellent to me I doubt I could even kiss someone like that, let alone enter into a relationship and live with him.

They got what they settled for, so why complain now?

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freya
Have been reading lots of confessions @ truewife and what I see, repeatedly, are women with husbands who very much behave like children: some have issues with lack of hygiene, some don't do anything around the house, some don't interact with the children, some play video games, some aren't capable of putting clothes in the hamper or regular maintenance on a car and a few special ones do these type of things and don't contribute income either. But most of them have jobs and are more than likely 100% capable of contributing around the house. None are disabled and incapable of helping out. These same couples always have kids. I've looked and looked but haven't found any men claiming the same about their wives. A few guilt ridden women have said they feel like their husbands contribute much more than they do.

I understand if you live alone you can probably get away with most of the stuff above under certain circumstances but isn't this childish behavior a red flag? Why do these women live with this and then have kids with childish men? Do they see him acting childish when they are married and magically think he will mature once a baybee appears?

It's all sour grapes. No one is being forced to marry these allegedly childish men.

first of all, I think the vast majority of these moo cows are in such a rush to walk down the aisle or, more likely, breed their own clone, they ignore ALL the red flags. if you read the agony aunts, listen to dr laura, dr phil. reddit 'justnomil,fil,family', you can see these rotters a mile off. and still they plow ahead. one of the 'words of wisdom' in the 'justnomil' sub-reddit states 'it's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce a mama's boy'. Good advice.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Women with baby rabies will ignore anything but a willingness to marry and a healthy sperm count and then complain no end when the man they married acts like the man they married. When I hear these kinds of complaints from acquaintances, I always (stupidly) ask if there was a conversation before getting married about division of labor or before children about parenting philosophies. The answer is always an offended “no.”

Before my boyfriend moved in with me I printed out daily, weekly, monthly and seasonal cleaning lists and we negotiated who would do what. Same with the finances. It has worked out great. He does play video games, but I honestly don’t understand that common complaint. I like to sew and I find it much more enjoyable when he is occupied in the other room. Everyone deserves some time to themselves for Chrissakes.

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happy hiker
Everyone deserves some time to themselves for Chrissakes.

I think this is at the heart of some of the resentment. There are so many stories where the husband annoys the wife with his hobby and how it takes time away from family. Instead of negotiating with him so she can get that kind of time for herself, she attempts to just remove that time from him. (this is assuming that his hobby isn't taking up ALL his time that's not spent at work) Work out some equitable solution and leave him with the kids so you can go get some me time, instead of punishing him for having a hobby you yourself don't like/do.

But mostly, it comes down to this: don't marry a manchild.

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happyhiker
Before my boyfriend moved in with me I printed out daily, weekly, monthly and seasonal cleaning lists and we negotiated who would do what. Same with the finances. It has worked out great. He does play video games, but I honestly don’t understand that common complaint. I like to sew and I find it much more enjoyable when he is occupied in the other room. Everyone deserves some time to themselves for Chrissakes.

I like a fair amount of alone time, too, as does my partner. Obviously I want to do some things together (it would be silly to be together if we didn't), but for the most part, as long as he does his share of the chores, he's free to pursue his hobbies without recrimination (as long as it doesn't affect me, for instance by being really expensive), and I expect to do the same. I don't understand why some people feel the need to control every aspect of a partner's life.

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yurble
I'm not entirely sure why all items belong on that list. Some just sound like moos being controlling. Like who cares if a guy has a hobby of playing video games? Sure, if he puts his hobbies before chores and necessary expenses, it's a problem, but then it's a problem regardless of what the hobby is. And as for maintenance on the car, it's not as if being a guy comes with an aptitude for cars, yet listing it as a complaint makes it appear like an expectation. If neither of them can do it, they'll just have to take it in to a shop.

They got what they settled for, so why complain now?

Sorry yurble, paraphrased this a bit too much. It was "only plays video games" and another was "won't take his car in when it is due for maintenance and then throws a fit when the car stops working."

The second one is kind of amusing from a far off 3rd party perspective. Remember as a kid lots of people I knew would have their cars stop working and maybe it was because they didn't bother to do maintenance. Maybe not all of them had lemon cars liked they claimed.

This is exactly why I'm going through a divorce. When my ex and I got married we were adulting nicely, buying a condo, hiking, exploring the world, even having SEX.

Then he started playing some stupid ass game on the internet. He would spend HOURS on this fucking thing. Like, plant his ass on the couch at 8:00 am with his laptop and not get up till midnight or so when he wanted to sleep. After years of this bullshit, they finally shut down the website. I thought I might maybe get a bit of my husband back?

Nope. Now it's the PS4 All. Fucking. Day. At night it's time for internet porn! He watches so much porn he can't maintain an erection for actual sex. He has no interest in sex, anyway - it takes away from his video games.

We've tried pills (they don't really help if he's not interested in the first place), I've begged him to see his dr, a counselor, get on depression meds. He actually got a script for an SSRI (!), But he stopped taking them because he felt better (?!). WTF, I can't force pills down his throat or drag him to a Dr appointment.

He doesn't do anything around the house. This winter i shoveled snow 100% by myself. He would literally get home before me on a snowy day and walk through the snow on the walkway and porch and leave the shoveling for me.

When I was engaged to this guy he went out in a snowstorm to clear me a parking space and stood guard in the cold so no one else took it. I did not start out with a useless internet zombie.

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stillwaters
This is exactly why I'm going through a divorce. When my ex and I got married we were adulting nicely, buying a condo, hiking, exploring the world, even having SEX.

I went through an experience almost identical to your stillwaters. There were drastic and abrupt personality changes with my ex once we married and his priorities changed once we were married. If your husband isn't the person you married and refuses to acknowledge this or work towards the marriage the best thing you can do is divorce. Just one person in a marriage being committed isn't going to make it work, it takes two and lots of effort on both parts.

I think there are both women and men out there who think once they are married everything will be a certain way (perhaps the same dynamic their parents experienced?) regardless of what their relationship prior to marriage was like.
And I'm convinced some people think once they are married they no longer have to make any efforts.

I'm REALLY happy you are childfree and can walk away from this without an 18 or 20 year sentence or a 40K divorce because there are kids.

I think in many cases, these women sluice loaves, and then 'infantalize' their husbands by telling that whatever they're doing is wrong. I wonder if the duhs in some of these cases are tired of always being told that whatever it is they're doing is wrong, she can do it better, or she tells him to not do it anymore, since she does a better job.

The thing about these sites is that there is only one side of the story. We aren't hearing both sides, so we aren't really able to see what's going on in the true sense.

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M06B
I think in many cases, these women sluice loaves, and then 'infantalize' their husbands by telling that whatever they're doing is wrong. I wonder if the duhs in some of these cases are tired of always being told that whatever it is they're doing is wrong, she can do it better, or she tells him to not do it anymore, since she does a better job.

I do think there's some of this going on out there, too. Sometimes the wife assumes the role of household manager once the baby arrives, isn't satisfied with the husband doing things differently (but still effectively) or being less than fascinated with the baby 24/7.

stillwaters and freya, I'm sorry you're having to deal with your respective situations. Some people stop putting in effort when they're married, like it's a bait and switch. Or they get sucked into addictive/compulsive things, and morph into different people. I hope you both find/have the lives you want.

freya, I think there's truth to what you said about unspoken, preconceived notions about marriage. People pick up on relationship patterns VERY early in life on a subconscious level...I myself am trying to unlearn some annoying relationship habits that I'm 100 percent sure I picked up from my own parents. On a large scale my marriage functions very differently from theirs, but I still have some odd, unhelpful relationship habits.

Sending support to stillwaters. You deserve better.

Back to topic, I thought of this thread when I found this article where an Australian moo blogger was bitching about her husband not helping around the house.

And of course she has four kids and is PREGNANT WITH #5.

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randomcfchick

I do think there's some of this going on out there, too. Sometimes the wife assumes the role of household manager once the baby arrives, isn't satisfied with the husband doing things differently (but still effectively) or being less than fascinated with the baby 24/7.

stillwaters and freya, I'm sorry you're having to deal with your respective situations. Some people stop putting in effort when they're married, like it's a bait and switch. Or they get sucked into addictive/compulsive things, and morph into different people. I hope you both find/have the lives you want.

freya, I think there's truth to what you said about unspoken, preconceived notions about marriage. People pick up on relationship patterns VERY early in life on a subconscious level...I myself am trying to unlearn some annoying relationship habits that I'm 100 percent sure I picked up from my own parents. On a large scale my marriage functions very differently from theirs, but I still have some odd, unhelpful relationship habits.

Thanks randomcfchick. For the most part I think I've worked through the situation and am mostly healed. I'm also unlearning relationship habits but guessing that will probably be a lifelong process.

stillwaters I wish you well in your journey and do some nice things for yourself. You deserve it.