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I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?

Posted by freya 
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freya
I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 10, 2018
If I had to guess it is because it is their worst nightmare, a happy person who chose a different path. There is something about aging where you just stop caring what the morons around you have to say, especially about the status of your reproductive organs.

Quote: Since I turned 40 I’ve encountered disbelief that I could possibly be enjoying my own life.
It is amazing how few people can stand to be alone and.... some actually enjoy it! I don't see how it is possible to be happy in a relationship if a person can't be happy alone.

I'm buying her memoir.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/05/style/no-kids-happy.html
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mumofsixbirds
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 10, 2018
It must be a slap in the face for breeders to hear a CF woman in her forties admit she's happy with her life. I'm going to be 50 this year, and I know that if I ever did have kids, my life would have been in the shitter. As it is, I'm working on my own health and happiness at the moment, and even if I had adult brats, I wouldn't have the opportunity to care for these things.

I may have made a lot of crappy choices in my life, but one choice I made early in life, was the BEST choice I've ever made for myself. That was the decision to never have kids. Any time loaves are in the mix, things are so much harder to do and plan for. They are a financial, emotional and marital drain.

I just wanted to add that it's probably quite unusual for moos to hear a CF woman proudly say she's happy with her life and decision, because they are worshiped in Western society so much. Even CF people IRL are hesitant to share the truth about how much better life is without brats. I've even been guilty of not saying anything for fear of some kind of repercussion. As I get older, though, IDGAF about what people think, and I dare anyone to give me shit for it now. I'd have a few choice words for them, and they might want to cover their precious snowflake's ears.
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deegee
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 10, 2018
Maybe it's different for CF men (like me, age 55) versus women. My quick answer to the question, "How were you able to retire at 45?" is this: "No kids, no debts." They can like me, hate me or be jealous of me, IDGAF.
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cfuter
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 10, 2018
Believe me it's definitely different for men, DeeGee. Until I got well into my 40s/now early 50s, this convo came up w/ co-workers I didnt even socialize much with at the time and anytime I met someone new. Like everyday.... LIke they see youre not mentioning brats, so they start to size you up, and even tell you it's not too late!!!!! My stock answer was "just becuz I can do something doesn't mean I should ) I guess women are just baby-making machines!

I did notice the protests about my bodily functions did end once I too retired at 50. They know not to say anything becuz It would look like jealousy. But they know why I could do this. I do tell them to stop paying for their 25 yr olds school and let them do it and retire, but they won't listen. Every money guru tells ya this, but parents think they are being loving or something by putting themselves in forever debt.

But if they see someone doing something different being happy, they cant fathom it becuz they think this endless sacrifice is supposed to equal happiness. They bought the book, and just dont want to put it down and read something else
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mumofsixbirds
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 10, 2018
Cfuter, you hit the nail on the head. They think that endless sacrifice and pain will bring them some sort of happiness in the end. I don't see it ending that way for a lot of parents, even in my own family. Drug abuse, sexual abuse and violence seems to be a common thread with a lot of them, and none of those things bring anyone happiness.

Even outside my own family bubble, I can see the misery painted on the faces of Duhs, as they lug around their multiple, shrieking kids and morbidly obese wife who looks like she has let herself go pretty badly since her first loaf. It's a simple observation, yet so many people believe it will be different for them, or they will find some sort of existential happiness out of the whole thing. Thanks to TV commercials, the media, and Internet, the image of the happy famblee is kept alive, despite obvious signs that it isn't reality for a lot of people.

In the end, what does this all really bring them? Poverty? A broken marriage? Serious mental and physical health problems? How do these things equate happiness? I just don't know.

I have my good days and my not so great days. Today's a bit of a struggle with chronic pain and house chores, but I'm getting through it. If I had to deal with brats, I'd have hung myself a long time ago. I just don't see what others see that's so great about it.
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yurble
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 11, 2018
I think the next time someone asks me if I'm thinking of having children, I'll cite questions like that as bringing attention to the argument against it. Being routinely thought of as 10-15 years younger than I am is a damn good argument against having children. And I don't just mean appearance: during my recent physical, my doctor told me that some of my blood work looked like that of someone 20 years younger.

I just can't imagine why I'm not rushing to sign up for stress, exhaustion, ill-health and looking haggard! It turns out that my happiness is closely linked with the quality of my life, and my quality of life is dramatically enhanced through health, rest, and mental stimulation.
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starlady
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 11, 2018
yurble…….. I hear ya. I turned 65 this year and when I am out with my friend who is 4 years older than me ..she gets asked if I am her daughter. (her daughter is 45) Last time I was at the doc was the same thing... bloodwork was perfect. Love it when I go to a new doc and fill out that sheet where they ask what meds I am on. I check 'no' on all of them an they look at me and ask "are you sure?" LOL Really, I am not on anything.. except a handful of vitamins daily. Yeah, I have a few aches and pains here and there but... I AM 65.


OH... here's a funny one. That same friend of mine asked me once what bladder control product I used. She said that it's just a natural part of a womans life after50. WHAT? Not this woman. Told her that it also depended on kyds popped and hormonal stuff. Plus.. she is very heavy and diabetic. So she just assumed …. that was funny.
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freya
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 11, 2018
Quote
deegee
Maybe it's different for CF men (like me, age 55) versus women. My quick answer to the question, "How were you able to retire at 45?" is this: "No kids, no debts." They can like me, hate me or be jealous of me, IDGAF.

When I do retire I will be exactly like this. Until then I'm hesitant to share how much better life is just like mumofsixbirds.
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freya
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 11, 2018
Quote
cfuter
Believe me it's definitely different for men, DeeGee. Until I got well into my 40s/now early 50s, this convo came up w/ co-workers I didnt even socialize much with at the time and anytime I met someone new. Like everyday.... LIke they see youre not mentioning brats, so they start to size you up, and even tell you it's not too late!!!!! My stock answer was "just becuz I can do something doesn't mean I should ) I guess women are just baby-making machines!

It isn't so bad with me WFH but this is super accurate to my experience cfuter. And managers/directors tend to want to promote those with similar values so I tried to play it off as life circumstances caused me to not have kids and I may as well be happy with it versus my true state of blissfully childfree.
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skyeyes
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
Quote
starlady

OH... here's a funny one. That same friend of mine asked me once what bladder control product I used. She said that it's just a natural part of a womans life after50. WHAT? Not this woman. Told her that it also depended on kyds popped and hormonal stuff. Plus.. she is very heavy and diabetic. So she just assumed …. that was funny.

Actually, she's right and you're wrong. I never had a kid, but am having bladder control issues at age 68. Of course, sluicing out loaves makes the problem infinitely worse, but the main contributing factor is the very poor design of female plumbing. Do all the kegels you want, but at some point your pelvic floor is going to weaken and you'll find yourself leakin'.
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starlady
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
Should have been more specific but I was tired when I wrote about that IC thing. This friend has had BIG problems since she was about 50. So she just assumes that others are in the same boat. Yeah.. I'll have the 'leaks' later on but most of my friends who have sluced are in the big pads already in their 50s and 60s. I know that not having kids has helped me avoid or delay this one issue. My mom never had it and my grandmother didn't till she was in her 80s. I think it's a lot of things but not tearing things up down there helped... and the fact that I would not use a school restroom growing up. Muscles got strong down there. LOL

I too was able to quit work in my 40s. No college funds to worry about. I have been able to travel and do my volunteer work. NO worries with grandkids either. Whenever I ask a friend if they want to go somewhere with me or do something... it's always 'MY GRANDKIDS.....' I learn to do things on my own or with my poodles. I don't give a rats rump what people think of me not having kids. In fact I have had that remark..."If I had it to do over again...." many times. They're jealous... and I don't care.
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freya
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
Quote
starlady
OH... here's a funny one. That same friend of mine asked me once what bladder control product I used. She said that it's just a natural part of a womans life after50. WHAT? Not this woman. Told her that it also depended on kyds popped and hormonal stuff. Plus.. she is very heavy and diabetic. So she just assumed …. that was funny.

Whoa, a natural part of a womans life after 50 is incontinence? That got my attention!

I looked this up on the internet and it said women of all ages can experience this but it sounds like it mostly happens to women who are hard core athletes or moos. It also said 25-50% of women experience this at least once a year.
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cfuter
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
i'm surprised it says hard core athletes. Part of that is being tighter down there, which helps w/ control. I'm heavier now. But it doesnt seem like u need childbirth to ruin that down there. On the radio, they did say it is super common for women as they age, even in thirties w/o child birth.
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mumofsixbirds
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
Quote
freya
Quote
starlady
OH... here's a funny one. That same friend of mine asked me once what bladder control product I used. She said that it's just a natural part of a womans life after50. WHAT? Not this woman. Told her that it also depended on kyds popped and hormonal stuff. Plus.. she is very heavy and diabetic. So she just assumed …. that was funny.

Whoa, a natural part of a womans life after 50 is incontinence? That got my attention!

I looked this up on the internet and it said women of all ages can experience this but it sounds like it mostly happens to women who are hard core athletes or moos. It also said 25-50% of women experience this at least once a year.

I deal with this problem from time to time, and I'm about to turn 50. No kids, and I'm definitely not a hard-core athlete. It's embarrassing, but I will have to address this sooner than later. I think this happens to a lot of women for whatever reason, but I think that hormone changes due to menopause or perimenopause may also be a culprit.
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cfuter
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
I did try the OTC pills for this, they are made w/ pumpkins seeds, I do think they worked.
So try that. I actually dont use them tho. I put the thin pads on just in case, and try not to "hold it" becuz it seems to fill up bladder too much. LOL I know TMI.

It does seem to "want to" happen when I change position(getting up from car). The only time I totally can't control seems to be if I drink much coffee at one setting or much beer at one setting. Otherwise, I just try to hit the head more often and it's not a real problem. I should try the OTC supplement pills again, there's no reason not to. My doctor said there is pills for that, but I guess maybe there's so many complications, that unless it is super bad, it isn't worth the prescription. He didn't give them to me.
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mumofsixbirds
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
Thanks, cfuter, I'll look into those supplements!

I do believe parents KNOW that the CF have a better quality of life overall, which is why there is such a stigma and dislike about us. Calling us "Selfish" and "Superficial" are just another way of saying they're jealous that we DO have a little more freedom and free time to pursue what we want to do.

They just don't want to hear it. They don't want to hear from US that we have those things, because it makes them feel stupid about their choice. They fill their stupid heads up about all the 'wonders of child rearing' and really, it's just drudgery and misery. They were too arrogant to see the signs, thinking that they'd be better than that, but they all fall into the same problems in the end.

I am so glad that I dodged that bullet, and I'm not ashamed of that. Maybe they're also a bit worried that if the CF talk about how much better their lives are without kids, then others will start to listen? Maybe (horror of horrors) even their own kids?

ETA: This reminds me of a little incident with some distant, married into the family, family members, where their kid came outside and told his dad he didn't want kids. He has a gf, but he doesn't want her to sluice. I was sitting there with his dad when he said it. I came right out and said, "I don't have kids, and my life is going pretty well."

I've never been invited back to their house again...
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cfuter
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
Quote
mumofsixbirds


I've never been invited back to their house again...


bouncing smileys
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Cambion
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 12, 2018
Nobody believes that someone could be happy voluntarily not reproducing because it goes against everything we get shoved down our throats all our lives. We're supposed to believe that having kids is the ultimate form of happiness, and the only way it's acceptable to not have kids is if you're infertile. Plus, it's a HUGE slap in the face to breeders who bought into the whole idea hook, line and sinker. They want us to think they're happy so we make the same mistakes in order to validate theirs, which is why they get so hostile when they find out someone is choosing to not breed.

Having brats is what we're "supposed" to do, so someone who goes against the grain and finds happiness without them is accused of many things ranging from selfishness to not knowing what they want out of life.

And yeah, it's definitely more of an issue for women because a woman is practically expected to be entirely defined by her reproductive status while kids are more of a footnote in a man's life. Not that CF guys don't get shit about not breeding, but women get hit harder with it, I think. Then people get pissed when they try to pressure/guilt us into having kids and we don't respond favorably. Why do they bother? Why would they ever want someone who explicitly states they don't want and/or don't like kids to go and have them? Don't they care that the person would probably be a bad parent, or that kids should be born into homes where they are wanted?

I don't know why it's so hard to accept that everything doesn't make everyone happy and children are no exception.
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kittehpeoples
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 13, 2018
I once had a moo (and, incidentally, a moron) tell me that my sister-- whom she had never met-- would be sorry she had her tubes tied in her mid-thirties without having children. Thirty plus years later, and sis is still delighted to be CF. When exactly does all this regret set in? I need to know because I've barreled into year 50 and menopause at roughly the same time, and I'm not sorry yet, either.
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mumofsixbirds
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 13, 2018
Haha, me either. I'm going to be fifty in a few months, and I don't regret it for a second! In fact, I have a few CF friends, and none of them have regretted their decision, either. Ask me about the moos regretting their decision to have kids? They may not all admit to it, but I have had some actually say it to me. Usually people I'm related to. If they don't really say the word 'regret', the context to which they use certain words indicate that they are regretful. There's no way to mistake it.

The only person I know who is regretful about not sluicing is my CL aunt, and she's crazy anyways...
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Tiquer
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 13, 2018
Well, I'm 54 and still delighted with being CF. In fact, many people I know that are mid-50s and dealing with endless bullshit related to both their kids AND grandkids, and that continues to offer validation on a pretty regular basis, too.
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selidororous
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 13, 2018
Isn't it funny how some people "need" approval from others for what they do with their lives in a society like ours in 2018.

Yet the author of that NYT article states "But then there’s the other unexpected gift of this age: just how little concern I have for others’ opinions." which reminds me that approval from others is unnecessary, and if you think about it, someone else's opinion/approval cannot be used as a substitute for toilet paper.

But for the record, and it could very well be a generational thing, my parents never sought approval from others in the way they raised me or my brother. IMHO that is a good thing.
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mumofsixbirds
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 13, 2018
I'm just taking a break from sitting on the patio with my husband, our CF neighbor, and a can of reallly good beer. We're listening to tunes and Conner is outside with us in his travel cage. I've spent the afternoon fixing a simple, nutritious and tasty dinner, and not a peep about loaves or grandloaves has been made - since we don't have any. Life is sweet right now. The weather is warm and breezy, and I'm feeling pretty buzzed.
I spent the morning doing my housework, and after dinner was made, I sat outside with a cup of coffee, a cigar, and a good book.

Homemade biscuits, Southern style whipped honey butter, big salad with homemade vinaigrette, and I couldn't be happier. Life is simple. It's fucking awesome! When I've had enough, I'll climb into my white imported California leather queen bed, and sleep it all off. Tomorrow is another day, and I plan on doing it all over again.

No approval needed.

Have a happy CF weekend everyone! grinning smiley
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yurble
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 14, 2018
I'm in my mid-40s and while my life has good and bad times, I cannot believe that it would be anything other than diminished if I had chosen to reproduce. I'm nearly done training for a second career, I've lived in a handful of countries, and I have enough free time to choose a healthy lifestyle (gym, cooking healthy meals, getting sufficient sleep). I'm also quite content to not interact with people in person for days on end; loneliness just isn't something I experience very often.
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freya
Re: I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?
July 15, 2018
Quote
mumofsixbirds
I'm just taking a break from sitting on the patio with my husband, our CF neighbor, and a can of reallly good beer. We're listening to tunes and Conner is outside with us in his travel cage. I've spent the afternoon fixing a simple, nutritious and tasty dinner, and not a peep about loaves or grandloaves has been made - since we don't have any. Life is sweet right now. The weather is warm and breezy, and I'm feeling pretty buzzed.
I spent the morning doing my housework, and after dinner was made, I sat outside with a cup of coffee, a cigar, and a good book.

Homemade biscuits, Southern style whipped honey butter, big salad with homemade vinaigrette, and I couldn't be happier. Life is simple. It's fucking awesome! When I've had enough, I'll climb into my white imported California leather queen bed, and sleep it all off. Tomorrow is another day, and I plan on doing it all over again.

No approval needed.

Have a happy CF weekend everyone! grinning smiley

This sounds like a terrific evening. Hope you had a great weekend mumofsixbirds! It is so nice to spend an entire weekend not hearing or seeing any kids.
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