Waah! My adult kids are all moving away! They're so ungrateful!

Okay, as soon as I saw this one I knew I had to post it here.

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/just-jane/728835/empty-nest-syndrome-deserted-by-children

Quote

"DEAR JANE: I had four children for a reason - so I'd always have a big family around me in my old age. But all four of them have now announced that they are moving miles away. The twins (23) are relocating to Dubai for work. My daughter (20) is going to London to be a nanny and my youngest son (19) is off to Scotland to be with his girlfriend.

I’m absolutely devastated, plus angry and bitter too. What a bunch of ungrateful lumps. I’ve worked so hard for all of them and this is how they repay me. From November 5 I’m going to be rattling around in a four-bedroom house all on my own. None of them are coming home for Christmas – and the twins say they do not even know when they will be in the UK again.

All around me my friends and neighbours are helping out with grandchildren and organising their children’s upcoming marriages and I feel like such a loser. I’m single and lonely and before me is a lifetime of disappointment and solitude. I don’t want to be that tragic woman who sits waiting for her kids to call home.

What really gets me is that everything has been done behind my back. My twins applied for their promotions in secret and only told me about their new careers once the contracts were signed, sealed and delivered. Same with the youngest two – I was only let in on their big plans once they were firmly in place.

I can see my closest friends looking on me with pity. The smug so-and-so’s are privately saying: “My kids would never do anything like that to me. What kind of mother must she be?” I can honestly say that I always put them first and my own interests second – and this is how I’m repaid. Is there any point in me carrying on?

JANE SAYS: Things may seem bleak, but you have to believe that your life will pick up again soon.

Try to think of your children’s departure as a job well done as, clearly, you’ve raised four confident, young adults who now feel ready to burst upon the world at large and make their mark. You love them so you must set them free. Of course your life is worth living because a new chapter is upon you. If rattling around in a big house (that needs cleaning and maintaining) starts to bring you down, then arrange to move.

Be proactive, set yourself targets and be ambitious. Basically, you can do anything and be anything you want to be. No-one wants to sit by the phone waiting for a call that never comes, so leave it them to track YOU down. Of course you feel demoralised and lost, but you cannot feel bitter or angry because life is too short for that kind of negativity.

You say you’re lonely, so is looking for love now a priority? Stop looking over your shoulder at friends and neighbours and be grateful there is nothing to hold you back. You’ve got your life all to yourself. Surely that’s got to be a good thing going forward? Remember The Samaritans (116 123) if you ever get desperate.

Of course the advice columnist doesn't mention anything about how having children is no guarantee of anything or that kids should not be born with a job, but this columnist usually gets questions about sex, relationships and dealing with grabby family members so this isn't their usual territory.

Then there's the parts I've highlighted in bold. She had kids for the sole purpose of them looking after her, is it any wonder that they didn't tell her about their plans until it was too late to back out? You can bet this moo would've cried abandonment and tried to manipulate them into staying.

It speaks volumes about how far away the adult kids are all moving too - moo doesn't mention where she lives, but I'm guessing she's somewhere in the midlands because she talks about London and Scotland like they're a couple hundred miles away; at least 2 or 3 hours by train or car.

Honestly, sometimes I wish we'd moved further away from OH's mum, because she's constantly leaning on us to look after their dogs when they go away or decide last-minute to go out straight after work, or come round to wait in for their parcels (They're both 9-5ers, while I'm a student and OH's job has varied hours) but in the next breath is making condescending comments about our life and home because it's not how she pictured her son's life being.

There are people with 30 year old kids who won't leave and won't get jobs. Moos are never satisfied.

She also sounds like a dependent, Grade A clinger. Her kids are in their 20's and having fabulous adventures and she's a bitter hag who wants them to wait on her hand and foot. No wonder some of them are leaving the country.

The columnist doesn't mention that there was probably a damn good reason none of the kids mentioned the moves until it was a done deal. I'm sure she made no secret of her expectations.

Someone doesn't seem to have gotten the memo that just because you bred them doesn't make them your property. She is a loser, who hangs around with a bunch of other losers, from the sounds of it (if they're actually thinking what she thinks they are thinking, because she might be projecting).

the way this cow is reacting I think I can see why the kids scattered FAR and wide and in secret (couple of them anyway). She sounds like a control-cunt. Notice how the bitching revolves that SHE can't be bizzy interfering moo in her grandkids lives... organizing this, organizing that. CONTROL PEOPLE!! this is what she is REALLY arsed about. The kids would do well to stay away from her. She's as reddit calls is a 'jnmil' (just no mother in law) but that sub is on a 24 lockdown due to some to do involving the daily mail (I think that is how they phrased it).

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Lumps? She called her children lumps? We can't call fetuses clumps, but she can call her grown children lumps and thinks it's okay? Yeah, we can all understand why they moved away. What a bitch.

About 10 years ago there was an aggressive 5 year push for me to quit work, leave my profession, take out a bunch of loans, go to school to become a nurse and move to live nearby the narc. You can probably guess the motivation is the narc wanted free in-home care, free house/yard maintenance, free errand running and free house cleaning despite the fact that she is in perfect health. She doesn't want to do anything for herself any more just because.

When the subject of moving to be "near family" is approached I now find abrupt excuses to end phone calls.

First of all, why is she acting like her kids need her permission to do shit? She should be fucking thrilled that her kids aren't lazy pieces of shit who are too special to work or too fucking broke to leave. How are all her children becoming independent adults at relatively early ages (by average modern standards) a bad thing? I don't know if this was so much a matter of her being an exceptional parent as it is her being a right cunt and her kids being able to afford to move as far away from her as possible. Or maybe she gave up the life her kids are having now to have kids and expects them to do the same rather than run off and have fun.

Kids don't owe their parents any damn thing. Having kids is a voluntary choice and the products of that choice don't owe you shit for doing the job you're supposed to do in the first place. If every single one of her children is going out of their way to put several hours' worth of distance between themselves and their Moo, then I think she needs to look at the common denominator in the equation: herself. If the way she's behaving in this letter is any indication of how she normally acts, I fully understand why her kids flew the coop.

Quote
Moo
My twins applied for their promotions in secret and only told me about their new careers once the contracts were signed, sealed and delivered.

Probably so Moo wouldn't try to sabotage their jobs in order to keep them around. I'd be lying if I said my own narcissistic mother's antics didn't fuck up a job opportunity for me before.

Quote
Moo
I can honestly say that I always put them first and my own interests second – and this is how I’m repaid. Is there any point in me carrying on?

She probably also obsessed over every single aspect of their lives, controlled them, never let them have real childhoods and punished them because she felt like it. This is what a narcissistic parent considers "putting my kids first." Doesn't mean it's not still mental abuse. When all of your kids practically emigrate, I think it's because they want to be sure Mommy doesn't come sniffing around.

Also, how exactly are her kids being ungrateful by starting their lives? If Moo wants kids who are homebodies, I'm sure there are PLENTY of parents of basement dwellers who would be glad to surrender their unemployed darlings to a lonely Moo who needs someone to need her.

The columnist took the kinder angle: you raised kids who're ready to leave, that's a good thing. I can't disagree with this...the goal of parenting is independence. Plus in this day and age it's much harder for young adults to launch due to increased cost of living, college tuition, etc.

Then there's the other angle: her rage-filled response to their entirely normal decisions is indicative of some pretty hefty psychological issues. Those types of issues don't just develop overnight in a vacuum, so all four kids were dealing with their mom's mental illness their entire lives, and couldn't wait to gtfo. They kept it secret because they'd learned--either firsthand or from watching what happened to their siblings--what happens when you do something outside of Mummy's plan for you. They probably had plenty of practice avoiding/dealing with her manipulations, guilt trips, etc so by the time they left they were likely accustomed to covering for each other.

I'm sure they arranged to depart in as tight a time window as possible so that Mummy wouldn't have time to come down hard on whoever was left. Final arrangements amongst the sibs probably went something like this:

23 y.o. twins: "...so our flight leaves on this date. Contracts are signed. How about you guys? You good?"
20 y.o. daughter: "Yeah, I have that nanny job coming up in London. It doesn't start until a week after your jobs, but I can stay with a friend for a week until then."
19 y.o. : "Aw c'mon guys, don't leave me here! I haven't found a job yet!"
20 y.o. : "What about your gf? Can you stay with her until then?"
19 y.o. : "She's all the way in Scotland, I can't swing that!"
23 y.o. : "We got an advance to cover moving, I can cover your train fare".
19 y.o. : "Oh thank GOD. I'll go pack."

Let's just hope this cow doesn't become a foster parent

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Quote
twocents
Let's just hope this cow doesn't become a foster parent

Pretty sure foster parents have to go through counselling or some kind of psychological examination and background check; at least, I hope so - ain't no way a kid would get placed with this lunatic. Any kid that wasn't already messed up would be royally screwed from living with this bint.

Quote
lurker-derp

Quote
twocents
Let's just hope this cow doesn't become a foster parent

Pretty sure foster parents have to go through counselling or some kind of psychological examination and background check; at least, I hope so - ain't no way a kid would get placed with this lunatic. Any kid that wasn't already messed up would be royally screwed from living with this bint.

Besides, she's clearly the type who can only love her own DNA, otherwise she could have adopted an even bigger family, and would have mentioned an active social life.

Those kids had a narrow escape. They should change their names and move again before Moo tracks them down to visit.

Quote
lurker-derp

Quote
twocents
Let's just hope this cow doesn't become a foster parent

Pretty sure foster parents have to go through counselling or some kind of psychological examination and background check; at least, I hope so - ain't no way a kid would get placed with this lunatic. Any kid that wasn't already messed up would be royally screwed from living with this bint.

some of the stories foster kids come out with... I'm not sure they do much of anything by way of screening. and if you're dealing with narcs, they sure as hell can hid it.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.