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Why don't "advice columnists" ever suggest the obvious?

Posted by bell_flower 
Why don't "advice columnists" ever suggest the obvious?
October 01, 2018
A woman writes that she's terrified of having kids, but gets a super long-winded you'll-love-it-when-it-gets-here:

https://www.thecut.com/2017/07/ask-polly-im-terrified-of-having-kids.html

Another woman wonders why TTC woman are crazed idiots and gets a similar white-washing job about how we all need to have "compassion" for them.

https://www.thecut.com/2016/09/ask-polly-why-do-women-obsess-about-babies-and-fertility.html

As a side note, I know all these depictions of having kids are supposed to be that in "ha ha so funny" tone but it fails miserably and just looks like a miserable, avoidable condition.
Re: Why don't "advice columnists" ever suggest the obvious?
October 01, 2018
If someone says they are not enamored by kids and they are terrrified of various aspects of birthing or parenting, people will grab any straw to rope them in.
Re: Why don't "advice columnists" ever suggest the obvious?
October 01, 2018
Having kids is a cultural sacred cow who's killing is a painfully slow business. Still, that cow is dying. We just don't see it in any obvious way as yet.

Note that families are getting smaller, and family planning is as taken for granted as drinking water. America's average family size is 2.1 brats per woman. In the past, it wasn't uncommon for women to shit forth 6. The Child-Free are a thing. Being a woman and single at any point in your life except in old age was considered strange at one point, even scandalous. No, it is not moving fast enough, but evolution is rarely 'fast enough'.

Evolution is on the side of the Child-Free.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!
Re: Why don't "advice columnists" ever suggest the obvious?
October 02, 2018
I'm not a professional advice columnist, but there are so many OTHER things to tell this woman other than "oooooh BLINKY EYES YOU WILL LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVE IT!"

1. Take a look at your husband. How do you deal with each other when you are both under stress? Because having a baby will stress your marriage. Maybe do a couple's retreat to make sure your marriage is in good shape. Spend some quality time with each other.
2. Have a frank talk about childcare. How will it be shared. What about housework? What's the situation now? Many couples report an egalitarian marriage UNTIL the children come. Nail that shit down now.
3. Make sure it is something you really want to do and not the default choice.
4. Preparation is the antidote to anxiety. Talk about it with your doctor. Inquire about genetic testing, if that's important to you.
5, How are the finances? Check into the cost of daycare in the area. She may be surprised.
6. You are only 30 and you just bought a house. Why not give yourself permission to have another year unencumbered, then think about it again?
7. Are there any things you really want to do prior to having kids?

8. Borrow kids, more than one time. Does your husband throw the cunt work on you? Does he participate and seem to genuinely enjoy it? How about you and are you relieved when you hand the loaf back? (As an aside, she says their combined families have over 35 NIECES AND NEPHEWS. I thought my DH's family was bad with their 15+, but they both sound like they came from mindless Uber-Breeding, Pod People.)
9. Speaking of in-laws, will they be intrusive? What are the expectations regarding fambilee events and holidays? Will you be expected to drag the loaf to family events so it can "GET TO KNOW THE FAMBILEE" What is the frequency of these holidays and if one person has a problem with it, will this be a problem?
10. How important is sex to one or both of you. Does your husband realize there can be a couple of months when vaginal sex will be off limits? is he going to act like a little child if you cannot sexually satisfy him due to being out of commission from child birf? (sic)

I know plenty of people whose marriages were percolating along, but any one of these problems amped up the stress level and caused major resentment and problems.

There you have it....I'm not even a Breeder and I've given this woman some practical advice, more practical than OOOOOOH BLINKY BAYBEE EYES! GET YOUR COW ON BECAUSE IT ROCKS! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Re: Why don't "advice columnists" ever suggest the obvious?
October 02, 2018
Quote
craftyzits

Evolution is on the side of the Child-Free.

I'd like to agree, but the population is still surging.

Yes, I realize it's slowing in developing countries, but the undeveloped ones sure are making up for it. And even here in the developed ones, sure there are more childfree people on a mass scale than ever before,

BUT....type 'Large Families" in a FB search, and see how many mombies are pooping out 4,6, 8. 10 and laughing about all the free money they get at everyone elses expense.

Any evolution gained by us, here, is more than offset by Mormons and other pro natal religions (i.e. most all of them) racing to outbreed each other, consequences be damned.
Re: Why don't "advice columnists" ever suggest the obvious?
October 03, 2018
I don't know why these people can't see the problem when it's right in front of their eyes. Having children is not a requirement, and if you're scared to do it, then don't fucking do it! It's not like life-saving surgery where you're scared, but you need to do it or you'll die, so you try to get over it and hope things work out okay.

Quote

The point is, you might be surprised at how relaxing and fun it is to have a baby. Personally, I loved it. I had an excuse to just exist for the first time in my life. I was not depressed at all. I was happy.

Yeah okay, there's nothing relaxing about having a loaf, even a wanted one. And secondly, it's pretty sad when a baby is your reason for having an "excuse" to exist. So, you don't have an excuse to exist unless you reproduce? I think that's another way of saying, "You're not a real woman until you've had kids."

Then there's one big question that nobody seems to have an answer to: what happens if you have kids and wind up not loving them after all? We're all familiar with the "you'll love it once it gets here" or "it's different when it's your own" bullshit, but what happens when you don't love it and it's not different? You're pretty much not "allowed" to give your kid away after it's more than 15 seconds old, and if you abandon the kid, you'll be considered a deadbeat and you'll owe child support. Obviously filicide is frowned upon as well as a disposal method, and while safe havens do exist, it seems like some of them proceed to go on a witch hunt for the mother while saying, "Ohhhh we just want to make sure she has proper medical care!" when they really want to charge her with abandonment. I'm sure none of the pro-baby cheerleaders are going to step up to raise the unwanted kids either, so the only option is to raise kids you don't want for two decades.

And dear lord, I'm fucking glad I don't have to sit around obsessing over fertility because it sounds exhausting charting mucous and recording temperatures and only fucking during certain windows when you're most likely to conceive. I'm worn out just trying to find a wrinkle cream that works. I can only imagine the kind of strain that alone will put on a relationship along with fertility treatments and obsessing over doing everything "right" to avoid miscarrying because pregnant women all think they're fragile little china dolls and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars they probably don't have on IVF, then blaming their partner if they do lose the clump. So if a pregnancy is carried to term or almost to term and results in a viable child, nerves are already pretty frayed from all the other shit I just described, meaning if the tiniest little thing goes wrong, it's going to cause serious waves between the two halves of the couple.

But of course, NOBODY ever suggests just not having kids. These advice columnists all seem to think having kids is just as much a part of adulthood as getting older and it's unavoidable. Or maybe they don't want to risk losing readership or bombardment with angry letters from breeder readers for daring to suggest that having kids is a choice because that might also imply that having them might be a bad choice.

The bottom line is it's not different when it's your own. You might think it is at first because you're still high on oxytocin after sluicing and you melt when you see the live creature you just made, but once that wears off, you'll realize the only way it's different when it's your own is that you're stuck with it 24/7.
Re: Why don't "advice columnists" ever suggest the obvious?
October 03, 2018
From every single moo I've ever known in my life - I've never heard a single one of them say that having a loaf is 'relaxing'. What udder BS!
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