Breeders Keep Advice Columnists in Business February 09, 2019 | Registered: 19 years ago Posts: 9,199 |
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Geezer Breeder in a pickle
Q. I dread having another child: When my wife Beth and I became serious, we agreed we’d have three kids. I’d always been ambivalent about fatherhood, but falling in love with Beth, who’s a decade younger than me, made me want a family. I’m now in my late forties. We have two incredible children. And I’ve realized that two kids are my limit. I’m the youngest of six kids, and my parents were burnt out by the time I was born. They resented me, and I was largely raised by my big sister. Having a third child would exhaust me. Beth would have loved having five or six kids, and I dread disappointing her by changing the plan we made. We’ve seen two couples implode when one wanted more children than the other did. I’ve been putting this conversation off, but Beth has been hinting she’d like to try for a third child soon. What do I tell her, and how should I comfort her?
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Slate columnist's advice
A: Tell her today, please. If she’s already dropping hints about a third child, there’s no way you’re going to avoid having a serious conversation; I don’t think she’s likely to forget that she wants to have another kid with you. Don’t worry too much about comforting her just yet. She’s likely to have a number of reactions—maybe anger, maybe grief, maybe both—and you can’t rush her through them. Stick to what you’ve noticed about yourself, about your own capacity to be a present parent, what you’re afraid of (becoming stretched too thin that you end up resenting your kids) and what you hope for (to be a relatively relaxed, emotionally available parent to two children), and that you didn’t know you’d feel this way until you’d already had two kids. Then give her space to have whatever reaction she has. Don’t try to make the very first conversation you two have about this subject end on a harmonious note or make sure she’s totally comforted by this change in plans; give her time to ask questions and discuss this with you. But tell her now, because honest conflict will feel so much better than hiddenness and anxiety.
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Our next contestant is obviously bad at math and doesn't realize 73% of second marriages end in divorce when both people bring kids to the marriage
Q. Stepdaughter resents her dad’s absence: My husband Clark and I live halfway across the country from his teenage daughter Tina. We see Tina as often as possible: holidays, summers, and Clark flies to visit her as much as we can afford that. I still know it’s not enough for Tina or Clark. I would gladly move to where Tina lives with her mom, but I share custody of two young daughters with my ex-husband. (Clark met me when he traveled to our city on business; we were both divorced.) Recently Tina has been standing Clark up for Skype dates, and when she came out for Christmas, she implied that she wouldn’t come stay with us this summer. She’s angry that her dad moved away, and she has every right to be. Clark is distraught, and we’ve been arguing lately, even though we both want him to see Tina more. How can we let Tina know she’s loved and as much a part of our family as my daughters? She has her own room here, she’s included in every family event big and small, we try to Skype several times a week—but nothing will make up for her dad’s absence.
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Slate columnist's advice
A: I think you’ve answered your own question. Your husband chose to move halfway across the country from his daughter. He may have had good reasons for doing so, he may have felt anguished at the decision, he may miss her very much and want to see her as often as he can, but that’s still the choice he made and it still hurt her. You can encourage him to continue to offer her as much love, support, and emotional availability as possible, even when she’s angry or tries to pull away. She’s a teenager and that would be normal even if he hadn’t moved away to build another family with you. But you can’t fix your husband’s relationship with his daughter for him. I don’t know if part of you feels guilty over the fact that he met you while traveling and now lives with you and your children and not his daughter, but that may be part of what’s driving your desire to “fix” the situation. But there’s a limit to how much you can do. What’s broken in Clark’s relationship with Tina is the fact that he moved away from her and now helps to parent your children instead of her. She has a right to be hurt and angry, and Clark will have to deal with the consequences of his choice with grace, understanding, and patience.
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Article
A Boston University psychologist researcher reported that of the career women who earned over $100.000 and had married men with children over 75% said that, "if they had do it again they would NOT marry a man with children."
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Re: Breeders Keep Advice Columnists in Business February 11, 2019 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 344 |
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Cambion
I know I'd feel like right shit if my father left to be a father to someone else's kids when I still needed him to be a father to me
Re: Breeders Keep Advice Columnists in Business February 12, 2019 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,735 |
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freya
The statistics on the blended family nonsense sure take the fun out of all those romantic comedies and Hallmark moments so many fools would have a person believe are reality.
And 75% of women who are self-supporting (and may be well off depending on where they live) wouldn't marry a man with kids in hindsight:Quote
Article
A Boston University psychologist researcher reported that of the career women who earned over $100.000 and had married men with children over 75% said that, "if they had do it again they would NOT marry a man with children."
Re: Breeders Keep Advice Columnists in Business February 12, 2019 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 3,712 |
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lurker-derp
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Cambion
I know I'd feel like right shit if my father left to be a father to someone else's kids when I still needed him to be a father to me
This happened to me as a young teen, only duh didn't move away, he just started ignoring me as if he had moved. He spent all his time and money on his girlfriend's younger kids, then would come home and bitch about how he was broke and had no time to himself. He was still dropping me off at school (at 7.30 in the morning so he could help girlfriend with her kids) and picking me up (about an hour late - can you say 'abandonment issues'?) but when he got tired of caring I had to drop out of high school two years early; there was no free bus because I lived outside the catchment area, it was 5 miles away and I couldn't even walk it because part of the journey was on a highway.
I have a lot of anger problems and recurring nightmares about how I was never good enough for that asshole, but I still tried to be a good daughter. It all came to a head though when I bought him a voucher for £200 of helicopter flying lessons for his 50th birthday... that he didn't even use - the company emailed me to say that it had expired - and two days later he emailed me to complain about my older brother and how he couldn't wait to be left alone. I wrote him the most politely worded "fuck you" in response, that he was not to think for one moment that he was a good father to us after mum left, that he deserved to be alone and that I was disowning him as my dad. Then I changed my email address and phone number (by this point I'd moved away to be with my boyfriend-now-husband) and haven't spoken to him in nearly ten years.
Re: Breeders Keep Advice Columnists in Business February 16, 2019 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 344 |
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freya
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lurker-derp
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Cambion
I know I'd feel like right shit if my father left to be a father to someone else's kids when I still needed him to be a father to me
This happened to me as a young teen, only duh didn't move away, he just started ignoring me as if he had moved. He spent all his time and money on his girlfriend's younger kids, then would come home and bitch about how he was broke and had no time to himself. He was still dropping me off at school (at 7.30 in the morning so he could help girlfriend with her kids) and picking me up (about an hour late - can you say 'abandonment issues'?) but when he got tired of caring I had to drop out of high school two years early; there was no free bus because I lived outside the catchment area, it was 5 miles away and I couldn't even walk it because part of the journey was on a highway.
I have a lot of anger problems and recurring nightmares about how I was never good enough for that asshole, but I still tried to be a good daughter. It all came to a head though when I bought him a voucher for £200 of helicopter flying lessons for his 50th birthday... that he didn't even use - the company emailed me to say that it had expired - and two days later he emailed me to complain about my older brother and how he couldn't wait to be left alone. I wrote him the most politely worded "fuck you" in response, that he was not to think for one moment that he was a good father to us after mum left, that he deserved to be alone and that I was disowning him as my dad. Then I changed my email address and phone number (by this point I'd moved away to be with my boyfriend-now-husband) and haven't spoken to him in nearly ten years.
This is awful. Your dad did this for a girlfriend. They aren't even his step-kids. How can he have not had the backbone to tell his girlfriend what his priorities are? Unless she was a jerk she wouldn't have argued that her family would come before his family. He neglected you for a girlfriend. OMFG, he could have postponed dating for a few year and both your brother and you had moved out.
You aren't the problem lurker-derp. He is. Glad he is out of your life.
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Re: Breeders Keep Advice Columnists in Business February 17, 2019 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 3,712 |
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mumofsixbirds
Oh man, I am so sorry to hear that he was such a bastard to you. Sounds like he has some narcissistic leanings. When I was in grade 3, my mother cut all my hair off into a horrible bowl cut. I wore glasses and second-hand and homemade clothes, so you can just imagine how I was treated by other kids at school.
Re: Breeders Keep Advice Columnists in Business February 17, 2019 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 344 |
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freya
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mumofsixbirds
Oh man, I am so sorry to hear that he was such a bastard to you. Sounds like he has some narcissistic leanings. When I was in grade 3, my mother cut all my hair off into a horrible bowl cut. I wore glasses and second-hand and homemade clothes, so you can just imagine how I was treated by other kids at school.
I agree and hope Tom didn't marry the woman. I think much of the bullying on kids results from their parents doing everything they can to insure their kids are misfits and likely stems from bullying on the part of the parent(s). And then telling them to suck it up and deal with it, conveniently forgetting that school is pretty much the life of kids until they become adults. And when you're 7 and being bullied sucking it up until you're 18 may as well be a thousand years away.
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