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A thought that just popped in my head about divorce and kids

Posted by cfuter 
A thought that just popped in my head about divorce and kids
February 11, 2019
Today, dads are more involved w/ kids than ever before. Being a good dad is actually important to them. It is not a foreign concept nor is it just a women's issue, or doing it becuz the female expects it or they look at it as "helping" their wives.

I will admit that when I used to see dads in the 80s-90s, even if they were trying to be more involved, they definitely looked like a deer in the headlights and/or just damn miserable and awkward. Now I dont see that, the male stroller pushers look totally content and there are plenty of men wearing the stupid papoose thing around town, where the dads of the 80-90s would die before they wore that thing.

Many moms and/or dads have flexible schedules, work from home, all those perks. All this is to make parenting ez'r. Work/life balance.

Many people as you know, have their kid first, even on purpose, then get married like maybe even 5 yrs later. The kid stands up in the wedding. So they dont go into the married lifestyle blindly, like maybe some people did back in the day when you might get married after dating a year or two. They dont go into child-rearing blindly by the time they are married, becuz they have been doing it already before marriage, on purpose.


Even w/ all these so-called positive changes in these times, STILL so many childed couples get divorced (when they likely want to stay intact as a family for the kids)! I watched it all around my house w/ these young couples and even some celebs that I follow. And, that shuttling of kids back/forth to have em raised in two households looks even more difficult than it would be in a marriage. After being in a 37 yr relationship, which I will admit is sometimes a big PITA, I can't imagine what is going on in these households that SO many get divorced with kids.

The reason I bring this up is...becuz...when people got divorced after reproducing...it used to be..the usual complaints,...the women doing all the grunt work, the Moo changing her personality after shitting one out, moos feeling isolated in the house w/ kids, the men being uninterested in bratz, moo refusing to work, dads staying out becuz dont want to deal w/ domestic bullshit w/ the kids, you know the saying we used to have ...talk to a divorce attorney...if they had a dime for every time they heard "Everything was going well, till we had the kid" or "everything was fine, until we had the 2nd kid" All these old common problems should be to a minimum w/ these changes in parenting lifestyle.

Gawd, having kids must be terrible that now there should be less of these common brat problems and still everyone is so miserable they must get divorced and start the two household shuttle thing. Weekend Visitation is one thing, but this splitting the household is confusing to me. And, I just wonder, when will be realize how miserable parenthood is, and maybe they could work on the relationship w/ their partners and truly live happily for the rest of their lives, like their vows that they declared.

I know this is kinda run on thoughts...but wow, I just see so much unhappiness when it comes to parenthood.
Re: A thought that just popped in my head about divorce and kids
February 12, 2019
Agree that more men are involved in parenting that ever. Unfortunately they also give it tons of lip service now so it is no longer just women who lie about it.

I still think nothing has changed from the Ann Landers article in 1975, where 70% of parents out of 10,000 questioned would not become parents again if they could go back in time and reverse their initial choice. There is likely a small percentage of the remaining 30% who would never admit they agree. And there is also a small percentage who do enjoy parenting - how much they enjoy of it versus any denial isn't clear, is it 25% enjoyment and 75% denial? 50% enjoyment and 50% denial? Are some in such a chemical haze of drugs/addiction that they think they like parenting?

If a parent can afford to outsource all the crap they hate then do they have a percentage they enjoy and what is that? 10%? Or would they not have kids if they could do it again? If all parents were questioned and in the questionnaire their circumstances were defined as having the means to afford to outsource any aspect of parenting, how much would they outsource on average? I'm guessing 70% or more outsourcing.

I doubt there are many kids born into families who have kids to receive an inheritance who are wanted. Guessing many don't care for a condition placed on the money and may resent their kids because of this.

Also, divorce statistics are terrible for both parents and all the kids. The dynamic drastically changes and even once happy parent(s) may start loathing parenting.

There is a reddit community (not sure that the name is) that had a bunch of harrowing stories of childless marrying/living with a parent and dealing with step-kids, none that I read were good. Wanted to tell them to run and it isn't worth it, divorce before you lose your sanity!
Re: A thought that just popped in my head about divorce and kids
February 12, 2019
It would probably be a huge help if people actually got to know their partners before breeding with them. Most people are dumb and get married/spawn after only being together for a little while, not to mention how many women romanticize the idea of a "fixer-upper" spouse. It always seems to be the women who do this too, it's never the other way around. You know the kind I mean, a guy with tons of problems and the woman sees him as a project that she can repair and turn into an ideal mate/father, only that shit never ever works because fucked-up people never change. Then they piss and moan about what deadbeats their husbands/boyfriends are because nagging him 24/7 and having a child with him didn't make him into a whole new person.

But people seem to want to just be in relationships with whoever will tolerate them for the moment rather than trying to find someone they're actually compatible with and then they're shocked when they wind up in a messy divorce playing custody hot potato with the kid that Duh doesn't even want, but also doesn't want to pay brat support. Is being single really that much worse than being married to someone you hate?
Re: A thought that just popped in my head about divorce and kids
February 13, 2019
I agree re: seeing so much unhappiness with parenthood. It seems to be for various reasons in various eras. For so long women were property traded to the son-in-law's family in the marital transaction...obvious why they'd be unhappy in that situation. Then they were trapped in the 50s postward burbs, stuck at home in the shiny modern house with the nice appliances, etc but still deeply unhappy (and taking valium for it). A lot has improved, but women are STILL doing most of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting. Yeah modern guys pushing the stroller are doing more than their dads' generations did, but it's still typically well below half.

I think that with the overparenting and modern family culture, families are much more of a closed system now, and that's not healthy. Kids used to be able to explore, play outside, etc. and now they never leave their parents' sight until they get their driver's license (which by the way is happening later and later, as there's no incentive to "get away"). Parents are spending more time playing with their kids, instead of letting kids just play together. Kids depend on parents for rides to anything that's outside the family compound. And to top it all off, spouses are expected to be everything to each other in every way. I think family worlds are much, much smaller than they used to be and it's leaving the adults very unhappy.

I think all of the above is keeping the divorce rate up, especially when combined with women's increasing independence and the generally good economy. Divorce rates drop during hard times because people just flat-out can't afford to split up and pay for two households at at time when they can barely manage one.
Re: A thought that just popped in my head about divorce and kids
February 14, 2019
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Parents are spending more time playing with their kids, instead of letting kids just play together. Kids depend on parents for rides to anything that's outside the family compound. And to top it all off, spouses are expected to be everything to each other in every way. I think family worlds are much, much smaller than they used to be and it's leaving the adults very unhappy.

THIS. I'm constantly amazed by how little parents actually do. "Oh, we don't go out to eat/go to the movies/attend concerts or live shows/do anything anymore since we had the kids." Even the most minor non-kid-centered pleasures, like reading a novel or watching a (non-kid) movie at home, are suddenly struck from their lives. I can't even imagine, or want to. It is no wonder people are eaten up by resentment and boredom. It is no wonder they have raging midlife crises and run out on their families.
Re: A thought that just popped in my head about divorce and kids
February 15, 2019
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bop
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Parents are spending more time playing with their kids, instead of letting kids just play together. Kids depend on parents for rides to anything that's outside the family compound. And to top it all off, spouses are expected to be everything to each other in every way. I think family worlds are much, much smaller than they used to be and it's leaving the adults very unhappy.

THIS. I'm constantly amazed by how little parents actually do. "Oh, we don't go out to eat/go to the movies/attend concerts or live shows/do anything anymore since we had the kids." Even the most minor non-kid-centered pleasures, like reading a novel or watching a (non-kid) movie at home, are suddenly struck from their lives. I can't even imagine, or want to. It is no wonder people are eaten up by resentment and boredom. It is no wonder they have raging midlife crises and run out on their families.

Yep. Parenting culture now is pretty unhealthy for everyone involved in it.

It's not just that everything is kidcentric and G-rated, it's also that no one seems to have much of an independent life now. Parents only do family/kid events, don't socialize with friends, and kids' feet never seem to touch the ground they're driven around so much. Growing up I knew one girl whose parents were kind of this way...weekends were often designated "family time" which meant she was not available to play, talk on the phone, etc. It was allllll family stuff. Parents now seem that way, too. Maybe they're overcompensating for fragmented time due to work schedules. But it's circle the wagons for sure.
Re: A thought that just popped in my head about divorce and kids
February 15, 2019
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Parents are spending more time playing with their kids, instead of letting kids just play together. Kids depend on parents for rides to anything that's outside the family compound. And to top it all off, spouses are expected to be everything to each other in every way. I think family worlds are much, much smaller than they used to be and it's leaving the adults very unhappy.

THIS. I'm constantly amazed by how little parents actually do. "Oh, we don't go out to eat/go to the movies/attend concerts or live shows/do anything anymore since we had the kids." Even the most minor non-kid-centered pleasures, like reading a novel or watching a (non-kid) movie at home, are suddenly struck from their lives. I can't even imagine, or want to. It is no wonder people are eaten up by resentment and boredom. It is no wonder they have raging midlife crises and run out on their families.

Word. People all seem to insist on being up their kids' asses 24/7. I think it's just been drilled into people's heads that if you don't spend every single moment with your child, you're a bad parent. Are babysitters even a thing anymore?

Doing things away from someone you love doesn't mean you don't love them. Sometimes you just gotta go do your own thing. It's perfectly fine to go do things apart from your spouse or child - sometimes you just need a break from someone. That's simply being human. Breeders seem to think that they can't go and do stuff because they have kids - not always because they can't afford to, but because the existence of their children somehow prevents them from going places, so the option is either to drag Junior along (which is pretty much always miserable) or don't go at all. No wonder they're all so bitter.
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