Behind the couchers - long term emotional impacts

We've talked about behind-the-couchers, and here is an article about the impact of growing up as the least favourite child. No surprise: Many mothers and fathers admit to having a preferred child – and experts say that being a sidelined sibling can cause serious problems. And of course the reasons are generally petty ones that have to do with the adults rather than the children, like we observed:

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Diya says she was never in any doubt her mother had a favourite child – and that it was not her...The 27-year-old thinks it is because she looks like her father, who left when she and her sister were very young.
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...It was only later that Sara understood the hidden dynamic: “I found out when I was 11 that I was illegitimate,” she says. “My mother was pregnant – and had been deserted – when she met the medical student she went on to marry. In their minds, I wasn’t a ‘doctor’s daughter’ like my sisters: I was just some random man’s offspring.”

None of this is surprising. I remember reading once that many parents will be partial to the child who shares the same birth order. For example, if you were the eldest, you will likely favor the eldest. I certainly experienced that dynamic in my own family. My mom and her mother were both only children and the eldest child in my family could do no wrong.

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Diya’s big fear is seeing the favouritism pass down the generations. “My mother has let my kids down a few times already – cancelling at the last minute on their birthdays – but now my sister is pregnant,” she says. “I’m just waiting to see if her baby gets more attention than my kids. If I see any signs of favouritism there, too, then the relationship between my mum and me will be finished for good. I’m not having my children feel the pain I did.”

It's pretty much a given the favoritism will pass down--isn't that what always happens? My husband is one of four and one brother is Goldenchild. Although Goldenchild is financially self-supporting, the rest are not. My FIL is particularly shitty to my DH and has pretty much put him/us dead last because in addition to not being Goldenchild, my DH is the only one of the bunch who did not breed. FIL has openly said there is no reason to come visit us because no grandkids and has said DH isn't getting anything of their estate because of it. Believe me, I'm overjoyed at no visits and the second part of that is a joke---my in-laws are in big time debt and will die owing money. If we are unlucky and get something from their house, it will be deposited at the thrift store post haste. But I do feel bad for my DH, who is a good son and upstanding citizen. Back to topic, Goldenchild's children in DH's family are of course the favored ones.

The woman in the Guardian article is kind of sad, obviously wanting affection from her own Moo for the sake of her kids and watching her to see what happens. For those Breeders keeping score, let's call this reason 100, 459 not to have kids: As the non-favorite I have officially broken this cycle. I don't need a damn thing from my parents and I'm certainly not groveling for their attention. It's a great way to live.

I've seen the impact of this in others I know. Case in point, my mother was definitely the least favorite child out of the five kids her parents had. I think it's because my grandparents "had" to get married because of her. My mother's birthday being about two weeks after my grandparents' wedding date is a big clue.

All the other kids had redeeming qualities in my grandmother's eyes: my uncle was the blessed male heir, the golden child was the middle child, the second youngest took orders from the golden child so she was acceptable by proxy, and then the remaining child was the "baby" and was thought of highly for that reason alone. My mother was the scapegoat, which is most likely why she turned into a narcissist. My grandma also adored the hell out of me, which I think she did to further rub it in my mother's face how little she thought of her. I'd feel bad for her ass if she didn't turn into the same kind of mindfucking bitch my grandma was to her.

Meanwhile, I know other people whose parents were less subtle and told them right to their faces that their siblings were better than them for various reasons (provided grandchildren, had better jobs, went to college, etc.)

I think it's possible to bond more with one child than the other, but this author's mother didn't even try to disguise her favoritism. It's not really a surprise that this kind of shit will fuck a person up well into adulthood and they turn into people who become desperate for validation, approval and love that they never got from their parents. These people will likely have issues in relationships, either being too clingy due to craving affection or too distant and unable to connect with others because they never learned how to connect. They'll likely also be prone to getting themselves into abusive professional, platonic and romantic relationships (physical, verbal, mental abuse) because growing up with that sort of treatment will make them think it's "normal" to be treated like crap.

Meanwhile, the favorite children grow up with a sense of superiority and entitlement and will likely wonder why they can't keep jobs or sustain relationships. They'll act like managers at work when they're the lowest rung on the job ladder, or will be control freaks with romantic partners.

Of course, it also helps if the parents are relatively sane themselves. Doesn't matter if you're an only child or not, if your parents are pieces of shit, they can fuck you up either way. Sounds like the author's parents were just assholes in general.

My mother did not have a favorite child. Both us girls had problems that were serious. Yet my mother saw us as two little people.

My sister spent most of her childhood fighting the grim reaper due to uncontrollable asthma. I was on the autism spectrum, back when not that much was known about this disorder, and was very late in my milestones.

My sister did not object to me, as I was such an odd little duck. When she was very young, she treated me like a pet I believe, she had a weakness for pets and beings who were helpless.

My father saw my elder sister as his favorite, and they were very close, but he could be abusive. He didn't know what to make of me with my odd autistic behavior. I was 'given' to my mother to raise, as she had an affinity for what I needed.

My grandmother was at first concerned as sister was a very sickly looking child and I looked like a child model. I looked like the Copper Top Girl. However, in five minutes my odd little personality won her over first by growling, then the woman's laugh cracked me up.

I never quarreled with my sister when we were young, but that changed as we grew older and I became more autonomous. We were however, very close up to the end of her life. She died of a massive heart attack and stroke at age 39.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!

Diya seems to be healthy, considering her moo. And it is too bad her father wasn't in the picture more as he seems to have had a healthier perspective than her moo. Luckily, she sees her moo for the piece of shit she is and won't let her damage her kids. Good for her for learning healthy boundaries and teaching them.

People who want to breed need to grow up and accept the fact that they are having independent beings as children. The kids may look like the person they end up divorcing or have personalities that completely annoy them. Can't handle these realities? Spare your potential kids the heartache and don't breed. Make a friend who has a personality that meshes well instead. Or buy a robot with very specific features.

And narcissists need to avoid breeding altogether because they fuck up all the kids: the one behind the couch, the golden child and the scapegoat. If the kids can figure out their parents are just assholes maybe they'll have a fighting chance in the world. At least the scapegoat and the one behind the couch will be prepared for the assholes of the world.

I can speak to this personally. No matter what I did, sooner or later my parents let it be known that I didn't measure up. No other siblings, and was adopted, but I guess they felt that they didn't get a good deal in me. It used to hurt more when I was younger, but they're both gone, so try not to think about it too often.

I also know others from multi-sibling families who were not the preferred one. all of them were in some way emotionally damaged.

bell-flower: the mother in this who said that if her 'mum' shows favoritism to the breeder sis's kid it will result in her never seeing her own..BRAVO.

I hope she sticks to her guns. she WILL be subjected to crap and shit from the rest of the famblee jerks.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Just observations from 60+ years later.
My older brother was the first born son of a first born son, and spent most of his (and my) childhood dying of cancer.
I always wondered if they thought the wrong one died; especially since I was not "girly" (I'm genetically and all else heterosexual female).
I wasn't mistreated but was semi-neglected because it's hard for parents not to give all time and effort to sick, dying child.