A Tale of Two Kids, one CF and one a Breeder

This one has a little bit of everything.

We bailed out our son with his mortgage and car payments and set up 529s for his kids--what do we do about the daughter in law from Hell

DENIAL OF REALITY #1: Both kids are in their 50's. Grandud says he "regrets he didn't teach my children about finances" which is not an accurate representation since the CF kid is financially independent of Grandud and is managing fine on his own. Grandpa still calls him "financially naïve."

DENIAL OF REALITY #2: Grandpa is pouring money down the Breeders (house payments, monthly stipends, multiple cars, kids' 529--are the Breedersons paying for anything themselves?) and blames their ineptitude with money on the DIL. Got news for you Grandpa, your son is just as much of an idiot.

HE'S CONSIDERING DOING THE SENSIBLE THING OR BYPASSING THEM IN THE WILL**, BUT IS AFRAID TO MAKE "HURT PEEWINGS:"

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If it weren’t for the grandchildren, we’d let them sort it out on their own. I’d like to leave half of this son’s inheritance directly to the grandchildren; my wife is not so sure. We can’t have my son be the executor, as we are afraid that his wife will abuse the position.

Newsflash,Grandpa: your SON is already abusing the position. And it sounds like Grandma is just as big of an idiot.

I hope the CF couple is stashing money in the bank and staying far away from these losers, because they aren't going to get shit when these dumb duffers croak. They will be tied up for years while the Breedersons try to grab it all.

** ETA: Grandpa refers to the bypassing of the Breedersons in the will as "the sensible thing," but it's not. The parents would probably just wrestle the money from the grandkids. The grandkids are likely too young and too irresponsible themselves to get this money. Grandpa whines in the letter that he "doesn't want to pay someone" but he needs to pay a good lawyer for an ironclad will or trust and he needs to designate someone and pay them to execute his wishes.

If grandad had the balls, he would leave half of his estate to the CF son and put the other half in a trust for the grandkids. Sounds like neither him nor the grandma are able to say no to the golden breeder son, however.

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Human ATM

I love my son and regret the hurt he will have when/if we hire an independent executor for the grandchildren’s inheritance. I am also troubled by having to pay someone a fee. Other alternatives include our other son, who is also financially naive, or a nephew who does understand money. But I don’t want to cause stress or resentment within the family.

This paragraph strikes me as odd. He speaks as though the breeder son is the given choice to be the executor of his will, and he is afraid of hurting breeder son’s feelings. CF son is only mentioned as the “other alternative” and grandad does not seem to have a similar concern about his feelings. He also mentions CF son as being financially naive, despite saying earlier in the letter that CF son is financially independent. He also says:

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If it weren’t for the grandchildren, we’d let them sort it out on their own.

Why? It sounds like the CF son hasn’t done anything irresponsible. Why wouldn’t the grandad want to ensure that the fiscally responsible son gets his intended share, as well as avoid what is sure to be a fight with the breeder brother and SIL from Hell?

Maybe I’m reading too far into this, but I’m definitely getting the vibe that grandad sees his two children as “the golden son” and “the other one.”

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"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

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original
I love my son and regret the hurt he will have when/if we hire an independent executor for the grandchildren’s inheritance. I am also troubled by having to pay someone a fee. Other alternatives include our other son, who is also financially naive, or a nephew who does understand money. But I don’t want to cause stress or resentment within the family.

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LtoL
This paragraph strikes me as odd. He speaks as though the breeder son is the given choice to be the executor of his will, and he is afraid of hurting breeder son’s feelings. CF son is only mentioned as the “other alternative” and grandad does not seem to have a similar concern about his feelings. He also mentions CF son as being financially naive, despite saying earlier in the letter that CF son is financially independent.

I definitely got that vibe as well. He is making a giant rationalization about all the money he's flushing down the toilet BECAUSE GRANDCHILDREN, as if that makes it okay.

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Grandpa
But I don’t want to cause stress or resentment within the family.

What about stress or resentment in his own family? Look, the guy can give the money to whom he pleases, but he's just rewarding the Breeder's irresponsibility and the other, responsible kid has probably noticed. Things like this can also cause marital problems, but it appears Wifey Grandmother is similarly inclined.

I've had a difficult relationship with my mother since my father died, but the one thing I can say about her is that she never made me feel "less than" my siblings who have bred. If she's telling the truth, the estate will be split evenly between us. She told me recently that she's glad I stuck to my guns and did not breed. (This may be because I have more time to spend with her because my siblings always make kid related excuses but whatever.)

If the internet is any indication, this does not seem to be the norm in many families. My DH's father and mother give the childed siblings heavy financial assistance and my FIL even mentioned at a family gathering that we wouldn't be getting anything because we don't have kids. (As if, they are heavily in debt and we had the misfortune to get anything from their house, I'd be making a clandestine run to Goodwill.)

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bell_flower
If the internet is any indication, this does not seem to be the norm in many families. My DH's father and mother give the childed siblings heavy financial assistance and my FIL even mentioned at a family gathering that we wouldn't be getting anything because we don't have kids. (As if, they are heavily in debt and we had the misfortune to get anything from their house, I'd be making a clandestine run to Goodwill.)

It sounds as if your FIL is going to end up leaving a legacy of unpaid bills upon death. Someone will likely have to rummage through them and use the estate (if any) to pay them off.

Grandud (in the letter) could figure out exactly how much he has given/loaned to the breeder son and remove that from the son's cut of the inheritance along with the estimated monthly sum he will continue to give the breeder son. If he wants it to be fair there isn't going to be much left to leave the breeder son, he has already given them lots of money. It is likely at least $600K he has gifted them. What expenses are the breeders paying? It seems like they are being mostly bankrolled by grandud. I can't help but think that breeders are aware everything will be split 50/50 so they are trying to take as much as they can now AND collect half of the inheritance.

My parents keep track of everything they've given (loaned) to breeder siblings, and they get that much less out of the inheritance. Anything else is just unfair. If these people really cared they could put the spendthrift son's share in a trust which pays out small amounts monthly, or they could put it in trust for his kids to be paid out when they are adults (although that is problematic because if he has other kids after the grandparents die, they'd be left out). There are solutions.

Grandbreeders are just too biased to consider them.